Does she just want to be friends now? Or is she trying to keep her options open?

December 6, 2015

Me and this girl were seeing eachother. For the time we were seeing eachother i'd say we were friends with benefits since we did hook up a few times. We met in early November. (she initiated the first date) and we continued seeing eachother for the following three weeks. I went to her house and every time I went there we slept together.

She then randomly ran into her ex who lives about an hour away who she never thought she would even see again, they hung out and hooked up and she says theyre "trying to work things back together." apparently she never wanted to break up with him the first time but at the time there were irreconcilable problems. But theyre trying again.

While it was a big slap in my face, when she told me this news she also told me it wouldn't be right for me and her to continue talking. She also said she wouldn't want me to wait around for her because she says I deserve to be "happy." She kept saying how bad she felt and how she really did like me. Then, several days later, she texted me out of the blue to see how I was doing. She then texted me a few days after that, asking the same thing. I told her not to text me out of pity. She said she wasn't texting me out of pity she wants to still be "friendly". I've been having problems in my life and she still talks all caring like she did when we were seeing eachother.

What do you think her intentions are? Does she just want to be friends or is she trying to keep me as an option in case her relationship falls through again?

December 6, 2015

She's absolutely keeping you around as an option.

Don't respond to her next time. If she was so willing to give it another go with her ex, it means she wasn't fully over him in the first place.

December 6, 2015

She then randomly ran into her ex who lives about an hour away who she never thought she would even see again, they hung out and hooked up and she says theyre "trying to work things back together." apparently she never wanted to break up with him the first time but at the time there were irreconcilable problems. But theyre trying again.

She's invested in her ex, not you. Move on.

December 6, 2015

What do you think her intentions are? Does she just want to be friends or is she trying to keep me as an option in case her relationship falls through again?

Bingo! That is exactly what she is doing. You're the backup guy if things don't work out with her ex. She is being very careful with her words, trying to keep you interested just enough to keep the door open.

December 6, 2015

Lose her number and don't text back.

December 6, 2015

Question is, what do you want? You called her a FWB. Did you ever want more? If so, then why not make her your girlfriend when you had a chance?

From what you've said, she knows that you want a real relationship, but she saw you as a nice guy who she was willing to have sex with, but nothing more.

So, will you be happy to have her as an occassional hookup moving forward, or will it torture you to not be her boyfriend?

In other words, you can choose whether you want to keep her around for sex, or push her out of your life altogether.

December 6, 2015

You were not exclusive so anyone of you could have bailed at anytime without obligation. She was honest with you about ending it and why....most don't even get that.

Some girls are just like that...they don't mind being emotionally attached without romantic obligations. She liked your company, so she offers friendship. It's not always about "keeping you as an option." remember girl's brains work differently/it doesn't always mean she wasn't to selfishly keep you around.

Obviously you were more emotionally invested so of course you are a little miffed by being dumped. So now you can make the decision to just tell her to stop communicating with you if you feel that is best for you to move on. The guys on here don't want you to end up being her patsy.

December 7, 2015

Me and this girl were seeing eachother. For the time we were seeing eachother i'd say we were friends with benefits since we did hook up a few times. We met in early November. (she initiated the first date) and we continued seeing eachother for the following three weeks. I went to her house and every time I went there we slept together.

She then randomly ran into her ex who lives about an hour away who she never thought she would even see again, they hung out and hooked up and she says theyre "trying to work things back together." apparently she never wanted to break up with him the first time but at the time there were irreconcilable problems. But theyre trying again.

While it was a big slap in my face, when she told me this news she also told me it wouldn't be right for me and her to continue talking. She also said she wouldn't want me to wait around for her because she says I deserve to be "happy." She kept saying how bad she felt and how she really did like me. Then, several days later, she texted me out of the blue to see how I was doing. She then texted me a few days after that, asking the same thing. I told her not to text me out of pity. She said she wasn't texting me out of pity she wants to still be "friendly". I've been having problems in my life and she still talks all caring like she did when we were seeing eachother.

What do you think her intentions are? Does she just want to be friends or is she trying to keep me as an option in case her relationship falls through again?

You are plan B in case her and the Ex do not work out again...just keep in mind that she was pretty fast to cast you aside once she reconnected with the ex so you will only hear from her if she has second thoughts or her and the ex get into a disagreement. Just cut contact with her.

December 10, 2015

i hope one day we can hang out and hook up again

December 10, 2015

you are "option open". I actually don't think it's the worst thing in the world under the circumstances. If she has unresolved feelings, and there is much more of a history there, those feelings are going to be stronger and displace any she has for you until they get resolved. And luck is on your side: people usually break up because things are broken. so it may just be a matter of time. Big note though: I wouldn't stay too friendly with her in the meantime because then it's too convenient and there's little motivation for her to change anything with her current situation since she is getting best of both worlds and the ego boost of two guys into her. Create distance. It's the healthiest thing for you anyway since there's no guarantee they WON'T work out. If she is checking in on you 3 days after she got back with ex, she is conflicted. And when that implodes, she will likely be back again. You don't need to be right there to be on her mind. Basically you will be because you are the antithesis of her bf and she was unfinished exploring the potential with you. Good luck. Oh and date others in the meantime!

December 10, 2015

Me and this girl were seeing eachother. For the time we were seeing eachother i'd say we were friends with benefits since we did hook up a few times. We met in early November. (she initiated the first date) and we continued seeing eachother for the following three weeks. I went to her house and every time I went there we slept together.

She then randomly ran into her ex who lives about an hour away who she never thought she would even see again, they hung out and hooked up and she says theyre "trying to work things back together." apparently she never wanted to break up with him the first time but at the time there were irreconcilable problems. But theyre trying again.

While it was a big slap in my face, when she told me this news she also told me it wouldn't be right for me and her to continue talking. She also said she wouldn't want me to wait around for her because she says I deserve to be "happy." She kept saying how bad she felt and how she really did like me. Then, several days later, she texted me out of the blue to see how I was doing. She then texted me a few days after that, asking the same thing. I told her not to text me out of pity. She said she wasn't texting me out of pity she wants to still be "friendly". I've been having problems in my life and she still talks all caring like she did when we were seeing eachother. And she told me "I never said that I dont like you or that I dont think about you. Its just a really rough situation."

What do you think her intentions are? Does she just want to be friends or is she trying to keep me as an option in case her relationship falls through again?

Does she just want to be friends now? Or is she trying to keep her options open? -- This is a difference without a distinction. Move on.

December 10, 2015

Bro, she's just stringing you along and dangling enough cheese just to keep you interested while getting her mouth stuffed with her ex's cawk.

Don't be an option. Be someone's priority.

Tell her "Thank you for the text but I would much rather move on in peace."

Any further text should be ignored or blocked. Classic case of a girl wanting to eat her cake and have it.

December 10, 2015

you are "option open". I actually don't think it's the worst thing in the world under the circumstances. If she has unresolved feelings, and there is much more of a history there, those feelings are going to be stronger and displace any she has for you until they get resolved. And luck is on your side: people usually break up because things are broken. so it may just be a matter of time. Big note though: I wouldn't stay too friendly with her in the meantime because then it's too convenient and there's little motivation for her to change anything with her current situation since she is getting best of both worlds and the ego boost of two guys into her. Create distance. It's the healthiest thing for you anyway since there's no guarantee they WON'T work out. If she is checking in on you 3 days after she got back with ex, she is conflicted. And when that implodes, she will likely be back again. You don't need to be right there to be on her mind. Basically you will be because you are the antithesis of her bf and she was unfinished exploring the potential with you. Good luck. Oh and date others in the meantime!

Thanks. Do you mind telling me if youre a male or female? Just wanna know what kind of mind is giving me this advice haha.

Shortly after all this happened, I stopped texting her on November 19th. She texted me on the night of the 24th and said "how have you been?" i didnt reply and the next night she said "i tried texting you last night but got no response" then I replied. She then texted me on the 29th, then on December 2nd, 6th (at 3:30 in the morning because she couldnt sleep,) and the last time she texted me was on December 7th. If the trend continues she should be texting me tonight. I dont know if she's really friendzoning me or if she's trying to keep me on the hook in case she's available again. One of the texts she sent me, she said "hey whats up" and she told me she was trying to fix her brothers relationship. She said people always come to her with their problems. I told her "yeah people do the same with me." then she said "because we're awesome people." then I said "It's not your fault I told you that."

Thats been my strategy; never texting her first anymore. Sometimes its hard but like you said Im trying to create distance which hopefully makes her miss me more. If I slob all over her Im leaving the ball in her court and giving her the best of both worlds like you said.

December 10, 2015

I see some people telling me to move on and forget about her if she isnt making me her first priority. And I would agree with that if I was looking for a serious relationship or a "married, white picket fence" relationship. But im in my early 20s so Im still trying to have fun. I had a lot of fun hanging out and hooking up with her so if the opportunity is available again and Im still single I wouldnt turn that down

December 10, 2015

I had a typo on the conversation between us. For some reason it wont let me edit it.

One of the conversations she texted me and said "hey whats up" then i asked her whats up and she said "trying to fix my brothers relationship. people always coming to me with their problems." then i said "same" and she said "because we're awesome people" and i said "i cant be too awesome if u dont wanna see me anymore" and she said "its not your fault i told u that"

December 10, 2015

You were not exclusive so anyone of you could have bailed at anytime without obligation. She was honest with you about ending it and why....most don't even get that.

Some girls are just like that...they don't mind being emotionally attached without romantic obligations. She liked your company, so she offers friendship. It's not always about "keeping you as an option." remember girl's brains work differently/it doesn't always mean she wasn't to selfishly keep you around.

Obviously you were more emotionally invested so of course you are a little miffed by being dumped. So now you can make the decision to just tell her to stop communicating with you if you feel that is best for you to move on. The guys on here don't want you to end up being her patsy.

she liked my sexual company so she offered friendship? I just dont understand how a girl can just want to be friends after having feelings for me and having sex with me.

December 10, 2015

Thanks. Do you mind telling me if youre a male or female? Just wanna know what kind of mind is giving me this advice haha.

Shortly after all this happened, I stopped texting her on November 19th. She texted me on the night of the 24th and said "how have you been?" i didnt reply and the next night she said "i tried texting you last night but got no response" then I replied. She then texted me on the 29th, then on December 2nd, 6th (at 3:30 in the morning because she couldnt sleep,) and the last time she texted me was on December 7th. If the trend continues she should be texting me tonight. I dont know if she's really friendzoning me or if she's trying to keep me on the hook in case she's available again. One of the texts she sent me, she said "hey whats up" and she told me she was trying to fix her brothers relationship. She said people always come to her with their problems. I told her "yeah people do the same with me." then she said "because we're awesome people." then I said "It's not your fault I told you that."

Thats been my strategy; never texting her first anymore. Sometimes its hard but like you said Im trying to create distance which hopefully makes her miss me more. If I slob all over her Im leaving the ball in her court and giving her the best of both worlds like you said.

I'm female. I think you will continue to hear from her. I think you are being too available based on the dates and TIMES you gave. Don't answer the late ones at all. If she was your gf, would you want her texting her guy friends at this hour??? No because it indicates more than friendship. Also if you answer the lates ones, she has assurance you are not dating anyone else. She is getting bf-like, dating-like access to you while at same time as continue to explore what is left over with her boyfriend. She will have more respect for you if you do not allow this. I don't think you need to tell her off but you could say you just don't think it's a good idea for you two to stay in touch "like this" out of respect to her relationship. OR you could not reply and if she asks why tell her this.

The whole point is you want to let her know in so many words that you understand she needs to see what is going on with her prior relationship, but while you understand her position, you don't play second fiddle, thus you two are at an impasse. Just a case of bad timing--neither has done anything that wrong (but you don't want that to happen). Maybe in the future. That is the jist of your message; whether spoken or unspoken. If she continues having it both ways, it will either get messy or she will lose respect for you and vice versa. Cut it off now for what it can be in the future and preserve your self-respect. Good luck

December 11, 2015

I'm female. I think you will continue to hear from her. I think you are being too available based on the dates and TIMES you gave. Don't answer the late ones at all. If she was your gf, would you want her texting her guy friends at this hour??? No because it indicates more than friendship. Also if you answer the lates ones, she has assurance you are not dating anyone else. She is getting bf-like, dating-like access to you while at same time as continue to explore what is left over with her boyfriend. She will have more respect for you if you do not allow this. I don't think you need to tell her off but you could say you just don't think it's a good idea for you two to stay in touch "like this" out of respect to her relationship. OR you could not reply and if she asks why tell her this.

The whole point is you want to let her know in so many words that you understand she needs to see what is going on with her prior relationship, but while you understand her position, you don't play second fiddle, thus you two are at an impasse. Just a case of bad timing--neither has done anything that wrong (but you don't want that to happen). Maybe in the future. That is the jist of your message; whether spoken or unspoken. If she continues having it both ways, it will either get messy or she will lose respect for you and vice versa. Cut it off now for what it can be in the future and preserve your self-respect. Good luck

Thanks. I never realized her texting me late at night being a problem. At 3:30 in the morning yeah thats a little odd. She told me she couldnt sleep because she was on all this medicine. As for all the other times shes texted me since this all happened, sometimes it was during the day but most of the time it's been between 10-12 at night. She usually texts me at this time because she's busy all day and night time is her time to lay down and relax. Altho, I have seen her on facebook during the day sometimes.

When I told her not to text me out of pity (this was probably on the 26th) and she said "im not texting u out of pity, i want to still talk and be friendly. as long as you want to." And she told me "lm still be there for you and you can tell me anything on your mind." As a girl, how would you define that? What is she thinking when she says this?

December 11, 2015

She shouldn't even be communicating with you if she's trying to have a relationship with a previous boyfriend.

Not to mention you two weren't even in a relationship to begin with. Maybe she wants you as an option if things don't work with her boyfriend. I honestly don't get why you should even care, let alone why you bother responding to her texts. Why are you trying to read her mind?? She is a former FWB who is (supposedly) trying to mend a relationship.

Tell her you think it's best that she focus on her relationship and that it's inappropriate for you two to communicate and find someone else. Don't respond to any further texts after that.

Just because she wants to be on friendly terms doesn't mean you guys need to be friends. Especially since you two have a sexual history and I doubt her BF knows she's still talking to you or would approve if he did.

December 11, 2015

Thanks. I never realized her texting me late at night being a problem. At 3:30 in the morning yeah thats a little odd. She told me she couldnt sleep because she was on all this medicine. As for all the other times shes texted me since this all happened, sometimes it was during the day but most of the time it's been between 10-12 at night. She usually texts me at this time because she's busy all day and night time is her time to lay down and relax. Altho, I have seen her on facebook during the day sometimes.

When I told her not to text me out of pity (this was probably on the 26th) and she said "im not texting u out of pity, i want to still talk and be friendly. as long as you want to." And she told me "lm still be there for you and you can tell me anything on your mind." As a girl, how would you define that? What is she thinking when she says this?

Well of course, if you two were FWB and most people do their dating/free time fun in the evening, she (consciously or unconsciously) wants to get a read of whether or not you have moved on. Watch her reaction when you don't answer or respond to 3:00am contact!!! I don't think you should answer anything immediately or anything after 9pm. Sorry that's girl strategy (sorry girls for disclosing it!!!) to make the other person wonder if you are on a date or moving on or hooking up. If she is reaching out to you because she can't sleep, doesn't that sound like a problem for her boyfriend, her mom or her doctor?!?!??! It's not your problem unless she wants to make sure you are still into her and/or leans on you for emotional support but chooses her boyfriend for romantic/sex stuff. NO. Don't fall for this. She is far too comfortable being clingy like she has you wrapped around her little finger. She needs to be unsure. That will have her worrying that you are moving on and seeing you as more alpha (like she sees her bf!).

Don't EVER bring up "pity" again. You have to act non-chalant and take this is stride. She can't know you are pining over her. It's nice all the stuff she is doing but don't get it twisted: it's for her benefit of keeping you in her life as a backup not your benefit!!! This whole scenario will start to eat you up, if it hasn't already. And the contact pattern you set up will be torture for you. I think you should cut it off.

She is mainly talking to you as girls talk to each other. Making sure you stay in each other's lives emotionally without giving you the rest of what bf/gf do for each other. It could be good down the road that the connection is there. She obviously doesn't get much of it from her bf or she wouldn't be turning to you for it (emotional support/sharing). However, your job is done, she is well-aware the potential is there and that's enough, you don't have to nuture it while she does both of you. Trust me, she knows the potential is there; if she has an intention of breaking up with her bf in a reasonable amount of time, she will be back. If she has no intention of breaking up with him soon or it's a long time off, there's nothing more you can add by "being right there". Not "being right there" is your best tool. Good luck.

Plus you don't want to set up a pattern where she treats you as a doormat which is what accepting contact from her under conditions that are unfavorable TO YOU and knowingly to both of you not what you want. That will not inspire her to appreciate you.

Edited December 11, 2015 by Versacehottie

December 12, 2015

Well of course, if you two were FWB and most people do their dating/free time fun in the evening, she (consciously or unconsciously) wants to get a read of whether or not you have moved on. Watch her reaction when you don't answer or respond to 3:00am contact!!! I don't think you should answer anything immediately or anything after 9pm. Sorry that's girl strategy (sorry girls for disclosing it!!!) to make the other person wonder if you are on a date or moving on or hooking up. If she is reaching out to you because she can't sleep, doesn't that sound like a problem for her boyfriend, her mom or her doctor?!?!??! It's not your problem unless she wants to make sure you are still into her and/or leans on you for emotional support but chooses her boyfriend for romantic/sex stuff. NO. Don't fall for this. She is far too comfortable being clingy like she has you wrapped around her little finger. She needs to be unsure. That will have her worrying that you are moving on and seeing you as more alpha (like she sees her bf!).

Don't EVER bring up "pity" again. You have to act non-chalant and take this is stride. She can't know you are pining over her. It's nice all the stuff she is doing but don't get it twisted: it's for her benefit of keeping you in her life as a backup not your benefit!!! This whole scenario will start to eat you up, if it hasn't already. And the contact pattern you set up will be torture for you. I think you should cut it off.

She is mainly talking to you as girls talk to each other. Making sure you stay in each other's lives emotionally without giving you the rest of what bf/gf do for each other. It could be good down the road that the connection is there. She obviously doesn't get much of it from her bf or she wouldn't be turning to you for it (emotional support/sharing). However, your job is done, she is well-aware the potential is there and that's enough, you don't have to nuture it while she does both of you. Trust me, she knows the potential is there; if she has an intention of breaking up with her bf in a reasonable amount of time, she will be back. If she has no intention of breaking up with him soon or it's a long time off, there's nothing more you can add by "being right there". Not "being right there" is your best tool. Good luck.

Plus you don't want to set up a pattern where she treats you as a doormat which is what accepting contact from her under conditions that are unfavorable TO YOU and knowingly to both of you not what you want. That will not inspire her to appreciate you.

Thank you both for your responses and your honesty.

I agree, if I create a pattern of when I think she'll text me it would torture me. I created that pattern to show you how frequently she was texting me. And I know I shouldnt be anticipating texts from her all the time since I really have no idea how long her and her ex will last.

I just didn't understand how when she told me she was seeing her ex again and she broke off with me and told me I shouldnt wait for her because I deserve to be happy, why she would continue texting me after that and tell me stuff like "I'll still be here for you" "I wouldnt stop talking to you unless you wanted to" "Its not that I dont like you or dont think about you, its just a really rough situation." She's either; A) truly friendzoning me which is really selfish because how could she expect me to move on if she still talks to me or B) trying to keep me around as an option. Which is what I suspected she was doing.

Like I said, Im glad Im getting advice from a female who can tell me how females minds work.

December 12, 2015

Thank you both for your responses and your honesty.

I agree, if I create a pattern of when I think she'll text me it would torture me. I created that pattern to show you how frequently she was texting me. And I know I shouldnt be anticipating texts from her all the time since I really have no idea how long her and her ex will last.

I just didn't understand how when she told me she was seeing her ex again and she broke off with me and told me I shouldnt wait for her because I deserve to be happy, why she would continue texting me after that and tell me stuff like "I'll still be here for you" "I wouldnt stop talking to you unless you wanted to" "Its not that I dont like you or dont think about you, its just a really rough situation." She's either; A) truly friendzoning me which is really selfish because how could she expect me to move on if she still talks to me or B) trying to keep me around as an option. Which is what I suspected she was doing.

Like I said, Im glad Im getting advice from a female who can tell me how females minds work.

Yes well girls can be more emotional than guys. I think in a way this one is still figuring out exactly what she wants. She gets the best of both worlds. She is getting you under the guise of friendship but the promise of something more. In the meantime, she has her bf back and you waiting in the wings. And yes it's selfish. You are assuming people will do things in a linear or logical fashion and in romance that almost never happens. Especially as it's gets more layered and complicated like this is. But ultimately for you it should not be that complicated. She is being selfish for sure as most people do: they are going to put their needs first and yours a distant second at best. Stop trying to figure out her exact motive. She wants both basically. You don't need more details. To get you out of your misery and get what you want you need her to take a different action. She is not going to do that if she still is getting both.

You will not get out of your misery or her as your gf if you continue to do the same as you have been doing because there is no motivation for her to make a change AND there is little chance for you to like someone else (your feelings for her will grow as you become closer but still unrequited). Reduce or stop contact (you can do it nicely). She will be back i think. Also key to do it soon. The longer you let this go on, you are using up good love momentum being in a disadvantageous place (not together but kinda wanting to be, fun/exciting for you both at first and then excitement is used up) INSTEAD of an advantageous place (all the fun things people do as they are bonding over their new love). If you use up all the momentum and excitement in this period and state, the bond is stale if you ever get a chance together and too much frustration built up. Plus the respect she has for you will have gone out the window. So now is the time to stop it to have the life you want.

December 14, 2015

thank you for your response

December 16, 2015

This is what I mean. Yesterday was my birthday and she texted me and told me happy birthday. We had a short conversation and shortly afterwards we had a playful misunderstanding. She said "my baddddd lol but at least it made you smile" I said "lol" and then she told me that I looked good in my most recent facebook picture. She told me a couple weeks ago that she still liked me and thinks about me but "its just a rough situation" and now shes flirting with me again. Im wondering if she's more confused than I am.

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Does she just want to be friends now? Or is she trying to keep her options open?

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