TheArtist Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 I broke up with my ex about six weeks ago and she eventually told me she wanted to be friends. It was a long distance relationship but full of love throughout, then she ghosted me for about a month before telling me she wasn't sure what she wanted but 'wanted me in her life'. We've remained friends on Facebook and I have taken a good month to be pretty much over her by going out, learning new skills and generally avoiding Facebook. For the past couple of weeks I've been back on and she's not only become friends with quite a few of my online friends but whenever I post something or start a conversation she'll like every comment on that thread except mine. It's been happening pretty much for the full two weeks. Note that I don't actually directly talk to her on there, nor do I like anything she posts. I also have no intention of getting back with her without a pretty amazing apology from her, should that ever happen. Those psychologists amongst us, what's this all about then? Or do you have any weird stories like this yourself?
LydiaLong Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 You don't need to be a psychologist here. She obviously wants to keep you in reserve in case something better doesn't come along. 2
Author TheArtist Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 But if that was the case why does she like everything BUT my comments? Is it a way of getting me to notice her indirectly (because it worked)?
newmoon Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 six weeks is very still fresh and new, she is saying what she might think you want to hear. ex's rarely want to maintain a friendship, it's like asking how someone is when you don't care. "let's be friends, let's stay friends, etc" are things people do/say to make the heartache less for the other person. they think they are being kind and gentle about a break-up, and are leaving a door open in case they want to come back around. 1
Author TheArtist Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 Yes, of course. But my real wondering is this part: 'whenever I post something or start a conversation on Facebook she'll like every comment on that thread except mine.' Is that her being petty?
RedRobin Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Maybe she doesn't want to send the message that she is still romantically interested in you... I think it is possible to be friends with an ex, but it takes a very long time. For me, any betrayal, fibbing, or stringing along qualifies as an immediate NO. If it just so happens that you discovered some things about each other that make you incompatible for something longer term, then I see no reason to throw the baby out with the bath water if basic trust and respect are there. Sure, it takes time, but it can be done. AND here's the thing. It has to be mutual. It can't be one person pining away for the other... or one person being an emotional tampon. That won't work. To me, a friend is a TRUE friend. No sex. Not a backup plan. Not a consolation prize. 1
Gloria25 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Yes, of course. But my real wondering is this part: 'whenever I post something or start a conversation on Facebook she'll like every comment on that thread except mine.' Is that her being petty? Umm, But why should she like your comment? I mean, I've gone on Facebook posts and while I won't "like" every comment - not all the time I "like" the comment of the initiator. Doesn't it make a difference on how your Facebook is set up? I mean, sometimes I get a notification from a thread that I placed a "like" on, where the initiator puts a comment and I don't even bother to go back to the thread...Facebook is exhausting 1
Gloria25 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 (edited) You don't need to be a psychologist here. She obviously wants to keep you in reserve in case something better doesn't come along. And it's ego too... Someone here on LS, when I had a particular situation kinda equated it to a cat with a ball of string...Take away the ball of string and they get bored, they want something to play around with. When someone keeps on doing certain things that "get your attention" (i.e. the Facebook comment thing) and don't follow through (i.e. picking up the phone and asking you out on a date), then don't give them the time of day. Some people are flames....they like moths to flutter around them. When moths get tired of fluttering, they get upset and flicker their light a bit brighter cuz they feel better knowing moths are attracted to them. I spent one year of looking into every little thing with a guy and till this date, dude still has not even had a coffee with me, a date with me, and/or a simple convo that lasts TWO MINUTES...after a year, I finally "got it" that he's not interested in me, but sure loves the attention. Now, I read your threads - if I'm correct this woman is "separated" or recently divorced? Ok, well maybe she - like my dude - are conflicted. They are trying to figure out themselves. Do they wanna be with you, their SO, etc. But, they think you wanna sit around and stop dating/living - waiting on them when they haven't given you an incentive/reason to hold on and they have no right to do that. Ignore her and keep on living. Go out and date... Edited December 6, 2015 by Gloria25 1
Author TheArtist Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 Thank you once again Gloria! It's just a weird thing with the Facebook posts. It's definitely deliberate that on long threads of 30 comments or more she will never click like on mine no matter how many others do. As I say I'm not trying to get back with her, I'm just interested in how people's minds work. It's just an odd thing to do.
Gloria25 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Sorry, I tried to edit this last paragraph, but couldn't: Now, I read your threads - if I'm correct this woman is "separated" or recently divorced? Ok, well maybe she - like my dude - are conflicted. They are trying to figure out themselves. Do they wanna be with you, their SO, etc? It may also be something that's tormenting them (which tricks you into feeling empathy). But, they think you wanna sit around and stop dating/living - waiting on them when they haven't given you an incentive/reason to hold on and they have no right to do that...Especially when at the end of the day, they win...cuz they can go to you or go back to their SO. They won't end up losing - you will. 1
Gloria25 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Thank you once again Gloria! It's just a weird thing with the Facebook posts. It's definitely deliberate that on long threads of 30 comments or more she will never click like on mine no matter how many others do. As I say I'm not trying to get back with her, I'm just interested in how people's minds work. It's just an odd thing to do. Well not to be argumentative, but when we still "care" we take notice...IMO... 1
Author TheArtist Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 Yes, that's the one. As far as I know she's still separated and not divorced; I haven't spoken to her in six weeks, but I don't think anyone would start divorce proceedings just before Christmas. Personally I think she got scared that she was finally getting out of her comfort zone with me, knowing that her life was about to change into something new, panicked and just shut down all her emotions to get back to the life she knows. As mundane as it is, she knows the routine.
Gloria25 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Yes, that's the one. As far as I know she's still separated and not divorced; I haven't spoken to her in six weeks, but I don't think anyone would start divorce proceedings just before Christmas. Personally I think she got scared that she was finally getting out of her comfort zone with me, knowing that her life was about to change into something new, panicked and just shut down all her emotions to get back to the life she knows. As mundane as it is, she knows the routine. Well, my fav podcaster's opinion is to wait a while after the ink dries on the divorce papers. I mean, imagine that person and what they are going through. When it comes to separations, divorces, etc. there's a lot of emotion, decisions, finances that come into play - especially if they didn't initiate the process. They may be considering going back to the ex...They also may need some time after the divorce to simply be on their own and develop their own identity cuz yep, when you're with someone in a marriage, there's gonna be a transition from "us" to "me". My FWB, upon his divorce said he didn't want to be with me or anyone...while logically I can see his point. I wouldn't want him to just jump to me when he just got out of a long-term RL (his marriage)...cuz, for all we know, he might just be jumping to me cuz of what I provided him (comfort, affection, attention, sex) rather than being genuinely wanting "me" for "me". But, it still hurt and burned because I became emotionally attached and just didn't "get it" when I believe we could have made it. So, IMO, people who are "separated", "divorcing", etc....are risky candidates to date cuz you may just be a rebound and they are going through so much. Again, she may be trying to hold onto you to be Plan B....her "safety net". Well, its up to you if you wanna put your life on hold for that. I say not. You can be "friendly" (i.e. if you see her walking down the street you are polite), but no looking her up, no emotional, physical, etc investment in her anymore. Go out and date, and let her know that you have a life to live, can remain "friendly", and one day if/when she gets her head straight maybe you two can give it a try. 1
Author TheArtist Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 Yes, that's fantastic advice there Gloria. I think that what you describe about becoming attached is exactly what happened to me. I saw no reason for her not to want to work on something that would be fantastic for both of us and it did hurt when she suddenly went cold. Meeting her husband was particularly strange. Although I do have a few lingering feelings for her I can easily picture myself with another woman now and I can picture her with another man and it doesn't make me cringe anymore; in fact that would be good closure for me if that did happen. I fully intend to start dating again soon, but to be honest I'm so immersed in drawing and painting I don't even think I have time at the moment. That's a good thing about NC. You give great advice Gloria, and if you lived a little nearer I'd take you for a coffee (I'm not hitting on you!) 1
Gloria25 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Yes, that's fantastic advice there Gloria. I think that what you describe about becoming attached is exactly what happened to me. I saw no reason for her not to want to work on something that would be fantastic for both of us and it did hurt when she suddenly went cold. Meeting her husband was particularly strange. Although I do have a few lingering feelings for her I can easily picture myself with another woman now and I can picture her with another man and it doesn't make me cringe anymore; in fact that would be good closure for me if that did happen. I fully intend to start dating again soon, but to be honest I'm so immersed in drawing and painting I don't even think I have time at the moment. That's a good thing about NC. You give great advice Gloria, and if you lived a little nearer I'd take you for a coffee (I'm not hitting on you!) Cool... Try not to take it personal, cuz like I said, with my FWB it still stings and it's been like three years after the fact. People who are trying to sort out themselves and/or are going through divorces, separations, bad marriages/RLs, involved with someone else is just gonna be messy business. 1
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