Woggle Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I doubt you can change his mind. He shouldn't be stringing you along though. He should just move on and I would advise you do so as well.
Wewon Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Men and women have different challenges/objectives when dating and there are some things that tend to make each gender officially have enough. For men, flakiness, being strung along, and otherwise made to feel foolish is something that once we see it we tend to bake that into the image we have of you. You can see why there is such as strong visceral response towards your OP, most guys have been there at some point or another. I'm not sure how you change that. He will probably always see you as someone that doesn't really respect him very much. That's a tough one to get around.
katiegrl Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 (edited) We finally slept together and soon after he left for a month away for work. While communication was initially good, it slowly dwindled, and he also would reply to my messages in a snarky tone. I realized while he was gone how much I missed him in my life, how much he brought to my life, and that I wanted to date him exclusively. … paloma... in re-visiting your original post....when exactly did you start missing him, realizing how much he brought to your life and that you wanted to date him exclusively? Was it immediately after he left or only when he started pulling back and began replying to your messages in a snarky tone? The reason I ask is cuz I am having difficulty understanding why him being less attentive and responsive to you and responding in a snarky tone, would draw you closer to him? That type of behavior would push me, and most away, away! He may be wondering this as well! Thinking perhaps there is something a little off about you.... that maybe you go for guys who treat you badly, and reject all the "nice" guys. I am not accusing you of anything, but that is certainly what it looks like to an outside observer. And again may be what HE is thinking as well. So why would he want that in his life? He is a nice man, was very interested in you, you were not interested in him UNTIL he pulls back and starts acting snarky? Think about it from HIS perspective. No I don't think there is anything you can do except learn from this. Leave him alone.... perhaps in time, he will contact you and you can try again. But he said he needed time to think, and IMO that is exactly what you should allow him to do. Going forward....before you begin dating anyone, make sure you are fully over your last RL. It takes time to heal.... you ended your last RL in July, started dating in August. Too soon! Also, if you don't like a man, or are not attracted to him....then just stop dating him. Stringing someone along is not right no matter how you wish to spin it. I am also wondering if perhaps your behavior was some sort of "test" to see how hard he would chase (albeit subconsciously?).... especially since you've been hurt so much in the past. You would NOT be the first woman who employed such a "shyt" test. Anyway.... sorry this one doesn't appear to be working out. Big lesson learned... Wish you the best. Edited December 8, 2015 by katiegrl
Author paloma22 Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 paloma... in re-visiting your original post....when exactly did you start missing him, realizing how much he brought to your life and that you wanted to date him exclusively? Was it immediately after he left or only when he started pulling back and began replying to your messages in a snarky tone? The reason I ask is cuz I am having difficulty understanding why him being less attentive and responsive to you and responding in a snarky tone, would draw you closer to him? That type of behavior would push me, and most away, away! He may be wondering this as well! Thinking perhaps there is something a little off about you.... that maybe you go for guys who treat you badly, and reject all the "nice" guys. I am not accusing you of anything, but that is certainly what it looks like to an outside observer. And again may be what HE is thinking as well. So why would he want that in his life? He is a nice man, was very interested in you, you were not interested in him UNTIL he pulls back and starts acting snarky? Think about it from HIS perspective. No I don't think there is anything you can do except learn from this. Leave him alone.... perhaps in time, he will contact you and you can try again. But he said he needed time to think, and IMO that is exactly what you should allow him to do. Going forward....before you begin dating anyone, make sure you are fully over your last RL. It takes time to heal.... you ended your last RL in July, started dating in August. Too soon! Also, if you don't like a man, or are not attracted to him....then just stop dating him. Stringing someone along is not right no matter how you wish to spin it. I am also wondering if perhaps your behavior was some sort of "test" to see how hard he would chase (albeit subconsciously?).... especially since you've been hurt so much in the past. You would NOT be the first woman who employed such a "shyt" test. Anyway.... sorry this one doesn't appear to be working out. Big lesson learned... Wish you the best. This is a great post- thank you for it. I actually was very attentive to him the second he left. Its also possible that after we slept together, I felt a closer bond with him but that may also be my female hormones talking. But reflecting, the night of our last date and the night before he left, was the first night I truly felt connected to him. We had gone on this road trip and I saw him in a new light. I know the timing is terrible and again, possibly too late, but my feelings did not change when he started getting cold and snarky, there was a switch before that. I agree how this could look in his eyes - it is a good observation for sure. Im also not even sure if we can jump right back into dating without having to overcome some serious awkwardness and caution. I may give it some space and then try again. I don't want to give up, but i also know my limits and respect what has transpired. In saying this, I believe in second chances and hope I can get mine.
katiegrl Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 (edited) This is a great post- thank you for it. I actually was very attentive to him the second he left. Its also possible that after we slept together, I felt a closer bond with him but that may also be my female hormones talking. But reflecting, the night of our last date and the night before he left, was the first night I truly felt connected to him. We had gone on this road trip and I saw him in a new light. I know the timing is terrible and again, possibly too late, but my feelings did not change when he started getting cold and snarky, there was a switch before that. I agree how this could look in his eyes - it is a good observation for sure. Im also not even sure if we can jump right back into dating without having to overcome some serious awkwardness and caution. I may give it some space and then try again. I don't want to give up, but i also know my limits and respect what has transpired. In saying this, I believe in second chances and hope I can get mine. Thanks for clarifying! This changes things a bit for me ..... Now I am wondering .....since you displayed interest by having sex, *bonded* with him emotionally, felt connected to him.... started responding more positively to him (his text messages while he was away), what in the world caused him to pull back and start acting snarky? You were finally giving him what he wanted ....so it doesn't make sense that he would choose that particular point in time to start behaving snarky, etc... Do you think it's possible we have him figured wrong, and his goal all along was having sex with you? I mean let's face it ...he pulled back pretty much immediately after that. In short, you were a great big challenge to him! Until you weren't anymore, after which he started to lose interest and pulled back? Also said he had been dating while he was away ....do you think he may have met another woman, and sort of put you on the backburner ...now that he *conquered* you (for lack if a better word)? This whole time, we have been blaming you, when it is quite possible HE got what he was after (sex)....lost interest and is fading out. His spiel about not being interested in chasing anymore was an attempt to divert the blame back on you, to alleviate his guilt about losing interest. HE went back on line too after all. I mean again.... you felt connected to him (which I am sure he noticed)... and were responding positively to him! So he had every reason to believe the *chase* was over and he had succeeded in *winning* you (again for lack of a better word). So again why pull back and act snarky? Makes no sense. Just something else to ponder.....along with everything else! Edited December 8, 2015 by katiegrl
TheBullFrog Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 This thread makes me sad as it sums up my experiences with online dating. Girls who either don't know what they want (or do but just haven't found it) playing the 'who can care least' game and stringing me along. You have to reap what you sow OP. Perhaps its for the best that you start again on a level playing field with someone where no games have been played. The waters have been too muddied here. Almost every girl I met through online dating did the same thing to me as well. I think people with the "power" in the dating world (mainly girls) get greedy and exploit other people. But when it happens to them they cry foul
phineas Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Almost every girl I met through online dating did the same thing to me as well. I think people with the "power" in the dating world (mainly girls) get greedy and exploit other people. But when it happens to them they cry foul I read your thread. If you get led on by a woman you met online it's your own fault. You need to be assertive & schedule weekly dates. If she is too busy to meet you weekly you find another women to fill in the time between her. Chances are she is too busy because she has other guys she is seeing.
brandon26003 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 You know...if this was a man that made this post and did this to a woman, they would be the scum of the earth. This has happened to me all to often. I date someone that I met online, everything is fine, and then all of a sudden they "flake". I've found that a majority of the women that I've met online are fresh out of relationships and just looking for a rebound. Pardon me if I seem rude, but you kinda got what you deserved. This definitely sounds like karma. To suggest that he hasn't been fair after you did this to him is wrong. Best of Luck. 2
pizzaro Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 No sympathy from me. You knew what you were doing to him now you're crying foul when he's no longer interested. 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 This has a toxicity element even before it began. You hung out. One of you felt more for the other person and was confused about the exclusivity aspect. He realized you weren't as keen as you made out to be. He tested you a bit. Moved on as he realized there was no hope, as soon as you come back for a bit , he's moved on. People don't need a man or a woman to move on to necessarily to have "moved on", but it seems he got sick of the cat and mouse game and couldn't be bothered reliving it. Hence, he's moved on and done with it and I am sorry to say,... moved on from you and done with you. Please take this as a life lesson and refrain from doing this to someone else in the future. If someone is interested in you but you aren't interested in them. Be straight with them and be honest right from the start. I know that when men and ( woman) feel like they're have been strung a long they have severe trust issues and harbor bitterness for years to come. I remember getting strung a long which meant that my heart got broken as there was hope, but it got differed and afterwards I was very, very angry and bitter. I never thought I would end up doing it to someone else. But I was so surprised that someone wasn't treating me like a pet moron this time that i ended up hurting them in the form of well... stringing them along. Amazing how hurt and pain from a broken heart recycles. I seriously never thought I would end up hurting someone the same way as I got hurt. But there you go that's human beings for you, we all have a douche bag in us all. Just don't continue being a douche, like I said, be honest as soon as you know you're not interested in someone to stop this cycle of this heart wreck from continuing. 1
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