Just not getting better

[Alcoholicex]

I met my ex 8 years ago. I was living in California at the time from NY and I saw him on the beach and was sold. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. I knew he had recently been to rehab for alcoholism but my knowledge on the disease was limited. He was 26 years old and I assumed things had just gotten a little out of control for him and he was on the right path now. A few weeks into dating he drank. I could see then he shouldn't be someone that drinks and was supportive in his recovery, even attending meetings with him. A few months after dating he asked me to move in with him and I did. It was tumultuous to say the least and I should have left then. He crashed a car into the house, got 3 DUIs, over medicated with prescription pills, he was basically a hot mess. But through it all he was the kindest, most loving, loyal man I had ever known and I decided to stick it out and see if he could get help. He told me that he needed a "start over" so after a year in California we picked it up and moved to Denver. I got a new job within a week and he didn't. After a month of being there he started drinking again BAD.. We lived like this for several months before I finally decided to get out. He came home while I was packing my bags to come back to NY (my home town). He was so distraught at my leaving and so drunk he became threatening and violent. I called the police and because of strict domestic violence laws in Denver he was arrested for "felony assault" tried and convicted (even when I said he needed court mandated rehab and not jail) and spent a year in prison. I moved back home and restarted my life. I was OK. I realized the relationship was doomed from the start and that he was sick and needed way more help than I was equipped to give him. I didn't hear from him once the entire time he was away. A few months after his release he called me. He was apologetic and sounded truly different. Like this experience had been his rock bottom. He didn't ask me for anything and just wanted to say sorry. I accepted his apology and went on with my life. Slowly but surely he started to creep his way back in. He was now 100% everything I remembered. The sweet, kind, caring gorgeous man who would tell a Victoria secret model to leave him alone because he was in a relationship. He expressed over and over again how I was his soul mate. How we belonged together forever and I ate it up. I believed he had changed. And my naivety told me that prison was enough and a year without alcohol wasn't enough. I told him I didn't want to leave NY and he said he wanted to come here and start the life with me he always dreamed of having. I was 30 now. I wanted him, I wanted a family. I said we needed to take it slow. I would come to California (where he was back living now) and see him for short visits until I was certain his drinking was no longer a problem. He was WONDERFUL. 8 months later I asked him to move here and he did. I was the happiest person alive with him. He was becoming close my family, he was everything I ever dreamed he could be and more. On a trip to CA he surprised me with a visit to a ring store and we picked out the ring he was going to propose with. A few months after that everything went to hell again... He started drinking again so heavily. He called me from a motel room and said he was going to kill himself. I had to call the police. This went on for another couple of months I tried to help him I wanted my person back. It got to the point where I thought he was going to die. I called his family and they came out here to get him and take him back to treatment. I still hadn't given up on him. I was willing to stick it out while he got help. I visited him, and supported him. His first trip home he drank, went back to treatment, came home and drank. November of last year was the last time I saw him. We went on an amazing trip together where he assured me of his progress. On thanksgiving he drank, and then again on Christmas. Then things REALLY went to hell. He terrorized me and my family and ultimately ended up revealing a family secret that nearly destroyed all our lives. He started calling me from strange numbers threatening to kill me and my family. I had to go stay with my parents bc I feared for my safety. He soon went missing and was living homeless on the streets of LA. He was picked up on a homeless sweep and went back into treatment. He entered treatment feb of this year and has been sober since. I spoke to his mother a few times and she told me about how great he was finally doing. I didn't speak to him until May. I reached out to him. He said he was so happy to hear from me, he was scared to contact me. He cried, was so so so so sorry. He explained to me he finally understood he had a disease and needed lifelong treatment. He got very involved in the program, made all new friends, had a great new job, a new apartment on the beach and he told me no matter how long it took to forgive him our love was a forever type of love and he would wait for me forever. Of course I thought no way am I doing this again. But I couldn't let go. I kept contacting him. I finally saw the REAL change. He was completely different in every aspect. I loved the knew him even more. I asked to see himAnd he said no. He started to tell me things like his past is too painful to revisit and I'm part of his past. He said he was never coming to NY again and he didn't want me in California. He kept pushing me away and I kept coming back. Until he finally told me there was was someone new in his life and I needed to move on. He said he's "finally happy for the first time in his life" he told me his personal life is none of my business. And he told me he's just not in love with me anymore. I was aggressively destroyed by this information. I endured 8 years of mental trauma waiting for the day his sobriety would matter to him and now someone else gets him. I'm 33. I feel desperately alone and I don't know what to do. I haven't even seen him in over a year and I can't let him go. I feel crazy desperate and pathetic.

[Downtown]

He explained to me he finally understood he had a disease and needed lifelong treatment.

Ex, welcome to the LoveShack forum. Yes, his issue might be a disease or, alternatively, a personality disorder. I mention this alternative explanation because the behaviors you describe -- threats of self harm, physical abuse, verbal abuse, rapid flips between adoring and devaluing you, and lack of impulse control -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder, which is not a disease).

 

An important issue, then, is whether his display of BPD traits was caused by the alcoholism or, rather, the reverse is true: the alcoholism was caused by strong BPD traits. If you are interested in exploring that possibility, I suggest you read my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful experience -- e.g., avoid taking him back or avoid running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, Ex.

[minimariah]

^^^ i agree with everything in the post above.

 

alcoholism aside - he probably has some major personality issues... the signs are most definitely there.

 

also -- when you really think about it... he didn't change at all. he "recovered" without having the decency to call you or anyone else from your family to apologize for all the damage he did (that's usually a part of every AA program, to right your wrongs); he wasn't honest with you until the moment he realized his excuses aren't driving you away and finally... his last words are unnecessarily harsh.

 

so the change you see is probably VERY superficial. not to mention that he is only a couple of months sober -- a loooooooong & difficult road is ahead of him.

 

i would advise you to seek some professional help -- living with personality disorder/mental illness can pretty much leave you with a PTSD and when your abuser finally does leave - you are left feeling like a fish out of the water.

 

he did you a favor, sweetheart - even though it hurts right now... he isn't the man for you. please, keep your head up and keep going. take care of yourself and try to focus on the UP and future.

Edited December 5, 2015 by minimariah

[Downtown]

He was so distraught at my leaving and so drunk he became threatening and violent. I called the police and because of strict domestic violence laws in Denver he was arrested for "felony assault" tried and convicted

The repeated physical battering of a partner or spouse by an adult is strongly associated with that adult having strong traits of a personality disorder, particularly BPD. Intense, inappropriate anger is one of the nine defining traits for BPD.

 

If your exBF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

[Alcoholicex]

Thank you for the responses.. Downtown- it's funny you said that because I had him self diagnosed with BPD for a while. He did exhibit every trait of a borderline person. From what I've seen since then it was the alcoholism increasing the BPD behavior and he's been seeing professionals since the beginning of his recovery so I guess they have helped with that. I guess where I'm sooo lost is I feel like coming back to me was a part of his bad behavior and him not coming back this time might show a true change and now some other woman is going to have everything I ever wanted. I know that sounds so pathetic. I have just convinced myself that if I can love someone after everything we had been through I could love them forever.

 

Minimariah- your words meant a lot. Because you're right and I kept saying that him. Shouldn't you NEED to apologize to them as part of your recovery and he just kept saying he didn't see the point. Which hurt like a bitch but I kept trying to put myself in his shoes and imagine how shameful it must be to have to revisit the pain he caused and how much easier it was for him just to move forward. I pray to God that you are correct in your assumption his "new life" is superficial because as horrible as it sounds I just can't handle having been tortured for that long and having to live with these miserable scars while he "runs off into the sunset" to live out his happy life. My only mental retribution at this point would be for him to drink again. I don't want to be a person that selfish but his last words were so harsh and feel and intense amount of anger and hatred toward him right now. Which as you know, is often more to handle than love.

I KNOW the day is going to come when I feel better and when this will hopefully have turned out for the best. But the words "there is someone new in my life" are playing on a loop in my mind that won't stop.

 

 

 

 

Thanks again !!!

[StBreton]

I'm really sorry you've gone through this Ex and for the pain you still feel.

 

Even though you aren't with this guy anymore, maybe joining an Al-Anon group will help you process the whole experience and be able to move on and feel emotionally healthy again. The group might also address why you decided to still engage with this person (go back and forth with him) as I would have run the other direction...a long time ago. Again I'm sorry to hear of your pain and hope the new year brings forth a new beginning.

[minimariah]

I guess where I'm sooo lost is I feel like coming back to me was a part of his bad behavior and him not coming back this time might show a true change and now some other woman is going to have everything I ever wanted. I know that sounds so pathetic.

 

it's not pathetic at all - your pain is totally understandable. and it is hurtful to be with someone for so long, to invest in them and in their future recovery only to have them NOT come back when they are recovered... and to share that with someone else. i think we've all felt that way at least once - you were waiting for the Best Version of your man and then you see that version with someone else but minus all the struggle. however - that feeling does die out. and eventually - you see that his "greatness" simply wasn't meant for you, that you confused a life lesson for a soulmate and that him getting sober and finding someone else was a BLESSING.

 

because, honey - a life with an addict is a long and a bumpy road. add a personality disorder and it's hard even for those who receive treatment. and don't you want better for yourself? how about a man who was NEVER an addict to begin with? who didn't try to kill you, who didn't hurt your family...? even his "recovered and changed" self won't be good for you. you know? he did too much damage he can't and doesn't seem to care to even APOLOGIZE for... let alone to try & fix.

 

Shouldn't you NEED to apologize to them as part of your recovery and he just kept saying he didn't see the point.

 

i think you're focusing on the big things - he is sober, had a great job, has a great apartment and someone new in his life. to most of us, that equals a perfect & happy life BUT... take a look at this part -- he did you wrong, he did your FAMILY wrong and he doesn't see the point in reaching out and apologizing...? in his recovery -- he is STILL harsh & cruel to you... started out as nice & "our love is forever" - when he saw that you kept coming back & didn't buy his excuses, he is harsh & almost cruel in an effort to finally drive you away.

 

what happens with addicts a lot - they tend to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. instead, they simply "black out" their past and run as fast as they can in the opposite direction and they stay away in this lifelong effort to stay clean. so while they do that - they "mark" all of those folks who were with them during their addiction as "dangerous" & kick them out of their lives.

 

i'm pretty sure that's what had happened here, too - it's not about you being "bad", it's simply the way an addict thinks. i think you were way too long in an abusive relationship and you developed some harmful "love" patterns; it could be that you started to seek validation of your worth through his recovery; you reaching out to him after so long and after all that damage does show a certain bad pattern... why didn't you run the opposite way after all that you've been through for 8 years? why didn't you forget about his existence after he threatened to KILL you? all of these need to be addressed -- i would really suggest you seek some professional help. a guidance and a therapist who deals exclusively with abusive relationships survivors + PTSD.

[brokehrt]

This guy sounds worse than me. You are certainly better without him. I know if I was given another chance I'd take it and never look back. He definitely messed up. I don't think he could handle the guilt. You will meet someone who appreciates and deserves you. I'm sure my ex will too. And it will haunt me forever.