blur9 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 So, me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and recently he asked me for what he called a break... I really don't understand what it's his problem but i thing that is problem is not knowing if he wants to be with me anymore or his willing to commit it me... He says he as a lot of love for me but doesn't know if he wants to break up with me your not, so he ask for a break where he still keep talking (but not as much) and could meet for coffee.
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 A 'break' means it's over, but he doesn't have the balls to tell you his feelings have changed. A break has particular set of parameters and "rules". This has none. he's broken up with you but wants to keep you as a buddy (it relieves his conscience and makes him feel better about breaking UP with you) but he's not honest enough to admit he's just not into you any more. Go No Contact. It's by far the very best thing you could ever do. For you both. 3
Author blur9 Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 What would be the particular set of parameters and "rules"? He knows once we break up there isn't going to be any contact. He said he wanted to keep in touch because he doesn't want for us to totally break up until he knows what he wants ... We have met a few days ago and we haven't broke up yet.... As I'm writing this down, I feel really stupid and I know I probably should break up with me, but I can't. Once I make up my mind I feel I'm going to regret my decision. Ans I know him and I genuinely think that his problem his not knowing how seriously he is about committing to me and if this is a relationship to last.
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 What would be the particular set of parameters and "rules"? No contact for a pre-determined, definite period of time. Say, 1 month. None at all. No seeing, no texting, no sms, nothing. Total blank and halt to all and any connection. No seeing, dating, talking to, or even thinking about anyone else, at all during that time. A time, venue, place or location on neutral territory to meet up after pre-determined time, to talk about where exactly this period of thought and analysis has brought you. That's how a 'break' SHOULD be agreed. Not this namby-pamby "I'm not sure what I want, I'm confused" rubbish. He knows once we break up there isn't going to be any contact. He said he wanted to keep in touch because he doesn't want for us to totally break up until he knows what he wants ... You see what he's doing here? "I don't want to be with you right now, although I might actually decide I do, in some undetermined point in the future, in the meantime, stick around, be my buddy, wait and see what I want, and then, maybe, who knows? it might get off the ground again, but I'm not sure. So, just hang in there for me, put your life on hold, while I relax and don't feel obligated to reciprocate your feelings" That's what he's doing. We have met a few days ago and we haven't broke up yet.... As I'm writing this down, I feel really stupid and I know I probably should break up with [him], but I can't. Once I make up my mind I feel I'm going to regret my decision. It's not your decision, because he's already done it. You're just hanging on by your fingernails because essentially, you're in denial. You've let him take control. Ans I know him and I genuinely think that his problem his not knowing how seriously he is about committing to me and if this is a relationship to last. There's only one way to find out. Go No Contact, tell him it's over, and you are not going to be put as an option by anyone. If he wildly protests, and begs you to not go, he may be willing to work at it. If he shrugs and essentially says that if this is what you want, he understands, then he's manipulated you into being the dumper. He's got his wish. A break-up without being the bad guy. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Different people try to define these "breaks" differently. TaraMaiden described some options. The reality is they don't work. They cause more problems then they solve. And they are basically training wheels for a full blown break up. The person who is asking for this "break" is trying to determine if they can get their needs met elsewhere. The only thing that fixes a relationship is communication & both people working together to address the issue. If they can't work together, there is no hope for a future. Brace yourself because your relationship is ending. 4
Amelie1980 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 (edited) Ah yes.....the break. I've been on the receiving end of the break. Out of nowhere when there was nothing wrong with the relationship. He continued to text me once or twice a week during the break still using the pet name he had for me and filling it with kisses. The reality was this: He had met someone else he was playing around with her & he wanted to hedge his bets by dating her for a while with me on the back burner so if his new woman wasnt to his liking I would still be there. I didnt find out the truth for a very long time as he got back in touch with me and wasn't careful enough with the dates. He met this woman before our break started. your relationship is over....he is just dragging it out. It is highly likely he has met someone else and his confusion is a sign of that. Particularly so when this has come out of nowhere. Dont be that girl. I would suggest calling his bluff. Say to him: I know you're seeing someone else, let me make this easy for you, Im not having a break, Im dumping you. And then vanish. Just go total NC. Don't answer any texts. You will have become the dumper and taken his power and control away. I WISH I had done this. How f-ing dare he behave this way towards me and how dare your bf think he can ask you to just wait in limbo while he decides if he wants you or not. Edited December 6, 2015 by Amelie1980 1
Nickr3023 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 I too have been on the receiving end of "A break". Yeah it's a breakup. I was stupid enough to go back twice after these breaks. Things feel great for a few weeks after you get back together, but the same problems remain. Don't be stupid like me and go back to what broke you. And don't be someone's second choice. All this wonderful advice I'm giving to you.....I wish I could follow myself, so I understand how hard it is to think logically when your emotions are flying all over the place. 2
newmoon Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 a break is a break-up. his romantic feelings for you have lessened to the point he really doesn't want a relationship with you any longer. it's not a good thing, and not something you should be waiting out. you give him his break and then take a permanent one from him as well. begin to move on right now.
Author blur9 Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 he said he has had the same problem in previous relationship, and end up breaking with the person and regret it after. he said that in the previous relationship he has and the same problem and ignore it and make the other person hating up until she broke with her and he says he doesn't what to do he same to me. When I propose breaking up, he was sad and said why was i asking that and I felt like he didn't want to.. I not going to wait forever, at the end of this week he has to make is decision.... but i don't know what to think. i really think he has meet someone new, because literally one day everything was fine, and the other he starts talking like this
Nickr3023 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 he said he has had the same problem in previous relationship, and end up breaking with the person and regret it after. he said that in the previous relationship he has and the same problem and ignore it and make the other person hating up until she broke with her and he says he doesn't what to do he same to me. When I propose breaking up, he was sad and said why was i asking that and I felt like he didn't want to.. I not going to wait forever, at the end of this week he has to make is decision.... but i don't know what to think. i really think he has meet someone new, because literally one day everything was fine, and the other he starts talking like this Just sounds like someone that isn't ready for a real adult relationship. Cut your losses and move on before you end up getting hurt.
Author blur9 Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 Just sounds like someone that isn't ready for a real adult relationship. Cut your losses and move on before you end up getting hurt. I've already been hurt
Nickr3023 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Then don't go back to what hurt you. It's just opening yourself up to future hurt. And the more times you do it, the harder and harder it gets to move on.
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