What is going through this man's head?!?

[LadyStark]

Hello All,

 

I cannot quite believe that I am posting this question on this website.. on a Saturday evening of all things. I realise that none of you are under any obligation to read or respond... but I would very much be grateful of any assistance. I shall try to be brief.. here it goes..

 

I have been seeing my 'boyfriend' for nine months. This is my first real relationship, he is more experienced, we are both in late twenties. This man is obsessed with his career, I mean to the point that most people don't understand. He has been very honest about this from the beginning and it never really mattered to me all that much, because he made time. At first when he was trying to 'get' me his contact with me was daily.

 

However, like all things once he 'had' me he would then start taking a few days to reply, which was fine because I know how obsessed he is with his job... it was fine I had my own thing going on and I'm not needy. Of course sometimes it would frustrate me, as I genuinely don't believe anyone is too busy to text.. everyone has thirty seconds a day. Anyway, we would generally spend weekends together, and this was the pattern. So he came over at the end of October and stayed the next few days with me.. and things were fine, I sensed nothing different. He left my place mid-week.. said he would text me that day and then he did not speak to me for three days..

 

We had plans for that Saturday evening and when I text on the Friday asking if they were still going ahead he replied at 12pm on Saturday saying no... he doesn't think so and then he did not speak to me again that day. I text him the Sunday morning asking him how he was and if he would call later and he replied saying 'I will try to call'.. surprise surprise he didn't call.. I then did not speak to him for three days until I asked him if he was free at the weekend and he asked to meet on the Friday night or Sunday... only to low and behold text last minute on Friday saying he was stuck in a meeting, to which I replied.. Fine Sunday then? He ignored that message which led to me texting him and asking what was going on with us.. he replied three days later saying work has been awful and he is confused.. and again promised to call... only to not call again. He then text me two days later explaining why he had not called to which I replied general chit chat.. he then did not speak to me for seven days which led to me texting him last Friday night saying if I don't hear from you tonight I will assume that we are over.

 

Well, he replied on the Saturday afternoon asking to talk tomorrow (meaning last Sunday), I replied last Sunday morning saying yes let's talk but it's not okay to treat someone like that... I have not heard from him since I agreed to talk, nor have I contacted him again.

 

It's very bizarre... if he wanted to be done I had done it for him, he did not need to reply asking to talk again.. why say can we talk and then ignore me for a week? I just.. I do not get it.

 

At this point I am done, but part of me is still clinging to hope a tiny bit that he will get in touch and this is all a mistake. But even I am not stupid enough to believe that.. I mean we didn't break up... he just ignored me. Did he hope that I would just disappear? It's rather funny actually... I have heard of men ignoring women but only if they've dated a few months. This man was discussing holidays next year and moving just weeks ago.. I just don't get it..

 

I am sorry it is a long post, feel free to chastise me.. or not reply at all.. but any thoughts would be welcome. I know many will say there is likely someone else.. there might be but my instinct and knowledge of him tells me it is improbable.

 

Thanks guys..

 

 

x

[mightycpa]

What does he do?

[Nickr3023]

Sadly nothing is improbable....when it comes to someone else being in the picture. When people are being shady nothing adds up. This is definitely very strange. It seems to be that he wants to be done, but just doesn't want to have to do it in person or to see you or your reaction. Seems very immature to me. He seems to be the type of person that always wants to be in control, and you've given him that control by always being the one to text. But to go days and days without contact with someone is just downright inexplicable. I'm not sure if you guys are "in love" with one another, but if you are, I'm not quite sure how you can ignore someone that much. Sorry this is happening to you, but I believe it's time to just stop trying, if he wants to come to you......ignore him, see how he enjoys the treatment.

 

People that live to work are extremely difficult to be in a relationship with. My ex was married to a man that made a lot of money, but was constantly traveling, and because of their lifestyle he couldn't and wouldn't change jobs...which lead to her having an affair (not with me), and all that other good stuff.

 

Hopefully you can find a way to move on and overcome this without that closure that so many people need to have but more often than not, never get.

[LydiaLong]

Some men are just like that. Once the chase is over, they lose interest. Move on. He's not that into you.

[mountains]

My career was more important to me than anything else including relationships throughout my twenties. I felt I needed to get myself higher in each company, so that I was successful enough where I didn't need to stress out about work and could focus on a relationship without being scared of being laid off or replaced. You seem to be very needy by constantly contacting him, which may be pushing him further away; I have made that same mistake.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

He knows you will put up with this behavior because you let him do it over and over again. He can ignore you for days and yet there are no consequences, you will always contact him again. He has all the advantages of a relationship without putting the effort in to maintaining it. It must be very hard doing it on your own.

 

Is this really what you want from a relationship? Don't you think you deserve better?

[Amelie1980]

He knows you will put up with this behavior because you let him do it over and over again. He can ignore you for days and yet there are no consequences, you will always contact him again. He has all the advantages of a relationship without putting the effort in to maintaining it. It must be very hard doing it on your own.

 

Is this really what you want from a relationship? Don't you think you deserve better?

 

This.

 

You may get him back if you completely quiet on him. But if he comes back the cycle will probably start again once he has you.

[LadyStark]

Hello all,

 

Thanks for your input, some really good ideas. I think you're probably right Nickr, and he has decided to leave me... for his job. I am not necessarily sure that ignoring this man will work... as I said in the time in between we are not talking I am not constantly calling/messaging him it's been seven days since he told me he would call and hasn't and I haven't text him again, so although if he does text me.. I do reply I don't really think I can be classed as being 'needy'.. is it needy to expect to talk to your so called boyfriend more than once in two weeks.

 

As I type this I am reading what I am writing what I am writing and I am slightly disgusted at myself.. why I'm allowing myself to be treated this way. Sigh, I do unfortunately love him, and expect that whilst I am okay today.. tomorrow may be good then the next day bad until I am just alright again. As I said this is my first relationship, and believe it or not it was pushed for by him.. him wanting to book holidays for next year... him asking me when he can meet my family... him asking when am I moving in. Perhaps the problem was that I let him get away with murder and never complained.. I didn't know that I could! Maybe he is just telling me what I think I want to hear.. who knows, only him. But to think that a man can literally ignore his relationship away is pretty shocking, it's a complete lack or respect for me, and very cowardly and selfish. I sincerely hope that I start to truly believe most of what I've wrote in order that I can move on.

[mightycpa]

What does he do? I think it is important to know if he is an ice-cream man vs. an international spy.

 

Some "careers" need more attention than others.

[Amelie1980]

What does he do? I think it is important to know if he is an ice-cream man vs. an international spy.

 

Some "careers" need more attention than others.

 

I have to say Dr's, Attorney's, bankers, engineers manage to have partners.

 

It is a choice not a necessity that his career comes first.

 

I think it's a cover story for him to see others and I have a feeling there are lots.

[mountains]

I have to say Dr's, Attorney's, bankers, engineers manage to have partners.

 

It is a choice not a necessity that his career comes first.

 

I think it's a cover story for him to see others and I have a feeling there are lots.

 

Yes they do and often do not settle down until their 30s or 40s when their school is completed and careers are stable. If I chose my relationships over my career in my early-mid twenties, I would not own my house and make the salary I do now that makes it easier to have a relationship. I could be still stressing out about rent or car payments or saving up for date nights one a month, but instead I chose to improve my own self via my career before allowing someone else in it. You're right it is a choice... However I would not keep asking the person why they aren't returning my calls or texts because it does seem needy. And, no it is not normal to not hear from your partner in two weeks, which at that point I might not assume they are my partner still.

[Samhain]

"when can I meet your family, lets go on holiday" etc is a way to get into a womans knickers, because it sounds so long term.

 

He's had enough and isn't interested anymore, that's how simply brutal it is.

[Amelie1980]

Yes they do and often do not settle down until their 30s or 40s when their school is completed and careers are stable. If I chose my relationships over my career in my early-mid twenties, I would not own my house and make the salary I do now that makes it easier to have a relationship. I could be still stressing out about rent or car payments or saving up for date nights one a month, but instead I chose to improve my own self via my career before allowing someone else in it. You're right it is a choice... However I would not keep asking the person why they aren't returning my calls or texts because it does seem needy. And, no it is not normal to not hear from your partner in two weeks, which at that point I might not assume they are my partner still.

 

 

This isnt right.

 

If you'd had a serious relationship in your mid twenties you potentially have 2 salaries to work with and could have got a home sooner.

 

Alot of people end up not owning a home as they can't do it on one salary.

 

Date nights dont have to be expensive.....

[LadyStark]

Again thank you guys, I have now realised in the space of a few hours that it doesn't matter who, what, when, where or why... It doesn't matter because the outcome will still be the same; we are not together, he is no longer my boyfriend. So I don't think it will be helpful for me to constantly ask why, or what was going through his head. Unfortunately the only person that knows that is him, and he has made it clear that I am not worth a reply..

 

So you know what.. f*** him. If he wants to have his job and be alone and lonely then I'm sorry but it's not my problem.

 

PS.. had to laugh at the being needy comment.. I have asked him once in five weeks why he hasn't replied to me. If that's needy.. well I guess that I am.

[mrldii]

...We had plans for that Saturday evening and when I text on the Friday asking if they were still going ahead he replied at 12pm on Saturday saying no... he doesn't think so and then he did not speak to me again that day. I text him the Sunday morning asking him how he was and if he would call later and he replied saying 'I will try to call'.. surprise surprise he didn't call.. I then did not speak to him for three days until I asked him if he was free at the weekend and he asked to meet on the Friday night or Sunday... only to low and behold text last minute on Friday saying he was stuck in a meeting, to which I replied.. Fine Sunday then? He ignored that message which led to me texting him and asking what was going on with us.. he replied three days later saying work has been awful and he is confused.. and again promised to call... only to not call again. He then text me two days later explaining why he had not called to which I replied general chit chat.. he then did not speak to me for seven days which led to me texting him last Friday night saying if I don't hear from you tonight I will assume that we are over...

 

Regardless of all the other gobbledygook before and after just this snippeted portion, how did you miss this part?

 

It's not work...there's someone else he's seeing that he's more interested in pursuing...even if that means he's simply more interested in seeing a whole bunch more someones rather than just seeing you.

 

 

I get that it was easier to pay more attention to all the other stuff and the bread crumbs, but, really...

 

he did already tell you, you just chose to breeze over it. No need for a conversation today, tomorrow, or some other day (that he'll simply avoid, again)...he's already told you everything you need to hear.

 

 

Nexxxxxxxxt!!!

[AdamantyumKrystal]

Go get a real boyfriend girl not a failed attempt of "man" , u deserve a real man who will treat u right and love u unconditionally and be there for u when u need him.

I'm sorry u are going thru this crap right now but there is light at the end of the tunnel , i guarantee it, just have patience pray and love ^^

 

and please.. do not fall back into this player's net, u are better than that, just think that u have dodged a bullet! what if u two would have been married or had kids and he would've started treating u like this.. i don't think u would like that, wouldn't u?

Edited December 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted personal attack ~6

[WomenWubber]

...which led to me texting him last Friday night saying if I don't hear from you tonight I will assume that we are over.

 

Well, he replied on the Saturday afternoon asking to talk tomorrow (meaning last Sunday), I replied last Sunday morning saying yes let's talk but it's not okay to treat someone like that... I have not heard from him since I agreed to talk, nor have I contacted him again.

 

If you don't respect yourself ain't nobody gonna give a good cahoot, na na na na.

 

Respect yoself!

[LadyStark]

Hello all again,

 

Just like to say thanks for the advice/opinions/support. Even since I posted this it has got a lot better, I am just focussing on other things and if I am perfectly honest I don't even miss him. I love him for sure, this is true, but as AdamantyumKrysta has said, I think a bullet was dodged here. I mean.. he had even picked out our children's names.. (and they were awful) so I can only imagine what a child with his genes would be like. I assume when I do slow down and stop and think I will feel a pang of hurt, and I think a small part of me still expects him to reply.. but I will be fine either way.

 

Mrldii, sorry he never said he was confused, that is me mistyping, I told him I was confused.. he was just exhausted and stressed which is always is.

 

Mountains, no offence is taken if you perceive my behaviour as needy. However, I definitely disagree, at no point during the past five weeks have I once asked him why he hasn't replied to me, in fact in five weeks I have sent about maybe ten texts at most. I think if I were indeed needy I would be calling him and asking him why he still hasn't contacted me after ten days... but I am not. To be perfectly honest and please don't take this personally towards you it is more to do with how men perceive neediness in general... I think it is perfectly acceptable to expect to talk to your partner, and I do actually become quite vexed when men will call a woman that texts maybe like what.. once a day needy (if they are in a relationship).. that's not really needy it's normal. But this is a public forum, and each is entitled to their own opinion, so have at it.

 

Mountains, the latter part of that you have said I don't understand "I guess she just wants to hear how she's perfect"... that you'll have to expand upon as I genuinely don't understand how you've reached that (very wrong) conclusion. I didn't realise you had a direct line into my mind.. I assure you I posted this to try to make sense of the horrible situation in which I found myself.. and it has helped.

 

Thank you

[xuanqi1988]

I just got out of a 7 months relationship where the guy was never 100% committed to me. As much as I cared for him (and I still do, sadly), I know it wasn't working. When he went home overseas he would take one day to reply to my messages. My friends suspected he was seeing someone else back home. I trusted him enough to think that was not the case. But the truth is, does it matter what the case? If he can't commit, it doesn't matter what the reason is. We need to stop overthinking to guess what is going on in their head, because it's none of our business. We need to see actions, not excuses. (don't get me wrong, I do so myself, all the time). If he is not making you happy, even if he has 100 good reasons, leave him, because your happiness comes first.

[LadyStark]

I just got out of a 7 months relationship where the guy was never 100% committed to me. As much as I cared for him (and I still do, sadly), I know it wasn't working. When he went home overseas he would take one day to reply to my messages. My friends suspected he was seeing someone else back home. I trusted him enough to think that was not the case. But the truth is, does it matter what the case? If he can't commit, it doesn't matter what the reason is. We need to stop overthinking to guess what is going on in their head, because it's none of our business. We need to see actions, not excuses. (don't get me wrong, I do so myself, all the time). If he is not making you happy, even if he has 100 good reasons, leave him, because your happiness comes first.

 

Oh! We meet again, welcome to my latest heartache! Well, at least he was overseas and taking a long time to reply. My ex was in the same city and taking four days to reply.. but you know how every relationship is different and you sort of just think.. 'this is what mine is like' I just accepted it because we worked like that and I never questioned his commitment to me. But at the beginning of November something felt off, I know everyone here has said it is someone else.. but again my own gut feeling is that this man is just.. he is troubled. He would often explain to me how relationships are a social construct and we believe we need someone else because society tells us we are not enough on our own.. sometimes he would just look at me as if he couldn't work out what it was about me that made him want to spend time with me.. ALWAYS A NICE FEELING! Lol.. um have I lost my point... let me get back on track..

 

Yes.. I realised this on Sunday night, it doesn't matter why, who, what, where or how.. the fact is it doesn't matter what my last text said to him.. did he misinterpret it was I too harsh. It's as simple if you want to talk to someone you will, if you don't you wont, at the end of the day we are all very simple creatures, life is simple.. but we make it complicated. I wasn't happy throughout the entire nine months, I had periods of it, brief though they were. So as someone else said.. neeexxttt..

 

Of course at the moment I feel quite chipper, I will probably be all 'woe is me' in the morning.. but one day at a time. Again, hope you feel better, happy to discuss your situation if it helps?

 

x

[xuanqi1988]

Oh! We meet again, welcome to my latest heartache! Well, at least he was overseas and taking a long time to reply. My ex was in the same city and taking four days to reply.. but you know how every relationship is different and you sort of just think.. 'this is what mine is like' I just accepted it because we worked like that and I never questioned his commitment to me. But at the beginning of November something felt off, I know everyone here has said it is someone else.. but again my own gut feeling is that this man is just.. he is troubled. He would often explain to me how relationships are a social construct and we believe we need someone else because society tells us we are not enough on our own.. sometimes he would just look at me as if he couldn't work out what it was about me that made him want to spend time with me.. ALWAYS A NICE FEELING! Lol.. um have I lost my point... let me get back on track..

 

Yes.. I realised this on Sunday night, it doesn't matter why, who, what, where or how.. the fact is it doesn't matter what my last text said to him.. did he misinterpret it was I too harsh. It's as simple if you want to talk to someone you will, if you don't you wont, at the end of the day we are all very simple creatures, life is simple.. but we make it complicated. I wasn't happy throughout the entire nine months, I had periods of it, brief though they were. So as someone else said.. neeexxttt..

 

Of course at the moment I feel quite chipper, I will probably be all 'woe is me' in the morning.. but one day at a time. Again, hope you feel better, happy to discuss your situation if it helps?

 

x

 

sounds like we are on the same boat, regardless of which of our exes was the bigger *******. :p:p

of course every relationship is different. You can meet a guy who is 100% committed to you yet something is off about him, or it can be the other way around. But the truth is, there needs to be a balance in terms of the effort that you make. Of course it's good to be considerate of the other person's situation, but neither of you guys should be the center of the relationship. It doesn't have to be exactly 50:50, but it can't be 80:20 either. It just doesn't work that way. If one party has to make most of the effort, the relationship isn't working.

And as you pointed out yourself, it takes no more than 30 seconds to text someone, so why can't they do it? because they don't care enough to...because they know we would stick around regardless...because it wouldn't have been a big deal even if we leave...sad but true. I can understand a guy prioritize his work before me, but a few text messages or a short phone call would have been expected at least? They say if a man is too busy, he would at least let you know he is thinking about you, in any shape or form. Trust me, when you find a man that treats you right, you would thank yourself for making this decision.

From the sound of it, you got a little brainwashed by this guy. You may or may not completely agree with his points, but you try to understand his behavior/actions from his perspective. But why isn't he doing the same, I wonder? Reflecting on my experience, I feel the same. we need to stop thinking for them and trying to justify their actions when they are clearly not doing the same thing for us. You sound like me in the sense that you like a man with his own thing and would not bend over for anyone else. That's why both they and we put them at the center of the relationship and let them lead the relationship, while they are quite confused themselves. And that's why the whole relationship ends up confusing and ambiguous. Again, there needs to be a balance. It takes two to tango.