Telling a close friend how you feel?

[AM56]

I apologize for what will likely be a lengthy post, I just want to make sure all information is given for anyone kind enough to formulate a reply.

 

One of my best friends is a woman I initially met online several years ago, but we have met up in person every year and spent time together. I am about to visit her in a couple of months and spend several days with her. We talk to some degree almost daily and have a great deal in common.

 

The situation is this. Seeing as we are close friends, she has opened up to me about a lot of her past, and I have seen several things unfold since we became friends as well. She comes from a background of having men cheat, lie, and basically just hurt her. This has continued into our friendship and though one might say she is bringing it on herself, I am not so sure. I know pieces about some of the guys she has dated, and frankly, I was shocked myself to see how some of them changed colors and ended up treating her. One day, it seemed to all suddenly hit me how much I cared for this woman more than just a best friend and I found myself coming to realize that I myself had feelings for her. I realized that the anger I had for those who had hurt her wasnt only because I felt sympathy for a close friend and that she deserved so much better, it was because I wished I could be the one who could make her happy, so she wouldnt have to be with someone who would hurt her in those ways again.

 

The question is, I cant seem to decide if it would be right to tell her any of this. We live in different states, and although we are close in friendship, she has never shown any clues that she has even considered me more than a friend. Obviously, there is always the chance that she truly wouldnt be interested, but in this case, I wonder if it could also be that she either has never considered it simply because of the distance or perhaps thinks I wouldnt be interested for the same reason. I will add that if the distance turned out to be the true obstacle, I would find a way to correct that. On paper, it would seem like the perfect time to say something since we are seeing each other soon like I mentioned above, but there is always the fear of rejection and awkwardness since she is a close friend. Any opinions are appreciated.

Edited December 6, 2015 by AM56

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm sorry to ask - are you male or female?

[AM56]

Male. Sorry I did not make that clear.

[TaraMaiden2]

You can see why it would make a difference...

 

Here's the thing: It's a risk.

 

Time and again it's been proven on this forum that women are very comfortable and uninhibited when it comes to forming platonic relationships.

They have no problems being friends with guys, and nothing else.

They're safe, secure that it's all cool, and very relaxed being a buddy.

 

Men? Men have 'the problem'.

'The problem' being that there is a frisson of different attraction, and that many, many times, these guys find themselves being physically and emotionally attracted on a totally different level.

And it complicates things in their minds, because it leaves a huge question mark.

And you just found it.

 

If you don't talk to her, it remains like a festering, simmering pot on the boiler.

If you do tell her, the gasket could blow and whoosh. Stew all over the damn kitchen.

 

What a mess.

 

That's your risk.

Taking EVERYTHING into consideration, ask yourself what you want.

Because obviously, it's not just about her, is it?

[phineas]

OP,

I have many women friends but I never hang out with them one-on-one anymore because it usually led to your situation.

 

Then it went to chit.

 

So I only socialize with women friends/acquaintances in groups or with at least one other as a buffer to keep me from catching feelings for a woman who views me as her guy friend.

 

She isn't into you.

She doesn't flirt with you does she?

probably not.

 

Also, you are a pushover. you tell her what she wants to hear instead of what she needs to hear.

 

A true friend would tell her when she complained about her past men that she needs to stop dating loser's.

That she choose to go out with the guy & choose to keep dating him when she realized what type of guy he was.

She may not talk to you for a while after but she'll respect you a little more.

 

You are probably too available when she needs a shoulder to cry on or bored and don't have many options when it comes to women in general correct?

She isn't going to go for a guy like that.

She likes men other women like & who have things going on in their lives.

 

I've slept with a handful of women friends.

Just hooked up because they showed interest in me after seeing me with other women.

 

I think you should keep your feelings to yourself, get some distance (get "busy")find some hobbies and start going on dates with other women.

If you can't get dates...well if other women arn't interested in you, why would she?

 

Be the type of man women want not stuck in the friendzone having feelings for someone who doesn't even know you are interested (or maybe she does and ignoring it)

 

Also, you live in different states so telling her you have feelings for her would probably freak her out.

 

I know if a female friend who lived at a distance confessed feelings for me i'd probably think she had issues regardless of how attractive she was.

[smackie9]

The above posts are spot on. It's going to be a hit or miss. They don't call it taking a risk for nothing...when you take a risk, there will always be a consequence.....the possibility of losing someone/something.

 

Here is how you can approach this: Don't express your love for her/feelings, that will only knock things out of balance. Before you go home, just tell her that you are interested in taking your friendship to a different level, and ask her to think about it. Leave it in her hands.

[Glitters]

I agree, its a risk. Only you can decide if its worth it or not. If you wont , you will always regret and wonder ' what if '. If you do , that is where the calculated risk comes into play.