What would you do with this guy?

[brokengirl85]

Well if the guy is that restless, seems he can't wait. Doesn't bode well...who else do you have in the pipeline?

 

No one :/ I'm too busy to invest in more fan one guy at a time.

 

But crap, honestly. I was saying goodbye and he was going online on okcupid. What a douche.

 

Well, I'm glad I'm not that invested and I'm glad I didn't have sex with him. I totally get it if I'm not his type, but hate when guys are so murky

[brokengirl85]

I just deleted his number. I should have blocked him but oh well. Now j can't because I don't remember it.

I hide him on okcupid as well. He's talking to someone else. I don't really care. I'm taking vacations from online dating. They're all players.

[StBreton]

I just deleted his number. I should have blocked him but oh well. Now j can't because I don't remember it.

I hide him on okcupid as well. He's talking to someone else. I don't really care. I'm taking vacations from online dating. They're all players.

 

BG...you've been very honorable with regard to this guy...it's a shame he hasn't reciprocated...his loss. A guy who's that restless though will not likely find happiness with anyone for a while...if ever. I think waiting around for him will cause you heartache. You made a good decision to put him on the back back burner...and glad you've got some fun activities coming up to look forward to. Cheers:)

[Snakechammah]

BG, you are adorable - I enjoyed reading your posts.

 

I hope you find a good guy and update us when you do ok?

[SandraTempleton]

From everything you wrote it doesn't even sound like this guy had a chance to begin with. Forgive me for my blunt honesty but it sounds like you had one foot out of the door the whole time just waiting for him to make one wrong move so you could cut your losses. Maybe you decided early on that he was out of your league or something?

 

When I read your first post you focused on how attractive he is to you physically and how he is a doctor. You complain a lot about seeing him still on the OLD site yet wouldn't you have to be on the site as well to see he's logged in? Maybe he thought you were dating/still keeping your options open as well. I find it strange that you weren't willing to text him first and confirm that you guys were still meeting tonight. What would be the worst possible outcome? He doesn't respond to your text but even then you have your answer about how he feels.

[Qboro90]

Goodness gracious..... You have NO idea what he's actually doing online. Stop looking. It serves you no purpose and in no way gives you a clear picture of what he's doing, thinking, or what his intentions are. Maybe when he opens his browser his OLD is saved in his favorites tab and appears as logged in when he's not even looking at it whatsoever.

 

You're not capable of dating right now. Not saying that in a mean way, you're just not mentally, emotionally prepared to do so. Look at the fact that you hadn't even spoken to him all week and needed to ask for advice here on what to do about the date because he hadn't confirmed yet. Um, simple.. You send him a text and say "still on for tonight?" .... End of dilemma.

 

The fact that you can't process such a minuscule little step is alarMing.

 

What did we discuss before the date? Making sure you didn't get too high or too low as a result of the date or interactions you had going forward. What did you do?.... Decided to block his number and move on from him because.... Why exactly?

 

You were confused by the fact that he didn't ask or push for sex? You didn't want to have sex anyways... What's the problem? You wanted him to push for it so that you could tell him your pre prepared reason for saying no?

Such a peculiar way to think and look at it. Every date shouldn't result in so many questions and confusion .

[Kamille]

People multi-date. Until such a time as he decides to be exclusive with anyone, he's allowed to keep his options opened, as are you (and you should be keeping your options opened).

 

This makes it so knowing he's active on the site is useless information for you. All it does is make you anxious. All it does is ensure that you're knocking your own self out of the running of anything serious developing with this guy.

 

You psyched yourself out by checking his activity on the dating site.

 

Being happy at dating involves learning to manage your anxiety. If you know something will raise your anxiety, avoid doing it.

 

Note: he likely received messages while on the date and decided to read them. I've done that. So what?

[brokengirl85]

Goodness gracious..... You have NO idea what he's actually doing online. Stop looking. It serves you no purpose and in no way gives you a clear picture of what he's doing, thinking, or what his intentions are. Maybe when he opens his browser his OLD is saved in his favorites tab and appears as logged in when he's not even looking at it whatsoever.

 

You're not capable of dating right now. Not saying that in a mean way, you're just not mentally, emotionally prepared to do so. Look at the fact that you hadn't even spoken to him all week and needed to ask for advice here on what to do about the date because he hadn't confirmed yet. Um, simple.. You send him a text and say "still on for tonight?" .... End of dilemma.

 

The fact that you can't process such a minuscule little step is alarMing.

 

What did we discuss before the date? Making sure you didn't get too high or too low as a result of the date or interactions you had going forward. What did you do?.... Decided to block his number and move on from him because.... Why exactly?

 

You were confused by the fact that he didn't ask or push for sex? You didn't want to have sex anyways... What's the problem? You wanted him to push for it so that you could tell him your pre prepared reason for saying no?

Such a peculiar way to think and look at it. Every date shouldn't result in so many questions and confusion .

 

I'm confused by the fact it's been three dates, I still don't know about his intentions, he's online talking to others and his communication is scarce. Based on this, anxiety rises.

I haven't blocked him, just deleted our texts. I have no way to text him now.

[brokengirl85]

People multi-date. Until such a time as he decides to be exclusive with anyone, he's allowed to keep his options opened, as are you (and you should be keeping your options opened).

 

This makes it so knowing he's active on the site is useless information for you. All it does is make you anxious. All it does is ensure that you're knocking your own self out of the running of anything serious developing with this guy.

 

You psyched yourself out by checking his activity on the dating site.

 

Being happy at dating involves learning to manage your anxiety. If you know something will raise your anxiety, avoid doing it.

 

Note: he likely received messages while on the date and decided to read them. I've done that. So what?

 

I've hide him so I won't be able to look for him anymore. Unless I un hide him.

I'm pissed! He couldn't even wait 10 minutes. I feel infuriated.

I had one hour drive and he didn't text me to see if I got home safe. Those are parameters I need from a guy in dating.

 

However, I'm very clueless. He was happy to see me. It was obvious. He looked super happy. Conversation flowed better than second date, I felt more secure.

 

At one point, though, when he was driving to the beach, I started to feel tired. I wanted to sleep, it was late and I really wanted to go home. I didn't tell him so.

 

Kisses and more kisses in the car. I didn't allow him to touch me too much. But it was ok. I don't see anything that might have gone horrible wrong this time. I was calm and confident, just a little tired, but nothing that gave him a terrible impression of me. I mean, he already knows who I am, it's not a first date.

 

 

im pissed because I should know by now what his intentions are but I have no clue. Alright all this anxiety is making no good and I need to focus in other things

[insert_name]

I empathise OP, I recognise a lot of myself in you and your experience sounds a lot like a girl I recently dated. A number of great dates, physical intimacy, but I could see she was still talking to others on a dating app and like this guy she would rarely talk to me between dates. Seems to be classic multi dater behaviour, what happens in their company is almost irrelevant and has no bearing on what they feel. You can gauge 'where they are at' by where their mind is when you are apart.

 

I don't like multi-dating and don't, I don't stop the people I date from doing so as we are not together...but you really have to have a bulletproof mind set to get involved in that situation which I don't think I have and neither donl you from the sound of it. Plus I don't want to compete for someones attention. It really sucks especially when you feel like you are making a connection with this person yet all they give you is just enough to keep you on the hook while they pursue their no.1.

 

I think you have been a bit over dramatic about it all (wanting him to ask you for sex so you could reject him?!) but you have ultimately done the right thing by deleting his number and going dark. With multi daters there comes a time when you have to try and force their hand and see if they miss you enough to come to you and show their interest. If he gets in contact again you should make the venue of the next date close to you so he has to put some effort in to get there.

[brokengirl85]

I empathise OP, I recognise a lot of myself in you and your experience sounds a lot like a girl I recently dated. A number of great dates, physical intimacy, but I could see she was still talking to others on a dating app and like this guy she would rarely talk to me between dates. Seems to be classic multi dater behaviour, what happens in their company is almost irrelevant and has no bearing on what they feel. You can gauge 'where they are at' by where their mind is when you are apart.

 

I don't like multi-dating and don't, I don't stop the people I date from doing so as we are not together...but you really have to have a bulletproof mind set to get involved in that situation which I don't think I have and neither donl you from the sound of it. Plus I don't want to compete for someones attention. It really sucks especially when you feel like you are making a connection with this person yet all they give you is just enough to keep you on the hook while they pursue their no.1.

 

I think you have been a bit over dramatic about it all (wanting him to ask you for sex so you could reject him?!) but you have ultimately done the right thing by deleting his number and going dark. With multi daters there comes a time when you have to try and force their hand and see if they miss you enough to come to you and show their interest. If he gets in contact again you should make the venue of the next date close to you so he has to put some effort in to get there.

 

 

Well, if im competing with number one, I gladly move onto someone that will think I'm his number one. I will never put myself in a situation to have to compete for a mans attention. She, or they, whoever they are, can have him all.

 

As for me, I'll never initiate with a man I'm not sure about his intentions. I'm not desperate. He might be who he is, important and all, but there are some behaviors I do not appreciate.

 

It makes me laught the idea of competing for his attention. He will wait and wait if he thinks I'm going to initiate or contact him for a fourth date. I just decided I don't want to lose my time with people I cannot figure out.

 

I'll also take a little vacacion from online dating. I don't like multi dating, I don't like to feel like I need to gain anyone's love.

[dobielover]

And here he goes again, he's online again, from the moment we say goodbye. Crap, I'm honestly clueless. I mean, is he bored? Because dinner was expensive and he invited me again. Wth?

Couldn't he just wait at least ten minutes to go online?

 

I said it before. This man has a lot of money. You need to let go of the idea that spending money on dinner, on having a companion for dinner, means he's investing in you and a relationship with you. It's dinner, nothing more.

[katiegrl]

I empathise OP, I recognise a lot of myself in you and your experience sounds a lot like a girl I recently dated. A number of great dates, physical intimacy, but I could see she was still talking to others on a dating app and like this guy she would rarely talk to me between dates. Seems to be classic multi dater behaviour, what happens in their company is almost irrelevant and has no bearing on what they feel. You can gauge 'where they are at' by where their mind is when you are apart.

 

I don't like multi-dating and don't, I don't stop the people I date from doing so as we are not together...but you really have to have a bulletproof mind set to get involved in that situation which I don't think I have and neither donl you from the sound of it. Plus I don't want to compete for someones attention. It really sucks especially when you feel like you are making a connection with this person yet all they give you is just enough to keep you on the hook while they pursue their no.1.

 

I think you have been a bit over dramatic about it all (wanting him to ask you for sex so you could reject him?!) but you have ultimately done the right thing by deleting his number and going dark. With multi daters there comes a time when you have to try and force their hand and see if they miss you enough to come to you and show their interest. If he gets in contact again you should make the venue of the next date close to you so he has to put some effort in to get there.

 

^^I agree with this and to me ...this is the main issue.

 

HE is a multi-dater and you, BK, are not. You prefer to focus on one man a time, you said it in an earlier post.

 

Multi-daters and single-daters are so fundamentally different, it would never work.

 

The single dater feels hurt and resentment, and the multi-dater feels pressured and suffocated.

 

I give you credit though BG, you are containing your anxiety well with HIM ...not burdening him with it ....but nevertheless, you're still feeling really crappy regardless.

 

I am also a single dater, and I completely empathize with you. I would stop dating him.

 

Does not mean he is a bad person, or that you should feel *pissed*.

 

You and him are just *different*...and that is all.

 

That said, your mindset about a few things is a little effed up. Being disappointed he didn't push for sex, so you could turn him down? Sorry, not understanding that one!

 

In any event ......yeah toss this one back. Work on your self-esteem and when you are emotionally prepared to date again .... if it were me, I would try to find out what type of dater he is, sooner rather than later. Single or multi?

 

My bf asked me this on the first date! We discussed it. Don't guess about this stuff, communicate! And stop playing *chasing* games..... those types of games have no place in dating, or anywhere else!

 

Sorry this one didn't work out .....lesson learned.

 

Head high .....move forward.

 

G'luck!

[dobielover]

People multi-date. Until such a time as he decides to be exclusive with anyone, he's allowed to keep his options opened, as are you (and you should be keeping your options opened).

 

This makes it so knowing he's active on the site is useless information for you. All it does is make you anxious. All it does is ensure that you're knocking your own self out of the running of anything serious developing with this guy.

 

You psyched yourself out by checking his activity on the dating site.

 

Being happy at dating involves learning to manage your anxiety. If you know something will raise your anxiety, avoid doing it.

 

Note: he likely received messages while on the date and decided to read them. I've done that. So what?

 

This.

 

His activity means nothing. The expensive dinner means nothing. It's been a few dates. Calm down, follow his lead and do what he does.

[insert_name]

^^I agree with this and to me ...this is the main issue.

 

HE is a multi-dater and you, BK, are not. You prefer to focus on one man a time, you said it in an earlier post.

 

Multi-daters and single-daters are so fundamentally different, it would never work.

 

The single dater feels hurt and resentment, and the multi-dater feels pressured and suffocated.

 

I give you credit though BG, you are containing your anxiety well with HIM ...not burdening him with it ....but nevertheless, you're still feeling really crappy regardless.

 

I am also a single dater, and I completely empathize with you. I would stop dating him.

 

Does not mean he is a bad person, or that you should feel *pissed*.

 

You and him are just *different*...and that is all.

 

That said, your mindset about a few things is a little effed up. Being disappointed he didn't push for sex, so you could turn him down? Sorry, not understanding that one!

 

In any event ......yeah toss this one back. Work on your self-esteem and when you are emotionally prepared to date again .... if it were me, I would try to find out what type of dater he is, sooner rather than later. Single or multi?

 

My bf asked me this on the first date! We discussed it. Don't guess about this stuff, communicate! And stop playing *chasing* games..... those types of games have no place in dating, or anywhere else!

 

Sorry this one didn't work out .....lesson learned.

 

Head high .....move forward.

 

G'luck!

 

Yep, that is the only way a singke dater can 'win' with a multi-dater, keep how you feel inside and in terms of actual behaviour act even more aloof with them than they are with you which might reel them in, it might not, but you certainly can't put yourself 'out there' by being open because once a multi dater knows thry have you hooked its easy for them to add you to their 'circle' and work on their other prospects.

 

Thats why multi dating is ultimately a bad thing as it discourages openness and connection in the early stages and the early stages of dating are supposed to be the best times of the relationship when you can't keep apart from each other aren't they? If you aren't experiencing that and are experiencing only confusion and angst then that says its own story about where you both really are.

[katiegrl]

This.

 

His activity means nothing. The expensive dinner means nothing. It's been a few dates. Calm down, follow his lead and do what he does.

 

LOL @ calm down. For people prone to anxiety, easier *said* than *done*!

 

As said in my last post..... multi-daters and single-daters will never work, unless the single dater compromises his/her values for the sake of continuing to date the multi-dater ....which I would never recommend..... as it will only result in what is happening now ....hurt and resentment.

 

Sure this early on, of course he has every right to date as many women as he wants.

 

And she has the right to stop dating him.....if this isn't her cup of tea and leaves her feeling like crap.

 

No wrong or right here.....just *different* styles of dating.

[Qboro90]

I'm confused by the fact it's been three dates, I still don't know about his intentions, he's online talking to others and his communication is scarce. Based on this, anxiety rises.

I haven't blocked him, just deleted our texts. I have no way to text him now.

 

That's just it tho.... You're not going to know anyone's intentions!! No one is going to be able to tell you what you want to hear at this point, doesn't matter what guy you're dating or how you met them.

 

What do you want him to say that would make you comfortable and happy to continue seeing him? Specifically I'm asking what you'd like to hear that would calm you down and satisfy you.

 

You wanted to know his intentions on date number 1!!! Nobody is going to come out and tell you..."I'm deleting my OLd profile, you're the one!" This soon . You're being unrealistic. And you're also getting advice now from people who are making it an actual fact that he's dating multiple people... You have No idea if this is true or not! It might be, it might not be. He might be talking to other girls, he might not. He might be keeping them as options in case things with you end and he wants another option. You might be option #1 and getting the only free time that he has in his busy work schedule... Ever think or look at it that way?

 

You also have no idea how much money he makes or what his financial situation is so the people who are tellin you that the fancy expensive dinners are no big deal are misleading you. I'm in the medical industry and deal directly with all kinds of surgeons, ortho, spine, cardiologists, oncology and I can tell you that most doctors are in debt from all their school loans until their mid 40s at the very least. Not saying they aren't making money, but the money they make in their 30's isn't as much as you think at all, and most of it goes to their loans anyways. Don't make assumptions and generalize things you have no idea are true or not.

 

Additionally, you haven't done anything with him to where he should feel like he owes you exclusivity right now. You don't initiate conversations with him or reach out at all to show him you're interested in him as a person or his life, you don't even ask about the date being on or not until an hour beforehand. Could he have confirmed earlier? Sure. But maybe he was looking for you to express some kind of excitement or express you were looking forward to it at some point during the week. Ever consider that? He's taken you out 3 times.. Asks you out again... Then doesn't hear from you until the night of the date, last minute. If I were him I would think you are completely disinterested and a bit socially awkward based on all this. You haven't slept with him so he doesn't owe you the respect that goes along with that to stop talking to and seeing other women. Why would he stop online dating with what you've done with him and conveyed up to this point?

 

 

You are hung up on appearing to be "desperate" and "initiating" communication. This is crippling your interactions and dating possibilities. Anyone who will think you're desperate for texting them first isn't going to end up dating you long anyways so you shouldn't care about hitting them up. The guys who do want to date you long term won't care who texts first and will appreciate actually hearing from you instead of having to pull teeth to get you to talk to them.

 

As a guy, after I take a girl out and pay for 1,2,3 dates.... Hell yes I like and appreciate it when she texts me and sees what I'm up to or how I'm doing. The whole point of dating is to find someone who you like and who likes you right? This guys keeps taking you out on dates so he must like you at some level , that's a given. It's even more visible due to the fact you have only kissed him and he keeps asking to take you out because it shows he's not just trying to hit it once and quit it otherwise he would've pushed for more on the first date.

 

Personally, I think that this guy would be a weirdo if he took down his OLD profile and stopped talking to other woman at this point after 3 dates with you and minimal communication and transparency from you in between.

 

But we'll go through this whole fiasco again in a day or two when he texts you and you change your mind again.

[Qboro90]

LOL @ calm down. For people prone to anxiety, easier *said* than *done*!

 

As said in my last post..... multi-daters and single-daters will never work, unless the single dater compromises his/her values for the sake of continuing to date the multi-dater ....which I would never recommend..... as it will only result in what is happening now ....hurt and resentment.

 

Sure this early on, of course he has every right to date as many women as he wants.

 

And she has the right to stop dating him.....if this isn't her cup of tea and leaves her feeling like crap.

 

No wrong or right here.....just *different* styles of dating.

 

 

She's going to feel like crap regardless of who she goes out with. Can see that by her insecurities and anxiety. The next guy she goes out with will be picked apart and analyzed till it crumbles as well. This guy hasn't said or done anything rude, offensive, or too forward to her and she's unable to just take a deep breath, talk to him when she feels like talking to a guy, and enjoy the socializing and nice places she's getting to go with him.

 

And its also weird that you choose to meet him at the restaurants and dates you go on. When a guy asks you out and it's decided where you're going or what you're gonna do, why don't you say "sure, that sounds good, what time do you wanna pick me up?" Never met a girl who wanted to meet me at the destination. Makes it so awkward

[katiegrl]

With respect to his *intentions* ...of course it's absurd to expect him to declare "you're the one!" within the first few dates.

 

The most *single-daters* like BK (and myself and others) can ask for are his intentions with respect to what he ultimately wants (a relationship) -- in general not necessarily with her at this point-- and his intentions with respect to how he chooses to get there.

 

Juggling a bunch of different women ...giving little bits and pieces of himself to many women.... *hoping* one eventually stands out over the others ....... OR finding a woman and feeling enough chemistry with her....that she is special enough to focus solely on...in an attempt to see where it will lead.

 

Maybe it will lead to nowhere, after which they stop dating.....but it is very difficult to form a true connection with one woman...when you're juggling several simultaneously. My opinion.

 

With multi-daters and single daters, it's like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.

 

Not gonna work.

[katiegrl]

I think the bottom line here is that ..... he just wasn't all that into you.

 

A man who is into you keeps in touch between dates, and does not wait until the 11th hour to confirm the date!

 

I also don't think a man who is into you would hop back on line immediately after your date is over!

 

That has never been my experience anyway.....and I also believe a man will multi-date until such time he meets a woman he feels enough chemistry with and who he thinks is special enough that he does not wish to multi-date anymore!

 

You were not that woman BK...you are right to mine on. Next.

 

But work on those insecurities and anxiety issues! It will do you a world of good in the long run.

 

hugs

[Qboro90]

With respect to his *intentions* ...of course it's absurd to expect him to declare "you're the one!" within the first few dates.

 

The most *single-daters* like BK (and myself and others) can ask for are his intentions with respect to what he ultimately wants (a relationship) -- in general not necessarily with her at this point-- and his intentions with respect to how he chooses to get there.

 

Juggling a bunch of different women ...giving little bits and pieces of himself to many women.... *hoping* one eventually stands out over the others ....... OR finding a woman and feeling enough chemistry with her....that she is special enough to focus solely on...in an attempt to see where it will lead.

 

Maybe it will lead to nowhere, after which they stop dating.....but it is very difficult to form a true connection with one woman...when you're juggling several simultaneously. My opinion.

 

With multi-daters and single daters, it's like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.

 

Not gonna work.

 

 

And if this guy is the player you're saying then what's to stop him from fooling her to thinking he's not seeing or talking to anyone else. All he's gotta do is change his OLD username or make a new one and she'll never know. He's either a good guy or he's gonna play her. Since he's a doctor I'm led to believe he has some sort of morals and maturity so it's doubtful he'd just blatantly lie to her.

 

Then again it's only been 3 dates so she can't know much about him at all anyways .

[katiegrl]

And if this guy is the player you're saying then what's to stop him from fooling her to thinking he's not seeing or talking to anyone else. All he's gotta do is change his OLD username or make a new one and she'll never know. He's either a good guy or he's gonna play her. Since he's a doctor I'm led to believe he has some sort of morals and maturity so it's doubtful he'd just blatantly lie to her.

 

Then again it's only been 3 dates so she can't know much about him at all anyways .

 

I don't think he is *player*. I just don't think he is all that into her (see my last post).

[brokengirl85]

I feel more sad this morning. This shouldn't be.

I start to think in all the things I've done wrong with previous lovers as well. I'm not ready to get hurt.

 

After having dinner, he headed to a hotel. I was uneasy and he could sense it. I felt like I was being drawn without having been asked. I felt cheap. He noticed my change of attitude. He, then, stopped the car and change his mind. We headed to the beach, but I don't think it was romantic. I was always alert on his moves, what he said...I asked what was he thinking, he said: "I'm enjoying the moment" and you?, he asked. I said I was enjoying the moment as well.

 

 

But one part of me was not. I can't waste anymore of my time and efforts in a guy that is not clear. Nor by text, nor when we meet. He is just, as he said, enjoying the moment. And I don't really know if I like him right now. All this behavior makes me like him less. This player behavior, I mean. Because I think he is playing.

 

It's sad. I'm tired of users. I'm naive, and I want to know if a guy wants me because of me, or if he just wants sex. And I cannot figure out this guy. The balance is leaning towards thinking he's just looking for sex.

i don't want to think this way, but he hasn't showed otherwise so far.

[brokengirl85]

And if this guy is the player you're saying then what's to stop him from fooling her to thinking he's not seeing or talking to anyone else. All he's gotta do is change his OLD username or make a new one and she'll never know. He's either a good guy or he's gonna play her. Since he's a doctor I'm led to believe he has some sort of morals and maturity so it's doubtful he'd just blatantly lie to her.

 

Then again it's only been 3 dates so she can't know much about him at all anyways .

 

Exactly. He's a well known doctor. Extremely well known, even outside the medical community. Why is he acting like a jerk??

[brokengirl85]

I don't think he is *player*. I just don't think he is all that into her (see my last post).

 

Well, katiegirl, this is the honest truth. Again, I found someone I like that is not into me. Hurts. Again.

 

That happens because I'm too naive and because I keep tabs on guys that are way far from my league. If you say looks doesn't matter, how about my personality, I'm insecure, and they can sense it.

 

Tired.