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Question for the women: "Butterflies"?

Oregon_Dude

By Oregon_Dude
in Dating

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Heatherknows Established Member

Heatherknows

Posted
Posted

It's no different than all tge effort women have to put in. To be successful with guys they have to be:

 

Nice

In shape

Know skin/hair/nails/makeup

Fashion

Have something interesting to say

Sexy/sultry

Good in bed

Etc...

 

To be successful with men you have to know a lot more than that...trust me Heatherknows. :cool:

  • Like 1
Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted
Bottom line is you have to excite women you are interested in or get rejected.

 

You *do* have to put in significant effort to do this.

 

It's no different than all tge effort women have to put in. To be successful with guys they have to be:

 

Nice

In shape

Know skin/hair/nails/makeup

Fashion

Have something interesting to say

Sexy/sultry

Good in bed

Etc...

 

There isno difference between the sexes here other than what areas we have to try at and most of these areas are the same for both sexes.

 

I don't understand why so many men are unwilling to put in the effort required to be good at dating.

l can safely say I've never been rejected after a first date. Ever. What i do down the road is a mess... lol... but creating chemistry/butterflies should be something guys are willing to put an effort into.

 

It dramatically increases the number of girls who will want to be with you and will lock in "the one" once you find her.

 

Well worth the trouble.

 

 

 

 

So true.

 

 

If you want a passionate love affair with the infatuation period, you can't just be hapless and unattractive with no zest for looking after yourself.

 

 

Much like Oregon dude wondering " why of why" do women need butterflies... Love weary and I think " why oh why" do people slack off in the physical appearance department and wonder why no one gets excited about dating them?

 

 

All it takes is an average girl with a unique style and who enjoys her sexuality and expressing it in a feminine and not too revealing way.

 

 

You can't be unattractive or plain to the masses, as I was once, and expect to generate great chemistry.

 

 

I went from average to cute/ mildly attractive with a concerted effort and now have plenty of men feeling sparks for me way more than the average woman now. Because I tried.

 

 

Good luck turning a blind eye to the fact that: appearance matters.

 

 

It isn't about being gorgeous to the masses; it is embracing a cool style that is unique to you, and being the best version of yourself.

 

 

It is about appealing to more people; not EVERYONE. The more people who take notice of you, the more chance you have of generating butterflies. Because you simply have more attention.

  • Like 1
Heatherknows Established Member

Heatherknows

Posted
Posted
So true.

 

 

If you want a passionate love affair with the infatuation period, you can't just be hapless and unattractive with no zest for looking after yourself.

 

 

Much like Oregon dude wondering " why of why" do women need butterflies... Love weary and I think " why oh why" do people slack off in the physical appearance department and wonder why no one gets excited about dating them?

 

 

 

Actually, it's not the same for men. I've seen some pretty ugly men with some beautiful women. The men either have money or a lot of charisma (sometimes both) and get any woman they want.

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted

I worked my absolute ass off to become attractive. And I am still not a knock out or even close.

 

 

If you aren't meeting many people who are attracted enough to date you, get off your ass and put some effort in!

 

 

It didn't come easily for me and most women! I paid for braces, stopped emotionally eating and have spent years cultivating a style that suits me!

 

 

As for the OP - he seems like a catch as it is, in many cases people ARE a good catch yet NOT everyone will feel chemistry with you. It is the case for everyone, even people like me who try hard to look attractive.

 

 

There is nothing to worry about there - as there is absolutely nothing more you can do aside from appearance, job, hobbies, expanding your social circle, travelling or volunteering.

 

 

There is only SO much you can do to improve your prospects; there is NOTHING that can be done in order to make EVERYONE feel the required chemistry to warrant dating you.............

  • Like 1
Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted
Actually, it's not the same for men. I've seen some pretty ugly men with some beautiful women. The men either have money or a lot of charisma (sometimes both) and get any woman they want.

 

 

 

ahh. This is because not everyone needs a super model look alike in order to feel a spark.

 

 

I have fallen hard for men who were fat balding and not considered attractive by traditional standards.

 

 

THEN AGAIN - I am NOT considered beautiful by the vast majority, either! And yet MANY men have felt the instant spark with me and found me gorgeous despite my lack of super model good looks!

 

 

Men who are tall with 6 packs and perfect smiles do not appeal to me anymore than chubby bald guys or overly skinny guys with weird teeth.

 

 

It is absolutely charisma and their demeanour that gets me to feel the hots for a new guy for sure.

  • Like 2
Wewon Established Member

Wewon

Posted
Posted
Nothing about attracting girls has changed in the course of human history.

 

It's your fault you aren't attracting them. You are too lazy to make the effort to change yourself to fit what women want.

 

Nothing will change for you until you drop the self righteous BS and realize you're just a male human being like the rest of us.

 

We all were born with some base or foundation and we all had to work very hard to improve ourselves to attract the opposite sex. Women have to do this too. As it is now, it has been since the dawn of time.

 

You can sit here bitching about it, getting nowhere, or you can direct that energy into improving yourself.

 

This is the big misconception.

 

The OP doesn't sound lazy or resistant to change at all, as a matter of fact, the issue most men have with this topic is exactly the opposite.

 

Things like 'butterflies' are a moving target from one woman to the next, sometimes it even changes within a woman depending on circumstances. Terms like this are so vague that even women themselves don't always agree on what they specifically mean. Hence, why different women have different taste in men.

 

The best thing any man can do is not focus on some elusive quality but instead simply make sure that his house is otherwise in order. Not only do men that focus on that feel better about themselves, they also are less likely to feel bitter and manipulated since they are living up to their own standards.

 

As men we shouldn't see each other's frustrations as an opportunity to strut. Everyone is prone to rejection on any given day.

  • Like 5
Redfisher Established Member

Redfisher

Posted
Posted

Interesting thread, Not sure why but the last few girls I dated always let me know had they had butterflies... Whenever I texted something nice I would get a text back "Butterflies" And i'm talking late 30 year olds... I enjoy it.

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted

To clarify:

 

 

I have felt the strongest butterflies for men who were not considered hot.

 

 

I overlooked men on high incomes in favour of men on low income who I felt the passion for. SO not all of us women are after the alpha male with good looks and/or money.

 

 

NOT all women are superficial.

 

 

I do not go for looks and I manage to feel butterflies for men who aren't what women grow up to believe is "hot".

 

 

Although my boyfriend is so hot to me that while I have no idea what other women rate him as, he is not like... a movie star look alike. But in my eyes he is oh so hot.......

  • Like 1
insert_name Established Member

insert_name

Posted
Posted
These so called women get a kick out of making fun of men. I truly believe it's nearly all women who do this but good luck getting them to admit it. Just go to a bar and find a table of women and sit next to it. You'll learn in a hurry how nasty woman can be.

 

Funnily enough I briefly dated a girl to whom I mentioned this article- she admitted that she does a few of the things described, nicknames with girlfriends etc.

Sometimes art is more like reality than life itself.

 

The end result? After a few dates she disappeared never to be seen again. I occasionally wonder what my nickname was...

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted
This is the big misconception.

 

The OP doesn't sound lazy or resistant to change at all, as a matter of fact, the issue most men have with this topic is exactly the opposite.

 

Things like 'butterflies' are a moving target from one woman to the next, sometimes it even changes within a woman depending on circumstances. Terms like this are so vague that even women themselves don't always agree on what they specifically mean. Hence, why different women have different taste in men.

 

The best thing any man can do is not focus on some elusive quality but instead simply make sure that his house is otherwise in order. Not only do men that focus on that feel better about themselves, they also are less likely to feel bitter and manipulated since they are living up to their own standards.

 

As men we shouldn't see each other's frustrations as an opportunity to strut. Everyone is prone to rejection on any given day.

 

 

 

The OP sounds like he doesn't need improvements. It is the bitter and jaded men on this thread who seemingly cannot get girls attention and yet refuse to work on themselves and get an unbiased opinion as to WHERE they could be going wrong. The OP gets girls attention but it doesn't seem to kick off into a relationship. Which happens to us all.

  • Like 1
William Established Member

William

Posted
Posted

Folks, sorry about butchering the thread; it appears our usual hydra, this iteration 'dregs', showed up after the east coast mods headed off to work and made a mess here. About 25 posts were deleted in total. Cleaned the bulk of it up and hopefully things can get back on track. There may be some hanging quotes. Carry on!

  • Like 2
Wewon Established Member

Wewon

Posted
Posted
The OP sounds like he doesn't need improvements. It is the bitter and jaded men on this thread who seemingly cannot get girls attention and yet refuse to work on themselves and get an unbiased opinion as to WHERE they could be going wrong. The OP gets girls attention but it doesn't seem to kick off into a relationship. Which happens to us all.

 

My point was that the OP is frustrated (understandably) by the whole 'butterflies' thing, as a lot of guys are and part of the frustration is that they have usually put in the effort and are still getting hit with a reason that they, nor anyone else can solidly nail down.

 

It does them no good to stress over something like 'chemistry' or 'spark' it won't get them any clarity or feedback to make changes from. The only reason that kind of rejection is better than 'ghosting' is because it at least puts a period at the end of the sentence. Otherwise, it should be treated the same way.

  • Like 1
loveweary11 Established Member

loveweary11

Posted
Posted

This is a disconnect from the thread edit.

 

It was the hydra I was responding to and quoted, not the OP.

 

 

This is the big misconception.

 

The OP doesn't sound lazy or resistant to change at all, as a matter of fact, the issue most men have with this topic is exactly the opposite.

 

Things like 'butterflies' are a moving target from one woman to the next, sometimes it even changes within a woman depending on circumstances. Terms like this are so vague that even women themselves don't always agree on what they specifically mean. Hence, why different women have different taste in men.

 

The best thing any man can do is not focus on some elusive quality but instead simply make sure that his house is otherwise in order. Not only do men that focus on that feel better about themselves, they also are less likely to feel bitter and manipulated since they are living up to their own standards.

 

As men we shouldn't see each other's frustrations as an opportunity to strut. Everyone is prone to rejection on any given day.

Heatherknows Established Member

Heatherknows

Posted
Posted
My point was that the OP is frustrated (understandably) by the whole 'butterflies' thing, as a lot of guys are and part of the frustration is that they have usually put in the effort and are still getting hit with a reason that they, nor anyone else can solidly nail down.

 

It does them no good to stress over something like 'chemistry' or 'spark' it won't get them any clarity or feedback to make changes from. The only reason that kind of rejection is better than 'ghosting' is because it at least puts a period at the end of the sentence. Otherwise, it should be treated the same way.

 

It's very frustrating to want the ones that don't want you. It happens to EVERYONE when dating. That's why dating sucks eggs. At the same time you can up your chances of meeting someone who is right for you.

 

First, you need to be honest with yourself and what you "can" get. I'm in my 40's if I thought I could get a 20 year old professional baseball player now I'd be delusional. The OP needs to ask himself is he on the same playing level as the women he wants? Women will not be passionate about a man they think is "below" them. That's a fact.

  • Like 1
insert_name Established Member

insert_name

Posted
Posted
My point was that the OP is frustrated (understandably) by the whole 'butterflies' thing, as a lot of guys are and part of the frustration is that they have usually put in the effort and are still getting hit with a reason that they, nor anyone else can solidly nail down.

 

It does them no good to stress over something like 'chemistry' or 'spark' it won't get them any clarity or feedback to make changes from. The only reason that kind of rejection is better than 'ghosting' is because it at least puts a period at the end of the sentence. Otherwise, it should be treated the same way.

 

Its best not to give a reason at all really- a man has no way of knowing if it actually is chemistry as opposed to some social faux pas he unwittingly committed and blaming chemistry is an easy way out for the girl.

  • Like 3
Wewon Established Member

Wewon

Posted
Posted
It's very frustrating to want the ones that don't want you. It happens to EVERYONE when dating. That's why dating sucks eggs. At the same time you can up your chances of meeting someone who is right for you.

 

First, you need to be honest with yourself and what you "can" get. I'm in my 40's if I thought I could get a 20 year old professional baseball player now I'd be delusional. The OP needs to ask himself is he on the same playing level as the women he wants? Women will not be passionate about a man they think is "below" them. That's a fact.

 

Fair enough, like I said, he should make sure that his own house is in order up to his standards.

 

But even then, there are posters here that mentioned seeing past looks and dating guys that were short, bald and had funny teeth. Like I said, a moving target.

 

It really does him no good to stress about something that can't be defined. If anything, all of this conceptual dating is more of a burden on the person imposing the standards.

  • Like 2
BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

Posted
Posted

Keep in mind though that sometimes "no spark" is just an excuse. I used it, and it wasn't true. People will not tell you what they didn't like about you exactly, because it would be offensive sometimes.

 

It's easier just to blame something very elusive, such as chemistry or spark and move on, rather than get into an argument with a stranger over what bothered you about his behavior, or maybe ,why not, his looks. It's harder to say "I don't want to see you because you sounded mean spirited". Or "I don't want to see you again because you are too overweight for my taste" etc. Once I didn't see a guy again because he looked at other women blatantly while on a date with me. I told him there was no "connection".

  • Like 2
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

I know for me when I was highly attracted to a guy I would get these spasms in my stomach (I guess you call them butterflies). When I met my husband the spasms were so bad I could hardly stand up straight. When dating, each time I felt these spasms for a guy it ended in a relationship.

  • Like 1
WaitingForBardot Established Member

WaitingForBardot

Posted
Posted
It's very frustrating to want the ones that don't want you. It happens to EVERYONE when dating. That's why dating sucks eggs. At the same time you can up your chances of meeting someone who is right for you.

 

First, you need to be honest with yourself and what you "can" get. I'm in my 40's if I thought I could get a 20 year old professional baseball player now I'd be delusional. The OP needs to ask himself is he on the same playing level as the women he wants? Women will not be passionate about a man they think is "below" them. That's a fact.

This is an actual advantage women seem to have over men in the relationship department. A study I read a number of years ago concluded that women (in general) were far better at properly prioritizing themselves amongst their competition, when compared to men (in general). Mens' reach frequently exceeds their grasp, not because of ego, wishful thinking, whatever, but because they lack this skill that is better developed in women.

 

PS -- I'm not saying this is your problem o_d, as I don't know you or the women you are dating.

  • Like 2
Heatherknows Established Member

Heatherknows

Posted
Posted
This is an actual advantage women seem to have over men in the relationship department. A study I read a number of years ago concluded that women (in general) were far better at properly prioritizing themselves amongst their competition, when compared to men (in general). Mens' reach frequently exceeds their grasp, not because of ego, wishful thinking, whatever, but because they lack this skill that is better developed in women.

 

PS -- I'm not saying this is your problem o_d, as I don't know you or the women you are dating.

 

That's interesting.

Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

Posted
Posted (edited)

Good thread, man. I have a few thoughts on this.

 

1. You already know: People can decide to NOT date whomever they want, for whatever reasons they want. It does seem to cause big issues here. Women have a right to not want to date someone due to not feeling chemistry and attraction. Men have a right to not date someone due to e.g., past sexual history, age, and looks.

 

2. Both men and women go by attraction early on and that isn't "fair". I mean, when we guys decide to write someone on Match, we go primarily by the pictures. Why is that? Do women who are our physical type make more loyal partners? No, it's instead, what's the fun of dating someone if you don't want to have sex with them.

 

3. I think the confusion and pain for a lot of guys on here is that they have heard many many a woman say stuff such as "why can't I just meet a decent guy", and yet these guys, who are decent guys themselves with all this stuff going for them, are STILL being rejected, oftentimes for someone else who has less going for them. That type of rejection actually cuts pretty deep for guys. We wish that these women instead would at least take responsibility for their dating lives (e.g., their pickers) instead of blaming it on their luck or our gender.

 

4. Oftentimes what is really happening is that women ARE meeting plenty of guys, it's just that that almost all of them aren't for her. Especially an attractive woman in her late 20s/early 30s (your dating demographic). Some of the guys she meets she is attracted to but they don't have their acts together, some of them do have their acts together but she isn't attracted to, some of them she is attracted to and have their acts together, but they aren't interested in HER--at least beyond sex. So she is still single. HOWEVER, she still won't settle for a guy whom she isn't attracted to, going by the other men she has met.

 

Which is what I think was going on w your date Oregon Dude. You didn't do anything wrong man.

 

Anyway these are my thoughts on the subject. I agree w @wewon's take on this.

Edited by Imajerk17
  • Like 6
Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
Posted

When I was in my 20s, I always followed "butterflies" no matter how unsuitable a man was. It lead to some disasters and huge waste of time.

 

I now still feel butterflies but if a man has some deal breakers, I just don't date him regardless. If I don't feel the butterflies and I think a man is a good match for me, I give him a chance. This has led to some passionless relationships - where I always felt like something was missing....

 

Having said that, I have never ever felt butterflies during the first OLD meet up. I have been on over 100 first dates. I need some natural interaction for me to feel attracted so OLD always feels so tedious and forced :sick: My decisions on who to see again were always based on 1. Do I feel repulsed? 2. Does he have any major deal breakers?

 

See I am mature :)

Heatherknows Established Member

Heatherknows

Posted
Posted
My decisions on who to see again were always based on 1. Do I feel repulsed?

 

Vomiting uncontrollably is a sure sign there's no chemistry.

  • Like 5
RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

Posted
Posted
Are you in your 30s?

 

I got this younger woman on my mind recently. She was chasing hard, but stopped, and now I'm more interested than before. Not sure if she is playing hard to get or lost interest because I didn't jump when the opportunity was right there for the taking.

 

The Heart vs. The Mind - it can be an intense battle.

 

I am solidly in my 30's, but I was the same way in my early 20's. I am bold, I will make a first move, I'll ask him out etc etc - in other words break all the "rules".

 

That said - reach out to that girl. If I am chasing and stop, likely its because I don't think he is interested (I will chase, but there are limits), or maybe she met someone else etc. But it doesn't hurt to drop you a line. She might be very happy to hear from you.

  • Like 2
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