Question for the women: "Butterflies"?

[Oregon_Dude]

Alright, this one is for the ladies.

 

Just had a fun date. Coffee, stroll, great conversation. Texted her after, expressing my interest in seeing her again. She replied that that would be great, but as friends, since she didn't feel "butterflies".

 

I responded that I wasn't interested in just friendship, and good luck. Story of my dating life, basically.

 

My questions for the women: how do you define butterflies? Is this feeling discernable from a one hour date? Do these elusive insects grow for you after multiple dates? Isn't this kind of discarding a bit immature for a grown woman?

 

Really curious. Not mad.

 

Thanks,

 

OD

[abby_tx]

Butterflies is basically just good chemistry. When I'm attracted to both his personality and looks, there's that feeling of excitement and hope. It's hard to describe the feeling as you sorta just know if there's something there or not. Usually if it's not there on the first date, I don't go on a second date but on one occasion I did do a second date and toward the end of the date he suddenly became attractive to me. Weird how that happened and hasn't happened since.

[Ruby Slippers]

It boils down to physical/sexual desire. Based on your meeting, she didn't feel any desire to have sex with you.

 

Unless you're both seeking a practical arrangement rather than genuine romance and desire, I don't think it's immature not to date a man you have no sexual desire for.

[CarrieT]

My questions for the women: how do you define butterflies?

Sexual desire.

 

Is this feeling discernable from a one hour date?

It is if you are shallow.

 

Do these elusive insects grow for you after multiple dates?

They can if you are patient and get to know someone.

 

Isn't this kind of discarding a bit immature for a grown woman?

Yes. Yes, it is.

[abby_tx]

Also, I think it's great she was honest right off the bat

[Oregon_Dude]

Thanks, ladies. OK, she didn't want to f*ck me. Got it. There is, however, someone who does. Looking forward to seeing HER again.

[SoThatHappened]

OD,

 

Been through this as I'm sure thousands of other guys have.

 

Couldn't tell you if she:

 

- Wasn't attracted to you

- Has "issues"

- Freshly out of a relationship

- May secretly be a lesbian

- May be completely normal and telling the truth

 

I went on multiple dates for 2 weeks with a girl who was completely into me. Then the last date, she said there was "no spark."

 

I will be the first to admit she was right because I was a heartbroken wreck, as you may be as well. People can tell when you're a mess. Have you thought about that aspect?

[newmoon]

you've had butterflies too, right? before you have to give a public speech, or when something super exciting is happening and you're a bit nervous about it beforehand, or when you are about to meet someone you idolize, etc. it's an excitement/nervousness/anticipation... she wasn't feeling any of that about you. you didn't incite excitement, basically. be thankful she was upfront and honest and didn't waste your time:)

[SoThatHappened]

Butterflies is basically just good chemistry. When I'm attracted to both his personality and looks, there's that feeling of excitement and hope. It's hard to describe the feeling as you sorta just know if there's something there or not. Usually if it's not there on the first date, I don't go on a second date but on one occasion I did do a second date and toward the end of the date he suddenly became attractive to me. Weird how that happened and hasn't happened since.

I get it... but why, ladies can't you give some things a little more time?

[Oregon_Dude]

People can tell when you're a mess. Have you thought about that aspect?

I'm actually doing quite well. Charming as hell on this date.

 

Not going to worry about this one; it's her issue. I'm in good shape, on all fronts.

[losangelena]

you've had butterflies too, right? before you have to give a public speech, or when something super exciting is happening and you're a bit nervous about it beforehand, or when you are about to meet someone you idolize, etc. it's an excitement/nervousness/anticipation... she wasn't feeling any of that about you. you didn't incite excitement, basically. be thankful she was upfront and honest and didn't waste your time:)

 

For me there's a difference between sweaty-palmed, I wanna puke nervousness, and that squishy-stomached, buzzed feeling of "butterflies."

 

I will go into a date sometimes feeling the first way, it depends on how the date goes whether or not I end up feeling the second. But I dunno, I wouldn't also call that sexual desire, either. I think of "butterflies" as that giggling, shy kind of feeling you get when a really attractive person smiles or winks or is otherwise charming in your direction. But that doesn't always equate to "lust" or "I want to date you." I personally don't love the butterflies feeling. It makes me feel bashful and like I need to hold back or something. I'd much prefer to feel like myself around a partner.

 

As for however this woman defines it, it obviously means you're in the friendzone, my friend. Doesn't sound like you're super broken up about it, though.

[CarrieT]

I get it... but why, ladies can't you give some things a little more time?

 

Some of us do. Don't pigeon-hole all women into this category.

 

Many guys are exactly the same way. I can't tell you how many meet-and-greet coffee dates I went on where the guy expressed the same sentiment.

[todreaminblue]

ill agree with the feeling of excitement and hope......like ...good nervous.....if i enjoy being in a guys company ill feel this......has nothing to do with sex or physical desire......when i was little and we would go see my grandparents who lived far away.....i would have butterflies....because i loved being with them and that they loved being with me.....its a reciprocated thing for me ...its knowing the other person enjoys being with you as much as you do them.....i felt their excitement when i spoke to my grandparents on the phone preceding our visits...i would have butterflies for weeks waiting to see them.....for me butterflies is about looking forward to seeing and being with someone.....its picturing and invoking their smiles and the hugs and the warmth you feel in their presence...and its a cant wait feeling.....even though you have to wait......its that feeling just before you see them...your heart beats a little faster you feel bouncy and excited like a child......that's butterflies to me and i only have this when i truly love someone......its a rare thing outside of family for me...its almost a non happening if it isnt reciprocated...but this is my version of butterflies....monarchs of butterfly feelings....and i treasure that monarch feeling...sometimes its about feeling emotions from the other person....not just your own...a blend of people who want to be together..who miss each other ...and yes i have those feelings when in a relationship......deb

[mrldii]

Some of us do. Don't pigeon-hole all women into this category...

 

This^^^

 

And, there's women at the other spectrum who - rather than being "immature" - know themselves well enough to know what does and does not work for them.

 

While I wouldn't use the word "butterflies"...yes, if I'm not feeling *it* (a strong desire to know more about this man...which will include sexual curiosity AND additional dates), I'm not gonna learn to feel it, over time.

 

 

Seeeeee? Ya can't pigeon-hole ALL women, OP. Stick to - and respond to - the ones who share - and respond to - your sensibilities, rather than coming up with derogatory labels and decreeing all those who don't operate the way YOU do as *wrong*.

[Buddhist]

My questions for the women: how do you define butterflies? Is this feeling discernable from a one hour date? Do these elusive insects grow for you after multiple dates? Isn't this kind of discarding a bit immature for a grown woman?

 

Yes it sounds immature to be honest. Butterflies are for teenagers, it's an anxiety symptom. So she's basically saying she feels comfortable with you and doesn't want that. One has to wonder why she feels a need to be anxious in a relationship?

 

Next.

[dobielover]

I get it... but why, ladies can't you give some things a little more time?

 

I've only said this when I just know that no amount of time will make it grow. Read between the lines there.

[Oregon_Dude]

So she's basically saying she feels comfortable with you and doesn't want that. One has to wonder why she feels a need to be anxious in a relationship?

Yes, in her text she wrote, and I quote, "You are really easy to talk to. I just don't get the butterflies with you."

 

I am not sure when being someone who's really easy to talk to became a bad thing. If she wasn't attracted, then why go on the date? I'm convinced some women just enjoy rejecting, and are only attracted to people who treat them like sh*t.

 

This one is nuts, f*ck her anyway.

[abby_tx]

Yes, in her text she wrote, and I quote, "You are really easy to talk to. I just don't get the butterflies with you."

 

I am not sure when being someone who's really easy to talk to became a bad thing. If she wasn't attracted, then why go on the date? I'm convinced some women just enjoy rejecting, and are only attracted to people who treat them like sh*t.

 

This one is nuts, f*ck her anyway.

 

I have had several first dates with really nice, easy to talk to guys. The dates were great, but there just wasn't romantic chemistry. That happens. You don't always realize this is how it's going to be until you meet in person. Being attracted to a photo means literally nothing. One of the absolute hardest things about dating is having to reject that really nice guy. I've come out of dates beating myself up over it because I WISHED I had attraction/desire and I just didn't and no amount of dates would have changed it. Don't fault the woman. I think if you went on more dates with women and had to be the one doing the rejecting, you'd have more sympathy for her. Just let it go and move on. Keep dating.

[truth_seeker]

you've had butterflies too, right? before you have to give a public speech, or when something super exciting is happening and you're a bit nervous about it beforehand, or when you are about to meet someone you idolize, etc. it's an excitement/nervousness/anticipation... she wasn't feeling any of that about you. you didn't incite excitement, basically. be thankful she was upfront and honest and didn't waste your time:)

 

If a girl sees me, runs away and hides, does that mean she has butterflies?

[truth_seeker]

Yes, in her text she wrote, and I quote, "You are really easy to talk to. I just don't get the butterflies with you."

 

She felt comfortable with you because there was no sexual tension. When you're not into someone you're carefree, absent of nervousness. When you are into someone, you're a bit jumpy, excited, not really your comfortable self.

[loveweary11]

Yes, in her text she wrote, and I quote, "You are really easy to talk to. I just don't get the butterflies with you."

 

I am not sure when being someone who's really easy to talk to became a bad thing. If she wasn't attracted, then why go on the date? I'm convinced some women just enjoy rejecting, and are only attracted to people who treat them like sh*t.

 

This one is nuts, f*ck her anyway.

 

It isn't. That's the compliment part she included to try to make you feel better.

 

There is a lot going on during the date... a dynamic. The dynamic produces the butterflies/chemisty and everything about you affects this:

 

*venue

*clothing

*physical fitness

*intelligence

*conversation

*scent

*opening doors, etc

*giving her your jacket if cold

 

The list is endless, but every little thing matters. If some of them go wrong, butterflies/chemistry are lost. If fact, each time she feels bad or let down in some way during the date, a tiny piece of the chemistry dies.

[RecentChange]

I don't ever use the term "butterflies" for it, but like others have touched on, its a nervous excitement, a bit of sexual tension.

 

I guess it's shallow, but I want to have it. When it's been there, I have been passionate about him. It's that he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up sort of thing....

 

And I have times when it wasn't there, but I got along wonderfully with him, could talk for hours, and found his company enjoyable. That certain *spark* wasn't there though, and I felt like I was trying to trick myself into believing it was. So my emotions never followed my brain, who was saying "this is right". Felt like a hallow charade.

 

So, if its not there, I am hesitant to take time to try to make it appear.

[oregon0011]

Yes, in her text she wrote, and I quote, "You are really easy to talk to. I just don't get the butterflies with you."

 

I am not sure when being someone who's really easy to talk to became a bad thing. If she wasn't attracted, then why go on the date? I'm convinced some women just enjoy rejecting, and are only attracted to people who treat them like sh*t.

 

This one is nuts, f*ck her anyway.

 

Its even worse when the woman tells you she has constant butterflies, and is falling in love with you, but just doesn't want a relationship.. Either way its rejection..

[truth_seeker]

I have had several first dates with really nice, easy to talk to guys. The dates were great, but there just wasn't romantic chemistry. That happens. You don't always realize this is how it's going to be until you meet in person. Being attracted to a photo means literally nothing. One of the absolute hardest things about dating is having to reject that really nice guy. I've come out of dates beating myself up over it because I WISHED I had attraction/desire and I just didn't and no amount of dates would have changed it. Don't fault the woman. I think if you went on more dates with women and had to be the one doing the rejecting, you'd have more sympathy for her. Just let it go and move on. Keep dating.

 

It does go both ways. Just a sh-tty part of dating.

[Oregon_Dude]

The list is endless, but every little thing matters. If some of them go wrong, butterflies/chemistry are lost. If fact, each time she feels bad or let down in some way during the date, a tiny piece of the chemistry dies.

I really could care less if I act "perfect" on a date. I don't have time to make sure each little princess is treated exactly to her special needs. Meet up, look your best, be yourself. That's it. There is a connection or there isn't.

 

But get the f*ck outta here with your butterflies. Middle school is over.

 

Keep on endlessly searching for your unicorn, single women.