Question for the women: "Butterflies"?

[truth_seeker]

I don't ever use the term "butterflies" for it, but like others have touched on, its a nervous excitement, a bit of sexual tension.

 

I guess it's shallow, but I want to have it. When it's been there, I have been passionate about him. It's that he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up sort of thing....

 

Random Question: how do you handle a man when he gives you butterflies? You give him your undivided attention? Do you play hard to get? Act like a little school girl, all excited and out of sorts when you see him?

[hippychick3]

Chemistry for me was the feeling that I wanted to kiss the guy...if I could see myself kissing him and liking it, that was chemistry for me.

 

I don't think it's possible to always know in just an hour. Obviously there were dates which took 10 seconds for me to realize there was no chemistry and never would be. But, I had a few dates where that chemistry was felt a few hours into the date. My boyfriend was one of those. We had spoken on the phone before meeting and his voice was incredibly sexy. When I saw him in person, he was a very good looking guy but I wouldn't say I had chemistry with him at first sight. My true attraction to him wasn't until a good 2 hours into our date (first date lasted 6 hours). It was hearing him talk and tell stories that just hooked me in, but I was not hooked in in the first hour. Sometimes, 1 hour is more than enough and sometimes it is not enough.

[losangelena]

I really could care less if I act "perfect" on a date. I don't have time to make sure each little princess is treated exactly to her special needs. Meet up, look your best, be yourself. That's it. There is a connection or there isn't.

 

But get the f*ck outta here with your butterflies. Middle school is over.

 

Keep on endlessly searching for your unicorn, single women.

 

+10 personality plus today, I see.

 

How would you have rather she rejected you? Would ghosting have been preferable? Honest question.

[loveweary11]

I really could care less if I act "perfect" on a date. I don't have time to make sure each little princess is treated exactly to her special needs. Meet up, look your best, be yourself. That's it. There is a connection or there isn't.

 

But get the f*ck outta here with your butterflies. Middle school is over.

 

Keep on endlessly searching for your unicorn, single women.

 

That's an issue, man.

 

If you get that first one to go off well, they get the butterflies, as this one calls it and then you can coast more later...because once they feel those butterflies/chemistry, you have more leeway.

 

It's a game.

 

I guarantee if you turn them on (done on the first date, or sometimes via text or snaps), they'll stick to you no matter what.

 

Kind of like ridiculously hot chicks. How much leeway do we give them due to sexual attraction? Tons. Works the other way too. Once the chemistry is set off, you get tons of leeway and they'll forget about the unicirn hunt.

[mrldii]

...Keep on endlessly searching for your unicorn, single women.

 

 

Don't need a unicorn...got a car that fits in my garage just fine...and not enough room to board an equine.

 

 

But, I - as one of the single women - will keep looking for That One Guy who does make me want to know more...and more...and more about him, each time I learn a little more about him. And, who feels the same way about me...and who does not make me feel like I'm simply the first one who said "Yes, I'd like to go on a date with you" and then actually showed up. And, agreed to see him again.

 

Of course, this means a few will be rejected in the process of knowing more about them...since I just want one. I suppose if I were looking for 10 or 12, I wouldn't be rejecting nearly as many.

 

The good news is, once I find That One, I'll no longer be rejecting anyone.

[anna121]

I really could care less if I act "perfect" on a date. I don't have time to make sure each little princess is treated exactly to her special needs. Meet up, look your best, be yourself. That's it. There is a connection or there isn't.

 

But get the f*ck outta here with your butterflies. Middle school is over.

 

Keep on endlessly searching for your unicorn, single women.

 

Charming.

 

Anyway, the two sentences in bold are contradictory.

 

She's telling you she didn't feel a cxn. That she used the term "butterflies" is totally irrelevant.

 

Sometimes, you just know the guy is not worth more time. That's the way it goes.

[truth_seeker]

Oregon_Dude: I feel for you and your plight with the p-ssy... but, man, I hope you don't own a gun.

[Els]

I personally am a fan of attraction that grows with time - I think it's the best kind. However, I wouldn't be so quick to classify anyone who feels attraction differently as 'immature'.

 

It usually takes days or even weeks for me to fall for someone, because there is a lot that one hour cannot showcase. That being said, while one hour isn't enough for a definite 'yes', it can occasionally be enough for a definite 'no', if there are glaring incompatibilities or something that makes him very unattractive to me. There are guys who can, in 5 minutes, display behaviour that makes me cringe and know for sure that romance with such a person is off the cards. I think that while it's possible that your date is jumping the gun... it's also possible (likely, even, after reading some of your posts down this thread) that she spotted some dealbreakers in you and is just trying to turn you down nicely instead of bombarding you with a list of things that she disliked about you.

[Under The Radar]

I dated a woman this past summer who said she had a stronger connection to me ...... mentally, physically, intellectually ...... than any man she had met in the past 15 years ...... including her ex husband.

 

Flash forward one week and I get a message saying we are not compatible because there is no connection ...... I can't even make this **** up.

 

In fact, I just got a completely random e-mail from her (4 months later) wishing me a Happy Hanukkah - WTF?

 

OLD ...... it's not a job ...... it's an adventure

 

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to spin a dreidel with Santa Clause ...... I'm feeling the chemistry.

[RecentChange]

Random Question: how do you handle a man when he gives you butterflies? You give him your undivided attention? Do you play hard to get? Act like a little school girl, all excited and out of sorts when you see him?

 

I flirt, often aggressively. But I am far from a meek little girl and I try to avoid all the head games.

[truth_seeker]

I flirt, often aggressively. But I am far from a meek little girl and I try to avoid all the head games.

 

Are you in your 30s?

 

I got this younger woman on my mind recently. She was chasing hard, but stopped, and now I'm more interested than before. Not sure if she is playing hard to get or lost interest because I didn't jump when the opportunity was right there for the taking.

 

The Heart vs. The Mind - it can be an intense battle.

[Oregon_Dude]

Nope.

 

You are all assuming I did something wrong. I didn't. I was kind, charming, polite, funny, interesting.

 

But I'm a man, so I must have f*cked up, right?

 

This place is a drag.

[Wewon]

Actually I can understand where the OP is coming from on this and even can see the frustration.

 

The average guy is constantly hearing about the shortage of decent men, man-children, lack of this or too much of that etc. and then here comes a rejection that sounds almost capricious.

 

I find it hard to believe that most women wouldn't need a time to vent after that, at least based on some of the threads that I see on LS.

 

That being said, I hope that the OP doesn't take this kind of thing personally; much like rejection in job interviews, trying too hard to make sense of it will take you nowhere good. You have accept the fact that it is what it is.

[losangelena]

Nope.

 

You are all assuming I did something wrong. I didn't. I was kind, charming, polite, funny, interesting.

 

But I'm a man, so I must have f*cked up, right?

 

This place is a drag.

 

Uhh, ok, no we're not all saying that. And besides, just because she's "not feeling it" doesn't mean you did anything wrong. You're a catch, she just, for reasons that probably have more to do with her than you, doesn't want to continue. I know you've been on dates where, even though things went alright, you didn't feel like seeing the woman again. I don't see how this is any different.

 

We're not all a bunch of man-hating harpies here, mmmkay?

[TheTraveler]

I really could care less if I act "perfect" on a date. I don't have time to make sure each little princess is treated exactly to her special needs. Meet up, look your best, be yourself. That's it. There is a connection or there isn't.

 

But get the f*ck outta here with your butterflies. Middle school is over.

 

Keep on endlessly searching for your unicorn, single women.

 

And she didn't like what you had to offer. She had no connection. She had no butterflies. Move on.

[TunaCat]

As a woman, I feel like the term "butterflies" is VERY juvenile. I have never had butterflies around people I've been attracted to. I think expecting "butterflies" all the time, even at the beginning of a relationship is so unrealistic. It sets unrealistic expectations for the rest of the relationship, however long or short it is.

 

Have I been attracted to people? Yes

 

Have I felt butterflies when looking at them/talking to them? Nope.

 

I just don't think she was into you. I also think she's being unrealistic, but that's just the realist in me.

[Oregon_Dude]

I just don't think she was into you. I also think she's being unrealistic, but that's just the realist in me.

I agree. She wasn't into me. Perhaps her way of saying this, in her attempt to be polite, was to say that she didn't feel "butterflies". Which is a very unrealistic expectation from a first date, anyway.

 

I understand the feeling of butterflies for someone. They usually occur when things are moving along fast; many intimate details are being revealed; and people are getting close to having sex.

 

I definitely had them in my last r/s. Did the r/s last? Hell no. I think people place far too much importance over the erroneous concept of "instant bonding" and extremely intense attraction. IME, and in that of many people I've talked to, men and women, the r/s's that come on really fast burn out just as quickly.

 

The idea that a person is supposed to be swept off their feet by someone else instantaneously is Disney garbage. Unfortunately there are many (mostly women) who still believe this is the basis for a long-lasting connection. Quite the opposite. The much-maligned "players" have learned how to elicit these "butterflies" in women by creating desire, a loss of her control, unpredictability, emotional unavailability.

 

NONE of those things I just mentioned are natural to me, or even traits I necessarily want to have. And check it out ladies - most guys out there are just nice, well-meaning, lonely guys. The percentage of men you are going to have palpable "butterflies" for is pretty low, especially on the first f*cking date.

 

I don't know why we expect so damn much for a first date. My experience over the last four months has been a great date from my end, only to be told there is no "connection". This is often after lots of fun conversation and laughter. If that's not the beginning of a connection, nothing is.

 

Do I sound bitter? I don't really care. I am dating a nice, cool woman who seems to appreciate me and who I look forward to getting to know more. My intention on going on these other dates was to ride the momentum, given my new not-caring state, since I already have this girl pretty much in the bag. However, this obviously backfired, because it was just another girl telling me she didn't like me.

 

The reason for this novel of a post is b/c all day I was typing on my crap phone, so I wasn't really able to say what I wanted to. Wewon hit it right on the head when he mentioned all the women who complain about not being able to find a decent man, while simultaneously rejecting said men. At the risk of sounding like obearkat here, fact is that women pretty much all want the same type of guy, the butterfly guy, the one who checks all the boxes. It isn't enough, for example, that I'm decent-looking, intelligent, musically talented blah blah blah.

 

Enough of this crap and guys just go "f*ck it". I don't have it in me to keep getting shut down by women who frankly aren't half as interesting as me.

 

And yes, plenty of posts here said I must have done something wrong. It's your typical male-blaming behavior that assumes that women are good, men are bad and women must be in the right. Women will always support women, after all, and this board is largely comprised of them.

 

Do women go through similar trials in dating? Of course! But I'm not one, so I can only describe my experience, which I assure you, resonates with many of the men reading it.

 

So in conclusion, I just don't feel butterflies for some of you guys.

 

OD

[Heatherknows]

I agree. She wasn't into me. Perhaps her way of saying this, in her attempt to be polite, was to say that she didn't feel "butterflies". Which is a very unrealistic expectation from a first date, anyway.

 

I understand the feeling of butterflies for someone. They usually occur when things are moving along fast; many intimate details are being revealed; and people are getting close to having sex.

 

 

Yep. It's chemistry at it's finest:

 

You can't wait for the next date.

You cyber stalk them to death.

You send them youtube music videos.

You think about what kinds of stuff would be fun to do together.

 

If you don't have that kind of reaction after a first date then you won't have a passionate relationship which is what most want.

[BluEyeL]

Alright, this one is for the ladies.

 

Just had a fun date. Coffee, stroll, great conversation. Texted her after, expressing my interest in seeing her again. She replied that that would be great, but as friends, since she didn't feel "butterflies".

 

I responded that I wasn't interested in just friendship, and good luck. Story of my dating life, basically.

 

My questions for the women: how do you define butterflies? Is this feeling discernable from a one hour date? Do these elusive insects grow for you after multiple dates? Isn't this kind of discarding a bit immature for a grown woman?

 

Really curious. Not mad.

 

Thanks,

 

OD

Yeah, for me it doesn't really happen at the first date and I do think it's wrong to date based on having or not having "butterflies" at the first date. Butterflies happen for me once I am already somewhat invested in that person. But a lot of women expect that stuff immediately, and thus self-sabotage.

 

To have a woman feel more butterflies through manipulation, act a bit elusive. Use give-withdraw-repeat. But in the end, these are not the right women for you and when the right one comes along, it will all fall into place. Keep dating and it's a matter of time.

[GemmaUK]

I love a good dose of butterflies! Amazing feeling! :

Meeting someone won't go anywhere for me unless I get some butterflies.

[loveweary11]

Bottom line is you have to excite women you are interested in or get rejected.

 

You *do* have to put in significant effort to do this.

 

It's no different than all tge effort women have to put in. To be successful with guys they have to be:

 

Nice

In shape

Know skin/hair/nails/makeup

Fashion

Have something interesting to say

Sexy/sultry

Good in bed

Etc...

 

There isno difference between the sexes here other than what areas we have to try at and most of these areas are the same for both sexes.

 

I don't understand why so many men are unwilling to put in the effort required to be good at dating.

l can safely say I've never been rejected after a first date. Ever. What i do down the road is a mess... lol... but creating chemistry/butterflies should be something guys are willing to put an effort into.

 

It dramatically increases the number of girls who will want to be with you and will lock in "the one" once you find her.

 

Well worth the trouble.

[Leigh 87]

I agree. She wasn't into me. Perhaps her way of saying this, in her attempt to be polite, was to say that she didn't feel "butterflies". Which is a very unrealistic expectation from a first date, anyway.

 

I understand the feeling of butterflies for someone. They usually occur when things are moving along fast; many intimate details are being revealed; and people are getting close to having sex.

 

I definitely had them in my last r/s. Did the r/s last? Hell no. I think people place far too much importance over the erroneous concept of "instant bonding" and extremely intense attraction. IME, and in that of many people I've talked to, men and women, the r/s's that come on really fast burn out just as quickly.

 

The idea that a person is supposed to be swept off their feet by someone else instantaneously is Disney garbage. Unfortunately there are many (mostly women) who still believe this is the basis for a long-lasting connection. Quite the opposite. The much-maligned "players" have learned how to elicit these "butterflies" in women by creating desire, a loss of her control, unpredictability, emotional unavailability.

 

NONE of those things I just mentioned are natural to me, or even traits I necessarily want to have. And check it out ladies - most guys out there are just nice, well-meaning, lonely guys. The percentage of men you are going to have palpable "butterflies" for is pretty low, especially on the first f*cking date.

 

I don't know why we expect so damn much for a first date. My experience over the last four months has been a great date from my end, only to be told there is no "connection". This is often after lots of fun conversation and laughter. If that's not the beginning of a connection, nothing is.

 

Do I sound bitter? I don't really care. I am dating a nice, cool woman who seems to appreciate me and who I look forward to getting to know more. My intention on going on these other dates was to ride the momentum, given my new not-caring state, since I already have this girl pretty much in the bag. However, this obviously backfired, because it was just another girl telling me she didn't like me.

 

The reason for this novel of a post is b/c all day I was typing on my crap phone, so I wasn't really able to say what I wanted to. Wewon hit it right on the head when he mentioned all the women who complain about not being able to find a decent man, while simultaneously rejecting said men. At the risk of sounding like obearkat here, fact is that women pretty much all want the same type of guy, the butterfly guy, the one who checks all the boxes. It isn't enough, for example, that I'm decent-looking, intelligent, musically talented blah blah blah.

 

Enough of this crap and guys just go "f*ck it". I don't have it in me to keep getting shut down by women who frankly aren't half as interesting as me.

 

And yes, plenty of posts here said I must have done something wrong. It's your typical male-blaming behavior that assumes that women are good, men are bad and women must be in the right. Women will always support women, after all, and this board is largely comprised of them.

 

Do women go through similar trials in dating? Of course! But I'm not one, so I can only describe my experience, which I assure you, resonates with many of the men reading it.

 

So in conclusion, I just don't feel butterflies for some of you guys.

 

OD

 

 

 

 

 

umm.

 

 

I am able to feel butterflies for men who aren't jerks, or considered desirable by societies standards.....

 

 

My boyfriend treats me like a princess and is so compatible with me. We both felt the instant spark and butterflies when we first met. The butterflies go away though once you are secure and not anxious that they are into you - and is replaced with intense chemistry.

 

 

That is how it happens for me. Bare in mind, all women are different. I ALWAYS know if I have the capacity to all passionately in love by the second date - if that "spark" isn't evident by the end of date two, I know that I NEVER end up feeling smitten. I can grow to love them deeply but I never go through the infatuation stage; I am never giddy, I am never euphoric. I Never end up falling head over heels if I bypass the butterflies.

 

 

My definition of butterflies is:

 

 

- having an instant spark or something compelling about them that leads to a spark by the second date

- strong chemistry

- strong sexual attraction

- wanting to rip their clothes off at times

- feeling all giddy when they text

- THEY are the ones you want to see texts from! VERSUS men who you like on paper, find attractive yet just don't feel excited to hear from.

- day dreaming about kissing them

- feeling euphoric and giddy at the start

- falling hard for them at a faster than usual pace as opposed to a slow burn where you're not enamoured or infatuated but rather, grow to like them slowly without intensity

- being smitten

- loosing interest in other people immediately because not just anyone gives you the buzz that the butterfly people do

 

 

I need " butterflies" or else I am not able to fall in love.

 

 

Absence of "butterflies" or intense chemistry and that giddy feeling..that connection, makes me skip the falling in love part and grow to love them without the infatuation stage.

 

 

I am open to feeling connections with ANY MAN though. I do not need a "hot" jerky, arrogant bad in order to feel the butterflies!

 

 

And I am not a fool, I know what a guy who won't commit to me looks like and I DO NOT chase the unobtainable jerks. I aim within my league, I know I am not stunning and so do not only look for those physically "hot" men who get all the gorgeous girls and are not likely to fall for me/pick me or even notice me.

 

 

I need to feel intense chemistry and an instant spark or "butterflies" in order to date but I am sensible about it; I also NEVER complained about how there were " no decent guys". I KNEW that finding 10/10 chemistry and the 'spark" AND with a highly compatible man, who ALSO FELT IT mutually for me, was VERY rare indeed.

 

 

I DID NOT sit around wondering where " all the good man" went. I KNEW I was turning down wonderful men because without feeling intense chemistry and a natural spark from the outset, I NEVER grow passionate; yes I can grow attracted and grow to enjoy sex, but I am a passionate person and can't settle for "good" chemistry. I need the magic stuff.

 

 

I know myself well; I would definitely leave a long term partner who I skipped the heady lusty honeymoon stage with, if I met a guy that made my heart race and I had a natural instant connection with (providing we were compatible and he seemed genuine about me).

 

 

So..... Some women actually do you a favour by chasing the relationship that THEY want. I KNOW that if I am not feeling the spark or butterflies by the beginning of date 2, that I will NEVER feel them - I NEVER have despite giving a lot of guys a chance. Where as some women DO grow to feel chemistry over more time and, many women do not NEED butterflies at all, and only need attraction and compatibility.

 

 

I go after what I want. I am not immature for being self aware, and realistically knowing that what I want may be rare, but it beats entering into a relationship in any other way.

 

 

I am happier single than doing it YOUR way - yet I am not calling you immature for being content with dating women you're not enamoured with but merely like a lot and have good attraction towards.

 

 

Calling us butterfly seekers immature for NOT doing things YOUR way is ... immature :/

[Leigh 87]

That is true. Most women date like that, based on first date sexual attraction (what they call chemistry). Not all though.

 

 

 

But smart women manage their expectations and while they enjoy intense chemistry, they actually wait and get to know the guy before determining whether they are compatible.

 

 

I sure learnt my lesson and I NEVER only go for chemistry and overlook issues because the chemistry is great. Compatibility is just as imperative....

[LydiaLong]

There's no point in feeling insulted about it. Some people just don't click. Be thankful that she was honest.

[Wewon]

I just hope that the OP understands that this is one of those things that its not worth getting worked up over.

 

By its very nature "butterflies", "chemistry" or "spark" are arbitrary and changes from woman to woman. That's the frustrating part, because if it was something like a bad haircut, 30 pounds overweight, acne or outdated clothing then you could make a direct effort to change it and see your results. But as it stands, it seems sort of like a blank check to bail while continuing to balk about relationships with no introspection.

 

On the bright side, there is nothing you can do so you may as well not worry about it. You can always do you own sanity check to make sure that you're doing the best that you can for yourself. So long as you make sure that you don't have any blatant issues that need addressing leave people to sort out their own vague requirements.

 

It actually adds nothing to your life or your own dating market value to worry about this.