CrazyAuntieNay Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 There's this guy at my work, 8 or so years younger than me, married with a couple of kids. We get on really well, I can have a good conversation with him, have a good laugh with him and he can dish out the stirring as well as take what I give back. I'll be perfectly honest in admitting that I have developed a bit of a crush on him. I don't think it's mutual, one of the things that he ribs me about is that I'm old, and the girls that come into work that he checks out are younger than him. I wouldn't take it any further anyway, on the off chance the situation ever happened. My husband is my best mate, and even though I've lost any physical attraction to him (way before starting this job. He's 10 years older than me and has let himself go size wise, he's double the weight that he was when we met), but I still love him to bits and would never do anything to hurt him, my kids or my workmates family. This post is as more about holding myself accountable (if by the slightest chance it is a mutual thing) than it is about seeking advice - all advice is welcome though. Yesterday, when he was leaving, (he works different hours to me) I was at my window waiting to serve a customer, he caught my eye, as he always does, and I looked him in the eyes and smiled like I always do. Normally he smiles and waves back, but yesterday, he had this odd look on his face, but he held my gaze as he walked past.....right down to both of us turning our heads to keep looking. I'm thinking one of two things, either he was staring because I looked like a complete dimwit, or it clicked that I'm crushing on him. Either way, I'm dreading going to work tomorrow. They say that there's no fool like an old fool, and right now, I'm feeling like a fool.
avatarrules123 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 At least you're realizing that what you're doing is wrong; most people would just go with it. Just looking at someone is one thing, but if you're thinking about taking it any farther than that, you need to step back. Have you ever thought about playing it out in your mind, what would happen if you went through with this? Think about crushing on this guy and either him rebuffing you or your husband finding out. Would you want to put your husband through that suffering? You always need to finish the fantasy, don't just stop at the part that feels/looks the best. And if he's married, and you're married, you really need to rethink your priorities. "Till death do you part." Take your vows seriously; or don't take them at all.
Author CrazyAuntieNay Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 William......Cougar?? Hardly how I'd describe myself lol. I have spoken to him plenty of times about his weight, but until the day that he wakes up and realises that he's the only one who can change himself, there is nothing more that I can do. He gets healthy food at home, but I can't control what he puts in his mouth while he's at work for 12 hours of the day. Avatar. Did you not read the part where I said that I would not do anything to hurt my husband? As for not taking my wedding vows seriously, we've been married for almost 15 years, longer than most marriages last nowadays, if sex was the only thing holding our marriage together, it would have ended 2 years ago. Having a crush while you're married is not the end of a marriage, hell my dh has a crush on one of the guys at his work. If anything, I'm embarrassed more than anything else, getting caught out crushing on a guy like a silly little teenager at my age!
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Honestly? I would just go to work and act like nothing happened. Because nothing did. It was just a flirting game, same as you've been playing in the past, only because no words were exchanged, it made it weird. Just go to work, shrug it off, and act normal. You're a mature, married woman who would never act on anything. He's a younger, married guy with a family. It's just silliness. I hate to say this to a fellow older woman, but - grow up. You're on the verge of starting fantasies and this will simply lead to crushing disappointment and unfulfilled dreams. On a completely different (yet connected) tangent, I'll be honest with you. When you're a sexy animal and you still have it in you to crush on guys, (and have it reciprocated) it's soul-destroying to know the guy at home has no interest in you physically, and has disrespected himself so much as to let himself go, to such an unattractive extent. You're still horny. But your husband has cornered you into being an unwilling celibate. Much as you may love your husband, sex isn't everything, yadah yadah yadah, the fact still remains. Much as you'd like it, you ain't getting none. And consider this: You will never, ever have sex again, with anyone. Your life will always be totally sexless from the very last time you had sex with your husband (do you actually remember exactly when that was?). And that's his doing. I'm sorry, but there's a degree of selfishness on his part, that opens up doors of flirtation for you. And while you still got it, you will always remain in a frustrated state of limbo: faithful, loyal, companionable and comfortable. But unfulfilled. Take it from one who knows, ok?
Author CrazyAuntieNay Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 TaraMaiden2 I actually can lol. Come the 14th of this month it's been 2 years - the last time I had been drinking and I fell pregnant with our youngest child. He's not withholding, I am. The thought of having sex with him actually makes me nauseous. As for being unfulfilled, sex has always been something that I could take or leave, it's never been mind blowing, with dh or any other partners prior. Can't miss what you never had I guess. Flirting, it's an ego boost, nothing more. About 4 years ago I lost 100lb, and started getting a whole heap of attention that I'd never had and I quite enjoy it. Immature I know, but it is what it is. Leaving isn't an option. We have young kids, I can't afford to support them on my own, even with child support. So I plod along in my own little existence, not ecstatically happy, but not completely miserable either. As for the guy at work, he's a natural born flirt and I don't take it seriously.
preraph Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Technically, eight years is nothing. I bet the women he's eyeballing are at least 8 years younger than him! But that is the thing you need to pay attention to. He's openly eyeing younger women at work and maybe you too. In my mind, the most likely scenario here if you got weak and gave in to temptation would be that it would be nothing more than an affair and then he'd be back at work eyeing younger women as usual and if you feel awkward going to work tomorrow, think how awkward you'd feel after that! Be sure you're taking care of your own sexual needs and not letting that build up, even if it's by yourself and not with your husband. Keep that under control. You say you still love your husband to pieces, but if it gets to where you are feeling cut off from him and lonely (like because he's not getting sex from you and alienates you), then it may be time to take drastic steps. You can't make someone lose weight. All you can do is cook healthier stuff and encourage them to go on walks. But it takes way more than that to lose real weight. I know because I have done it in the past (and gained it all back).
winny Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Its fine to have little bit of a crush on someone. Just go to work and behave as if nothing happened.
Samhain Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Having a crush on someone maybe is fine, bu saying your husband makes you nauseous physically to think of having sex with him isn't. Maybe you should disclose this information to him so you can go your separate ways before he has to deal with your infidelity as well as being sickening to you physically.
Samhain Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Honestly? I would just go to work and act like nothing happened. Because nothing did. It was just a flirting game, same as you've been playing in the past, only because no words were exchanged, it made it weird. Just go to work, shrug it off, and act normal. You're a mature, married woman who would never act on anything. He's a younger, married guy with a family. It's just silliness. I hate to say this to a fellow older woman, but - grow up. You're on the verge of starting fantasies and this will simply lead to crushing disappointment and unfulfilled dreams. On a completely different (yet connected) tangent, I'll be honest with you. When you're a sexy animal and you still have it in you to crush on guys, (and have it reciprocated) it's soul-destroying to know the guy at home has no interest in you physically, and has disrespected himself so much as to let himself go, to such an unattractive extent. You're still horny. But your husband has cornered you into being an unwilling celibate. Much as you may love your husband, sex isn't everything, yadah yadah yadah, the fact still remains. Much as you'd like it, you ain't getting none. And consider this: You will never, ever have sex again, with anyone. Your life will always be totally sexless from the very last time you had sex with your husband (do you actually remember exactly when that was?). And that's his doing. I'm sorry, but there's a degree of selfishness on his part, that opens up doors of flirtation for you. And while you still got it, you will always remain in a frustrated state of limbo: faithful, loyal, companionable and comfortable. But unfulfilled. Take it from one who knows, ok? Ah but she's made it clear he isn't the one withholding sex. She is. Because he makes her "nauseous" .. Let himself go maybe.. But isn't it for better or worse? You can lead a horse to water etc... Sure.. But if somebody stays married to you you should expect the marriage vows to still be respected. Otherwise leave the marriage. So he really is the victim here.
Author CrazyAuntieNay Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Ah but she's made it clear he isn't the one withholding sex. She is. Because he makes her "nauseous" .. Let himself go maybe.. But isn't it for better or worse? You can lead a horse to water etc... Sure.. But if somebody stays married to you you should expect the marriage vows to still be respected. Otherwise leave the marriage. So he really is the victim here. And tell me, how exactly is "letting yourself go" to the point that doctor has told you that you're a heart attack waiting to happen, but refusing to give up your favorite, unhealthy foods, or get off the couch and do some exercise, knowing that every day that you do this you are one step closer to leaving your wife a widow, and your 4 young children without a father, being respectful to HIS vows? I'm not talking about a 20lb weight gain here, he's put on well over 150lb. And yes, he knows exactly why I have no interest, but yet, he doesn't care. Does it make me feel good that food and tv are more important to my husband than his wife and kids? No it f**king well doesn't. Does it feel good to imagine for a second that a younger guy could find me attractive? Yes it f**king well does. Does it mean I'm going to act on it? No it f**king well doesn't.
Samhain Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Like I said, if you're upset to the point that outside influences are endearing to you and he makes you "nauseous sexually, leave the marriage, until then, you can talk about how terrible he is but you won't look any less terrible than his choices are.
Author CrazyAuntieNay Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Like I said, if you're upset to the point that outside influences are endearing to you and he makes you "nauseous sexually, leave the marriage, until then, you can talk about how terrible he is but you won't look any less terrible than his choices are. I'm sorry, but I have to totally disagree with you. A marriage that works well in nearly every other aspect is not something to throw away. You can have a good marriage without sex, but even the best sex can't save a crappy marriage. Just because he's an ass about his weight doesn't mean that I don't love him. If I didn't love him I wouldn't be on his case to do something about it. If I didn't love him, I would have walked away years ago. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't have come here and laid out my personal issues to be ripped to shreds.
Samhain Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I'm sorry, but I have to totally disagree with you. A marriage that works well in nearly every other aspect is not something to throw away. You can have a good marriage without sex, but even the best sex can't save a crappy marriage. Just because he's an ass about his weight doesn't mean that I don't love him. If I didn't love him I wouldn't be on his case to do something about it. If I didn't love him, I would have walked away years ago. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't have come here and laid out my personal issues to be ripped to shreds. Your personal issues were that you were into a guy younger than you, if this guy had made a move on you, your personal issues would be "i'm, cheating what should I do"
Samhain Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Plus my answer was in regards to you saying your husband made you feel nauseous sexually.. And that IS an issue.
Author CrazyAuntieNay Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Your personal issues were that you were into a guy younger than you, if this guy had made a move on you, your personal issues would be "i'm, cheating what should I do" My personal issues are that I'm attracted to a younger guy. Period. When I realized that the younger guy may have figured it out, I felt like an absolute idiot. It most definitely was not something that I wanted him to know. I posted in the hope that putting my issues out there would help me to work through them, in (what I thought would be) a safe environment, where I wouldn't have to ask any of our friends to keep secrets from my husband for me. For him to find out that I was attracted to another man would completely destroy any self esteem that he has left. I've since figured out that I should have put this post in a different part of the forum.
Samhain Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I'm not trying to make you feel any worse, and you posted in the right place, but these are the answers you're gonna get wherever you post.
Author CrazyAuntieNay Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 I'm not trying to make you feel any worse, and you posted in the right place, but these are the answers you're gonna get wherever you post. I'm going to argue with you again lol. Posting in this section makes it look like I want to cheat and gives people the wrong idea from the moment they start reading it. The difference, I guess between me being seen as a predatory, sexually frustrated housewife looking for someone to say "Go ahead and cheat, you've earned it", and someone who is desperately trying to hold on to what could very well be a soon to be failed marriage.
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