dobielover Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 It's just been two dates. He texts or calls daily, and is quite flirtatious, but when we talk, our conversation is basically him asking the obligatory, "How was your day?" and me answering blandly, because I get the sense he's not really interested in the real answer (that is, if it was a rough day at work or whatever). After our last date, I noticed that the rest of our conversation centers around me asking questions about him to get to him him on a personal level, about his interests, his likes and dislikes, his family, etc. He doesn't ask the same questions. Rather, his are focused on a suspicious sort of, "Why are you single?" and "When was your last relationship?" type inquiries. They're not really aimed at getting to know me, but more about perhaps my "relationship flaws"? Also, I ran a marathon today. I had to drive 100 miles to get to it and stay over night, and he knew that. We saw each other on Friday and I even reminded him of the race when I chose pasta for dinner, mentioning I needed to carb up. He didn't wish me good luck going into it, nor yesterday, or this morning, and I waited all day to hear something, didn't hear a word. Should I just cut bait now?
mrldii Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 I don't know that it would "bother" me, but I would take it as either he has no social graces OR he's simply putting in the obligatory time to get to the 3rd date 'cuz that's-when-you-know-what-happens so, yeah...either way, I'D cut bait. Good luck in your decision, OP... 2
smackie9 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Yup cut him off. Does it not make total sense to? I'm not sure why you need to ask....his behavior is off yes. Those little details are telling enough. 2
Maggie4 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Honestly, how much that bothers me depends on how much I like him. If a man is really hot, I give him more chances. I know, isn't that terrible? But yeah, all these little things you should keep in mind. 1
Author dobielover Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 Honestly, how much that bothers me depends on how much I like him. If a man is really hot, I give him more chances. I know, isn't that terrible? But yeah, all these little things you should keep in mind. He's really hot. If he weren't that hot, I'd be pretty meh just from the lack of curiosity about me as a person.
Author dobielover Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 I don't know that it would "bother" me, but I would take it as either he has no social graces OR he's simply putting in the obligatory time to get to the 3rd date 'cuz that's-when-you-know-what-happens so, yeah...either way, I'D cut bait. Good luck in your decision, OP... I hadn't thought about that. Time to pump the brakes!
avintagegirl Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 (edited) It's just been two dates. He texts or calls daily, and is quite flirtatious, but when we talk, our conversation is basically him asking the obligatory, "How was your day?" and me answering blandly, because I get the sense he's not really interested in the real answer (that is, if it was a rough day at work or whatever). After our last date, I noticed that the rest of our conversation centers around me asking questions about him to get to him him on a personal level, about his interests, his likes and dislikes, his family, etc. He doesn't ask the same questions. Rather, his are focused on a suspicious sort of, "Why are you single?" and "When was your last relationship?" type inquiries. They're not really aimed at getting to know me, but more about perhaps my "relationship flaws"? Also, I ran a marathon today. I had to drive 100 miles to get to it and stay over night, and he knew that. We saw each other on Friday and I even reminded him of the race when I chose pasta for dinner, mentioning I needed to carb up. He didn't wish me good luck going into it, nor yesterday, or this morning, and I waited all day to hear something, didn't hear a word. Should I just cut bait now? Let me get this right: You have had 2 dates with this fellow. When he asks about your day answer him blandly because you don't think he is interested in you/your day. On the second date he is asking you questions about your relationships - maybe trying to get a feel on where you are and in what direction you are going with your life - and you feel it is suspicious. Maybe he just didn't want to parrot the same questions you were asking back to you? Then you are hurt that he didn't wish you good luck with a life event that you are proud of. To me it sounds like you have mixed signals going on. You were both asking questions of each other on the second date, yet on the phone you might seem not interested in responding to his inquiries in a meaningful way. Then you are hurt he doesn't acknowledge your marathon that when you saw him (on the second date?) you mentioned. I would say this, if you are interested, be all there - no blandness. If not, move on. If he is not interested in you and you need to be bland about your life, move on. Edited December 7, 2015 by avintagegirl
Author dobielover Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 Let me get this right: You have had 2 dates with this fellow. When he asks about your day answer him blandly because you don't think he is interested in you/your day. On the second date he is asking you questions about your relationships - maybe trying to get a feel on where you are and in what direction you are going with your life - and you feel it is suspicious. Maybe he just didn't want to parrot the same questions you were asking back to you? Then you are hurt that he didn't wish you good luck with a life event that you are proud of. To me it sounds like you have mixed signals going on. You were both asking questions of each other on the second date, yet on the phone you might seem not interested in responding to his inquiries in a meaningful way. Then you are hurt he doesn't acknowledge your marathon that when you saw him (on the second date?) you mentioned. I would say this, if you are interested, be all there - no blandness. If he is not interested in you, or you aren't interested in him enough to care to not be bland, move on. There definitely aren't any mixed signals on my part. I began answering blandly because, he'd ask about my day, I'd answer sincerely, and he'd not respond or address anything I'd say. The day after San Bernardino, we had a guy escorted from our office for making a threat of workplace violence. I told him this. And he responded with, "Oh, wow. So... " and changed the subject. It was as if I'd talked to a wall, and this was like the 7th time it happened. So, I determined he was asking out of obligation, and not really interested in the answer. As such, I began answering blandly. He began asking me about my relationships before we even had a first date. Each date has had questions about why I'm single, about my last relationships/dates, as well as in between. Hence why I've interpreted his questions as suspicious of me and my single-ness. He's never, not once, asked me anything about myself. I've had to volunteer it. If I ask about his family, he answers. And I sit there waiting for him to express interest in learning about mine. It never comes. I ask about his interests, his hobbies, he answers. I wait for him to express interest in knowing mine. It never comes. I have to volunteer everything, randomly, almost force it into conversation. Hope that clears it up.
avintagegirl Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Thanks for the clarification. Yes it did help. If he isn't interested in you this early on, the odds of him ever being are probably pretty small. I would end it. 1
Versacehottie Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 It's just been two dates. He texts or calls daily, and is quite flirtatious, but when we talk, our conversation is basically him asking the obligatory, "How was your day?" and me answering blandly, because I get the sense he's not really interested in the real answer (that is, if it was a rough day at work or whatever). After our last date, I noticed that the rest of our conversation centers around me asking questions about him to get to him him on a personal level, about his interests, his likes and dislikes, his family, etc. He doesn't ask the same questions. Rather, his are focused on a suspicious sort of, "Why are you single?" and "When was your last relationship?" type inquiries. They're not really aimed at getting to know me, but more about perhaps my "relationship flaws"? Also, I ran a marathon today. I had to drive 100 miles to get to it and stay over night, and he knew that. We saw each other on Friday and I even reminded him of the race when I chose pasta for dinner, mentioning I needed to carb up. He didn't wish me good luck going into it, nor yesterday, or this morning, and I waited all day to hear something, didn't hear a word. Should I just cut bait now? I don't know if I would cut bait (I would be considering it though!). But you need to nip this in the bud right now. Guys can have a tendency to be self-centered. Also their conversation can suck for lack of a better word sometimes. That said, it a relationship fact that 2-3 dates in, a guy is still trying to impress you or in other words "sell himself" to you. I'd be a little suspicious if he was hot and didn't have the savvy and charm and confidence to be past this point both in life and with you. If he's hot, presumably he's had a decent amount of dating experience so he'd get better over the course of it. And learn from his mistake of NOT being charming and engaging, ie asking about you. I'm very weary when guys don't ask about the girl because it could also point to them not TRULY being into getting into a relationship. OR it could indicate that basically he is a self-centered ass (which would be a fail in the long run). My advice would be to speak up about yourself. I've noticed that better looking more guy-guy type guys tend to approach things like a GUY. In other words, their reasoning is if you want them to know something, you will tell them. They are bad at asking questions. You have to assert that you are on their level. So seriously start talking about yourself. If he tries to turn it back to him or goes silent, turn it back to yourself or a mutual topic. If he interrupts you to turn convo back to himself, just look at him like he's lost his mind. I would have no problem calling him out on it teasingly. Now is the best time. Not when you are in a relationship with him. It will shock him more and make him perk up if you do it now. Nicely, in a feminine way but let him know you notice that his conversation skills could use improvement. Shoot, I can't word it for you right now so I hope you get the vibe. Don't kill the mood or be naggy at all. Confident, teasing. A challenge in a way for him to do better. Whatever you do, do not sleep with him. He's a good looking guy and you don't exactly trust his motives yet. Be different than the normal girls he goes out with. Tell him you want to take things slow. Best chance to find out what he is about and make him see you differently. Good luck 1
Author dobielover Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 Thanks for the clarification. Yes it did help. If he isn't interested in you this early on, the odds of him ever being are probably pretty small. I would end it. That's what's odd though. He's regularly initiating contact and being very flirtatious. That to me suggests interest this early on. It's more that his behavior suggests a lack or inability to develop an emotional bond. He must just be looking to get laid? But he lives over an hour away... he could get laid a lot easier closer by.
Author dobielover Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 I don't know if I would cut bait (I would be considering it though!). But you need to nip this in the bud right now. Guys can have a tendency to be self-centered. Also their conversation can suck for lack of a better word sometimes. That said, it a relationship fact that 2-3 dates in, a guy is still trying to impress you or in other words "sell himself" to you. I'd be a little suspicious if he was hot and didn't have the savvy and charm and confidence to be past this point both in life and with you. If he's hot, presumably he's had a decent amount of dating experience so he'd get better over the course of it. And learn from his mistake of NOT being charming and engaging, ie asking about you. I'm very weary when guys don't ask about the girl because it could also point to them not TRULY being into getting into a relationship. OR it could indicate that basically he is a self-centered ass (which would be a fail in the long run). My advice would be to speak up about yourself. I've noticed that better looking more guy-guy type guys tend to approach things like a GUY. In other words, their reasoning is if you want them to know something, you will tell them. They are bad at asking questions. You have to assert that you are on their level. So seriously start talking about yourself. If he tries to turn it back to him or goes silent, turn it back to yourself or a mutual topic. If he interrupts you to turn convo back to himself, just look at him like he's lost his mind. I would have no problem calling him out on it teasingly. Now is the best time. Not when you are in a relationship with him. It will shock him more and make him perk up if you do it now. Nicely, in a feminine way but let him know you notice that his conversation skills could use improvement. Shoot, I can't word it for you right now so I hope you get the vibe. Don't kill the mood or be naggy at all. Confident, teasing. A challenge in a way for him to do better. Whatever you do, do not sleep with him. He's a good looking guy and you don't exactly trust his motives yet. Be different than the normal girls he goes out with. Tell him you want to take things slow. Best chance to find out what he is about and make him see you differently. Good luck About the difference between men and women, he asks questions and interviews and learns about people and places them into boxes for a living. Does that change anything for you? I have no idea how to let him know his conversation skills could use improvement. ??
avintagegirl Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 That's what's odd though. He's regularly initiating contact and being very flirtatious. That to me suggests interest this early on. It's more that his behavior suggests a lack or inability to develop an emotional bond. He must just be looking to get laid? But he lives over an hour away... he could get laid a lot easier closer by. Yes but at the moment, you are right there. 2
mrldii Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 That's what's odd though. He's regularly initiating contact and being very flirtatious. That to me suggests interest this early on. It's more that his behavior suggests a lack or inability to develop an emotional bond. He must just be looking to get laid? But he lives over an hour away... he could get laid a lot easier closer by. Inability to develop an emotional bond would be a deal-breaker for me; I'd want to know that while just dating, rather than finding it out once I'm fully-vested. Just because he lives over an hour away does NOT mean he's not just doing the basics to get to the obligatory 3rd-date; some men will move mountains to get *new strange* and/or to keep their 'I bat 1.000 with every chick I meet' record intact. The mere fact that you've even noticed it and that it bothers you enough to talk/worry about it, speaks volumes...and it's probably your gut screaming at you, while your heart (and parts lower) are trying hard to ignore it. 1
Author dobielover Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 The mere fact that you've even noticed it and that it bothers you enough to talk/worry about it, speaks volumes...and it's probably your gut screaming at you, while your heart (and parts lower) are trying hard to ignore it. Yeah, today really bothered me, that he didn't even wish me good luck or ask about the marathon and how it went. I have tons of people and acquaintances even blowing up my phone with that sort of thing. So I just went ahead and volunteered it about 2.5 hours ago that I PR'd today (set a personal record). He normally responds quickly within 5 minutes. He hasn't responded. I don't think he cares.
Wewon Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 It's just been two dates. He texts or calls daily, and is quite flirtatious, but when we talk, our conversation is basically him asking the obligatory, "How was your day?" and me answering blandly, because I get the sense he's not really interested in the real answer (that is, if it was a rough day at work or whatever). After our last date, I noticed that the rest of our conversation centers around me asking questions about him to get to him him on a personal level, about his interests, his likes and dislikes, his family, etc. He doesn't ask the same questions. Rather, his are focused on a suspicious sort of, "Why are you single?" and "When was your last relationship?" type inquiries. They're not really aimed at getting to know me, but more about perhaps my "relationship flaws"? Also, I ran a marathon today. I had to drive 100 miles to get to it and stay over night, and he knew that. We saw each other on Friday and I even reminded him of the race when I chose pasta for dinner, mentioning I needed to carb up. He didn't wish me good luck going into it, nor yesterday, or this morning, and I waited all day to hear something, didn't hear a word. Should I just cut bait now? I'm going to be the dissenting opinion here and say that it sounds like you're both equally guilty of being stuck in conversation first gear. He stays with the initial niceities of conversation and you are reciprocating. Instead of ending things, maybe start with a brief anecdote and let him get to know you. There was no reason that you couldn't have started talking about your marathon if you wanted him to know you.
abby_tx Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Yeah, I'd skip the third date. So many little things about him are irritating to you. This early on that's a bad sign. He's not going to suddenly get good at conversing. That marathon WAS a big deal. Congratulations! Sorry the doofus didn't give you the goodluck and congratulation you deserve. 1
Author dobielover Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 Instead of ending things, maybe start with a brief anecdote and let him get to know you. There was no reason that you couldn't have started talking about your marathon if you wanted him to know you. I did, at dinner on Friday, when I brought up needing to carb up for it. He didn't ask a single question about it, or interest that I was going to be doing it, just, "running long distance isn't for me." And then I think he started talking about football, at which point I allowed him to change the subject without flinching and asked him what his favorite team(s) were, why he likes them, etc. Again, no reciprocation. I try to start conversations about myself with anecdotes, and he's just not interested it doesn't seem like.
Author dobielover Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 Yeah, I'd skip the third date. So many little things about him are irritating to you. This early on that's a bad sign. He's not going to suddenly get good at conversing. That marathon WAS a big deal. Congratulations! Sorry the doofus didn't give you the goodluck and congratulation you deserve. Thank you. It was my 10th but important to me. I didn't BQ but came close.
hippychick3 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 No guy is hot enough to put up with that degree of self-centeredness. He doesn't sound interested enough, and I'd be really bothered by his blatant disinterest in such an important event in your life. Congrats, btw! 1
Author dobielover Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 He's online now, my profile is hidden because my membership expired the day of our first date (he knows that). He'd said he only dates one woman at a time, but he's been on there every day multiple times a day. I've appreciated this thread and this conversation with everyone. It always feels good to validate your gut instinct, even when it's not what you want it to be.
oregon0011 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Can't believe I am even reading this... So a guy has to be able to text the exact perfect things just after two dates? he has to be interested in your life, ask all kinds of questions? (but not in a boring way) Do you do the same for him? Often times people don't text or talk at all in between dates, unless to set up the next date..
oregon0011 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 No guy is hot enough to put up with that degree of self-centeredness. He doesn't sound interested enough, and I'd be really bothered by his blatant disinterest in such an important event in your life. Congrats, btw! Yeah, and if he is "interested" after 2 dates he is then a needy pathetic stalker who doesn't have a life of his own.. Important events? She isn't sick.. She is running a marathon..Would she be asking him about his tennis match/rugby game? And really care?
Maggie4 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Yup, self-centered, or just lazy. I had an ex-bf like that. I don't like answering questions, so when he didn't ask about me, that suited me just fine. It was one of the things I liked about him, so that was my contribution to the failure. When we were breaking up, he complained that I don't tell him anything about me and that he knew nothing about what I do. After we broke up, he got all interested to get to know me and wanted to get into everything I am remotely interested in, because he wanted to "try again". Of course that ship had sailed by then. Anyway, man like that CAN take an interest when he thinks it matters. He CAN reciprocate more in conversation when he wants to. There's no lack of skill, only lack of will. 1
Recommended Posts