Relationship question: Invested in relationship but now it seems it is at it's end.

[yourownchicken]

First off, bare in mind my this is my first (ex)girlfriend, and I understand full well we are really young (18/17) and people change concept. That's not what I'm looking for. What I am looking for is advice, or things I should expect.

 

I have been dating her for just over a year now. She is my one. At least I feel that way. It may be true that there are more fish in the sea, but as a romantic and my values of love, to say I was shocked that a break-up was near would be an understatement.

 

I was in complete disbelief. She said she just didn't have the same love for me like she once had, and she doesn't think we will work in the future. Part of me respects that (the other crying out in agony), but she brings this on me a week after our anniversary AND said shes been feeling that for awhile.

 

We do have different mindsets at times and like there are aspects of me she doesn't like, but you have to understand I loved her to the point where I would do anything. Yes I was probably blinded by love, but it still doesn't change how I feet.

 

Now we are in NC. On week 2 of 3 and I just don't know what to do. I realize it's all on her to re-initiate contact (tho if she doesn't I will initiate and control break-up process), and I know some relationships don't work. I also know you can't force someone to love you. But it amazes me that I would be thrown away so-to-speak (Don't take this literally please!). I have pictures of her on my computer and on my phone and social media, and today I discovered she has taken all but one down. Many people would tell me to take mine down, but it just isn't that simple for me.

 

I don't know what to do. I really can't find anything worthwhile to distract me because I still love her. I DONT want to forget about her. I feel broken, almost lifeless (Suicide is not an answer tho!!!) I have a link here that closely matches how Im feeling here:

 

Why You'll Regret Giving Up The Girl Who Waited For You To Be Ready

 

I know its a painful journey. But Im struggling to accept that this is the way it's going to be. I want everything to work out honestly. It boggles me how one can say I love you and then this happens. Like really? It is really discouraging to me. I really thought I was going to be with her for at least longer than a year. But the harsh realities of the world are brought down upon me. And choking me in the process. It's almost impossible for me to avoid checking on her. I don't wanna lose her. But it seems I dont really have any say in the matter. And that's depressing. At the end of NC I'll be sending her all 300+ photos I have (for which I was going to make some sort of photo book when we were older) showing a progression of her from when I first met her to now (I loved to screenshot and take pictures of her hahaha). Im also going to give her an essay/paper of my life and how she genuinely saved me from myself.

 

And hopefully, against all odds... Even if its a hope that will never happen. Maybe she will see what she has done/ choosing to do.

 

A heart cannot beat without it's blood <3

 

Thanks for reading and please feel free to comment with opinions, suggestions, or even things I should learn/realize. Keep it constructive ok

I will gladly respond to many comments or questions and will most definitely read and keep everyone updated. Just loved this site and felt I had to make an account myself.

[makemineamac]

Well good for you for reaching out and asking some questions.

 

I'm sure you'll get all kinds of great advice, but I'll be honest, this is tough no matter how old you are or where you are in life.

 

I know right now you are astonished that she has moved on - you're thinking how can that be? I know. But it happens, and from reading what you've written, like many partners who end a relationship, she likely checked out awhile ago.

 

So for her, this is clearly easier than it is for you. She's removed your images from social media and you're still sitting there in denial.

 

There is no point in contacting her.

 

The less she sees or hears of you the better.

 

Also don't plan on sending her the 300 photos later on to try and make her change her mind. It will make you look weak. Most women do not find that an attractive attribute.

 

What you need to do is maintain NC and work on yourself. Do things you like to do, hang out with friends and keep yourself motivated.

 

I promise you there will be someone else for you and it will just be a matter of time.

 

I know that means very little when you've had the rug pulled out from under you, but I promise you you'll make it.

 

Please don't appear weak to her and who knows what will happen. Just maintain your self respect. It's important.

 

Wish you all the best and sorry you're hurting. It's the worst with the first too! Feel your pain.

[yourownchicken]

Hey there,

 

First off thanks for responding. It brings a lot of joy that someone took a look at my case and further crystallizes my decision to join these forums. Whether I use it outside this post... Well... I suppose time will tell that one.

 

But anyhow I read your post and certainly understand it. But since I didn't actually know whether someone would respond, I kept details somewhat obscure.

 

So that being said. Couple things I would like advice for. Certainly anyone can suggest something, but ultimately it is my decision (as in life you only grow and learn from your mistakes and experiences.) to make.

 

First off when I say No Contact... Hmm well I do what No Contact is, however in terms of stopping like checking for updates on social media and whatnot, that's a little different. What I mean to say is I can't help but check to see if she posts something new. Perhaps it is the hope that she will rejoin with me, or perhaps it is the feeling of longing and desire to speak to her again. Whatever the case, that is one thing.

 

Another is a little more detail on the photo thing. I wouldn't do it to try and get her back. More like a final memento so to speak. I had it long set in my mind before break-up was even on the horizon that were it ever to happen I would do such a thing.

 

You see (aside from not knowing her current feelings) when we parted, we were both not exactly thrilled about it. She... Well she didn't dump me per se as she felt it best we broke up. And here I walk a fine line between loving her and obsessing over her.

 

I came to this realization myself that I had been obsessing over her. Perhaps I truly just loved her a lot. Maybe that is one way I show it. Not necessarily a good thing, but I knew I was obsessing when I was emotionally distraught over our breakup. Well it hasn't been official yet that's the thing. More than that, last time we talked of course, she still DID have feelings, they were just less... I'm not necessarily sure this will change what you have said, and in fact, it may reinforce it, but I feel like I needed to say it.

 

In addition, I'm sure life is also influencing her decision.

 

She is having major family issues, and both her guardians have left to Colorado to deal with said family issues. One will be gone for a couple months, the other a lot longer. In addition she is really focused in school. Trying to work as hard as she can, she admitted to me that I'm a distraction.

 

But that's what get's me. Were that true, I sure know the safety of our relationship would put me at ease. Yeah I would want to see her, but this NC for example is a perfect example to demonstrate that ability.

 

In any case, she has been telling me (before NC) that she was just not happy in general. Depressed with the situation.

 

So you see, I respect her decision, and I know I need to be easy on this process... But at the same time, every site I've ever read also says I need to fight for her.

 

So that would mean you would need more details huh?

 

Well let's see. This is the 3rd? time we've had some sort of disagreement (for sure 2nd). And I don't know. I'm not weak. I've slowly come to realize that it's not so much that I need her to move forward, but rather I genuinely care for her. And I think that's what has been making this so hard. Because I feel like no matter what I feel, I want her to br happy. And though it hurts so much to say it, if it requires me to be gone I understand.

 

So you see. This is just so painful to me. I would give my life away just so she could be happy. Because when she is happy, I am happy. I hated that she chose now to do this. Where her life is at right now, yes I understand she needs to deal with it and everything, I just can't let her go. And that will inevitably destroy me.

 

I am a softy. A big softy when it comes to women. I'm not some player, but rather a young adult looking for someone to be with.

 

And maybe she wasn't ready for that. We are different, but I genuinely believe if we were so different, we wouldn't have fallen in love with each other.

 

And perhaps the problem lies in our different definitions of love.

 

Sigh... And you see... I can see it too... I'm subtly (though getting more and more obvious) beginning to beg aren't I?

 

Sigh... I just don't understand it. Why? ya know? Why.... How can you love someone less you know? You're best friend might be the meanest person in the world. And you guys might not like each other for a few days. But friends always seem to be more common then husbands and wives. Seems sad really. I feel like your partner should be your best friend.

 

I don't know. I just strongly oppose the breakup. Why leave the security of a relationship--someone you can lean on and trust-- why leave that?

 

Does that not seem ludicrous?

 

You have my thanks dear friend, and I hope that you as well as others come to read this and get a better understanding of what I'm going through.

 

It's painful. And how I've kept a relatively decent life after, well, I really don't know.

 

Cheers,

A sad and distraught man

[yourownchicken]

So you see. This is just so painful to me. I would give my life away just so she could be happy. Because when she is happy, I am happy.

 

When I say "when she is happy, I am happy", do not misunderstand that as "for me to be happy in life, she needs to be happy." I can be happy outside of her, she doesn't "make" me happy. I am happiER when when she's in it. But I am happy when I'm with friends or whatnot.

 

Lol just didn't want this to be used against me in anyway.

[makemineamac]

I hate to say it, and I wish there were more responses here, but this story happens again and again in life. It's brutal it really is, but it does happen. People move on, it's happened to me before, and it's happened to me recently. And it's also happened to you.

 

The 'obsessive' feelings you have will eventually settle down. There's a lot of energy we draw into trying to figure out the why's and how's of the heart. It's impossible to do sometime, but the adrenalin keeps you checking and checking.

 

And you can unfollow her on Facebook, you do';t need to check. It;s not going to help you. I am telling you it won't.

 

And I'm not saying you guys won't end up together again someday - you might. A girlfriend and I, when our relationship ended in high school, agreed to meet at a club 8 years later to see where we were in life, and to see if there was a potential future for us.

 

We met and, as expected, we had both moved on, but were both so grateful for the opportunity to at least revisit the opportunity. Maybe you need to do something like that.

 

I know how you're feeling, I do, and so many others here do too. The sense of loss can be quite astounding.

 

You need to do what you think is the right thing at the end of the day.

 

But when you say you would do anything to ensure her happiness - and I'm not misinterpreting here based on your clarification above - then she has told you what she wants, wouldn't it make sense to honour that intention and see what happens later?

 

Others may think you need to 'fight for her', there's lots of discussion here about what that means, and if it means anything at all.

 

If you're fighting for someone who has checked out and moved on already, you're really fighting yourself, no?

 

I know what you want to believe, you want to believe this is just a blip and everything will go back to normal. I don't think that is going to happen based on what you've told us here. Others may see it differently I hope someone else will weigh in.

 

I wish you all the best, really I do.

[mightycpa]

Yeah. Your story has been told over and over and over. Not just on this forum, but since the beginning of time.

 

Boy meets girl. They fall in love. One of them falls out of love, and the other one is miserable.

 

The details and circumstances may vary, but that's the story.

 

What to do? Here are your basic choices:

 

• Walk away.
  
• Abduct her until she comes to her senses.
  
• Beg and plead for her to come back.
  
• Be her pal.
  

Whichever path(s) you choose, they all end up in the same place - and that is wherever it is that she wants this to go. The ball is in her court, and usually, at this age, the answer is not backwards, not to be with you. You will struggle to get with the program, and some people are more obtuse than others. At your age, it is unthinkable that you won't recover, but this will be one of the worst breakups of your life. Eventually, you will forget how bad it feels.

 

 

You'll be fine in the long run and ****ing miserable in the short term.

 

 

Welcome to our club. I wish I could say it is a very exclusive one, but it isn't. Just about everybody joins eventually. Even you ex, but it won't be about you.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Another person of similar age as myself! Never too young to be broken hearted.

 

The best advice I have is to walk away. My ex and I started dating junior year of high school, and it lasted a little over two years. The past break up that sent me here was number 4 for us. Each time it got a little harder, and each time, even this past time, I've fought back and tried to make "us" a thing again. I wish I had just let her go originally. I changed who I was so much to please her, and now I'm really in a world of hurt trying to find myself while coping with the fact that I just was never enough.

 

It's really hard to be told by someone that they don't love you anymore regardless of age. But especially while you're still trying to find out who you are as a young adult. Since our exes have been our first relationship, love, and now former love, it's often hard to realize out there that other people will love you unconditionally and forever.

 

But what I've found is that you have to love yourself first for that to happen, which is why I think it can be so hard for young people to get over relationships. Work on yourself and start to make progress on the man you want to become. Do you want to be ripped? Do you want to quote Hemingway in conversations? Do you want to be the worlds greatest blues guitarist? (Yes these are the first three things I put on my own personal list) Be who you want to be and people will want to be around you. When you're confident in yourself, people notice.

 

However, you have to want to move on first. That starts with at least accepting that you are no longer. I have not fully accepted that I am never getting back together with my ex, but I do realize that as of one month ago, we are not in a relationship, and I must treat her as such. Delete the majority of those photos. Of the 500 or so I collected over my 2 year relationship, I think I've kept like 3 (our first homecoming, prom, and Disney world). It's good to have memories for the future! But trust me, you and her cuddling on the couch making silly faces will hurt you. That isn't who she is anymore. In the future, you'll be able to fill your album with those same photos of another girl.

 

And in terms of being soft. Never be ashamed of being sensitive. You're lucky actually. A lot of guys don't have enough feelings or self awareness and that hurts them in relationships. The fact that you are posting here means you mature and conscious, and those definitely qualities that most girls find attractive.

 

I will warn you, though. As you begin to accept you aren't with her anymore, some anger and hate will come out of it. You will hate her and blame her for things she did in the relationship. This will likely come shortly after blaming yourself and hating yourself. Don't give in. These feelings fade. The thought that helps me is "It wasn't me. It wasn't her. It was us." Just avoid contact with her at all costs when you are going through those phases because you will either come off as a heartless jerk or a pathetic baby. And you are neither of those things.

 

You will get over this soon. You won't believe how fast it goes. I hope the perspective of someone in a very similar situation helps!

[yourownchicken]

I will warn you, though. As you begin to accept you aren't with her anymore, some anger and hate will come out of it. You will hate her and blame her for things she did in the relationship. This will likely come shortly after blaming yourself and hating yourself. Don't give in. These feelings fade. The thought that helps me is "It wasn't me. It wasn't her. It was us." Just avoid contact with her at all costs when you are going through those phases because you will either come off as a heartless jerk or a pathetic baby. And you are neither of those things.

 

You will get over this soon. You won't believe how fast it goes. I hope the perspective of someone in a very similar situation helps!

 

Amazing to say I actually have felt these random spurts of anger, but, for the most part, they never last long. More often than not, any anger I feel quickly dissipates to sorrow and depression.

 

It's most interesting reading responses. It's a hard balance changing yourself. On the one had, you shouldn't have to change yourself. You should be loved just the way you are. Ultimately, this is correct, but the other side of it is that if I change myself, she will accept me and love me more.

 

While this is the wrong way of thinking, it is also quite easy to fall in this trap, especially when you're like me and willing to do anything for her. It is very much so a fine line; you can change such that you still maintain a sense of self identity.

 

While sitting here with a moment of clarity, it is not uncommon for my mind to wander on to what could've been.

 

I sit here and wonder what will happen when we next meet. The way I am, I can't just drop it unless I get signals day of (you can say all you want in text or in email, but it is from personal experience that communication in person is a completely different experience).

 

I am very much so in denial as well. And of course with it being so fresh, I probably will be for a bit. However having time for myself HAS told me something. I do love her. For all the words and sorrowful exchanges we have had, This time to myself has really showed that to me. And is probably another reason for the pain.

 

I could probably tell you all the things I like about her, but I'm sure, as you all have said, it wouldn't be uncommon.

 

I can't say I'm happy with how it's happened. I will never understand the reason for it. To me it seems ridiculous. It really does. For how caring and sensitive I am, I will admit it causes problems over long period of times. But to this extent? In a way it just makes me wonder when people break up, is it really worth it to do so?

 

Yes, there are plenty of instances where it is worth it: Abuse, or lack of caring, etc. But there are also plenty of instances where couples just break up out of the blue. They claim they were still in love, but it's for the best. Who said so?

 

I don't understand why infidelity is such a common issue in today's world (under the context of love only). Yes I have had thoughts on occasion about another woman, but for one I'm already in a relationship, and two those thoughts are generally about sex which is no way to base a relationship IMO.

 

Love is just a powerful word, and I don't understand why it is so freely given.

 

Perhaps that could explain my desperation. I have found it. And for awhile, I had obtained it. But now it slips through my grasp.

 

And it hurts most, because it does in fact feel like betrayal. Does it bring regret? Not necessarily, but it does make me feel like I should be more wary. And I know that once we do officially breakup, the next person (if I so choose) will be unintentionally the target of those feeling of wariness. And while this is bound to be natural, it is at the same time unfair.

 

Virginity these days are lost at ages between 16-18. We hear all the time how it is special and should be given to that special person. But truth be told your heart should be too.

 

Yes I understand this is the learning stage of such feelings. I guess I just.... It's discouraging. And I know that is basically synonymous to "I'm not ready to lower my guard and get into a relationship." In the long run I should truly wait.

 

But the call of rebound seems very much so tempting.

 

Even after 12 days of not hearing or seeing her. It's so hard. I admit like now. My judgement is slowly being clouded by pain, and I can feel the tears slowly come. It is so tough and so unfair.

 

Life... Such a painful experience.... When you truly look at yourself and your existence. What was it for. This pain and suffering. The heartbreak.

 

Some of my investment came from this sense of purpose.

 

Idk.... I finally found something you know?

 

sigh...

 

My thoughts are becoming too clouded so I'll sign off here for now.

 

Those who have commented thus far, you have my sincerest gratitude. I will be still responding to comments and would love to hear more. At this point however, the bitter truth remains. I have.... I have to accept it.

 

And whenever I'm ready, I will. But now is not that time. I don't know when it will be, but rest assured, you all have my sincerest gratitude.

 

I will be keeping everyone updated to my progress, as I think it best way to repay all the advice given to me so far. You guys have no idea the extent of gratitude I have to you all that have responded.

 

-- "It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience." -Julius Caesar

[mightycpa]

It's basic brain chemistry. Sometimes, how you feel is driven by brain chemicals, other times, you get stuck in a pattern. Your brain doesn't actually produce the chemicals to support the way you feel, and so in essence, you're making it up. Yes, unbelievable but true.

 

The upshot of this is that you control how you feel. Right now, it feels unavoidable and completely out of your control, I know. But there's a difference between processing your feelings and obsessing. Obsessing will keep you in a pattern of belief, even though it isn't true. It is rooted in holding onto the past. Processing will help your feelings subside with time. It is an exercise in looking to the future and letting go of the past.

 

Looking backwards, asking "what-if", thinking about change, all that stuff is quite normal at first. Right now, you're probably obsessed.

 

But to process your feelings, at some point, you have to question your assumptions, and try to see reality for what it is. Then you begin to question yourself and try to understand and articulate what you feel, and why you feel that way. It is the beginning of looking forward, rather than hanging on to what you used to feel. It is the middle ground between the past and the future. It is the now. You'll be forced to admit she's not the nicest, or the prettiest, or the sexiest, or the most "whatever" person in the world. You'll be forced to agree that there are very interesting and attractive people around you. You will begin to challenge the notion that you need her, or that your life is somehow complete with her there, and incomplete because she's not. You'll confront the belief that she needs to be the one beside you, and you'll find that the evidence for that just doesn't hold up. You'll have friends who get dumped, and you'll see them obsessing, and you'll recognize yourself, and it will feel a little ridiculous. You'll have friends who fall out of love and dump a girl, and you'll understand and accept more readily that yes, it does happen.

 

When that becomes your thinking pattern, you'll be ready to look at the future without framing it in reference to the past. You'll think in terms of opportunities, adventure and possibilities. That's when you'll stop thinking about her, and all of a sudden one day, you'll notice it. At some point, if you go through that process, you'll be free to start the process all over again with someone else, and you'll be a lot wiser for the experience.

 

But if you don't, you'll get stuck, and I think it is pretty easy for that to happen, if you let it. So be careful. Be thoughtful about everything.

[yourownchicken]

With each question that I ask and for each answer I receive, more and more questions come to mind.

 

That being said, they are of little concern for the time being as they fall under the what-if scenario.

 

All except one.

 

Perhaps it was a hidden apprehension or anxiety or even excitement that caused me to write this, but, nevertheless, I am uncertain of one thing.

 

How should I act when we see each other at the end of the NC period.

 

We are not officially broken up. In fact, to tell you the truth it would probably be somewhat fair to say I haven't given fair thought to her situation. That's not to say I don't understand it but...

 

If I still feel the way I do--that we could potentially workout--while at the same time understanding what she has said, what do I do?

 

I'm sure inevitably the way I handle it will come down to me, and, most likely, I'll have to go with my instinct, but...

 

Obviously I don't want to come too strong following the break, but I don't want to seem like I'm done. Because I'm not done until it is done.

 

I have read responses that she is done, taking this better, etc. But its also known that nobody knows the future. Yes, in general history repeats itself, and yes I'm probably being more optimistic than I even realize.

 

But like in war, it's not over until it's over.

 

Given all that I have said in my posts, I'm sure it's possible that

A) I sound ludicrous

B) I sound hopelessly in love

or

C) I haven't had enough time to process

 

However, be that as it may, the best teacher is life itself.

Even for relationships, you guys said so yourself. You take this as an experience and learn from it and take it to your next one.

 

Of course while it sounds like I'm optimistic, I also realize the facade I'm putting up.

 

I am nervous and still in denial (albeit less, but I still notice it). Obviously, I want to talk about the point... But there is the thing.... I don't want to just walk up and say "hey what are we?", but I also don't know how I should approach.

 

I don't know how to breech the subject without it sounding completely forced.

 

So the most common thing would probably be to let her breech it. Will she? Do I need to start it?

 

It's like I don't want things to be awkward, but I don't want to acknowledge it either (that we are having this issue--where the denial comes in).

 

As you said migthycpa, the ball is in her court now. That much I understand. I guess... How should I approach emotionally? I don't want to be cold, and this is an important matter to me--I dont want to sound indifferent. However, just like it would be bad to go overtly negative, so to would it be were I completely positive. I don't want to be like we're a couple in the sense because we are still up in the air.

 

Lol ok... phew, now that I got that out of the way...

 

How should I react to say her officially breaking up with me?

 

Keep in mind when I ask these questions, I'm looking more for the average response to it. For example, begging and pleading in general ruins your self value which is, according to Earth, not appealing to women; men still should maintain their dignity (for the record I don't completely agree with this, but that's besides the point).

 

It isn't mutual. That much, I'm sure, is obvious. But even up to this point where I'm personally experiencing this, the words of rejection no matter how much I may expect them will sting.

 

I don't want to guilt trip her either--that's not the person I am. But, I do sorta wanna get the point across that I, ME, MYSELF, think she is making a mistake. Yet when I think this, I know that it doesn't technically matter how I feel. Especially if it is her choice. Right?

 

I'm just... Mainly... well probably leaning toward false hope at the moment. But now I'm also to the point where I don't want her to say yes out of pity.

 

 

 

I guess I still can't believe this is happening. Not the break-up part. Just the love part. People speak of love as an unbreakable bond, but... this.... this isn't what I wanted? I don't want the heartache... See... sigh...

 

I seriously don't get why we can't just be happy. Why does wanting different things, or being too different not happy? See, I feel like maybe I was too constricting (maybe not) but in truth, I really don't care what she does as long as 4 things are maintained:

 

1) She is Loyal and does not Lie.

2) She is Happy with HER life.

3) She is Safe in everything that she does.

4) She is Includes me if possible. (Doesn't mean I have to go to everything, just gives the opportunity)

 

I'm sure that when layers start getting added I may sound controlling, or constricting, maybe insecure. But...

 

At the core, this is all that I desire

 

Is this not possible? Is there something wrong with my thought process? Or is it really her? Not all minds think alike--I've heard many a times. But.... What else could you desire? These 4 things aren't enough? Fundamentally enough?

 

I'm not talking about wanting girls night, or completing future stuff yadayada. That's no longer fundamental.

 

No...

 

These 4 things... They aren't enough? I don't get it.... Am I being a bad guy? Is it me?

 

I don't get why....

 

Is it because I thought of her as always by my side? Not forced of course but like... Did I think of her too much and not myself?

 

I can see that... but... Were that an issue, that makes it seem like she doesn't put value into our relationship ya know? Like theoretically lets just say I made it my mission to make her happy. Doesn't that technically make me have to work hard in order to achieve that? Yet, if I do that, somehow I'm not thinking for myself?

 

This seems like a confusing concept. I am aren't I if I want to do it no?

 

Lol ok deviating way too much. I'm sure I will continue to post on this for sure until the big day comes so please bare with me if you are annoyed at me or what not. Heck comment why (But if you choose to, know that it best be constructive if you'd like me to read it and take it seriously)