sunshinegirl Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a few weeks...ever since breaking NC only to learn that my ex-boyfriend has had absolutely no second thoughts about dumping me. It was an excruciating lesson in the dangers of breaking NC, and I was crushed all over again, but somehow it also enabled me to let go of my hope and finally start the work of really moving on. So I've had a couple weeks that, all told, have been pretty good. I haven't even really cried during this time, which is a definite first since our breakup 4 months ago. My ex hasn't been the first thing on my mind when I awake (maybe 4th or 5th) and I've made more of an effort to reach out to old and new friends. In the last few days, though, there have been a lot of 'triggers' that are pulling me back down into sadness and those awful, stupid, irrational feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. I keep remembering the good and I can't seem to focus on the bad. I still haven't cried the way I used to, but at the moment I feel stuck in thoughts like "why does he get to glide right through this with no pain, and go back to his happy, full, play-all-I-like-because-I-have-no-responsibilities life, while I feel like I'm still struggling to remember what I like about me and my life?" I hate that I'm letting myself believe that somehow he's a better person--for the life of me, I can't seem to kick him off the damn pedastal for good. The simple fact that he dumped me should be enough for me to say "well duh! Obviously he's a damn fool and not worth my time or tears!" But I let myself get pulled into the downward spiral of doom--"I'll never love again"..."I'll never meet someone better"..."What if I never get over him?" These thoughts scare me. Any advice?
Marshbear Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 It's because you still love him. You only see the good because you miss him and wish things could have worked out for the both of you. It is normal to have good days and then days that you miss him terribly. As time goes by the bad days will become less and less. If they do not then you are obsessing and you need to seek counseling. Many people go into NC thinking that it will make your ex miss you and you want them to hurt. You cannot use NC in these terms because it is so you can accept that the relationship is over and some hope of another chance will not happen. As time goes on you will not want a second chance with them as you will see them in a entirely different light. Be strong and hang out with friends and positive people and you will soon be happy again and loving life. Peace...
DesertDweller Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 Hi. Sorry for your pain. I would identify those triggers and try to eliminate them. For instance, for about a year after my ex died, I didn't listen to music. I didn't want to associate certain songs with sadness. Okay, I did listen to classical music because it doesn't have any lyrics... You get the picture...Reading also helps. I read books on relationships and self-esteem. And these posts! It helps to know others are going through the same suffering. Last but not least, take care of yourself. If you're worried you won't find someone else, then make sure you're ahead of your competition. Get into shape (if you're not already), get a new hairstyle. Look good for someone who deserves you! Hey, if he's not moping around, why should you? Be strong!
loveisallaround Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear As time goes by the bad days will become less and less. I can testify for that! Originally posted by Marshbear Many people go into NC thinking that it will make your ex miss you and you want them to hurt. You cannot use NC in these terms because it is so you can accept that the relationship is over and some hope of another chance will not happen. Again, right on the nail! It's an ironic twist in events: the only way somebody else will ever come back to you is if you move on yourself. That, and of course, a good chemistry and love for eachother that was "meant to be." Get out there in the world. Chase your ambitions. Get down to business and move on. If he comes back, so be it. But I bet your bottom dollar you'll find somebody better.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2005 Author Posted May 30, 2005 Get out there in the world. Chase your ambitions. Get down to business and move on. If he comes back, so be it. But I bet your bottom dollar you'll find somebody better. I have no illusions that he'll be back. He made it very clear when we were in touch that he felt mere "friendship" toward me. This is probably what I needed to give up the illusion that 3 months of NC was making him miss me more...that it would bring him back. So I'm doing what I can to get out there, to move on. But I just feel so frustrated that after four months, I can still feel so worthless, so unloveable and I can imagine him to be some Roman god who slipped through my fingers. It feels tough to believe I'll meet someone better because he was SOOOO much better than my boyfriend before him. I've almost imagined him to be the picture of perfection for me--we fit so well in so many ways--and now I'm mad at myself that I can't seem to 'unhook' emotionally and/or to see him as the emotionally immature guy that most other people seem to be able to see. I would identify those triggers and try to eliminate them. I'm not sure the triggers are easily eliminated: I was in East Asia for work, and it reminded me of the last time I was in E Asia for work (when things were going well w/ the boyfriend and he was coaching me via email about the trip). Last weekend he was supposed to take me to a Sarah MacLachlin concert. I was on the flight to Asia during the concert itself but couldn't help but think about it--he had given me the tix for my birthday way back in December. It's also almost the 1-yr anniversary of meeting each other. I'm not intentionally dwelling on things that trigger my sadness, but the thoughts just pop up and I have a hard time disengaging from them once they're there. Maybe part of what sucks so bad is the simple fact that someone I enjoyed so much--and I KNOW he enjoyed me--is now completely, thoroughly absent from my life.
suegail Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's painful. One good thing seems to be that he's not trying to spare your feelings - - he's not leaving you clinging to any false hope. As you've pointed out, this has allowed you to begin to make some progress, and it will get better, it will get easier over time. You seem like a good person and he's probably a good person, from what you've said, he treated you well. I guess the main thing at this point is to not allow the way you feel about yourself to depend on anything having to do with him. This seems to be where you are right now, struggling with low self-esteem, and it's a hard place to be. Just know that you are strong and intelligent and don't allow this to drag you down to this point of feeling worthless or unlovable, because I'm sure that is simply not true. You're only feeling that way because you remember yourself as basically riding on the great high of being in love, and gosh, we all feel fabulous in that condition. It's just the low point, the let down you're going through right now that's distorting your point of view.
Isabella82 Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 I can completely relate to all of the feelings you are describing. My break up happened a year ago, and I still have my bad days. I have not met anyone new yet, but I do not think I am ready anyway. In your post you said that your one year anniversary of when you two first met is coming up. So how long were you guys together? You should just be glad that he broke up with you now, instead of years down the road, after you have invested even more time and emotion into the relationship.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2005 Author Posted May 30, 2005 In your post you said that your one year anniversary of when you two first met is coming up. So how long were you guys together? You should just be glad that he broke up with you now, instead of years down the road, after you have invested even more time and emotion into the relationship. We dated for just six months...or seven, I guess, though the last month was basically us "taking a break" (at my suggestion) and then him dumping me at the end of it. Yes, there are many reasons to be thankful, one of which is that he wasted just six months of my life instead of years. We dated long distance for the first 5 months, and then I moved to his city to take an incredible job opportunity. Almost immediately upon my arrival, he changed. But of course I had to force out of him what was wrong, because instead of telling me he was confused or was rethinking things, he withdrew and behaved passive aggressively. (Grr.) Many people who hear my story seem to think he's a commitment-phobe and several factors suggest this might be true (he's 34, hasn't had a serious relationship for 5 yrs before me, has a history of having dumped all prior girlfriends, is rather emotionally distant). So yes, I'm "glad" that this ended now, because I almost took a job overseas and we had planned to continue dating if I did--so it just would have blown up a year or two down the road. But right now it feels like a hollow gladness, because of course I had hoped that we had what it would take to "go the distance". I guess the main thing at this point is to not allow the way you feel about yourself to depend on anything having to do with him. This seems to be where you are right now, struggling with low self-esteem, and it's a hard place to be. Just know that you are strong and intelligent and don't allow this to drag you down to this point of feeling worthless or unlovable, because I'm sure that is simply not true. You're only feeling that way because you remember yourself as basically riding on the great high of being in love, and gosh, we all feel fabulous in that condition. Suegail, thank you for this. I do feel like a crazy person because I am normally confident, full of life, happy, strong. I've been through a worse breakup before, and I recovered, so you would think I could just apply everything I learned from that one to this. But it's not turning out to be that easy. This breakup is hard in part because it ended while we were still in the honeymoon phase, so yes, of course i was very much on the high of being 'in love'. I have very little "bad" stuff to trot out to help knock him off the pedastal. And, as my therapist points out, there is something about being rejected romantically that sends me off the deep end in terms of my self-esteem taking a plunge. That simply doesn't happen in any other area of my life. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not worthless or unlovable. I know this is what I need to cling to--that his leaving me says something about HIM, not me. He did, after all, date me for 6 months--so I must have been pretty fabulous for him to break a 5-yr dating drought--and the only thing that changed was my geography. I didn't even get the chance to screw things up once we were in the same city because from the first night I was in town, he was acting differently, cooler, toward me. Maybe that's what I should remember during my weak, sad moments.
suegail Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 Sunshinegirl, Something changed with him, and you just had no control over that. Some people just end up running from relationships, for their entire lives, for whatever reason. Maybe he had problems you weren't aware of. It sometimes takes a very long time to really know a person. You see what they want you to see. It could be that you are very much the lucky one, though I know you don't feel that way now. I hope you meet someone who is right for you. Give yourself some time to recover from this and then get out there and meet some people - - date, enjoy yourself. I think you've got alot to offer.
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