Author Gaynor4 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 Honestly, yes I think he is imagining something is wrong or that you are offended. Probably not ignorant. I don't think that will stop him if he wants to be in touch though. So don't worry about it now. Keep moving forward. When there is new information from him, you can handle at that time. You have a loose game plan for him and a determined one for yourself. You're good. I don't know if you're still watching this thread, but I got a message from him this morning. He said he owes me an explanation and that he's been feeling bad about the way he treated me. He said he thought he would be moving away soon and that he found it easier to ignore me rather than keep me hanging on. He said he knows it was selfish. I don't know what to reply with, if anything?
Versacehottie Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 I don't know if you're still watching this thread, but I got a message from him this morning. He said he owes me an explanation and that he's been feeling bad about the way he treated me. He said he thought he would be moving away soon and that he found it easier to ignore me rather than keep me hanging on. He said he knows it was selfish. I don't know what to reply with, if anything? See.....new information. It usually comes eventually and it may never be what you were worried about. To me, being about to move (probably due to all the upheaval and change in his life) is in the category of "not ready". It sounds like it had very little to do with you. I'm glad you had the personal strength to wait and let him contact you, in spite of how much you like him. Ok, what in the world to say back? I think it's important to have clear messages and in this case listening may be more your friend than anything. Some guy came up with the perfect line the other day on this site that you could use: Why the change of heart to get in touch with me now? IDK though. In your case that might put him on the defensive since he already stated his reason in his initial message. Ok I'm sure we can figure this out. Think realistically: what is it that you would want from him that he has the ability to give? ps you don't need to be in a rush to reply 1
Author Gaynor4 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 Thanks for replying. Well I did reply to him last night, I just basically said it would have been better to let me know at the time. He didn't respond so I sent a further question and we had a brief online chat but I could tell he was no longer interested. I wish I hadn't replied really cos I kind of feel worse now. And I think a mutual friend had prompted him to message me in the first place. Guess he's not ready for anything with me but I can't help feeling maybe it'd be another story with someone else. I'll get over it, guess I don't really want a relationship with someone who will just ignore me when he feels like it.
krista28 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Gaynor. You remind me so much of myself. I recenlty ran into a similar situation with a guy I got back in contact with after years apart. He lead me on..made me think we were gonna have something...only to drop it and realize he was too "busy". You know what I did...I told him what a blind idiot he was and that he shouldnt dink women around...and to never talk to me again!!! Im not saying you should do that but if you love yourself and dont be a doormat people will respond accordingly; ). Unfortunately sometimes nice guys finish last.you fif nothing wrong...This guy did something wrong in not appreciating you. If I was you id spare my pride and not contact him again. Either that or you could tell him what an idiot he is...but never beg doll your better than that!!
krista28 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Ohhh that comment changes things... make him make the move ..
frus69 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Maybe he's moving with his ex wife. Anyway it's a pretty coward way to break things. Hope you get better!
keenon Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 He might be moving on, and going back to his ex wife.
Versacehottie Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Thanks for replying. Well I did reply to him last night, I just basically said it would have been better to let me know at the time. He didn't respond so I sent a further question and we had a brief online chat but I could tell he was no longer interested. I wish I hadn't replied really cos I kind of feel worse now. And I think a mutual friend had prompted him to message me in the first place. Guess he's not ready for anything with me but I can't help feeling maybe it'd be another story with someone else. I'll get over it, guess I don't really want a relationship with someone who will just ignore me when he feels like it. You really want to know what I think? Depending on your goal (which I had always took to be was to continue to date him). I think he reached out and you turned a moment that could have been a new starting ground and a positive thing into a chance to berate and scold him and not use it as neutral ground, which to him was likely further proof that he did the right thing. And that you were too needy for his current status. Unless your goal was to tell him off and get smug satisfaction from it (which would have been a good start). I think your real goal as I heard in your previous posts and by you reaching out after he didn't respond to the scolding text, was to continue to date him or get some positive reaction. I think if you want to learn from this for the next time try not to be so sensitive or wait until you are feeling less so to respond to someone. I don't think he handled things perfectly, of course, but you overreacted in the initial problem and to his reach out text. I think there are moments where you have to take the other person's situation into consideration and be reasonable. It feels like you wanted and assumed he mentally was in the position to know and process your new relationship immediately and if he couldn't/didn't it was a diss--that's why you've reacted like this. It totally makes sense why you feel worse. You turned what could have been a good moment of him reaching out into a bad moment for both of you. It's too much drama for a lot of people, and certainly for someone who has just been through the emotional wringer of his life. It may be a little too optimistic to believe your relationship would have picked up where it left off but who knows what the future would have held. If you could have considered things from his perspective, you would have seen that as a 3rd option. (1st option: back together 2nd option: he no longer wants anything with me). A friend may have prompted him to reach out, but he was the one to actually do it. Guaranteed a friend couldn't have pushed him all the way into actually doing it. Doubt he did it because he felt guilty either (may a bit). But people usually do things that have purpose for themselves first. In this case, be back on your radar in a good way was probably his goal. With the reaction he got, he reached the tipping point of this is truly too much trouble. I'm glad you feel settled that he's not the one for you. You did both ignore each other though. I think sometimes wanting a guy to come running after you backfires. Realistically in this case, it is probably too soon for him to be dating. Not emotionally available. Good luck with the next one.
Author Gaynor4 Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 Thanks Krista you're right, I should have really told him what an ass he has been! I am far too nice and true it gets me nowhere. Think I'd have felt better if I'd just told him what I thought of his behaviour. He obviously feels it's ok to treat people without respect. I just won't ever contact him again, I could tell he didn't really want to speak and I guess I don't want to anymore either. Just I think now he'll be safe in the knowledge that I seemed OK about things, urgh. Oh well. Wish I was more like you and gave him what for! Maybe next time! I guess we all have to learn from stuff. 1
Author Gaynor4 Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 You really want to know what I think? Depending on your goal (which I had always took to be was to continue to date him). I think he reached out and you turned a moment that could have been a new starting ground and a positive thing into a chance to berate and scold him and not use it as neutral ground, which to him was likely further proof that he did the right thing. And that you were too needy for his current status. Unless your goal was to tell him off and get smug satisfaction from it (which would have been a good start). I think your real goal as I heard in your previous posts and by you reaching out after he didn't respond to the scolding text, was to continue to date him or get some positive reaction. I think if you want to learn from this for the next time try not to be so sensitive or wait until you are feeling less so to respond to someone. I don't think he handled things perfectly, of course, but you overreacted in the initial problem and to his reach out text. I think there are moments where you have to take the other person's situation into consideration and be reasonable. It feels like you wanted and assumed he mentally was in the position to know and process your new relationship immediately and if he couldn't/didn't it was a diss--that's why you've reacted like this. It totally makes sense why you feel worse. You turned what could have been a good moment of him reaching out into a bad moment for both of you. It's too much drama for a lot of people, and certainly for someone who has just been through the emotional wringer of his life. It may be a little too optimistic to believe your relationship would have picked up where it left off but who knows what the future would have held. If you could have considered things from his perspective, you would have seen that as a 3rd option. (1st option: back together 2nd option: he no longer wants anything with me). A friend may have prompted him to reach out, but he was the one to actually do it. Guaranteed a friend couldn't have pushed him all the way into actually doing it. Doubt he did it because he felt guilty either (may a bit). But people usually do things that have purpose for themselves first. In this case, be back on your radar in a good way was probably his goal. With the reaction he got, he reached the tipping point of this is truly too much trouble. I'm glad you feel settled that he's not the one for you. You did both ignore each other though. I think sometimes wanting a guy to come running after you backfires. Realistically in this case, it is probably too soon for him to be dating. Not emotionally available. Good luck with the next one. I honestly didn't scold or berate him. I tried to say it in as nice a way as I could, just that well yes I had found his behaviour confusing, and it would have been better if he'd told me at the time, cos I'd have understood. I then went on to ask him how he was etc. I felt that, in my response, I had to somehow get across the point that I was a little upset by his behaviour, and I still tried to do that in the nicest possible way. Yes I did want to continue to date him, I was responsive to him and I wasn't aggressive. I do see what you mean, but I tried to handle it the best way I could. I don't know, maybe it was wrong. :/ guess it's not meant to be or it wouldn't be this hard.
Versacehottie Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I honestly didn't scold or berate him. I tried to say it in as nice a way as I could, just that well yes I had found his behaviour confusing, and it would have been better if he'd told me at the time, cos I'd have understood. I then went on to ask him how he was etc. I felt that, in my response, I had to somehow get across the point that I was a little upset by his behaviour, and I still tried to do that in the nicest possible way. Yes I did want to continue to date him, I was responsive to him and I wasn't aggressive. I do see what you mean, but I tried to handle it the best way I could. I don't know, maybe it was wrong. :/ guess it's not meant to be or it wouldn't be this hard. hmmm maybe I misunderstood how you reacted to him reaching out. Yes, I agree sometimes we just do the best we can--which has been my own situation too at times. I don't know if I would put such a fatalistic spin on things though ("not meant to be or it wouldn't be that hard"), I think this black and white thinking, thinking that the answer has already been determined in some way makes the outcome less in of your control and part of the reason for this predicament. Also it seemed like you wanted him to "know" at a point in time, which just isn't the way it goes a lot of the time--especially in his case. Going in with someone just out of a serious relationship or a marriage without a reasonable amount of time, is about one of the biggest relationship risks you can take. If I had been in your shoes, I probably would have taken the risk too but you just have to temper your expectations. In my experience, not much happens like it does in the movies. I think when you say you were not aggressive and that you are typically too nice this is also part of the problem--it seems like that's the attitude of someone who lets the other person hold all the cards and thinks that they have the end point figured out and results in a lot of passive aggressive behavior and trying to figure out his motives (and imagining some pretty bad things)--instead of just stating your position and seeing if he can live up. It's a shift that will work wonders if it makes sense to you. I think it's not important to hate this guy. He didn't do anything wrong--other than a typical fade (which as I pointed out you started). The man-hating thing and making all sorts of negative assumptions is part of what started this problem and will haunt you in future relationships. You sound like a nice person. I hope you don't let this affect you too much or color your attitude with guys. Good luck on the next one. 1
krista28 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I dont know I have a different opinion on the matter. I think you had a right to say why you were upset...you know you dont deserve that. No you two werent in a relationship but you are if value and you are important as well. You matter. He didnt treat you with respect and you questioned it. It sounds like maybe a mutual friend mentioned howyou were feeling and ge felt bad and maybe things with whatever he was doing werent working out. I dont know gaynor if I was you id let it slide I know it's hard im facing the sae thing bit believe me if you ignore him...hell see what he lost... 2
krista28 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Sorry for spelling mistakes.... I am on my phone.
Akashsingh Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Probably too much going on in his mind. It has to be reciprocal feeling.
Author Gaynor4 Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 Yeah, I'm not going to let it affect future relationships, hopefully everyone is different! No one knows how to handle situations perfectly I guess all we can do is our best and learn from mistakes. I am often too nice with people, I do hate confrontation and I have trouble being honest about my feelings sometimes. It may even be that he doesn't even know how much I like him...oh well. I don't think badly of him really, I'm just a bit hurt and disappointed, guess he didn't mean for that but hey... This may sound sad but I would still like to stay in touch with him as I thought we did connect so well, I miss talking to him. Do you think it would be weird to reach out to him in the future in a friendly way? And yeah Krista I do think I needed to address his behaviour to an extent, not everyone would be so understanding! I hope you are feeling ok about your situation too. It just hurts when people don't treat us how we would like. Seems to happen to me each time and it's easy to give up hope in finding anyone who's right.
smackie9 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 It's possible you were a rebound, and he was ashamed to admit it to you that he made a mistake. Don't keep in touch.....you need to emotionally remove yourself from this guy. Save your dignity. If you stop being a push over/hopeful/give the benefit of a doubt, this pattern of rejection with stop.
Author Gaynor4 Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 Yeah, maybe I was a rebound. I suppose I'll never really know. Do you think I somehow caused the rejection by being too understanding? Argh I need to learn how to be a bitch! Just doesn't come naturally unfortunately:/.
krista28 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Gaynor im just like you. Too nice and I always go for the reaaly bad kinda guys . Ones who ate players and will never settle down. Im facing a similar situation. With my guy jve kist decided im not talking to him anymore and should he ever try to contact him I will ignore abd then politely deny. That gets em more than anything. All you can do now is ignore...
katiegrl Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 (edited) I dont know I have a different opinion on the matter. I think you had a right to say why you were upset...you know you dont deserve that. No you two werent in a relationship but you are if value and you are important as well. You matter. He didnt treat you with respect and you questioned it. It sounds like maybe a mutual friend mentioned howyou were feeling and ge felt bad and maybe things with whatever he was doing werent working out. I dont know gaynor if I was you id let it slide I know it's hard im facing the sae thing bit believe me if you ignore him...hell see what he lost... I agree with this ^^, and to Versacehottie ...what what you have done after being treated so dismissively and disrespectfully...tell him "hey no worries, no biggee"? Gaynor did absolutely the right thing by speaking up! Is that not what we are always encouraging women to do....speak up? As opposed to remaining passive and "making nice" when a man treats us poorly and then comes back apologizing? It is imperative she tell him how it made her feel, otherwise she comes across as a doormat and pushover. We teach people how to treat us through our actions and responses. If he can't handle it ...and never calls again...good riddence! When we feel disrespected, we speak up and say so! Not in an aggressive manner ....the way Gaynor let him know was perfect! I am really surprised at your posts V. Edited December 24, 2015 by katiegrl
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