greatsauce1 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Hey, I want to make this post to contribute to the community and the men/women out there who are struggling with their emotional losses after an event. We all go through tough times in life, and we’ve all felt a great amount of pain, some more than others, but rest assured you are not alone, and things are about to get better. I’ve been through rough break ups myself and felt the pain associated with loosing someone you love (even recently) several times and feeling alone for weeks, even months, before finally piecing myself together and living a more fulfilling life - what is important is that you learn from it and grow stronger, and it's taken me some time to say the least. Anyway, sometimes these things might even be your fault. Maybe you cheated on someone, maybe you took for granted what you had, grew too comfortable with the safety of comfort and before you could realize it, you lost your most bellowed without even noticing it before it was too late, even though it was very obvious. Maybe someone dumped you, and you are feeling guilty about things you have done within the relationship to cause it. Or maybe someone cheated/betrayed YOU, either way – this is what I will make my best attempt to help you out with now. I want you to learn something invaluable about compassion, REAL COMPASSION, and having it for yourself and others. Once you have real compassion for yourself, only then can you have real compassion for others. Now, what is compassion and how can we experience more of it? Compassion is one of the best things we can do for our own self-esteem; it is a deep honoring and respect for the self, for other people, and for the world. If you look up compassion in the dictionary, you will get: “A deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it” /synonym: Pity. But there is nothing in there about unconditional love, respect, and honor for the path that people are choosing; it’s all about having PITY for people and feeling sorry for them. It’s actually pretty arrogant when you think about it, because feeling sorry for someone presupposes that you are superior to them. It’s like when you look at the path someone has chosen and you go, “That poor sucker, I feel sorry for them, what a loser”, it has nothing to do with REAL compassion, the kind of compassion that enlightened masters like Jesus or Buddha were able to feel congruently within their hearts. Whether you believe that Jesus was fiction or non-fiction, I think it’s safe to say that the guy had one of the deepest levels of compassion that has ever been written about. This was a guy who was beaten, tortured, nailed to the cross and left to die. And what did he actually SAY when he was up on that cross, bleeding to death? He said, “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.” whether you believe in Jesus or not, this is compassion in its truest form. You can use this formula with everything in life, not just break ups but also in a more general term, it can really help you in other areas of life as well. So, think of someone who have betrayed you, someone that you have trouble honoring. It can be a friend who stole from you, an ex-partner who cheated on you – it doesn’t matter who the person is or what the actual injustice was. You can even use this formula on yourself. But at least for now, pick someone who cheated/betrayed you, and lets see how we can turn this into compassion, honor and unconditional love. Step one – identifying the conflict. So this one is quite easy. You need to define exactly what the conflict, or injustice, or thing that you’re upset about really is. So in this case, the example is “cheating” or “betrayal” Step two – Roles – How did you invite this into your life? You need to identify the ROLES that you BOTH played in this. I’m not condoning the betrayal, but it’s important to take response-ability for the part that you played in this. How did you invite this betrayal into your life? Hint: if you were cheated on. You invited this cheating into your life because you actively ignored several warning signs. Warning signs? Maybe you accepted flirting with other people to happen, maybe you even flirted with other people yourself. Maybe you put up with too much “crap” – in other words, maybe you didn’t put your foot down and assert yourself appropriately. Perhaps you allowed your lover to frequently show up late, or flake on you, argue with you, etc. Maybe you didn’t deal with issues as they came up, and perhaps you both swept things under the carpet. You know, after a while these things start piling up.. So, take a look at the role that you BOTH played in this, and please pay special attention to the role that YOU played. Now take a moment and view the scenes from THE OTHER PERSONS EYES. This is empathy. How do you think THEY perceive these events? Take a moment to actually step into their body and feel what it’s like to walk a mile in their shoes. Look at the conflict from both sides, and then look at it from a distance. View the scenes as if they were happening on a TV screen (objectively). So keep looking at the events, the conflicts, and the issues from the perspectives: 1. See the events through your own eyes. 2. See the events from the other person’s eyes. 3. See the events from the outside observer perspective. Step Three – Practical lessons. What are the practical lessons that you need to learn from this experience? Because if you don’t take the time to figure out what you can learn from this, you will eventually experience the same conflicts again and again until you finally learn what needs to be learned. In the context of getting cheated on, what could you have done instead of, say, sweeping relationship problems under the carpet? What will you do differently next time? Step four – The world is your mirror “The world is your mirror” is one of the toughest concepts to grasp, because most people do not take response-ability for themselves and their reality. Most people are content to blame others and to feel like victims. So this step is going to require more self-honesty than most human being are prepared to allow… What aspects of yourself are being reflected back to you? For example if you were cheated on and have difficulty having compassion for this person, you need to take a look at the parts of YOURSELF that you are judging. Would YOU cheat under ANY circumstance? Now is the time to be VERY honest with yourself and to be a non-judgmental observer. Maybe what they are mirroring back to you is that your self-worth is really low. Could it be that you don’t take care of YOURSELF as much as you should? No need to BLAME yourself, just take response-ability for the part you played in this. Looking back at the relationship with the one who cheated on you, can you see where you might have violated any ‘universal laws’ ? Were you acting needy, did you give away your power? Did you accept yourself fully and allow yourself to feel loved? Did you speak your truth at all times? If the answer is yes, then you know that you didn’t indirectly contribute to the cheating. You now know for certain that “it’s not about you” Step five – Rleasing blame. Can you now release this person from blame? This one is easy when you understand that you are not a “victim”. On the contrary, it is wise to view yourself as an active participant in the contract and lesson that you helped set up. Don’t just see the person – look at the SOUL. There is a soul inside that body and it is here, just like you are, learning the tough lessons of love and life. If you ever see this person again, will you be able to be KIND to them? This may or may not be desirable depending on the injustice (e.g if you got raped). But ask it anyway. Could you be kind to this person from a distance? Can you be kind to them in your mind? HOW will you be kind to them? WHEN will you be kind to them? You should be feeling a surge of compassion and gratitude for the other person involved in the conflict/contract. You should now be viewing this experience as a GIFT. If not, then go back through the steps and start over. Sometimes it takes a few attempts before we finally get to the lessons we are working on. And if you are feeling guilty about something, use the formula on yourself and dig out the deeper cause and commit to change for a better future. I’m hoping someone out there got some insight and value from this. This process has helped me enormously in learning about myself and ultimately realizing that, as it’s said: “the only way to find true love, is to become it”
brokehrt Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 This is a great post, I appreciate it. I can't let go, or forgive myself right now. I really want to. I want to stop hurting. I feel that the majority of the cause for the breakup was me and the things I did. I didn't cheat, I was depressed and combative. I didn't love myself and that led to our demise. I don't know how to forgive myself, let alone have compassion for myself. When I see it through her eyes, I see a horrible situation that she tried her best to deal with and love me through. I failed her. And I wasn't nice to her about it. I love her so much SO much. The hurt that I inflicted on her is too much to forgive myself for right now because all I can do is think about it from her perspective. I was too wrapped up in my own before she left and that is what killed it. Now I am in hell... ugh.
Chronotrgr Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 If only people would apply this to their every day standard of living, not just relationships, the world would be a much better place for us all.
K2z Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 This is a great post, I appreciate it. I can't let go, or forgive myself right now. I really want to. I want to stop hurting. I feel that the majority of the cause for the breakup was me and the things I did. ... I didn't love myself and that led to our demise. I don't know how to forgive myself, let alone have compassion for myself. When I see it through her eyes, I see a horrible situation that she tried her best to deal with and love me through. I failed her.. This parallels my situation very closely, perhaps with a little less combativeness on my part. I let her dangle... partially because I was waiting for some "magic moment" to propose, and partially out of arrogance that she would wait and wait. I too was depressed and didn't properly get my career and finances lined up, so that caused me to delay, too. I have spent many months beating myself up, pickling myself with alcohol, and exploring the depths of lonely self-pity. I am your neighbor in Hell.
Author greatsauce1 Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 This is a great post, I appreciate it. I can't let go, or forgive myself right now. I really want to. I want to stop hurting. I feel that the majority of the cause for the breakup was me and the things I did. I didn't cheat, I was depressed and combative. I didn't love myself and that led to our demise. I don't know how to forgive myself, let alone have compassion for myself. When I see it through her eyes, I see a horrible situation that she tried her best to deal with and love me through. I failed her. And I wasn't nice to her about it. I love her so much SO much. The hurt that I inflicted on her is too much to forgive myself for right now because all I can do is think about it from her perspective. I was too wrapped up in my own before she left and that is what killed it. Now I am in hell... ugh. I feel the same way as you my friend, loosing my girlfriend after 3 years. I did things that Im not very proud of, like even kissing another girl at one point, which was extremely stupid of me. The girl I lost over this, is to me the most faithful, beautiful and amazing girl in the world, so it's truly agonizing to think that I am somehow responsible for loosing her. The thing that has come to my own attention through much contemplation recently tho, is that I've been deeply selfish and in denial about it for a very long time. I was not completely happy with myself when I met her, and that I without intending to do it "used her" to cover up the unhappiness I was feeling with myself. But then you have to find out, why werent you happy with yourself to begin with? I didnt know any better myself, and things out of my control happend to steer me in that direction, so I dont need to blame myself too much, because I simply didnt know any better at the time. Now that I have realized it, I can see that, the only thing that is right to do now, is to plan out and take the action steps needed to "be happy without her", not just finding someone and repeating the cycle, but learning to be happy with the life I live - and then, when it's done, I can find a girl (maybe even the same girl, who knows) and love her from a completely different and more mature place. I just feel like loving someone because you feel sad without them is not really love, but egoism, on a deeper level trying to take rather than give to this person. Let them be free if that is what they choose, and love them from a far, send them good vibes, and focus on loving yourself even more - to me, that is love.
SunlightJune Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 I can feel something has changed in me since my last break up. I don't think I'll ever forget the night I found out my ex got married shortly after we had broken up. It was around 2 am because I couldn't sleep so I regrettably looked at his social media and I cant even describe the pain I felt. I started sobbing so hard, the tears went on for hours, I stayed up the entire night and eventually had to go downstairs to watch the news in a state of pure numbness and I was consumed with guilt and regret. That pain is horrendous. Most people don't understand, they just want you to move on and they forget what it feels like to be heartbroken. I woke up to the last words he sent me in a text, like I'm being haunted by his carelessness even two months later. Its getting easier, but it has changed me, for better or worse I don't know. I think it definitely pushes me forward to finding a better mate for myself though, that much I know. Now I'll know not to take anything for granted in a relationship. Thanks for this post.
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