ExtraSpice Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 I had been dating this girl for over a year and everything was good. In the past few months I had been dealing with some personal issues that were difficult to sort out. I tend not to express my problems to others and for some reason feel as though I need to solve my own problems completely by myself. Based on this thought process I decided that maybe it is best to break up and concentrate on myself. I did just that. It was very difficult because it was not as though our feelings had changed but more so because of my own personal issues. A couple of weeks went by and though I did get the results I was expecting from being alone but I realized that I could have achieved the same results while in a relationship with her. I could have opened up and explained things to her and probably gotten to the same point. Well now I am regretting that I broke up with her. What a surprise right! It was stupid of me to make the decision I made, but I made it and here I am. I wanted to talk to her and explain the same thoughts and see if she would be interested in trying to be in a relationship again. The reason I am so hesitant to do that is because I feel like I lost that right when I broke up with her. And what is to stop her from thinking that I would do it again. Even though I feel that I have learned a valuable lesson, that in itself won't be a good enough guarantee to put her mind at ease. Should I attempt to have the conversation with her and respect whatever answer she gives me or am I stuck with my decision and have to deal with the consequences?
bluefeather Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Hi, it seems like you made two mistakes. The first one was breaking up with her. The second one is being scared of not winning her back. 1
mightycpa Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Yeah, that is pretty ****ed up. Right? You get that feeling right now, don'ty ou? You may have actually done yourself a favor by being so obtuse. I wouldn't explain the past. I'd just tell ex #! how you'd like to see her again. Did you catch that? SEE her again? Don't worry about tomorrow, because you give no signals of your problem (other than delay). Your thoughts and feeling will catch up with you eventually.
Chronotrgr Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 I can understand your reasoning, honestly, I've been through some tough stuff and at times wish I'd have given the relationship a break to spare any difficulties but out if fesr of my partner feeling rejected and hurt, I didn't, but I can definitely understand it, it seems like my ex has done the same thing with me, she's going through some kind of personal crisis and felt the only option was for me to move out so she could sort herself out without me getting caught up in it all. But the hard part here is the crisis you put the other person through while you go through yours, personally I believe hard times should be shared with someone you love, I think you owe it to her to try and explain to her your reasoning, you never know, she might give you another chance, but you'll never know if you don't try.
Zapbasket Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 If you have regrets, don't keep them to yourself. Do really ask yourself whether you're not just missing the comforts the relationship brought, more than actually feeling you made a mistake in dumping her. If your introspections point to it being a mistake on your part to end the relationship, then reach out to her. Yes, some trust is broken and yes, the relationship will need some mending, which will require a lot of patience and won't be easy at first. But if you are sincere, this difficult passage is a small price to pay for the chance to have this woman back in your life. No matter what, people always appreciate heart-felt apologies and acknowledgements of mistakes made. It is never too late for it to be a very healing thing. She may not take you back, but then again, she may, and as previous posters have said, you have everything to lose by not trying, and everything to gain by reaching out. The new leaf you claim to be ready to turn over begins with you not bottling up your regrets. Communicate with her.
Author ExtraSpice Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 I am going to follow the recommendation and communicate with her. I am thinking of ways to start that conversation. She has some important things to take care of this coming week so I was thinking maybe it is best to have the conversation next weekend. But thank you for the advice!
bluefeather Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 I am going to follow the recommendation and communicate with her. I am thinking of ways to start that conversation. She has some important things to take care of this coming week so I was thinking maybe it is best to have the conversation next weekend. But thank you for the advice! :sigh: you're already messing things up by thinking and waiting... You're going to be a d__k if you give her breadcrumbs. If you want her back, just go get her back. Tell her you messed up and are super sorry and that you want her back and make her your queen. Do NOT just say "hey can we talk" or "I miss you" !!! Go to her house, but if you must call her first CALL her. Do not freaking text her, do not email her. bye 2
lolablue17 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 You say "I'll call her next week", as if she's waiting just for you. You might lose her if you wait too much, if you didn't already.
Author ExtraSpice Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 I understand where you guys are coming from. She has finals this upcoming week, would it not be super distracting if I sprang this on her now. The only reason I said maybe I should wait till next weekend is because she is going to be on winter break and if me confessing my regrets to her puts her in an upset situation at least she won't have studies to worry about. Or is this flawed logic?
Nickr3023 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 I'd say fight if you feel like you want her back. Here's the only downfall.....my ex left me about 3 months into our relationship, she was going through a separation with her husband and wanted to try again with him. When she came back things were just never the same. Even though we lasted almost a year, I was terrified of losing her again, and it completely changed me. Don't be surprised if she does take you back that she becomes very dependent and needy. I can't say she will, just know that's what happened to me. I was so scared of losing her again, I just didn't trust her to not leave again....which ended up happening anyway. So you have to somehow prove to her that you won't do the same thing in the future when things get tough again, which of course they're bound to do because...life. Good luck though!
bluefeather Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 I understand where you guys are coming from. She has finals this upcoming week, would it not be super distracting if I sprang this on her now. The only reason I said maybe I should wait till next weekend is because she is going to be on winter break and if me confessing my regrets to her puts her in an upset situation at least she won't have studies to worry about. Or is this flawed logic? I already said my piece. My advice to you was on what to do if you really wanted her back. If you are thinking about it and delaying it for any reason, then you are just tip-toeing around the fence and I will not support those actions, because even if they seem considerate, they seem more selfish and fearful to me. Sounds like you just had GIGS and are waiting out your own feelings in the guise of waiting for whatever she is being occupied with, which probably is even harder for her now because you dumped her.
Mrlovahlovah Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 If this concern of yours about her finals is genuine then imo it's actually the other way around. Wether she decides to take you back or not she still gets the ego boost. Takes off a lot of worrying and thoughts from her mind. Yeah.potentially she could be distracted by it. Unlikely tho. You should act quick either way.
Author ExtraSpice Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Okay thought I should update and hopefully get some more feedback. I explained everything to her and asked if she would be willing to give it another try. She thought about it and said that she is not going to be able to do that right now. I understand that. So at least for now she doesn't want to get back together. We were friends before we started dating. And she wants to continue to at least be friends. The problem is I can't try to be friends and adjust my feelings at the same time. I would need a grace period before I feel like we could hang out just as friends. She doesn't seem to have that issue. What has happened in the past is that after the grace period we have ended up just being acquaintances instead. I don't really want that to happen in this case. Does it seem as though I am trying to hold on to something that I shouldn't and that I should just go cold turkey?
SunlightJune Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Tell her exactly what you just told us. I did the exact same thing and waited too long (3-4 months) and my ex was already in a serious relationship with someone else. please don't make the same mistake I did, don't wait.
Nickr3023 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Okay thought I should update and hopefully get some more feedback. I explained everything to her and asked if she would be willing to give it another try. She thought about it and said that she is not going to be able to do that right now. I understand that. So at least for now she doesn't want to get back together. We were friends before we started dating. And she wants to continue to at least be friends. The problem is I can't try to be friends and adjust my feelings at the same time. I would need a grace period before I feel like we could hang out just as friends. She doesn't seem to have that issue. What has happened in the past is that after the grace period we have ended up just being acquaintances instead. I don't really want that to happen in this case. Does it seem as though I am trying to hold on to something that I shouldn't and that I should just go cold turkey? Ever hear the saying feelings mess up friendships? Yeah that's unfortunately the case. It's very rare when you become emotionally involved with someone that you can ever go back to just being friends. I know for me, it took me 2 years to even speak to my ex, yet alone ever hang out with her (which I haven't done).
Author ExtraSpice Posted December 9, 2015 Author Posted December 9, 2015 Yes I agree. It has never happened for me in the past. I have only been in contact with one ex and the extent of that is "Hi, long time? How has everything been?" every few months. During our conversation I did mention to her that if it ends up that you just want to be friends I would need a grace period to adjust my feelings before we can try to be friends. She definitely was not a fan of that. She stated it as I broke up with her and now I am breaking the friendship also. Sounds like I end up being a double d*ck. But then again I am thinking I should not base the decision on that. If I know I can't do both, hang out and get over my feelings, then I should just be honest and tell her that. Thank you for the feedback!
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