Why did he just stop talking to me?

[Gaynor4]

I was seeing a guy for about a month, we met through mutual friends and really seemed to click. He seemed really interested in me. He's got quite a busy job and lives quite a distance away so it was sometimes hard to see each other but we would keep in touch each day, we initiated contact equally.

He did mention his ex wife once or twice however, friends told me that they split a year ago after a 4 year relationship, as she left him for another man. I think she is now single.

Things seemed to be going well after our last date, he kept in touch but didn't suggest meeting again. When I did he didn't suggest anything. And then his communication seemed to get less frequent. After a week I thought this unusual as he has been contacting me each day, so I messaged him, how are you etc?He replied quickly enough, answered my questions about how he had been but at the end of the message he said his ex was coming over as they had things to sort out.

I know they still have a few money issues but there's no children involved or anything.

I didn't respond, I took this as him telling me to stay away. He didn't ask me any questions. Was I right to not reply? It's been three weeks now since I heard from him. I really liked him but I don't know what else I can do?any advice?

[TaraMaiden2]

Yup.

Give up.

He's reconciled with his ex.

Or at least, mover a great deal further with her than he ever would with you.

If a guy is interested, you'll know it.

 

If a guy isn't interested.... well.... he won't tell you.

He will leave you to pick up that snippet on your own.

 

You're on your own.

[Gaynor4]

I know, I think that's what's happened too.

I just feel hurt that he came on so strong in the beginning and I thought he was genuinely a good guy. I guess I was used as a rebound, and it feels bad. I thought maybe he's have at least had the decency to tell me it wasn't anything I did, cos somehow that's how it feels. I can't help downing on myself.

[Zippy2000]

I'd leave this one alone. He's already mentioned his ex wife. If I was interested in someone I wouldn't mention this to a new prospective partner.

 

He's also mentioning he has to sort things out with his ex wife. How? Why? They've separated for a year.

 

He's left it in the open. If he comes sniffing back after a month or two then proceed with caution.

 

Four years with his ex was a long time and there's bound to be history. He's tried to date you and found out your not the one for him.

 

He's less of a man for not having the balls to tell you where you stand. Do you really want that from someone who disrepute you in the very beginning?

[Triface Janus]

Okay first never assume anything about what a man is doing! we are working with a totally different set of rules and if you really like this guy then you are going to need to make it very clear to him your intentions.

 

Second, I need to know if you have had sex with him or not? If you had sex and then he stopped talking then it stands to reason that he was only after the sex or the sex was somehow not what he was expecting.

 

If you didn't have sex then he may have lost interest or had those needs met somewhere else not nessarily with his Ex. Sex is a very strong bonding mechanism, I'm not saying you HAVE to have sex to keep him but there needs to be something keeping him coming back to you.

 

If he did go back to his Ex, which has happened, you want to hear it from him.

So what I would do is go see him in person if possible, if not CALL him and ask him straight up "Are you seeing someone else?"

It also matters if you two have expressed a desire to be exclusive?

But talk to him! if you like him if you want this relationship to go somewhere you have to let him know he has value to you and you want to continue seeing him.

 

Don't just give up. With that being said the fact that 3 weeks has gone by and he has not contacted you, may mean something, so don't get your hopes up. But remember you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

[mrldii]

Personally, for me and IMHO, it doesn't really much matter why a guy I've just begun getting to know suddenly stops [returning] contact -

 

reconciliation with wife/ex-lover, interest in someone else, work's got him busy, just joined a monastery, he's trapped in his rolled-over-vehicle with the wheels still spinning in mid-air -

 

the fact that he's no longer in contact means we're no longer relating

 

so there's no reason to continue to act like I'm in a relationship with him.

 

 

 

Good luck to you, OP...

[Glitters]

It was only a month ,so no big deal. There could be hundreds of reasons and non of them could be about you !

Let go.

[Gaynor4]

Okay first never assume anything about what a man is doing! we are working with a totally different set of rules and if you really like this guy then you are going to need to make it very clear to him your intentions.

 

Second, I need to know if you have had sex with him or not? If you had sex and then he stopped talking then it stands to reason that he was only after the sex or the sex was somehow not what he was expecting.

 

If you didn't have sex then he may have lost interest or had those needs met somewhere else not nessarily with his Ex. Sex is a very strong bonding mechanism, I'm not saying you HAVE to have sex to keep him but there needs to be something keeping him coming back to you.

 

If he did go back to his Ex, which has happened, you want to hear it from him.

So what I would do is go see him in person if possible, if not CALL him and ask him straight up "Are you seeing someone else?"

It also matters if you two have expressed a desire to be exclusive?

But talk to him! if you like him if you want this relationship to go somewhere you have to let him know he has value to you and you want to continue seeing him.

 

Don't just give up. With that being said the fact that 3 weeks has gone by and he has not contacted you, may mean something, so don't get your hopes up. But remember you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

We did have sex the last time we were both pretty drunk I wish I hadn't . But he still seemed to like me afterwards? I feel bad that I let it happen now.

I feel like too much time has passed now to speak to him. And I don't want to make an idiot of myself !

[brokengirl85]

stay away from guys who have not yet resolved his emotional life with their exes.

 

Always

[smackie9]

It wasn't like you failed, or he used you. Sadly it was circumstances got in the way. You or even him didn't have any way of knowing what was going to happen.....it probably took one phone call from his ex for the emotional flood gates to open. History over ruled, a new relationship. It sucks, and IMO he was a coward to not be honest with you. He knows this is bad and probably feels guilty for what has happened, but he made his choice.

 

 

 

I bet money on it if you both were more settled into a solid relationship he would have told is ex "so sorry, I have moved on". There just wasn't enough time invested. Most would say he was "fresh" out of a relationship, but a year has past and you would think that is enough time for someone to move on. I don't think that is the contributing factor here.....it's the fact he had to leave the relationship because she cheated on him and she chose to go with new BF. He wasn't the one that emotionally left the relationship, it was her, so he still had unresolved feelings for her. Believe it or not, most couples do reconcile after an infidelity, that it actually brings them closer than they ever have been.

 

I hope you feel better soon and enjoy the holiday season with good friends and family and put this experience behind you.

[xcupid]

Move on. He's no longer interested for whatever reason.

[Gaynor4]

It wasn't like you failed, or he used you. Sadly it was circumstances got in the way. You or even him didn't have any way of knowing what was going to happen.....it probably took one phone call from his ex for the emotional flood gates to open. History over ruled, a new relationship. It sucks, and IMO he was a coward to not be honest with you. He knows this is bad and probably feels guilty for what has happened, but he made his choice.

 

 

 

I bet money on it if you both were more settled into a solid relationship he would have told is ex "so sorry, I have moved on". There just wasn't enough time invested. Most would say he was "fresh" out of a relationship, but a year has past and you would think that is enough time for someone to move on. I don't think that is the contributing factor here.....it's the fact he had to leave the relationship because she cheated on him and she chose to go with new BF. He wasn't the one that emotionally left the relationship, it was her, so he still had unresolved feelings for her. Believe it or not, most couples do reconcile after an infidelity, that it actually brings them closer than they ever have been.

 

I hope you feel better soon and enjoy the holiday season with good friends and family and put this experience behind you.

Thank you... I think this is true. It sucks and it hurts but I suppose I have to get over it. Just feels bad xx

[smackie9]

Thank you... I think this is true. It sucks and it hurts but I suppose I have to get over it. Just feels bad xx

awww I'm so sorry you are hurting, I would be totally gutted too....chin up, you will meet someone soon enough. Walk with a smile on your face everywhere you go, someone will notice you!

[Gaynor4]

awww I'm so sorry you are hurting, I would be totally gutted too....chin up, you will meet someone soon enough. Walk with a smile on your face everywhere you go, someone will notice you!

Just feel like this kind of thing always happens. There's always someone better. Thank you though, il be fine just got to keep my head up I guess. I don't know for sure he's back with the ex but my gut tells me. Feels worse that I've had no explanation from him, I'm just expected to be quiet and go away xx

[smackie9]

He knows how you must be hurting, disappointed, even upset.....he's a coward. He can't own it, which makes him irresponsible. You dodge a bullet.

[Versacehottie]

I was seeing a guy for about a month, we met through mutual friends and really seemed to click. He seemed really interested in me. He's got quite a busy job and lives quite a distance away so it was sometimes hard to see each other but we would keep in touch each day, we initiated contact equally.

He did mention his ex wife once or twice however, friends told me that they split a year ago after a 4 year relationship, as she left him for another man. I think she is now single.

Things seemed to be going well after our last date, he kept in touch but didn't suggest meeting again. When I did he didn't suggest anything. And then his communication seemed to get less frequent. After a week I thought this unusual as he has been contacting me each day, so I messaged him, how are you etc?He replied quickly enough, answered my questions about how he had been but at the end of the message he said his ex was coming over as they had things to sort out.

I know they still have a few money issues but there's no children involved or anything.

I didn't respond, I took this as him telling me to stay away. He didn't ask me any questions. Was I right to not reply? It's been three weeks now since I heard from him. I really liked him but I don't know what else I can do?any advice?

 

Can I just point out the obvious? That technically, you stopped talking to him. If you didn't respond to his last text message and you normally would have, well.... BTW, I don't think you did anything wrong and I think not responding just forced the issue of whether or not he was really ready for a relationship. I think though if you wanted to talk to him or keep the communication going (maybe not right at that moment) but it would have been better to directly tell him your thoughts (briefly!).

 

The passive-agressive stuff sometimes backfires--as in, it does not generate the response you had hoped or you are left in a holding pattern or wondering. Now that things are like this, definitely I would not contact and if he does just tell him what made you lose touch from your end. My gut feeling is that you should move on. I don't know that he is back with his ex wife. Pretty major to call time on a marriage and usually lots of thought have gone into it so my guess would be: not back with the wife. BUT it doesn't mean that he doesn't have unresolved feelings about the relationship, wants to enjoy being single and has a lot to process personally. If they are still sorting out money issues (without kids involved), it has to have been recent enough that he is "not ready". Consider yourself lucky if you have not wasted more than a month on a "not ready" guy. Good luck; hope you find a lovely and ready one. <3

[Gaynor4]

I know, it was me who stopped talking technically... But I just didn't know how to respond to that message. I felt like I would have just been obviously trying to prolong the conversation when he didn't seem to want to, I dunno...I kind of wish I had dared to say what was actually on my mind but I just couldn't. I guess I was trying to hang onto my pride, whatever that means really. And I kind of thought if he wanted to talk to me he would ask something about me, show enthusiasm like he did before. And he didn't.

I know it's pointless going over it all, I just can't help it I guess, because I really did like him.

[Versacehottie]

I know, it was me who stopped talking technically... But I just didn't know how to respond to that message. I felt like I would have just been obviously trying to prolong the conversation when he didn't seem to want to, I dunno...I kind of wish I had dared to say what was actually on my mind but I just couldn't. I guess I was trying to hang onto my pride, whatever that means really. And I kind of thought if he wanted to talk to me he would ask something about me, show enthusiasm like he did before. And he didn't.

I know it's pointless going over it all, I just can't help it I guess, because I really did like him.

 

Well you can say that: that you didn't know how to respond to his last message or that it caught you off guard. Next time it happens with a guy (where they do something you are not liking, trust me, it will) OR if this one gets back in touch. PAUSE and let him fill in the blanks. be a good listener. Don't assume. Be direct if you have questions. A lot of miscommunication can be avoided with this. A lot of relationship problems are caused by miscommunication (and assumptions!) Assumptions feed usually into our fear and insecurities much more heavily than bolstering positive things. Especially at beginning because things are still uncertain and you really don't know a lot about the other person to feel more secure. Bottom line is that the more direct you are, within reason, your value usually goes up in the other person's eyes AND you end up feeling better about yourself. No regrets, you know?

 

I don't think it's pointless going over things. And sure lots others here would say the same. It's all a learning experience: about yourself, about relationships, even about this guy. Information and introspect is valuable. Trust me, pride and playing the game is super important but there are times where it's just as important to speak up and get your needs met. Or even if you don't get where you want to with that person, you don't walk away wondering about your course of action, you know? You can still do the things I'm talking about IF you talk to him again. In general, I think your instinct is right though (about him showing enthusiasm and asking questions) and this is where things stand now. I know I'm making an assumption when I say he probably wasn't ready yet. Let his actions be your guide. Right now without contact he is saying "not ready" or "not open" for a relationship.

 

I do think it's normal that he met up with the ex-wife if they had money stuff to sort out. And to say they got back together may be a little far-fetched (though not impossible), it certainly would have dredged up all his feelings about the relationship. Guys don't like it when they have to tell us something that's uncomfortable but just a fact (meeting up with exwife today to deal with money) and that is met with personal disappointment. So it becomes yet another problem they have to deal with when they really didn't do anything wrong. I think this is where women get the "emotional" label.

 

Idk, but it could also be that he was sharing this info with you so that you could be a source of support for him (without him directly asking for help). He could have also been slowly down contact, nothing to do with you, but because he was processing all his emotional stuff and needs to do that away from a new relationship. Statistically, I think it is a bit soon to be in a new relationship but it doesn't mean he had bad intentions or that the seed isn't being planted for the future. My friend just got engaged to a guy who was only separated when they met. And their wedding is next month. You never know where the future will take you. Hang in there and good luck.

[Triface Janus]

Just feel like this kind of thing always happens. There's always someone better. Thank you though, il be fine just got to keep my head up I guess. I don't know for sure he's back with the ex but my gut tells me. Feels worse that I've had no explanation from him, I'm just expected to be quiet and go away xx

 

I agree with the other's it doesn't matter why he stopped calling, it's nothing you did. He needs to take responsibility for his actions or in this case his in-action. The good thing is that you found out what kind of guy he is now instead of when you are really emotionally invested in the relationship.

 

So take a minute to get your head together and get back out there and treat this as a lesson learned. Don't regret the sex either, it was what it was.

 

The fact that you put this much thought into it and came to a forum for answers shows that your a kind sensitive lady.

 

You WILL find the right person for you, just keep your head up and try again.

Edited December 6, 2015 by Triface Janus
wasn't finished

[Gaynor4]

Thanks for all your advice and insights, you've made me feel a little better about things. I guess u don't expect any more from him. Maybe I misread the situation a lot too. Time will tell if he's back with the ex. It hurts that he just didn't like me enough, but il get over it.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks for all your advice and insights, you've made me feel a little better about things. I guess u don't expect any more from him. Maybe I misread the situation a lot too. Time will tell if he's back with the ex. It hurts that he just didn't like me enough, but il get over it.

 

I really don't think he's back with the ex-wife. Though actually I think that could be the least hurtful thing to be honest. I mean it's somewhat easy to understand objectively if someone just a few months separated, gives the one person that generated enough feelings that he married her another shot. People do that not because she is so special but because they have invested so much of themselves. Like any relationship where people keep going back or give it another chance, it often is is about himself (so he won't be a failure, because his ego and identity is tied up in it) that superceed the relationship itself.

 

I don't know if I expect that you will hear more from him or not. I think the MOST important thing is that you deal with where you are right now. I think the labels and the way you process this current situation have great bearing for YOU in any relationship present and future. So I think it's important to see it for what it likely is: he is not in a place to like ANYONE enough because of his situation. It has nothing to do with you not being able to meet his threshold of liking feelings. His heart and mind are either open or not open.

 

I think a lot of time people on the forum talk about rebounds so negatively and are quick to throw out that label which intensifies the hurt from the person being labeled the reboundee. And of course it sucks to be a rebound. But I think it's important to understand why the rebounder does that so you can walk away without taking it personally or feeling like you aren't good enough. They are hurting so much (even unconsciously) that they basically get a substitute to attempt to recreate the close feelings and activities they had with the previous person. But it's not about the new person, it's an attempt to get to that stage as quickly as possible to get those feelings back--which rarely works because those feelings are a product of the previous relationship. You have to not get down on yourself because likely in his situation his heart was not truly open. He's not in a position to be in a relationship now. Feel better, it's not personal or about you at all.

[Gaynor4]

Thanks for taking the time to respond in such an insightful well thought out way, you've given me a different perspective on things.

You're right, in a way it would be less hurtful if I knew he'd gone back to the ex, at least it's a reason that makes sense.

It does hurt more to think that he acted as though he liked me, and I believed him and went along with him, only to suddenly be pushed away without explanation. It's tough that I'm just left to make more assumptions about him.

Maybe he got cold feet and realised he didn't want a relationship, feels bad to think he just didn't want me. I miss talking to him I want to contact him cos i would even like him as a friend. But that's not going to happen.

I'm just going to keep going ahead, hopefully il forget about this in time. I hope he does understand why I didn't reply last. I guess he will have been relieved though. Oh well. Xx

[Versacehottie]

He probably doesn't know what to say because he doesn't have a grasp on his feelings in total and is lost in general. He thinks you know what you want which makes it even harder to answer your questions that he doesn't know the answers to himself. That and he probably feels guilty and not wanting to be involved in yet more drama. Makes him feel bad and like a failure, which due to break up of marriage he is probably feeling quite a lot already. So he ignores.

 

A lot of times guys avoid the situation thinking avoidance is best course of action and won't mess things up more and can pick it back up and fix things later. They deal with what is right in front of them at the moment. Women typically on the other hand when it comes to relationship stuff often like to get it out and deal with it immediately. I don't want to give you false hope that he will get back in touch but I also wouldn't be surprised for this very reason.

 

Most important thing, is that I like YOUR course of action. You are taking care of the only thing you can control: yourself and moving forward. You'll be fine.

[Gaynor4]

Yeah, I will be ok. I'm getting on with life and it's business as usual got to keep moving forward. I'm not going to expect any contact from him, I guess if he ever does get back to me il be friendly and see what happens. But I haven't got my hopes up.

Do you think I have given the impression that I left things open for him to speak to me again, you don't think I have come across offended or ignorant?

I really do appreciate all the advice on this forum everyone has been so great!

[Versacehottie]

Yeah, I will be ok. I'm getting on with life and it's business as usual got to keep moving forward. I'm not going to expect any contact from him, I guess if he ever does get back to me il be friendly and see what happens. But I haven't got my hopes up.

Do you think I have given the impression that I left things open for him to speak to me again, you don't think I have come across offended or ignorant?

I really do appreciate all the advice on this forum everyone has been so great!

 

Honestly, yes I think he is imagining something is wrong or that you are offended. Probably not ignorant. I don't think that will stop him if he wants to be in touch though. So don't worry about it now. Keep moving forward. When there is new information from him, you can handle at that time. You have a loose game plan for him and a determined one for yourself. You're good.