Question for the women: "Butterflies"?

December 7, 2015

If she wasn't attracted, then why go on the date? I'm convinced some women just enjoy rejecting, and are only attracted to people who treat them like sh*t.

This one is nuts, f*ck her anyway.

OK I agree that she sounds immature but you are showing a little bit of a problem accepting rejection - you had nothing invested with her and she actually showed you that she wouldn't be a good match for you with that comment, so why go to such a nasty place about her? I mean I am not defending her but you shouldn't give that much of a f***. Dating includes rejection unfortunately so you need to get a thicker skin and learn how to accept it with some grace. How is the other one working out??

December 7, 2015

I am solidly in my 30's, but I was the same way in my early 20's. I am bold, I will make a first move, I'll ask him out etc etc - in other words break all the "rules".

That said - reach out to that girl. If I am chasing and stop, likely its because I don't think he is interested (I will chase, but there are limits), or maybe she met someone else etc. But it doesn't hurt to drop you a line. She might be very happy to hear from you.

I like your style. Makes it easier for us men.

We don't know each other. She was trying to get my attention and I, gulp, froze. Now she kinda gives me the cold shoulder but still stares at me. I'm debating if I do something now I'll get a solid hand to the face.

December 7, 2015

Do I sound bitter? I don't really care. I am dating a nice, cool woman who seems to appreciate me and who I look forward to getting to know more. My intention on going on these other dates was to ride the momentum, given my new not-caring state, since I already have this girl pretty much in the bag. However, this obviously backfired, because it was just another girl telling me she didn't like me.

:( It makes you come off as quite dubious to be making such a big stink about some girl you just met rejecting you while meanwhile you have a nice cool woman "in the bag" already anyway.

If you had a major connection with this woman would you be continuing to "ride the momentum" and dating without caring? At least this butterflies girl, whether she's an immature bimbo or just somebody who made an unfortunate choice of words, let you know right away that this wasn't going to go anywhere.

What if she was just "riding the momentum" and collecting as many guys to date as she could and you were just one of them. I bet you would not have liked that any better!!

December 7, 2015

For me a spark is being naturally drawn to a person. I'm sure you all have those people you naturally feel more comfortable with. Add sexual desire and you have the "spark".

I don't think there's any reason to take it personally when someone doesn't feel the "spark". Even in my teens I felt it at most once a year. I did wish I could feel the spark more often.

December 7, 2015

I just hope that the OP understands that this is one of those things that its not worth getting worked up over.

By its very nature "butterflies", "chemistry" or "spark" are arbitrary and changes from woman to woman. That's the frustrating part, because if it was something like a bad haircut, 30 pounds overweight, acne or outdated clothing then you could make a direct effort to change it and see your results. But as it stands, it seems sort of like a blank check to bail while continuing to balk about relationships with no introspection.

On the bright side, there is nothing you can do so you may as well not worry about it. You can always do you own sanity check to make sure that you're doing the best that you can for yourself. So long as you make sure that you don't have any blatant issues that need addressing leave people to sort out their own vague requirements.

It actually adds nothing to your life or your own dating market value to worry about this.

I agree, so long as you are getting dates. You'll eventually find a woman that has the butterflies for you. Although it can be frustrating when every date seems to be a miss.

December 7, 2015

I agree, so long as you are getting dates. You'll eventually find a woman that has the butterflies for you. Although it can be frustrating when every date seems to be a miss.

That's what made me stop with OLD. The frustration of misses. I look at it like a baseball player being in a slump. Swinging and missing at the plate will take it's toll.

December 7, 2015

Hey, look at all these responses! Not sure which to respond to so here are some general thoughts.

First, I want to address the idea of anger. I'm not sure when it became 'wrong' or 'bad' to be angry. I'm angry. I'm angry at the way people treat each other in dating. Look at the front page of this section. He/she ghosted on me, things were going so well and then poof, they pulled the disappearing act. This is terrible! There are so many people whose stomachs are dropping - NOT in a butterfly way - because they were really beginning to like someone, and that person disappeared with nary an explanation. This is what our culture is coming to, folks. No manner or decency in dating. People as objects and commodities from whom we can flit and fly like... you guessed it... butterflies.

That makes me angry.

Secondly - chemistry and butterflies themselves. Ah, loveweary, with your assertions that if someone doesn't like me, I'm definitely doing something wrong. Hmm. Interesting. I'm happy for you that you have NEVER been rejected after a first date. You are quite the unicorn in this regard. Your swag is greater than most, clearly. It doesn't work that way for the rest of us mere mortals. Sure, appearance and charm are integral to a good first date. But if every guy obsessed about performing perfectly on a date, in all aspects, he would cease to be himself. And aren't we all told to be ourselves? I don't agree with you.

So, your blaming me for all of my failed dates. Interesting angle, however, wrong. It reminds me of people on here who go, "You're angry! When you go on dates, they can sense your anger!" Uh, no, plenty of us are able to compartmentalize aspects of our personalities and put our best foot forward on dates. I come here to complain. I go on dates to have fun. I don't post on LS on dates and I don't complain about women while I'm on them.

Let's see - again, I'm with Wewon when he mentions the very elusive nature of chemistry/butterflies. I've had GFs who felt them for me. I was the same guy then that I am know. You know how some women think Daniel Craig is hot, and others refer to him as a "turtle"? (True story.) Attraction and butterflies are subjective. So when WW refers to chemistry as a "moving target", I think this is a great analogy.

The same man attracts some and repels others.

Lastly, dating is an absolute sh*tshow. Good men and women are being hurt left and right. After this thing with girl 1 runs its course - which is currently happening - I'm hanging up my gloves. If I were to continue down this path and allowing women to dictate my self-esteem, I would have none left by January. In reality, you decide your worth. I'm worth plenty, and if idiots can't see it, it's a reflection on their own weird values and not mine.

Keep your nets handy, ladies. Your PUA douche is just around the corner!

December 7, 2015

'Butterflies' aren't gender-specific, although it's women who generally describe,

So my question to you: Do you not need butterflies for a relationship to thrive?

Do you not get the excitement of meeting someone new?

Do you feel a bit anxious when meeting a women with whom you click with too?

The woman you're with now, with great conversation and connection,

Did you at some point, even maybe now, feel excitement and affection?

Then you yourself have felt these 'butterflies', and you chose not to ignore,

So, if a woman claims to not feel these with you, it shouldn't be something you abhor.

December 17, 2015

I just want to add a few points.....

What's wrong with anger?

It's counter productive. Anger won't bring you closer to your goals but rather further away from them.

It's a horribly unhealthy emotion. Releases chemicals into your system which negatively affect your bodily functions, destroys health, and over all is not very beneficial.

Indulging in anger often leads to more anger and frustration.

Anger and frustration are very difficult to mask, you may think that you do not project these emotions at all, but there are often subconscious tells which body launage etc convey.

Anger is a negitive emotion, and often encroages other negitive thoughts / emotions (unlike positive thinking for example).

So, you can continue to be furious that dating isnt working for you. Blame all the others, become hateful and more angry.... And see if that leads to some sort of happiness.

Yeah dating sucks. But I am not sure that the human race has evolved or changed so much that it's so much worse than it used to be.

Finding a person you really connect with is hard. That person IS a unicorn - honestly I am surprised that people find them (myself included) because it seems like the odds would be stacked against finding someone you really click with.

But in my opinion at least, being angry about it, isn't going to do much good, and will likely harm that persuit.

People are generally drawn to happy and positive people, because that is what many of us hope to have in our lives, instead of bitterness and anger. They are simply very unattractive traits.

In my life, every time I said "I don't need anyone" and really just focused in myself, and my happiness.... That's when guys (the ones that mattered at least) really took notice.

December 17, 2015

Sometimes it's good to take a break from dating when it starts to be a real drag.

December 17, 2015

I find "butterflies" to be a pretty lame idea.

I get that people can feel an "instant chemistry" but that (IMHO) is a pretty stupid thing to go off of.

So is a lack of "butterflies" in the first or second meeting.

I find I only feel the release of love hormones after a sufficient amount of time and sense of a person. I suspect many women are the same.

This whole butterfly thing is incredibly immature.

December 17, 2015

. I'm angry. I'm angry at the way people treat each other in dating.

Keep your nets handy, ladies. Your PUA douche is just around the corner!

You are angry at the way people treat each other so what do you do? You have a girl in the bag who you think is great and you enjoy getting to know her. Yet you go on other dates to get an ego boost and when someone claims no chemistry you turn all "**** her i have someone special already". If the girl in the bag is so special then why do you need to ride the momentum -as you put it- with other women. What if both women turn out to be great. Will you carry on dating both? Do you think that would be fair?

If i went on a date with a guy and he already had someone in the bag that he was excited about and he only used me to ride the momentum..i would be pretty upset. What you did is not an example of how people should treat each other..but you somehow dont see that.

Butterflies for me means chemistry, physical attraction. Without it things are pointless. It is not imature to wanting to be attracted to someone. Noone likes rejection but going all "**** her " just because she doesnt think you are a good match is an extreme reaction given that you already have someone in the bag.

I think that we -both women and men- are allowed to change our minds at any point. Sometimes it is easier to use the excuse of no chemistry than to point out the real reason. Or maybe chemistry was the real reason. I had guys who wished gangrape on me just because i rejected them after a first date. One never knows how the other person will react. Especially highly strung men who are already bitter about women..Being ghosted on is not nice but doing it after one date is not exactly a crime either.

Your last line is strange given that you were trying to be the pua douche who already has someone but needs validation from other women. Your intention with this women were not honourable and now you are mad that she rejected you.

You had a one hour date. She made it clear she is not interested. I dont see the reason for all this anger. From saying that you are curious about butterflies but you are not mad you go to " women are looking for someone who mistreats them" and "this one is nuts" and "get the **** out of here" etc. To me that is pretty mad. A lot of anger. Maybe she glimpsed that.

Edited December 17, 2015 by Natalie8

December 17, 2015

Well to be fair to the OP, it appears he made this thread after a moment of frustration in dating, which we all have. This thread wasn't bumped up by him, it was bumped up by someone else.

But getting to the general topic, I don't think this girl led the OP on. She got back to him right away saying honestly how she felt. She was straightforward, and that's better than most people doing OLD act.

You ever interview for a job? You ever interview someone for a job? How do you act in the interview? Well, even if you're thinking that it may not be the right fit, you still will act interested and engaged (or at least, that is how you SHOULD act). You do this out of respect for the person sitting in the other side of the desk, and also because you never know and so you want to make a good impression anyway.

That may be what happened on a date such as the one that was the subject of this thread. She might have realized that she wasn't feeling the romantic chemistry--which oftentimes can be ascertained only face-to-face. But she still was going to be engaged and engaging for the date anyway. Would you rather she was sullen and disconnected?

We can say that going by first-date butterflies is stupid, but keep in mind, this young woman (as the OP dates pretty women in their 20s) probably meets a lot of guys both in real-life and the guys writing her on the site. Her inbox is flooded. She just does not feel the need to go on a second date that she isn't already excited to go on.

That's my breakdown if the situation.

Edited December 17, 2015 by Imajerk17

December 17, 2015

I've been out with women, one in particular, where butterflies were felt on both sides...only to have her ghost on me...threw me for a loop I thought I was definitely a shoe-in for future dates with her considering the mutual attraction/energy between us.

After a couple of those experiences, I pretty much the dismiss the theory of chemistry and just think they are flakes who can't make up their minds or don't know what they want.

December 17, 2015

Well to be fair to the OP, it appears he made this thread after a moment of frustration in dating, which we all have. This thread wasn't bumped up by him, it was bumped up by someone else.

But getting to the general topic, I don't think this girl led the OP on. She got back to him right away saying honestly how she felt. She was straightforward, and that's better than most people doing OLD act.

You ever interview for a job? You ever interview someone for a job? How do you act in the interview? Well, even if you're thinking that it may not be the right fit, you still will act interested and engaged (or at least, that is how you SHOULD act). You do this out of respect for the person sitting in the other side of the desk, and also because you never know and so you want to make a good impression anyway.

That may be what happened on a date such as the one that was the subject of this thread. She might have realized that she wasn't feeling the romantic chemistry--which oftentimes can be ascertained only face-to-face. But she still was going to be engaged and engaging for the date anyway. Would you rather she was sullen and disconnected?

We can say that going by first-date butterflies is stupid, but keep in mind, this young woman (as the OP dates pretty women in their 20s) probably meets a lot of guys both in real-life and the guys writing her on the site. Her inbox is flooded. She just does not feel the need to go on a second date that she isn't already excited to go on.

That's my breakdown if the situation.

Personally, I would really respect someone who cut a date short because they weren't feeling it.

I had a girl matche me drink for drink for 4 hours on a date. The vibe was great and we talked so much that the bar staff had to tell us we had to go as last orders had been and gone. I got a text the next day to say there wasn't any spark in her opinion. What was the point in staying all that time?

As much as I had fun I am not really interested in deep and meaningful conversations about the life of someone I will never see again. Maybe that is part of my problem why I am single- I go on dates looking for a connection, not to just have a chat for a few hours with someone and see where it goes. I don't think thats unreasonable if you meet via a dating site as you both are there to date. So yeah I think its far better for a girl to cut it short if they have had that 5 second epiphany where she realises it won't ever get physical.

December 17, 2015

If a person doesn't want another date with you, why would you want another date with that person?

I can understand feeling disappointed and rejected, but I cànt understand thinking they are wrong to feel that way.

December 17, 2015

Personally, I would really respect someone who cut a date short because they weren't feeling it.

I had a girl matche me drink for drink for 4 hours on a date. The vibe was great and we talked so much that the bar staff had to tell us we had to go as last orders had been and gone. I got a text the next day to say there wasn't any spark in her opinion. What was the point in staying all that time?

As much as I had fun I am not really interested in deep and meaningful conversations about the life of someone I will never see again. Maybe that is part of my problem why I am single- I go on dates looking for a connection, not to just have a chat for a few hours with someone and see where it goes. I don't think thats unreasonable if you meet via a dating site as you both are there to date. So yeah I think its far better for a girl to cut it short if they have had that 5 second epiphany where she realises it won't ever get physical.

Wow, 4 hours?! I would usually think that if a date lasted THAT long, there would be a second. Usually you can gauge whether or not if someone will want to see you again based on this kind of time length. Talk about a twist.

Another way you can tell if a first date is going good , is if she suggested going somewhere AFTER your first meeting place. I once had a woman suggest a boat trip as our first activity. After that, I thought that would be the end of the night. But she said, "Want to go grab drinks?"

I thought that was a sign, "yep, things are going well"

Called her up for a 2nd date...no call back

December 17, 2015

Wow, 4 hours?! I would usually think that if a date lasted THAT long, there would be a second. Usually you can gauge whether or not if someone will want to see you again based on this kind of time length. Talk about a twist.

Another way you can tell if a first date is going good , is if she suggested going somewhere AFTER your first meeting place. I once had a woman suggest a boat trip as our first activity. After that, I thought that would be the end of the night. But she said, "Want to go grab drinks?"

I thought that was a sign, "yep, things are going well"

Called her up for a 2nd date...no call back

It begs the question, when is it acceptable for someone to say "sorry, not interested" when you, yourself, are interested?

Before the first date?

Halfway through the first date?

After first date?

After second date?

After several dates?

After months of dating?

When is a good time to hear "sorry, I'm not interested"?

December 17, 2015

I did not read the 7 pages but when a woman tells you after ONE date that she doesn't feel butterflies-chemistry-connection etc, she is giving you the generic sentence that means 'I have no interest at all' for what ever her reasons. There was something about you that turned her off maybe you're not her style, something you said, your mannerism, who knows but it's a 'no return' feeling.

Most women will give a second date even a 3rd date to a man she liked but did not feel butterflies. I am one of those women. I have had butterflies develop after 3-4 dates only and I had long term relationships in which I develop deep feeling without the butterflies phase.

December 17, 2015

Most women will give a second date even a 3rd date to a man she liked but did not feel butterflies. I am one of those women. I have had butterflies develop after 3-4 dates only and I had long term relationships in which I develop deep feeling without the butterflies phase.

That's good, at least you let something nurture, you have patience.

Thing is, I think a lot of singles go around looking for reasons not to see someone and lack the patience these days. They seem to be out to LOOK for a reason not even entertain a FIRST date.

That's the problem with online dating and social media...the paradox of choice.Too many choices, bigger better deal.

December 17, 2015

That's the problem with online dating and social media...the paradox of choice.Too many choices, bigger better deal.

I agree that is why I don't give my time to newbies online dater. I got my lesson, I meet men that have been single and looking for a good 2-3 years at least. They've been around the block, they've seen everything they've wanted to see, they've experienced and finally they are ready to give their attention to 1 woman.

December 17, 2015

Basically she either likes you or she doesn't and there's nothing you can do to change it

December 17, 2015

It begs the question, when is it acceptable for someone to say "sorry, not interested" when you, yourself, are interested?

Before the first date?

Halfway through the first date?

After first date?

After second date?

After several dates?

After months of dating?

When is a good time to hear "sorry, I'm not interested"?

When your time starts being wasted.

December 17, 2015

When your time starts being wasted.

That's a good answer, and probably explains the timing of the person saying, "sorry, not interested". Another date would be wasting their time, because they aren't interested. Unfortunately, we don't all come to these conclusions at the same time, but the conclusion is inevitable if one isn't interested.

December 17, 2015

Wow, 4 hours?! I would usually think that if a date lasted THAT long, there would be a second. Usually you can gauge whether or not if someone will want to see you again based on this kind of time length. Talk about a twist.

Another way you can tell if a first date is going good , is if she suggested going somewhere AFTER your first meeting place. I once had a woman suggest a boat trip as our first activity. After that, I thought that would be the end of the night. But she said, "Want to go grab drinks?"

I thought that was a sign, "yep, things are going well"

Called her up for a 2nd date...no call back

Yeah its crazy isn't it? She definitely seemed interested about halfway through, perhaps it just went on too long but she kept offering drinks so seemed happy to stay.

I have since learned that as a man you can't judge a date by the woman's actions during it, judge it by her actions between dates- that is the detail that the devil hides in.

Sign In

Question for the women: "Butterflies"?

Recommended Posts

Rejected Rosebud

truth_seeker

Rejected Rosebud

contel3

SwordofFlame

truth_seeker

Oregon_Dude

DrReplyInRhymes

RecentChange

Popsicle

dreamingoftigers

Natalie8

Imajerk17

LookAtThisPOst

insert_name

xxoo

LookAtThisPOst

xxoo

Gaeta

LookAtThisPOst

Gaeta

Revolver

insert_name

xxoo

insert_name

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...