Can you tell your girlfriend she's why you're depressed?

December 7, 2015

I've come to realize this weekend that my relationship has drug me down to depression. I've rationalized this and accepted it. The lack of space, the lack of allowing myself to do things I enjoy and the expectation I constantly tend to my girlfriend has made me feel lower than I've ever felt.

I've told her I was depressed but not that I felt she was the reason. I just look at the last year and a half we've been together and noticed I've lost touch with most of my friends, I see my family much less, I've abandoned hobbies I used to do, I've had to change my diet to suit her. I'm losing my identity. I'm no longer reliable to anyone because she expects me to spend all my free time with her when we aren't working. I no longer watch games with my friends or see them without her around. I don't play sports like I once did.

I think the only way out is to break up but I can't grow a pair enough to end things yet. She offered to help me work through my problems but I don't have the heart to tell her she's the root of them. I'm suffocated.

Edited December 7, 2015 by tarheelian

December 7, 2015

I wonder how and why you allowed this to happen to begin with. I have known guys like you who have done just this, women as well - who have conformed to the wants and needs of the bf/gf to suit their wants and demands. I bet I also know something else about her - she is probably very reclusive and doesn't have many friends, interests or whatever else.

As to your problem of depression because of her? I know it's difficult, but dump her. You are not happy today, and you will not be happy in the future. As a matter of fact, you will be MISERABLE in the future, and that deserves to be in all caps.

Keep this in mind: if you get involved with a person who doesn't have a social life, they will do nothing but rip yours to shreds. Because that's what they do. Some people chase football, basketball, world cup soccer, go places to play championship golf courses, etc. This is what a she does.

December 7, 2015

She used to have friends and a social life when we first met, but most of them moved away and she hasn't made any new friends. Instead, she relies on me for all her entertainment and attention and thus I'm worn out, depressed and exhausted. I almost have zero time to do things I like and the only time I'm not with her is when I'm at work.

I feel like I'm in more of a dependency and not a relationship.

December 7, 2015

I think it would be wrong of you to just dump her out of the blue if you've never discussed this with her before. Even if she's incapable of change, you won't know that until you let her know what the problem is. If she goes crazy, tries to put you down or doesn't want to listen, then by all means dump her. If she says things will change but they never do, then dump her. But she may just agree and be willing to listen to you. It may not be her, but the direction of the relationship that's causing your depression. And part of that is your doing.

The thing is, when you talk to her about this, you need to have a game plan -- meaning that you are going to start hanging out with friends, your family, etc. if she resists these things, then you'll know that she's just simply out to control you.

But I don't see how you can know anything until you talk to her about it. And I wouldn't say that it's all her. You need to take responsibility for how you've allowed yourself to be railroaded into this situation.

Edited December 7, 2015 by bathtub-row

December 7, 2015

Just tell her that you see you have lost yourself alot by those things you are doing

for her. and forgot yourself and that makes you depressed.

And you need a change. and start doing your things.

If you want to break up, just tell her.this is not healty

December 7, 2015

From personal experience, I drove my ex away because I was needy and I made myself dependent on him.

This is not healthy at all and I think she is becoming too dependent on you.

You need to have personal space, not become her crutch. You need to speak to her about what she is doing to you, and it would be healthy if the two of you can find things to do outside of each other.

December 7, 2015

I agree. You should take responsibility yourself to for allowing and choosing to do things that way and not spent time with your love ones.

Now that you more aware of your mistake you can do something about it.

December 7, 2015

One of the issues I should've paid more attention to a year ago was when she told me she didn't believe in having separate lives from her boyfriend. She said she would just become friends with her boyfriends friends and she expected to always be invited whenever he and his friends did things. She doesn't believe in having your own hobbies. She thinks as a could you should just do the same thing.

The way it is now, I see her all the time aside from when we're working and she still tells me we don't spend any time together. For the last 4 months we've spent every weekend doing things together. The only time I've seen my own friends, she came with me so the dynamic was entirely different. But she thinks this is completely normal.

December 7, 2015

Life is way to short for this man. It will be tough, but there is no reason that someone should have to do the things that you're doing to keep this relationship.

This is one of the reasons that it bothers me how easily people are with declaring men "immature" on the say-so of a girlfriend.

Please read the man-boy thread, these things can start out innocently enough but become a slippery slope as your situation demonstrates:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/560694-dating-man-boy

December 7, 2015

In a healthy balanced relationship you need to have hobbies you can do together and some hobbies you can do alone. Also you do need to hang out with friends together, but balance that with some alone time with friends.

Its all about good balance, and balance is what has gone wrong in this relationship.

December 7, 2015

Are you going to be more depressed IN the relationship or OUT of the relationship? If it's dragging you down to the point of depression it's time to put a stop to it.

December 7, 2015

Seriously dude, why did you LET her do this to you?

You made the decision to drop your friends/activities. You chose to let her make the rules to avoid losing her as a girlfriend.

Stop being a doormat & end the relationship.

December 7, 2015

Have you ever communicated to her about this? Or have you just gone along with it?

Look, you've basically turned into her entertainer and emotional babysitter. She is disturbingly clingy and that isn't your problem to fix. She will definitely be upset and probably try to make you feel guilty for telling her it's not working, but again, she needs to grow the heck up. Tell that independent, dynamic women are the most attractive kind and that without any space in the relationship you never have time to really step back and appreciate the woman in your life because she's always in your face.

If she can't accept this, you need to end it. You're not very compatible and she has problems you cannot fix.

December 7, 2015

I've come to realize this weekend that my relationship has drug me down to depression. I've rationalized this and accepted it. The lack of space, the lack of allowing myself to do things I enjoy and the expectation I constantly tend to my girlfriend has made me feel lower than I've ever felt.

I've told her I was depressed but not that I felt she was the reason. I just look at the last year and a half we've been together and noticed I've lost touch with most of my friends, I see my family much less, I've abandoned hobbies I used to do, I've had to change my diet to suit her. I'm losing my identity. I'm no longer reliable to anyone because she expects me to spend all my free time with her when we aren't working. I no longer watch games with my friends or see them without her around. I don't play sports like I once did.

I think the only way out is to break up but I can't grow a pair enough to end things yet. She offered to help me work through my problems but I don't have the heart to tell her she's the root of them. I'm suffocated.

Sounds like you're with an energy drain and that will wear anyone down after a while.

You will have to summon the courage to be able to withstand her attempts to keep what is working for her if you don't want to lose yourself completely. It's very important that you have your interests and friends outside of your relationship. She needs to have her own interests outside of the relationship, too. Your relationship cannot be the only source of interest in your life. No one who is happy lives like that.

I truly hope you can find the courage to do what you need to do for your sanity's sake. This is no way to live.

December 7, 2015

She used to have friends and a social life when we first met, but most of them moved away and she hasn't made any new friends. Instead, she relies on me for all her entertainment and attention and thus I'm worn out, depressed and exhausted. I almost have zero time to do things I like and the only time I'm not with her is when I'm at work.

I feel like I'm in more of a dependency and not a relationship.

You have to take the time you need for the things you want to do. Unless you already have important plans together for a day, you don't need to ask her permission to do what you want to do. You tell her what you're going to do then go do it.

You tell her that from now on, you're taking time to hang with your friends without her--and she can go to a yoga class or see her family while you're watching the game with your boys. You need to recharge your batteries with your friends and/or your favorite activities/hobbies. The fact that she can't make friends with anyone is really not your problem---it's hers and she needs to be working on that.

It is unfair for her to expect you to be her sole source of entertainment and attention. That is so unrealistic it borders on the crazy.

I applaud you for reaching out like this. You have set your self adrift for this girl and you are trying to catch yourself before you drift past the point of no return. Time to paddle back to a familiar shore, even if it is one on which she is not.

December 7, 2015

One of the issues I should've paid more attention to a year ago was when she told me she didn't believe in having separate lives from her boyfriend. She said she would just become friends with her boyfriends friends and she expected to always be invited whenever he and his friends did things. She doesn't believe in having your own hobbies. She thinks as a could you should just do the same thing.

And she's no longer with those boyfriends, right? This tack doesn't work with mentally/emotionally healthy people.

This course of action is a lot like a person drowning. They are desperately trying to grab onto anything/anyone to keep from going under. The problem is that the person who goes out to save them may end up being drowned by her climbing and grabbing onto them to stay above water.

The way it is now, I see her all the time aside from when we're working and she still tells me we don't spend any time together. For the last 4 months we've spent every weekend doing things together. The only time I've seen my own friends, she came with me so the dynamic was entirely different. But she thinks this is completely normal.

I assure you--it's not.

Courage, my friend--that's what it's going to take to get yourself out of this situation.

Do you live together?

December 7, 2015

One of the issues I should've paid more attention to a year ago was when she told me she didn't believe in having separate lives from her boyfriend. She said she would just become friends with her boyfriends friends and she expected to always be invited whenever he and his friends did things. She doesn't believe in having your own hobbies. She thinks as a could you should just do the same thing.

The way it is now, I see her all the time aside from when we're working and she still tells me we don't spend any time together. For the last 4 months we've spent every weekend doing things together. The only time I've seen my own friends, she came with me so the dynamic was entirely different. But she thinks this is completely normal.

She has immature/unrealistic expectations for a relationship. She never established herself as a secure, confident, independent woman in her own right. How old are you two?

You can and should have a conversation to say that relationship needs "air".

she didn't believe in having separate lives from her boyfriend -- What??? You aren't a married couple. A boyfriend and girlfriend are still "individuals" with their own lives. And, even if a couple is married, they still need to have some time and space for themselves . . .

December 7, 2015

She has immature/unrealistic expectations for a relationship. She never established herself as a secure, confident, independent woman in her own right. How old are you two?

You can and should have a conversation to say that relationship needs "air".

she didn't believe in having separate lives from her boyfriend -- What??? You aren't a married couple. A boyfriend and girlfriend are still "individuals" with their own lives. And, even if a couple is married, they still need to have some time and space for themselves . . .

See, she's told me that she considers our relationship no different than being married, which I told her was insane and she broke down crying. I told her I wasn't ready to be married yet and if I need to basically consider myself married to her, I couldn't be in this anymore.

She backed off eventually but it was just crazy. We haven't been together for 2 years yet and she's already acting like it's forever.

December 7, 2015

And she's no longer with those boyfriends, right? This tack doesn't work with mentally/emotionally healthy people.

This course of action is a lot like a person drowning. They are desperately trying to grab onto anything/anyone to keep from going under. The problem is that the person who goes out to save them may end up being drowned by her climbing and grabbing onto them to stay above water.

I assure you--it's not.

Courage, my friend--that's what it's going to take to get yourself out of this situation.

Do you live together?

No she's not with them, but from my understanding she's always left them. From all I've heard, her exes were even crazier. Some moved across country for her even after they had broken up. One tried to get her pregnant to keep them together. Of course, she could be making these stories up. I don't know.

December 7, 2015

No she's not with them, but from my understanding she's always left them. From all I've heard, her exes were even crazier. Some moved across country for her even after they had broken up. One tried to get her pregnant to keep them together. Of course, she could be making these stories up. I don't know.

Put it this way.....

If she is making it up, she's bat**** crazy.

If she's not making this up then she's a certified co-dependent who seeks out unstable people to be in relationships with.

Either way, stop enabling her needy behaviour right now. How you do that (breakup or boundaries) is entirely up to you but it has to happen.

December 7, 2015

She's told me her mother and grandmothers were codependents and most married or dated addicts most of their lives. I fear she's just like they are. I don't know if there's any fixing this aside from ending things.

December 7, 2015

You should be kind of alarmed at how you allowed this to happen to you. She could be this or that, but, she couldn't have done this to a lot of other men, because those men would not have allowed it.

Technically, you are why you are depressed, she's more of just a circumstance. There are other such circumstances in life. When I was much younger I also tried to pleased. Everyone should practice saying "no". It's one of the most honest and sincere words you can say.

December 7, 2015

She's told me her mother and grandmothers were codependents and most married or dated addicts most of their lives. I fear she's just like they are. I don't know if there's any fixing this aside from ending things.

Based on what you're saying, you're most likely right that it can't be fixed. People like this rarely change. Still, you need to tell her what the problem is and let her know that if things don't change, you're not going to stick around.

You need to realize that if you date someone exclusively for a year or more, they're going to assume that the two of you have a future. I think you need to think about how your actions are giving off all the wrong vibes. You stay with someone for a long time, but act surprised that they think they're in a solid relationship. You change your behavior, accept odd things they confess, and then blame your partner. You would be wise to look at what your doing to send all the wrong signals -- apparently all in the name of easy sex or just not wanting to do the courageous thing by walking away from someone you know you're not compatible with.

December 7, 2015

If you feel the relationship is worth working on (as opposed to wanting to throw in the towel right here and now), you absolutely need to have an honest conversation with her.

It's perfectly valid for you to want some independence in your free time, friendships, and hobbies. Don't allow her to accuse you of being selfish or unfair for wanting this.

I found this line absolutely absurd: "She doesn't believe in having your own hobbies." Hobbies are by their nature personal, individual interests. Couples might have some overlap there but it never happens that two people share ALL the same hobbies. And that's normal and healthy! Personally I'm always a little wary of people who haven't explored themselves enough to cultivate their own hobbies.

December 7, 2015

One of the issues I should've paid more attention to a year ago was when she told me she didn't believe in having separate lives from her boyfriend. She said she would just become friends with her boyfriends friends and she expected to always be invited whenever he and his friends did things. She doesn't believe in having your own hobbies. She thinks as a could you should just do the same thing.

The way it is now, I see her all the time aside from when we're working and she still tells me we don't spend any time together. For the last 4 months we've spent every weekend doing things together. The only time I've seen my own friends, she came with me so the dynamic was entirely different. But she thinks this is completely normal.

Ugh. And why, may I ask, did you not state your views as you saw yourself in a relationship at that time??? Why just bend to her one-way (and IMO demented) thinking?

Dump her. I don't know that you need to give her that much of an explanation. Just say you don't see a future with her because you have different perspectives in life. Don't let this happen to you again.

Edited December 7, 2015 by Versacehottie

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Can you tell your girlfriend she's why you're depressed?

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