What would you do with this guy?

[stillafool]

 

 

What would you do?

 

I would ignore him and go about my life. If he were persistent I would answer him and sound happy and content.

[Qboro90]

Thank you guys. I do agree that I sabotage myself out of fear.

 

At this moment I won't do anything, I'll keep active in online dating as always and I won't expect anything from him either.

 

I'm really bad at communicating and I also don't want to look desperate, so I'll keep quiet.

Whatever he decides (if he wants a third date or not or ever contacts me again) it's ok either way. My life is difficult already to complicate it more.

 

 

Just understand that by doing nothing, you're essentially making the liklihood of seeing him and going out more far less likely. I don't think you realize that when people are single and they meet someone where there's an attraction, or they go on a date/dates... It's okay and quite frankly it's necessary to actually talk to the other person. I'm not saying you should be texting this guy everyday for hours on end. But let's just say that the last time you spoke to him was Friday... Why wouldn't you want to send him a text today or tomorrow and see what's up, flirt, talk to a guy you like? I mean that's the fun part.

 

Anytime I met a girl and went out with her or got the first kiss, those days afterwards are the best because you both know that you had fun and enjoyed the date and are attracted to one another. You should actually be less stressed after the first date and kiss. And even less stressed and worried after the 2nd date and kiss. Proves that the first one wasn't just a fluke or him being nice. He was/is into you.. You should be happy, excited, lil nervous but in a good way.

 

I don't know why you're so concerned with communicating or talking to him. You're worried about appearing clingy? Well if you're not clingy and needy then you won't have any problems. If you are clingy and you know that about yourself, then this should be practice for you so you can text a guy and be flirtatious for a little while without thinking deep into it afterwards.

 

You have trouble communicating? Only way to get better is to step out of your comfort zone and try it more. Try texting him and just bs'ing without thinking about "whys he taking so long to reply?", "what should I say to that? Omg", "does he think I'm desperate for texting him on a Monday?"

 

Force yourself not to let those thoughts materialize. He's a guy, you're a pretty girl he kissed, he'll like hearing from you and seeing your text appear on his screen.

 

And even if you go out with him 5 more times and he's a great guy.... He could still end up being an *******..... There's no way to know for sure or tell the future. You gotta learn how to be selective with what you express in terms of your feelings in the early stages (I.e. Don't be saying "are you like just trying to be casual or do u want something serious.?" After going on 3,4, 5 dates) And trying to just do what you wanna do.

 

Simplify things.... You wanna talk to the guy? Talk to him, send him a text. You wanna hang out again? Then next time he texts you, ask him when you're gonna go out together next or if he wants to come hang out at ur place . If you don't like when he corrects your grammar, be assertive and playful by leaning in and looking around his shirt then say "sorry... I can't see your badge... Wasn't aware you were sheriff of the grammar police" . That's a cute yet simple way of telling him to knock it off .

[brokengirl85]

Yes, there are a few red flags here:

 

Ignoring topics you brought up - could be he is a self-involved narcissist, or could be he was still deep in thought about what you were discussing before, or just distracted by something in his own life.

 

Correcting your grammar - could be a sign he is a controlling jerk, or it could be this is his one big pet peeve and he is otherwise nice and chill.

 

You've been on TWO dates. You are not in a relationship yet. You are not owed more communication yet. You shouldn't be handing him your heart on a silver platter yet. You shouldn't be over-analyzing that he didn't kiss you as long as you would have liked. He shouldn't be shutting down his profile yet.

 

Be open to more from him, but have ZERO expectations. Right now, you are in discovery mode. You are not yet trying to build something with him... you are simply getting to know more about him, so you both can decide whether there is something worth pursuing.

 

Be kind and be open. If he asks you out again, go. Worry less about kissing, and more about learning who he is so you can discover whether he is even a guy worth trying with.

 

And - if you are looking for a LTR, you need to be working on your communication. That is a necessary element for a successful relationship.

 

This is very insightful and clear. Thank you!

[brokengirl85]

My rule of thumb was to be receptive/responsive up until the guy arranged a 3rd date. If things went well after the 3rd date and seems to be moving forward, I would then start initiating some texting at least and paying for some dates as well or at least offering.

 

Wait for him to call you and set up a 3rd date and go from there. This guy doesn't owe you anything after 2 dates. And, he can and should be online and/or dating others if he wants to. He's not exclusive with you yet.

 

And, desperateness/neediness/clingyness isn't conveyed by one or two texts here and there. 10 in a row does, especially if they don't respond. My point is, if there is a third date, you can start initiating a little bit so that he doesn't feel like he's doing all the work.

 

I agree. I'm not comfortable initiating yet. I felt insecure yesterday when I disclosed some personal info to him over texts. Then I went silent. It's as I go back and forth with my feelings: I trust too much, then I withdraw.

 

As for paying: I always offer to pay. This second date, however, I paid for the wine at the wine bar. He paid for our meal at a very high end French restaurant

[katiegrl]

Also he could be slow at opening up.... again it's only been two dates.

 

Many people (including myself) need a bit of time to feel comfortable in opening up about personal things...he is still essentially a stranger.

 

I do however think it's a bit much to correct your grammar, that's obnoxious and personally would turn me off. Indicates somewhat of a controlling personality...and I DO NOT get along with those types.

 

As far as not asking you questions.... he may be a bit clueless and self-centered...but if I liked him, was attracted to him....I would give it a few more dates and see if he's just slow to open up..... and doesn't reflect his true personality.

 

If it continues and after several more dates, it doesn't appear he is emotionally open ..... then move on... he isn't right for you.

 

But don't self-sabotage yet! Give him a chance.

 

Unless of course the correcting grammar thing is a dealbreaker.... still on the fence about that one.... although I KNOW it would bother me a lot.

 

Knowing me... I would tell him that too! In a joking bantering sort of way of course... that's just me... I never hold back!

[katiegrl]

I agree. I'm not comfortable initiating yet. I felt insecure yesterday when I disclosed some personal info to him over texts. Then I went silent. It's as I go back and forth with my feelings: I trust too much, then I withdraw.

 

Sweetie, you need to get over that. You are sending him mixed messages.... coming close, then pulling back.... which is probably confusing HIM!

[brokengirl85]

Just understand that by doing nothing, you're essentially making the liklihood of seeing him and going out more far less likely. I don't think you realize that when people are single and they meet someone where there's an attraction, or they go on a date/dates... It's okay and quite frankly it's necessary to actually talk to the other person. I'm not saying you should be texting this guy everyday for hours on end. But let's just say that the last time you spoke to him was Friday... Why wouldn't you want to send him a text today or tomorrow and see what's up, flirt, talk to a guy you like? I mean that's the fun part.

 

Anytime I met a girl and went out with her or got the first kiss, those days afterwards are the best because you both know that you had fun and enjoyed the date and are attracted to one another. You should actually be less stressed after the first date and kiss. And even less stressed and worried after the 2nd date and kiss. Proves that the first one wasn't just a fluke or him being nice. He was/is into you.. You should be happy, excited, lil nervous but in a good way.

 

I don't know why you're so concerned with communicating or talking to him. You're worried about appearing clingy? Well if you're not clingy and needy then you won't have any problems. If you are clingy and you know that about yourself, then this should be practice for you so you can text a guy and be flirtatious for a little while without thinking deep into it afterwards.

 

You have trouble communicating? Only way to get better is to step out of your comfort zone and try it more. Try texting him and just bs'ing without thinking about "whys he taking so long to reply?", "what should I say to that? Omg", "does he think I'm desperate for texting him on a Monday?"

 

Force yourself not to let those thoughts materialize. He's a guy, you're a pretty girl he kissed, he'll like hearing from you and seeing your text appear on his screen.

 

And even if you go out with him 5 more times and he's a great guy.... He could still end up being an *******..... There's no way to know for sure or tell the future. You gotta learn how to be selective with what you express in terms of your feelings in the early stages (I.e. Don't be saying "are you like just trying to be casual or do u want something serious.?" After going on 3,4, 5 dates) And trying to just do what you wanna do.

 

Simplify things.... You wanna talk to the guy? Talk to him, send him a text. You wanna hang out again? Then next time he texts you, ask him when you're gonna go out together next or if he wants to come hang out at ur place . If you don't like when he corrects your grammar, be assertive and playful by leaning in and looking around his shirt then say "sorry... I can't see your badge... Wasn't aware you were sheriff of the grammar police" . That's a cute yet simple way of telling him to knock it off .

About initiating: the issue here is I'm not sure about his intentions yet. This I'm not comfortable initiating. He might have been talking to five other girls right now. He might have been sleeping with three others.

 

Do I want to be like all the other girls, chasing him, initiating, clinging on him?? No, I don't.

 

If he's interested enough, he'll pursue me. If not, why insisting? I'm not going to make him more interested in me if I communicate all the time letting him know how handsome or how a good kisser he is. He already have that from a bunch of other girls. I'm just taking care of myself, Preserving myself from rejection.

[brokengirl85]

Sweetie, you need to get over that. You are sending him mixed messages.... coming close, then pulling back.... which is probably confusing HIM!

 

I think so too. And I'm sorry about it. Im honestly sorry.

[Redhead14]

I agree. I'm not comfortable initiating yet. I felt insecure yesterday when I disclosed some personal info to him over texts. Then I went silent. It's as I go back and forth with my feelings: I trust too much, then I withdraw.

 

As for paying: I always offer to pay. This second date, however, I paid for the wine at the wine bar. He paid for our meal at a very high end French restaurant

 

I'm not comfortable initiating yet -- But you decided to reveal personal information?

 

I trust too much, then I withdraw. -- The formula for mixed signals . . .

 

And, why in the world would you share personal information in a text with a guy you've only had two dates with???? That isn't even logical let alone about trust. If you were at a point further down the line where you felt you could/should share personal information, don't do it in a text. Do that in person or over the phone. Texting personal information is treating that kind of information with a low level of respect in my book. Texting is for light conversation, banter, etc.

[katiegrl]

>>"If you don't like when he corrects your grammar, be assertive and playful by leaning in and looking around his shirt then say "sorry... I can't see your badge... Wasn't aware you were sheriff of the grammar police" . That's a cute yet simple way of telling him to knock it off."

 

That sounds like something I would say! LOL

[brokengirl85]

Also he could be slow at opening up.... again it's only been two dates.

 

Many people (including myself) need a bit of time to feel comfortable in opening up about personal things...he is still essentially a stranger.

 

I do however think it's a bit much to correct your grammar, that's obnoxious and personally would turn me off. Indicates somewhat of a controlling personality...and I DO NOT get along with those types.

 

As far as not asking you questions.... he may be a bit clueless and self-centered...but if I liked him, was attracted to him....I would give it a few more dates and see if he's just slow to open up..... and doesn't reflect his true personality.

 

If it continues and after several more dates, it doesn't appear he is emotionally open ..... then move on... he isn't right for you.

 

But don't self-sabotage yet! Give him a chance.

 

Unless of course the correcting grammar thing is a dealbreaker.... still on the fence about that one.... although I KNOW it would bother me a lot.

 

Knowing me... I would tell him that too! In a joking bantering sort of way of course... that's just me... I never hold back!

 

I felt embarrassed a couple times when he corrected as English is not my first language. Then, he stared at me when I dropped a piece of bread or when it was obvious I didn't know how to use the five forks I had to choose from. Gezz and I also was tipsy because we had wine before.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I felt embarrassed a couple times when he corrected as English is not my first language. Then, he stared at me when I dropped a piece of bread or when it was obvious I didn't know how to use the five forks I had to choose from. Gezz and I also was tipsy because we had wine before.

 

Fun fact: It's not the way you use the fork, but the timing of it,

For all forks are used the same, just have to figure out what entree it goes with!

[katiegrl]

I felt embarrassed a couple times when he corrected as English is not my first language. Then, he stared at me when I dropped a piece of bread or when it was obvious I didn't know how to use the five forks I had to choose from. Gezz and I also was tipsy because we had wine before.

 

That sounds weird and controlling.

 

From personal experience, when I have made these type of faux pas during a date, if a man was into me.....he thought they (and me) were adorable!

 

He would never just stare in judgmental condescension (if that's what it felt like he as doing).

 

When a man is truly into you.... a woman can do almost no wrong...everything about her is adorable!

 

Even bad English and not knowing what fork to use.

 

I dunno brokengirl... on second thought you may want to cut your losses now.

 

These ^^ things just don't make him sound very appealing IMO. And if you feel embarrassed by him now.... it will only get worse.

 

I do think you should take steps to resolve your insecurity issues though.... those will follow you no matter who you date, and how great he is.

[Qboro90]

About initiating: the issue here is I'm not sure about his intentions yet. This I'm not comfortable initiating. He might have been talking to five other girls right now. He might have been sleeping with three others.

 

Do I want to be like all the other girls, chasing him, initiating, clinging on him?? No, I don't.

 

If he's interested enough, he'll pursue me. If not, why insisting? I'm not going to make him more interested in me if I communicate all the time letting him know how handsome or how a good kisser he is. He already have that from a bunch of other girls. I'm just taking care of myself, Preserving myself from rejection.

 

 

That's the whole point though!!!! Neither one of you know the others intentions. No one goes on dates or meets people with a sign across their chest saying "I just want to sleep with you and that's it" or "I'm really into you I hope you like me too"..... You have false perceptions of what it should be like so early on. That's why you talk to one another. To slowly uncover what kind of guy he is. You're not gonna get the answer in 1 date or one convo. Could I understand what kind of person you are just by going out to dinner with you? Or would it be the tip of the iceberg?

 

Do you want to be like the other girls chasing him? First of all, just because a guy tells you that girls pursue him, doesn't mean he's Ryan Gosling and has a line out the door. We say things like that to make it appear like we are a desirable person and are selective with who we go out with. You should learn how to put a guy in his place when he says things like that. "Oh wow I'm like so lucky to be sitting here at dinner with you then huh!?" In a sarcastic eye rolly tone after he tells you about girls coming after him. You're just taking him for what he says and falling for it all.

 

How do you know he's not thinking the same things about you? Did you close your okcupid profile? If not then he can still see you're active on it. He could think you're seeing other guys, sleeping with other guys. After all, you never really text him to talk, don't talk to him that long or progress the convos to flirt more or be playful.... Then you'll reveal personal info randomly which probably confuses him. So if you look at it that way, you're probably very confusing to this guy with your actions and words or lackthereof.

 

You don't have to tell him he's a good kisser. Just kiss him. That tells him better than words. Why aren't you making him worry that you have other options instead of being the one that's worried? Guys can sense when a girl has nothing else going on and no other social interaction.

 

You have no idea what he's told by other girls or if he's talking to anyone else.

This guy took you to two very fancy dinners? If he didn't like you be wouldn't waste the time or money. If he didn't like you he wouldn't kiss you both dates and continue to text you.

If you were talking to him on Sunday I'm at a loss as to what you're even concerned about? He literally spoke to you yesterday. Do you need him to spell it out that he's enjoying getting to know you?

 

Oh and definitely don't reveal personal information about yourself that's negative or strange in any way at this point. Don't give him your life story about how your last BF broke your heart or how you've been hurt in the past really bad by guys. As a guy I can tell you that any time a girl started telling me things like that I immediately was like "ommgggg I don't caree! I don't even know you, why are you telling me all this stuff that I wouldn't even tell my close friends"

[brokengirl85]

That sounds weird and controlling.

 

From personal experience, when I have made these type of faux pas during a date, if a man was into me.....he thought they (and me) were adorable!

 

He would never just stare in judgmental condescension (if that's what it felt like he as doing).

 

When a man is truly into you.... a woman can do almost no wrong...everything about her is adorable!

 

Even bad English and not knowing what fork to use.

 

I dunno brokengirl... on second thought you may want to cut your losses now.

 

These ^^ things just don't make him sound very appealing IMO. And if you feel embarrassed by him now.... it will only get worse.

 

I do think you should take steps to resolve your insecurity issues though.... those will follow you no matter who you date, and how great he is.

 

 

He looked judge mental. And the worst I felt, the dorky I acted.

I honestly didn't feel he wanted to kiss me after that.

 

The date started super. He was obviously nervous and super engaged. As time passed he looked somehow bored, and I looked exhausted!!! I went to the ladies room and looked at my face, it was like a mask of myself, tired, my self esteem underground...

 

At the end, I was sure that was going to be the last time I heard from him. For that reason I wanted to kiss him more, because at the end, the date was already a disaster and who cares! I had nothing to lose but to gain kissing a super hot doctor.

 

Now I'm not sure about anything but I'm not making a move either. I'm not that stupid to face rejection once more. I know my "performance" was poor and I didn't look my best ( I felt terrible, it was the first day of my period ugh)

[ChancesAre24]

I would ignore him and go about my life. If he were persistent I would answer him and sound happy and content.

 

My issue with this response is that you are advising her to *sound* happy and content rather than *be* happy and content. I believe thats where all good relationships start and I think its important for op to feel good about herself and confident in her life before dating so that another person in the mix doesn't cause her to give up her own identity to please another.

[Qboro90]

At the end, I was sure that was going to be the last time I heard from him. For

 

Now I'm not sure about anything but I'm not making a move either. I'm not that stupid to face rejection once more. I know my "performance" was poor and I didn't look my best ( I felt terrible, it was the first day of my period ugh)

 

Bear with me using this example.

 

If you were competing in a gymnastics contest, and there's 3 performances you can do where your highest 2 scores are used.. And you did your 1st routine, do a great job and get a 94 out of 100. Then you do your 2nd routine and were just off that day, maybe didn't get enough sleep or just felt weak and scored a 82 out of 100. Would you show up to the 3rd part of the competition and try your best to put on the best performance possible to leave the judges with the best image of you in their minds? Or would you be so down from your 2nd poor performance that you said "not even gonna bother doing the 3rd routine, I'm not stupid enough to try and do that again"?

 

You're giving up on your 3rd performance with this guy. You could easily go on another date with him and look your best, charm him, make him chase you and try to impress you and be thrilled once it's over.... Instead you're just throwing in the towel because you're scared of being rejected again. You realize you're just rejecting yourself right?

You can't let dating rejections impact you so deeply. It's really not that personal. Think about this guy. You say he's handsome, he's a doctor, successful, etc. if anything, that's a pretty good guy to get rejected by. It's not like you're going out with the creepy guy who bags groceries at Wal mart and he's rejecting you.

 

If I went on a 3 dates with Megan Fox, kissed her and then the 4th time I asked her out she said no, wasn't really feeling it with me. My attitude would be "damn, I got 3 dates and kissed by Megan fox, that's freaking awesome, I'm putting that on my resume" lol

[dobielover]

It shouldn't be this hard this early. Everything you do and say should be endearing.

[Silver_star]

I met him on okcupid. I initiated conversation.

He invited me for a first date. Nice restaurant. He payed. We kissed

He contacted a day later to let me know he'd want a second date.

In the meantime, he's been active on okcupid

We went on a second date. He surprised me with the restaurant, it was obvious he put energy and time organizing the date.

Conversation was ok but he ignored some of my topics of conversation which was awkward but this also happened in the first date.

At the end of the date we kissed. It was obvious I wanted to kiss more but I felt he was just wanting me to leave

I text him when I got back home (first time ever I initiated) saying I wanted to kiss him more. He replied instantly he also wanted to kiss more :/ I did not reply

Next day he texted me how my day was. I did not reply

 

Background:

He's a 10. Sorry for being this superficial, it's just to give you an idea. (he told me people call him don draper)

He's a professional very succesful in his job in a very good economic position.

He told me women pursue him all the time (makes sense, he's extremely handsome)

He told me he has where to choose for women

He corrected me several times during our dates grammatical errors I made

He never complimented me on my looks

He's been active on okcupid all this time

 

 

My lack of response to his last text was because he specifically told me about his online options, I don't want to be part of that.

Also, he's taking things slow, formal and aloof. It's been two dates but he haven't talked about what we're looking for. I feel insecure.

 

What would you do in this case?

 

 

 

I think your common sense can see that you two want different things.

He seems very interested in playing games to make him look even more attractive to you. Ego alert. He probably has insecurities of his own.

 

 

I would say go with your gut on this one and don't waste time on him.

[Robert]

Folks, the subject of this thread is in the original post, quoted below. I deleted 16 posts that were off-topic and urge everyone to post to the topic, move on, or accept the infractions moderation decides upon.

 

Thanks,

~6

 

 

I met him on okcupid. I initiated conversation.

He invited me for a first date. Nice restaurant. He payed. We kissed

He contacted a day later to let me know he'd want a second date.

In the meantime, he's been active on okcupid

We went on a second date. He surprised me with the restaurant, it was obvious he put energy and time organizing the date.

Conversation was ok but he ignored some of my topics of conversation which was awkward but this also happened in the first date.

At the end of the date we kissed. It was obvious I wanted to kiss more but I felt he was just wanting me to leave

I text him when I got back home (first time ever I initiated) saying I wanted to kiss him more. He replied instantly he also wanted to kiss more :/ I did not reply

Next day he texted me how my day was. I did not reply

 

Background:

He's a 10. Sorry for being this superficial, it's just to give you an idea. (he told me people call him don draper)

He's a professional very succesful in his job in a very good economic position.

He told me women pursue him all the time (makes sense, he's extremely handsome)

He told me he has where to choose for women

He corrected me several times during our dates grammatical errors I made

He never complimented me on my looks

He's been active on okcupid all this time

 

 

My lack of response to his last text was because he specifically told me about his online options, I don't want to be part of that.

Also, he's taking things slow, formal and aloof. It's been two dates but he haven't talked about what we're looking for. I feel insecure.

 

What would you do in this case?

[Maggie4]

Ok I had to google Don Draper. I see nothing wrong with this guy, and I would continue seeing him. I think you are mismatched only because you feel so uncomfortable with him. But I really believe in true love, if only people would stop comparing careers and looks, and really treasure each other as souls.

 

He might be sincerely wanting to help you with your English when he corrects you. It's not your first language, why should you feel bad? I have no problem with any man who cared enough to teach me his native language. That's how you learn.

 

As for ignoring your topic of conversation, I guess it would depend on what you said. Maybe you didn't make sense, or you rambled on about things he had no interest in, like who Don Draper is. Sometimes people ignore me, doesn't bother me. Problem is you are very sentitive, you seek his approval, and you need validation from him. That's bad.

 

However, he must see something in you, believe something in you. Maybe a capacity to be truly caring? Loyal? Supportive and kind? Vulnerable and genuine? Rare qualities.. Doesn't matter how he looks or how successful he is, true love from a good woman is hard to find.

 

How did you manage to drop that bread anyway? Ha ha ha...

[brokengirl85]

Ok I had to google Don Draper. I see nothing wrong with this guy, and I would continue seeing him. I think you are mismatched only because you feel so uncomfortable with him. But I really believe in true love, if only people would stop comparing careers and looks, and really treasure each other as souls.

 

He might be sincerely wanting to help you with your English when he corrects you. It's not your first language, why should you feel bad? I have no problem with any man who cared enough to teach me his native language. That's how you learn.

 

As for ignoring your topic of conversation, I guess it would depend on what you said. Maybe you didn't make sense, or you rambled on about things he had no interest in, like who Don Draper is. Sometimes people ignore me, doesn't bother me. Problem is you are very sentitive, you seek his approval, and you need validation from him. That's bad.

 

However, he must see something in you, believe something in you. Maybe a capacity to be truly caring? Loyal? Supportive and kind? Vulnerable and genuine? Rare qualities.. Doesn't matter how he looks or how successful he is, true love from a good woman is hard to find.

 

How did you manage to drop that bread anyway? Ha ha ha...

 

You sound very sweet and warm. I was like you loong ago...I wish I could have kept my ingenuity intact. Some experiences really thicken our skin and heart.

 

Yes, I dropped the piece of bread, I confused the forks, I forgot everything the waitress said, I almost fell walking to the ladies room...what else? Omg!

 

Well, tomorrow will be another day. Deep inside I wish he contacted me... But when i rationalize all these, I can see why he stopped contact. I'm really super dorky and silly

[bluefeather]

sounds like he's got you wrapped around his finger. he might hit you up one night for a booty call.

[Qboro90]

You sound very sweet and warm. I was like you loong ago...I wish I could have kept my ingenuity intact. Some experiences really thicken our skin and heart.

 

Yes, I dropped the piece of bread, I confused the forks, I forgot everything the waitress said, I almost fell walking to the ladies room...what else? Omg!

 

Well, tomorrow will be another day. Deep inside I wish he contacted me... But when i rationalize all these, I can see why he stopped contact. I'm really super dorky and silly

 

What makes you think he stopped contact? What if he texts you tomorrow afternoon saying "what's up". You'll throw yourself back into a emotional roller coaster.

[brokengirl85]

Someone suggested I'd ignore him and move on.

 

What's your advice?