What would you do with this guy?

[Qboro90]

Qboro, I am getting the sense you are asking BK to compromise her values, her needs..twisting herself into a pretzel to accommodate "his" multi-dating style...or overlooking the fact he may not be all that into her.

 

I am a woman, and trust me, whenever a man has been into me, he does not act the way this guy is acting.

 

She is right to be self-protective here ...it is HER heart on the line. Not yours, not mine, but hers.

 

She is miserable dating this guy, anxious and insecure. His dating style or the fact he may not be that into her is causing her a lot of inner turmoil.

 

Maybe she would be this way with any guy, but as she said, and I concur, it's those little things a man does that show us he cares that make all the difference.

 

Like a quick text or call between dates, confirming the date at a reasonable hour, not 30 minutes before the date, not hopping back on line immediately after the date is over (geez)....letting her know he is interested and would like to see her again....these are all things men do when they care. Again, my experience and many other women I know.

 

No one should be miserable and anxious this early on. She needs to move on. Not twist herself around to accommodate HIS needs!

 

BK stay true to yourself and just move on.

 

 

No that's not what I'm saying to her. Admittingly I'm playing devils advocate for the doctor just to show her that there are possibilities she's not considering to express the fact that they don't know one another well enough yet to make such pre determined conclusions.

 

My feeling is that OP isn't aware of what her values and needs are and how to convey that and look for that in a guy. This doctor could be Prince Charming and the one for all she knows at this point. He might be a total scumbag too but I've not seen anything to tell me that he is one or the other. He's nice, wants to show her a good time, initiative... That's all you can really ask for at this point in my male perspective.

 

She's saying that she's showing him she likes him by how shes acting on their dates. She thinks that. But he most likely seeing it completely differently and knows something's off.

[Qboro90]

Very true. My gut is telling me that this guy is just not that into me, and he's looking for other options online. I'm proud of myself I didn't initiate with him even once and that I haven't had sex with him.

 

The reason I'm so hurt is because I was expecting him to show some more interest, a text or whatever, but I only felt rejection. Once more. Indirect rejection, but rejection after all.

 

I will turn him down in the event he contacts me again with another of his great dates. Moreover, I will ignore his first text. IF he texts me after that, I either ignore him again (depending on what his text is about) or politely say to him that I'm really busy. end of the story.

 

I'm not comfortable not having the power in this relationship. I don't like not to be in control. and you know what?

 

If he's not that into me, or if I'm not his first option: IT"S HIS LOSS

 

 

You'll ignore his first text? If you're expecting this guy to jump through hoops to win you over then ignore all his texts because he'll never be able to unless he confesses his love for you at first sight and how he's been a mess every day because he doesn't hear from you and he didn't want to come off as pushy if he kept asking you out. I feel like that would be the only thing that would get her to relax

[katiegrl]

No that's not what I'm saying to her. Admittingly I'm playing devils advocate for the doctor just to show her that there are possibilities she's not considering to express the fact that they don't know one another well enough yet to make such pre determined conclusions.

 

My feeling is that OP isn't aware of what her values and needs are and how to convey that and look for that in a guy. This doctor could be Prince Charming and the one for all she knows at this point. He might be a total scumbag too but I've not seen anything to tell me that he is one or the other. He's nice, wants to show her a good time, initiative... That's all you can really ask for at this point in my male perspective.

 

She's saying that she's showing him she likes him by how shes acting on their dates. She thinks that. But he most likely seeing it completely differently and knows something's off.

 

Fair enough...however don't underestimate a woman's *intuition* re how a man feels, or whether or not he's into her.

 

Sometimes we just "know" ...we can feel it. At least I can...I am extremely perceptive about stuff like that.

 

BK is *sensing" he is not into her....this is her *gut* talking.

 

IMO she needs to listen to it! Our gut feelings are usually right on.

 

Problem is too many women ignore their gut feelings, accepting crumbs, and end up with their hearts broken.

 

And yes IMO this guy is tossing her crumbs. He has money, so takes her out to expensive restaurants.. big whoop.

 

He may simply enjoy fine dining himself, and she is a placeholder.

 

He is certainly not doing much of anything else to indicate interest IMO.

 

We can agree to disagree though....I am okay with that.

Edited December 12, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

You'll ignore his first text? If you're expecting this guy to jump through hoops to win you over then ignore all his texts because he'll never be able to unless he confesses his love for you at first sight and how he's been a mess every day because he doesn't hear from you and he didn't want to come off as pushy if he kept asking you out. I feel like that would be the only thing that would get her to relax

 

^^This I agree with! :)

 

BK, stop! Just stop. You play too many games, too many shyt tests, you refuse to be open and honest.....please....stop dating and work on getting your own shyt together.... this is ridiculous.

[winny]

So much investment and feelings for one guy you met online and went on 3 dates with... This thread is too much.

 

LOL I know!! You need to chill OP...

[winny]

Very true. My gut is telling me that this guy is just not that into me, and he's looking for other options online. I'm proud of myself I didn't initiate with him even once and that I haven't had sex with him.

 

The reason I'm so hurt is because I was expecting him to show some more interest, a text or whatever, but I only felt rejection. Once more. Indirect rejection, but rejection after all.

 

I will turn him down in the event he contacts me again with another of his great dates. Moreover, I will ignore his first text. IF he texts me after that, I either ignore him again (depending on what his text is about) or politely say to him that I'm really busy. end of the story.

 

I'm not comfortable not having the power in this relationship. I don't like not to be in control. and you know what?

 

If he's not that into me, or if I'm not his first option: IT"S HIS LOSS

 

Wow you have a LOT of baggage and emotional issues you need to work on. I dont think the guy has lost anything. You need to work on yourself before you date again. I am sorry for being blunt but you do not come across as a stable person to me.

[losangelena]

this is a good question. I didn't tell him how I felt because my exact thoughts at that time were: "Yes, me too I'm enjoying the moment, but I feel like you're not that interested and I was wondering why on earth you keep inviting me to these lovely dates, making me think you're in fact into me, but at the end your actions probe otherwise. Are you playing with me? Are you just bored?"

 

And since those thoughts are not appropriate (unless I want the guy to run away and never see him again) I just said: "Me too"

 

Yeah, but if you're not planning to go out with him again, why do you care if you say something that makes him run away? Can you see how you're contradicting yourself?

[brokengirl85]

Guys, I'll take some time to think and I'll see what I will do in the event he contacts me again.

 

Yes, I have baggage. Too much. And I thought going out again will free me from still being hung up on ex. Looks like im not ready.

[EricaH329]

 

BK is *sensing" he is not into her....this is her *gut* talking.

 

 

Or her anxiety. There's a fine line between the two.

 

And speaking of anxiety and insecurities - the both of them (especially together) can distort reality. While she may feel that she was acting normal on a date, to an outsider it may seem totally different.

 

It really comes down to the facts. And the facts are that he has reached out to her several times, planned dates with her, and paid. I can't imagine someone going through all that trouble if they didn't have an interest in the person.

 

Playing devils advocate here, imagine if the roles were reversed, and HE was the one posting about a date he went on with this girl. He could possibly be saying things like, "I can't tell if she likes me", "She seems anxious during our dates", "She never reaches out and texts me", and "I've always been the one to initiate the idea of going on another date". If that's the case, we'd be giving him all sorts of advice telling him to move on, that she doesn't seem interested, and/or she's playing hard to get.

 

All of that said, the only real issue I see with this 'relationship' is that she doesn't like to multi-date, while he may. Clarifying this through communication would have been her best bet, but I think at this point it's best to just let this one be. Learn from it and move on.

 

I agree with the OP and think that she needs a break from dating. She needs time, alone with no distractions, to reflect on some of her insecurities.

[StBreton]

Guys, I'll take some time to think and I'll see what I will do in the event he contacts me again.

 

Yes, I have baggage. Too much. And I thought going out again will free me from still being hung up on ex. Looks like im not ready.

 

 

BG...I've been holding off posting again and just watching. Your baggage I think is your fear of being alone. Are you really hung up on ex or just afraid of being alone?

 

I think you have dating wuss behavior. What is that? A girl that's desperate, a girl who's sure she's not good enough, a girl that sacrifices what she wants for a guy in an attempt to curry favor, a girl that's indecisive (except about not initiating contact;)) and apologetic, a girl that doesn't have any steel in her personality.

 

I think you're not in the "meh" frame of mind...you've put this guy on a pedestal and besides being a doctor, what else has he got? If he hasn't got what you're looking for, walk away. Personally I'd knock him off the pedestal in effigy and have a more "meh" attitude. That way you go about your merry way and if he calls, great, if not, whatever...his loss.

 

Took me a while post divorce to get to just this point...It's not that I was hanging onto my ex...it's that I was truly afraid of being alone...I have basically been dating guys and in a relationship since I was 16! Now I'm like "meh" ... and if a great guy comes along, he'll have to be doing a lot for me to take notice ... and it has nothing to do with their profession or status but what kind of heart he has...and if he's relationship material. I've got a LOT of experience with that lol so I know it when I feel it and see it.

 

Where are you at on the "meh" scale?

[brokengirl85]

BG...I've been holding off posting again and just watching. Your baggage I think is your fear of being alone. Are you really hung up on ex or just afraid of being alone?

 

I think you have dating wuss behavior. What is that? A girl that's desperate, a girl who's sure she's not good enough, a girl that sacrifices what she wants for a guy in an attempt to curry favor, a girl that's indecisive (except about not initiating contact;)) and apologetic, a girl that doesn't have any steel in her personality.

 

I think you're not in the "meh" frame of mind...you've put this guy on a pedestal and besides being a doctor, what else has he got? If he hasn't got what you're looking for, walk away. Personally I'd knock him off the pedestal in effigy and have a more "meh" attitude. That way you go about your merry way and if he calls, great, if not, whatever...his loss.

 

Took me a while post divorce to get to just this point...It's not that I was hanging onto my ex...it's that I was truly afraid of being alone...I have basically been dating guys and in a relationship since I was 16! Now I'm like "meh" ... and if a great guy comes along, he'll have to be doing a lot for me to take notice ... and it has nothing to do with their profession or status but what kind of heart he has...and if he's relationship material. I've got a LOT of experience with that lol so I know it when I feel it and see it.

 

Where are you at on the "meh" scale?

 

 

I'm not even in the scale. I need to take a vacacion from dating.

Specially since I'm missing him quite a lot today and I think I'm becoming attached already ( and there was not even sex involved. I just can't imagine if I have had sex omg)

[StBreton]

I'm not even in the scale. I need to take a vacacion from dating.

Specially since I'm missing him quite a lot today and I think I'm becoming attached already ( and there was not even sex involved. I just can't imagine if I have had sex omg)

 

Meh scale

10...I don't give him a second thought...he could walk away and I could care less...he's a great guy but more fish in the sea... that guy from Starbucks last week...yummy

 

1...I'm missing him so much after 3 dates...I've placed him on a pedestal. I'm attached and no sex involved...I just can't imagine if I had had sex omg.

 

BG...you're a 1 actually...even if you've taken yourself off the dating market. You need to work up to a solid 10.

[brokengirl85]

Meh scale

10...I don't give him a second thought...he could walk away and I could care less...he's a great guy but more fish in the sea... that guy from Starbucks last week...yummy

 

1...I'm missing him so much after 3 dates...I've placed him on a pedestal. I'm attached and no sex involved...I just can't imagine if I had had sex omg.

 

BG...you're a 1 actually...even if you've taken yourself off the dating market. You need to work up to a solid 10.

 

I'll try to work on that. I honestly have much going on into my life right now, I just can't waste anymore time thinking all the possibilities.

 

I like him and and miss him today. I'll try to work hard to a 10 scale

[Vyliss]

I suggest BG that you do some introspection and work on yourself. I used to be a bit like you until I worked out that the reason I wasn't in a relationship was that I was scared of intimacy.

 

Scared to open up, scared to be direct about what I wanted, scared to be rejected and hurt.

 

But the things worth having in life will not come easily. You have to face your fears and do what's hard even if you don't want to and it WILL be uncomfortable. But personally I'd rather do that and try at a chance to find love than remain single, afraid and alone for the rest of my life.

 

Once you know you can face rejection/getting hurt and have faith you can stand right back up again, dating become much more rewarding. You'll start to evaluate and dismiss the wrong guys quickly. You'll ask the tough/scary questions to open the lines of communication. Most importantly, you'll be able to recognize that when you do get scared, that it doesn't mean he's going to hurt you, it just means the relationship is moving towards intimacy and that's the only reason all of your insecure habits come out.

 

I suggest you take dating slowly and like the poster above said, be more neutral about guys in the beginning, especially the ones you have strong chemistry with. When the right guy comes along you will know it feels different. He won't go days without communication, and you won't worry as much, he'll make sure it's clear he's into you.

[Kamille]

I'm not even in the scale. I need to take a vacacion from dating.

Specially since I'm missing him quite a lot today and I think I'm becoming attached already ( and there was not even sex involved. I just can't imagine if I have had sex omg)

 

You miss him because you're catastrophising and thinking in terms of all or nothing when it comes to him.

 

Three dates and you've already decided to "end things" with him at least twice that I've read. You're creating your own emotional roller coaster with this guy.

 

If you had it in you to just let things evolve how they may, you wouldn't need to end things in your own head so often. And his actions (texting, not texting, being online, inviting you, etc.) wouldn't have such a strong hold on you.

 

The "anxiety frame" with which you're approaching this relationship is magnifying everything, the good and the bad.

 

What do you do when you want to relax? Do you go work out? Do you call up friends and go have a good time? Do you draw? Whatever that is, do it. You need to find your balance.

[brokengirl85]

You miss him because you're catastrophising and thinking in terms of all or nothing when it comes to him.

 

Three dates and you've already decided to "end things" with him at least twice that I've read. You're creating your own emotional roller coaster with this guy.

 

If you had it in you to just let things evolve how they may, you wouldn't need to end things in your own head so often. And his actions (texting, not texting, being online, inviting you, etc.) wouldn't have such a strong hold on you.

 

The "anxiety frame" with which you're approaching this relationship is magnifying everything, the good and the bad.

 

What do you do when you want to relax? Do you go work out? Do you call up friends and go have a good time? Do you draw? Whatever that is, do it. You need to find your balance.

 

I'm at Starbucks right now, trying to finish some work. This is my way of relax and focus in other things.

 

I was just thinking how anxiety played a terrible role in my previous relationship. He was a player and I got really hurt, because i insisted and insisted with that relationship, thinking some day he'll love me. That day never came, but I stopped contacting him one day and he never contacted me back. Never again. So at that point I came to the conclusion he didn't care at all, so I moved on.

 

Right now it's like I'm reliving that past situation over and over. Yesterday night I was driving home and I couldn't stop crying. I cried for a good half an hour. In part, because I still miss my ex, and in part because I left the date feeling as insecure as at the beginning of it.

 

I honestly think I'm broken at this point. I'd like to have sex with this new guy and relax, but something is not quite right in the whole situation. I just don't want to get hurt again. It was really bad.

[winny]

I just don't want to get hurt again.

 

While I understand where you come from... you will be ready to date again when instead of the above you can say:

 

"I know I might get hurt again but I am strong enough to bounce back if that happens."

[StBreton]

While I understand where you come from... you will be ready to date again when instead of the above you can say:

 

"I know I might get hurt again but I am strong enough to bounce back if that happens."

 

Exactly ^^^ Meh score of 10

[brokengirl85]

But I'm not at that point right now. In fact, I don't know if I'll ever be. In all my previous relationships, I got attached very early on. It's a characteristic of mine, that I'm not sure I could change sometime.

 

It was important for me to start dating again, so I could move on from this ex. But it's causing too much distress already, and I didn't even have sex. The guy who's going to be with me will have to be very patient and comprehensive because I'm very fragile lately. At least, that's how I feel today.

[winny]

And OP I just wanna give you a hug and tell you that it's okay. We all get hurt and most of the people you see here commenting including me.. we have been in similar situations. You are not alone. You have to get that strength which is somewhere inside you.. outside.. and become the amazing fearless woman that you actually are. And never ever call yourself broken or anything negative.

No guy is worth your tears... work on yourself.. your self esteem and confidence and become stronger and happier and then go conquer the dating world. Best of Luck!!

[Kamille]

I also want to give you a big hug.

 

You're not broken. You've had negative experiences. And it might not feel like it right now, but you're learning from them.

 

I feel that a lot of this can be under your control. It's about nurturing yourself, knowing that you have your own back. You're allowed to make mistakes - we all make them. Because you learn from them and have empathy for yourself, you can always rely on yourself.

 

And it's also knowing the difference between what you can do to help yourself (working at Starbucks wouldn't be what I would choose but hey, if it works for you do it!) and what is outside your control (trying to figure out how to play your cards so that a man is into you, for instance).

[brokengirl85]

Thank you for the hugs, they're much needed

 

Im mostly sad right now. I can't date many people at the same time, I don't think I'll ever can.

 

But I'm sad because I like him, even though some red flags, I felt excited with him, I liked our dates, I liked the surprises...

Now, what I did not like about him: the look of disapproval sometimes, that he never told me how cute I am, some silences, the way I felt with him, how insecure I felt, and overall his poor communication between dates (I can blame myself for this too!)... I could have worked all these though

 

I really thought it was a great date. And yes, I'd have loved if he'd fallen in love with me or at least, liked me enough to propose a fourth date before I left or stopped being that active online.

[Snakechammah]

Hey BG, please remember, when one door closes, another one opens!

 

Don't be sad over one measly dude. He's so replaceable! "to the left, to the left!"

 

There's so many guys out there. Don't based your attractiveness or self-esteem on ANY guy - ex or future. You have to be happy within.

 

Stop thinking about this date. If he contacts again, GO OUT with him and give it another chance. But this time, change your mindset. Go to the date being POSITIVE. None of this i'm-so-sad-nobody-loves-me baggage.

 

And if he doesn't, so what? Do things that makes YOU happy.. and if you feel you're ready to date again, some guys will naturally fall into your lap (be it OLD, work, grocery store, video store, etc) and you can start the whole dating process again.

 

Dating should be fun and enjoyable - the moment you stress about it, you need to search within and find out what exactly ABOUT you is making YOU unhappy.

 

Do not put your happiness in other people's hands. They are not worth it. Chin up, sweetie, be thankful for all that you are, you are what you think. So THINK POSITIVE!

[brokengirl85]

Good morning,

 

Last night he sent me a quick text letting me know how your night was. I replied, and that was all.

 

there's someone else who initiates contact repeteadly. It's another doctor, an anesthesiologist I met three months ago but he still sends me a text every two or three days. I do have something with doctors! Or it's maybe this dating site, that has a majority of doctors, I don't know.

Thing is, texting to this guy is making me feel better. I could tell he's interested.

 

It's different from doctor number 1, that I don't really know what's going on.

Yesterday I was too emotional, I'm so glad I have this forum to write. My head is clear today.

[katiegrl]

Good morning,

 

Last night he sent me a quick text letting me know how your night was. I replied, and that was all.

 

there's someone else who initiates contact repeteadly. It's another doctor, an anesthesiologist I met three months ago but he still sends me a text every two or three days. I do have something with doctors! Or it's maybe this dating site, that has a majority of doctors, I don't know.

Thing is, texting to this guy is making me feel better. I could tell he's interested.

 

It's different from doctor number 1, that I don't really know what's going on.

Yesterday I was too emotional,

 

 

 

***I'm so glad I have this forum to write. My head is clear today***.

 

^^ Your *clear* head has nothing to do with this forum. If you had NOT heard from him, your head would still be messed up, miserable, depressed. At least be honest about that.

 

Qboro was absolutely right! Now that you have heard from him, all the negative has miraculously disappeared and you're feeling positive again!

 

This is very dangerous not to mention unhealthy! It is like your very existence is dependant upon whether or not some guy you barely know is giving you attention!

 

Yesterday, you did not hear from him, and you deemed him a complete jerk, were pissed, ready to next him.

 

Today, after he sent you a short essentially meaningless text wherein he did not even express a desire to see you again, nor did he wish to exert any more energy other than asking how your night was (scraps IMO)....you have a *clear* head and are back to feeling good again?

 

And what makes you so sure he IS interested? I am not seeing it.

 

He did his *duty* after your date and sent you a quick, essentially meaningless text. He may be interested in something, but clearly it is not developing a relationship with you.

 

Men who DO want to develop a relationship with you would not be sending you these scraps basically check-in in.

 

They want to engage with you, they want to spend time with you, other than fancy dinners ...after which they drive to a motel on the third date for godonlyknows what. Without ever even discussing it with you prior.

 

Could he be any more presumptuous? Jesus.

 

Sorry this was harsh, but imo you really need to stop dating him....stop dating anyone, and seek professional help....

Edited December 13, 2015 by katiegrl