smellysocksuni Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 ...And I'm still hurt. I thought that by this point, I would have been well over her, but I'm not. Her life seems to be (I say seems to be, as I'm aware that it might not be) full of happiness and success, yet I don't seem to be getting anywhere.
mightycpa Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 I remember you. You really loved her, didn't you? It happens. You'll love somebody else, but I will say that this independent of whether or not her life is happy or sad or in between. You need to examine your feelings, and let them go. They are rooted in both selfishness and the past. Find them. Understand them. Get past them. Good luck.
K2z Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 I can picture myself writing something like this in six months or so, when my "year" arrives. My heart is a nuclear test site. Believe me. Let me tell you what I just started this weekend: orphanages. One yesterday, another today. Bought a bunch of Xmas presents to wrap up for the kids. It is not a magic analgesic, but it is a welcome distraction and I would like to think some microscopic healing is happening. Yesterday I was in the kitchen and felt comfortable as a chick in a nest. I want to do more of that. Prep food for the needy. A kitchen is a busy place. It yields an immediate product. This is therapeutic. I am gonna seek out soup kitchens. I am also considering wildly large logjam-breaking changes. Might move back with Mom, clean and donate/sell a lifetime of clutter, digitize our home movies, plant a gigantic vegetable garden. The pain is more or less forever. But it need not be crippling. And you need not hold yourself up to some externally dictated paradigm of what "happy" is. Half the people out there are pretending, anyhow. 7
Blanco Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Her life seems to be (I say seems to be, as I'm aware that it might not be) full of happiness and success, yet I don't seem to be getting anywhere. If you haven't cut off any avenues that could feed you any information about her life, you might have a possible answer for why you don't seem to be getting anywhere. These things take time even with cutting off any incoming information. You'll find you spin your wheels if you still know what she's doing with herself.
mtnbiker3000 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 (edited) You really loved her, didn't you? It happens. You'll love somebody else There is only one person you need to love... When you love yourself. When your life is awesome by yourself. When you feel no need to have anyone else in it for any reason, then you are ready to have a relationship. ...And I'm still hurt. I thought that by this point, I would have been well over her, but I'm not. Her life seems to be (I say seems to be, as I'm aware that it might not be) full of happiness and success, yet I don't seem to be getting anywhere. Think of it like this. Your life is the cake. Complete with many layers and lots of great ingredients all combined together. Then, another person can simply be the frosting. Not needed, but a welcome addition. And if it (her) ends / leaves for whatever reason, then you still have an amazing and delicious cake (you). That is the ONLY way to be happy... Remember, nothing is forever. Not relationships. Not things. Not even life. The trick is to be OK, no, be great with yourself today, right now!! IMO, too many of us, myself included, look for someone or something else to make us "happy". This is a recipe for disaster, and the real reason so many of us are on here. You need to examine your feelings, and let them go. They are rooted in both selfishness and the past. Find them. Understand them. Get past them. Exactly!!! And, understand that you don't need anyone else to be happy!! Easy? Absolutely not. But it is the goal, IMO... Edited December 6, 2015 by mtnbiker3000 3
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 I can picture myself writing something like this in six months or so, when my "year" arrives. My heart is a nuclear test site. Believe me. Let me tell you what I just started this weekend: orphanages. One yesterday, another today. Bought a bunch of Xmas presents to wrap up for the kids. It is not a magic analgesic, but it is a welcome distraction and I would like to think some microscopic healing is happening. Yesterday I was in the kitchen and felt comfortable as a chick in a nest. I want to do more of that. Prep food for the needy. A kitchen is a busy place. It yields an immediate product. This is therapeutic. I am gonna seek out soup kitchens. I am also considering wildly large logjam-breaking changes. Might move back with Mom, clean and donate/sell a lifetime of clutter, digitize our home movies, plant a gigantic vegetable garden. The pain is more or less forever. But it need not be crippling. And you need not hold yourself up to some externally dictated paradigm of what "happy" is. Half the people out there are pretending, anyhow. Awesome post.
guest569 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Its coming up to 2 years since breakup for me and i still hurt. I dont know what to say. I did have a moment where "click" I'm fine and over him! That was at about the 1.5 yr mark, I have been a lot better since that moment. But I miss him especially this time of year. Where do you want to be and what does happiness and success look like?
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Where do you want to be and what does happiness and success look like? The secret is to WANT to be right here, right now. There is no better place, than 'here'. There is no better time than 'now'. Because that's your choice. You got yourself here. Happiness and Success are dependent on how the person themselves measures them. Some people believe that having Christmas with their family, friends and lovers, and being able to amply afford to buy plenty, is happiness and success. For others, merely being upright and sober is a positive triumph. I think rather than wishing and yearning, we should look at how far we've come, and rejoice that come this season of Goodwill to all Men, we are breathing and alive, and able to participate and share. I, during a frenetic moment at the Festive dining table, have the habit of just quickly, silently glancing round the table and being grateful for the moment of unity. There's a lot to be said for Gratitude for the Present Moment. Letting the Mind calmly abide, and relaxing into it.... Be well, enjoy, and Merry Christmas to you.
K2z Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Except I want to be her husband, and the father of her children, and I have instead a big fat sack of nothing. But your point, and the point of other people on this page, is well taken: you've got to be at peace with yourself. People say I hesitated to marry her for legitimate reasons. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not. But the heart doesn't care right now, and it's more or less in charge. I compare myself at this point to the straggler in the desert who is unable to run, or yell, or panic any more. The worst has happened. She left, she married six months later. This is the nuclear winter. Sometimes I just pause for a couple of minutes, slackjawed, in shock.
mtnbiker3000 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Except I want to be her husband, and the father of her children, and I have instead a big fat sack of nothing The worst has happened. She left, she married six months later. And you still feel like you are lost because you can't marry and have kids with her?? This is exactly the point I was trying to make to you above. An integrated man would never feel this way. Look up the difference between being integrated and enmeshed. You, my friend are enmeshed. And because of this, the same thing will surely happen to you again until you address this!!! Forget about her and work on yourself. This is the perfect opportunity to do just that!!
K2z Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 An integrated man would never feel this way. Look up the difference between being integrated and enmeshed. You, my friend are enmeshed. Cerebrally, I guess I can accept what you are saying. In the barrel of my chest, though, I wish I hadn't been stupid and just married this woman 1.5 years ago. I think I will be kicking myself over it for the rest of my life.
mtnbiker3000 Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 Cerebrally, I guess I can accept what you are saying. In the barrel of my chest, though, I wish I hadn't been stupid... Of course. This is how we all have felt. I felt this way to some degree for well over a year. Probably closer to 2. No one said it would be easy. It's hard. Damn hard. And it hurts. The good news is - this is your opportunity to make something positive from it. Really!! ...and just married this woman 1.5 years ago. I think I will be kicking myself over it for the rest of my life. This part I'm not so sure about. Obviously I don't know you, but I'd wager that you would still end up in this exact same spot as it seems your behaviors are the problem. Please read up on Dr. Robert Glover, especially his book 'No More Mr. Nice Guy". You've described some textbook stuff that his material can address and help you with...
Blanco Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 Haha, as soon as I saw the phrase "integrated man," I thought, "I wonder if he's read No More Mr. Nice Guy?" Finally picked up a copy earlier this week; about halfway through it after starting it last night. I can definitely see aspects of myself in it (i.e. giving to get), and I definitely see a lot of people here in it. Seems like pretty essential reading.
K2z Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 I'd wager that you would still end up in this exact same spot as it seems your behaviors are the problem. Would you unpack this just a bit for me?
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