Why some women stay single

December 5, 2015

You seem to think girls can do no wrong in the dating game and that everything is the guys fault if something doesn't get scheduled.

Not a single person has said or implied this except you.

December 5, 2015

If you read my post, I did everything that someone who is interested in someone would do to demonstrate interest and get something scheduled, with no cooperation, no help, and no specific or difinitive language on her part. What is stopping her from texting me between then and now saying, "Hey, oberkeat, how about Sunday at 7?" The fact is, she is an unavailable woman. You seem to think girls can do no wrong in the dating game and that everything is the guys fault if something doesn't get scheduled.

No, no. Again, no one is saying that.

Clearly, if this particular, individual woman wanted to meet with you, she's doing a piss-poor job in helping make it happen. No one is arguing with that, and yes it's frustrating. She's unavailable, but you don't know if she's universally unavailable or simply unavailable to you. There's a big difference.

But it's not like anyone's "at fault" here. The fact that she won't text you back probably has nothing to do with you or some failure on your part—no one here is saying that. She either doesn't want to go out with you at all or she doesn't want to go out with you right now.

You can't say in one breath that women just have to sit back and do nothing to be in a relationship and also that they need to be willing to meet a dude halfway. "Meeting halfway" implies the need for some action on the woman's part.

FWIW, I've been were you are plenty of times. More often than not, I have been the one to express interest in going out, only to be turned down or ignored by men. So guess what, again, this goes both ways. It's still best not to generalize.

Edited December 5, 2015 by losangelena

December 5, 2015

If you read my post, I did everything that someone who is interested in someone would do to demonstrate interest and get something scheduled, with no cooperation, no help, and no specific or difinitive language on her part. What is stopping her from texting me between then and now saying, "Hey, oberkeat, how about Sunday at 7?" The fact is, she is an unavailable woman. You seem to think girls can do no wrong in the dating game and that everything is the guys fault if something doesn't get scheduled.

But that IS the point. She really likely does not WANT to schedule with you. Sorry she strung you along or made you feel like she did want to go out--girls and guys do the string along and/or fail to be upfront and direct when they are not interested. Like you said, essentially she is unavailable, to you. No one said it was your fault. You did the right things. She's not interested therefore not willing to cooperate or meet you halfway. She had no real intention of doing that. Girls do wrong in the dating game sometimes (as do guys) and this girl would be an example of that. How are we going to get you past the bitter, frustrated, ranting place you are in so you can find the right one for you?

Admit that dating can be frustrating? Yes, admittedly so. Not always though.

December 5, 2015

If you read my post, I did everything that someone who is interested in someone would do to demonstrate interest and get something scheduled, with no cooperation, no help, and no specific or difinitive language on her part. What is stopping her from texting me between then and now saying, "Hey, oberkeat, how about Sunday at 7?" The fact is, she is an unavailable woman. You seem to think girls can do no wrong in the dating game and that everything is the guys fault if something doesn't get scheduled.

Oh good gawd read Imajerk's post again. He is a guy ...so maybe you will listen to him!

As he said, the reason she didn't suggest another day and time, was because at that point in time she was focused on her studies! Not scheduling a date with you!

AND here you come pressuring her to clear her schedule. You are a stranger!

I realize it was not your intention to come off like you were pressuring but you were....

You should have done what Imajerk suggested, engage her a bit...get her mind off her studies, use your charm, sense of humor to pull her in...not text her again asking if she cleared her schedule for heaven's sake.

No offense...but you are the one sounding a bit self-centered and self-entitled here.

She has exams coming up, she is stressing about exams, the LAST thing she needs is a a guy, a virtual stranger pressuring her for a date!

You keep saying women think they can do no wrong.....might the same be said about you?

You seem to think YOU aren't doing wrong .....but I beg to differ.

You are unable to attract women....enough so that they wish to schedule a date with you....surely you must be doing something wrong.

Imajerk does not have this problem.... he is successful with women. Listen to him!

As opposed to remaining stubborn, not listening ....repeating the same mistakes, and blaming women for not being interested in you.

Edited December 5, 2015 by katiegrl

December 5, 2015

Blame, fault, wrong… argh! Who cares? Play to win!

Just trying to point out what you can change that MIGHT have more success: Suggest day, time, place. Think about things YOU can change if your way isn’t getting you what you want.

On the original topic, maybe some women stay single because they wait for a man with a plan. Be a man with a plan.

If you don’t want to and want them to do that, fewer women are going to want to date you.

Sometimes your complaints about the flaking or ghosting sound like battles of who can do the least.

December 5, 2015

I certainly dont think that women cant do no wrong when it comes to dating. Anyone who thinks that is deluded. But i also dont think that making out the whole dating thing as some gender war, where all who come under the same gender act in the same way is a useful approach. Also, we are not the enemy. (You can win the battle-get a date but you have already lost the war if you feel resentful and bitter.)

So you think many women cant find a bf simply because they dont meet guys halfway? ( i really wish it was that simple)

But i think you are wrong. When a girl is interested in a guy she will happily meet him halfway. She will, unfortunately , pretty often bend over backwards . Im guilty of that and so is every girlfriend i have. We get too accomodating and too willing to meet halfway etc A girl will only NOT meet halfway if she is not interested. And in that case even if she did meet halfway and ended up going on a date she would still be only wasting your time (as well as her own time) and she wouldnt be any closer to finding someone SHE thinks is a quality guy. So what is the point?

You say you have no sympathy for women who regularly turn down guys. Would you prefer girls wasting your time and going out with you when they dont feel excited about you at all? I dont understand your logic, i really dont. Or just because YOU feel you are a quality guy they should date you? Just to honour the fact that you deserve it for being a good guy?Despite of them not being excited about you? Where will that get you?

I regularly turn down guys and im single. (I dont need anyones sympathy however). These are guys i know i wouldnt be a good match with. Even if they think they are quality men, i still turn them down if i dont think we would be a good match.I respect their time enough to not to waste it. (And even if i also feel they are good guys, even if i recognise that they are good people with integrity, etc i still might turn them down. Not because i want to self sabotage. But because being a good person is not always enough. If i dont find them attractive then being a good guy is not enough. If i want to spend time with a good person i meet up with my friend. )

And then you come out with the "girls have dating life on a silver platter" bs again. And that "women can get through life without feeling the sting of rejection". Seriously!? Women get rejected, dumped, ghosted, strung along, cheated on, stood up and hurt just like guys do. Even if we sit back and dont initiate we can still get rejected. Because guess what, standing outside a train station patiently waiting for a guy who i happily met halfway but who still never turns up hurts. Or sitting at home and waiting for a guy to ask you out after a date that went well, only to never hear from him is also pretty disappointing. So is being cheated on. That is a rejection that hurts pretty badly, you know. So no, women can NOT get through life without feeling the sting of rejection. Women can maybe go through life without asking out guys and being turned down but it is not the same as not feeling rejection. I dont know any women who hasnt been hurt. For you to suggest that women can get through life without feeling rejection is a sign that you are living a very different reality most of us women are living. For that reason im not even sure i should carry on..

Just because in the initial phases of dating men are expected to be more active doesnt mean that when we, women are accomodating and meeting halfway and appreciating the effort and still get rejected it hurts any less than it hurts guys to be turned down for a date.

Just because you see yourself as a quality guy and you think you would make a good partner it doesnt mean that a girl who refused to date you is unreasonable. Maybe she didnt find you attractive or didnt feel like you matched her requirements. Maybe to her you were not a quality guy. I also wouldnt think a guy who is so out of touch with reality as you is a quality guy.

December 6, 2015

Oh good gawd read Imajerk's post again. He is a guy ...so maybe you will listen to him!

As he said, the reason she didn't suggest another day and time, was because at that point in time she was focused on her studies! Not scheduling a date with you!

If that is true, she will get back to me once her test-taking commitments are done with. I personally have no intention of getting back in touch with her or taking the lead on it anymore. I was direct, honest and forthright with my interest and desire to get together and I feel very secure with how I handled my interactions with her. I've done enough.

I regularly turn down guys and im single. (I dont need anyones sympathy however). These are guys i know i wouldnt be a good match with. Even if they think they are quality men, i still turn them down if i dont think we would be a good match.I respect their time enough to not to waste it. (And even if i also feel they are good guys, even if i recognise that they are good people with integrity, etc i still might turn them down. Not because i want to self sabotage. But because being a good person is not always enough. If i dont find them attractive then being a good guy is not enough. If i want to spend time with a good person i meet up with my friend. )

Some of your points are reasonable. But the gal I've described in the first post has no way of knowing if I'm a quality guy or a good match. She didn't give me a chance to show that. Because she never made herself available and didn't meet me halfway on pinning down a time. She was unreceptive to my attempts to schedule time with her. That is the true and unique rejection that guys experience. Not being given a fair hearing by the women they pursue, no matter how much integrity they have, no matter how pure their intentions. As I said before, I think both parties miss out when that occurs.

December 6, 2015

This falls under - Interested people act interested.

The problem is women never reject by saying, "Sorry, I'm not interested" the preferred method is to keep frustrating the guy until he finally quits.

Sorry, but a woman not responding to a man is not an example of "keep frustrating the guy."

Not responding is good enough.

Its also one of the reasons that I am not in favor of a guy being expected to "chase" women all over creation. Now, in threads pertaining to initiation and pursuit you will rarely see women acknowledging this kind of behavior.

I'm not in favor of chasing all over creation either. I am in favor of people pairing up with other people that they really WANT to be with. Personally, I would rather be alone than with somebody I disliked. And if I were lonely, I'd reserve the right to complain about that until I found somebody I DID like!! I hope most guys would do the same. Guys I know do, thank goodness.

December 6, 2015

If that is true, she will get back to me once her test-taking commitments are done with. I personally have no intention of getting back in touch with her or taking the lead on it anymore. I was direct, honest and forthright with my interest and desire to get together and I feel very secure with how I handled my interactions with her. I've done enough.

Some of your points are reasonable. But the gal I've described in the first post has no way of knowing if I'm a quality guy or a good match. She didn't give me a chance to show that. Because she never made herself available and didn't meet me halfway on pinning down a time. She was unreceptive to my attempts to schedule time with her. That is the true and unique rejection that guys experience. Not being given a fair hearing by the women they pursue, no matter how much integrity they have, no matter how pure their intentions. As I said before, I think both parties miss out when that occurs.

But you said in your original post that you had met, chatted, long enough to discover you had many things in common, right?

So she had plenty of opportunity to determine her level of interest, if she was attracted to you.... and whether SHE considered you a quality guy, for her. Having things in common mean jack shyt if she (or you) don't feel attracted.

Obviously, at first there was an interest, but interest and feelings can change on a dime in the very early stages, which I think is what happened.

After exchanging a few texts with you thereafter, she LOST interest. Simple as that.

But you are right, she is unavailable.... to you. With another man she is actually interested in, she WILL be available.

That's how it works.

Next.

December 6, 2015

If you really want a bf, you must make yourself available. If you are making it difficult for men to get one on one time with you, you have no business complaining about being single and unable to get a man. That's simple logic.

trust me, if a woman is really interested she will make herself available

December 6, 2015

Mounting additional pressure on the girl during an exam prep probably wasn't a good idea.

I don't think I would have responded either if he was not concerned about my studying.

On the other hand, the girl knew she would be busy with this exam and although OP omits telling us how they met, I am going to assume it was OLD. She could very well have made herself unavailable from the get go by hiding her profile, stay inactive until her exam passed etc., rather than having to fade away from anyone, not just the OP.

if she truly did not have time because of an exam, why bother responding to any potential dating requests?

December 6, 2015

Mounting additional pressure on the girl during an exam prep probably wasn't a good idea.

I don't think I would have responded either if he was not concerned about my studying.

On the other hand, the girl knew she would be busy with this exam and although OP omits telling us how they met, I am going to assume it was OLD. She could very well have made herself unavailable from the get go by hiding her profile, stay inactive until her exam passed etc., rather than having to fade away from anyone, not just the OP.

if she truly did not have time because of an exam, why bother responding to any potential dating requests?

I showed plenty of concern for her school commitments. I said that her education comes first and that scheduling a date after her exam might be a better idea than something during her study break. I seem to be damned either way with this.

December 6, 2015

Well, yeah those can be excuses, but in her case, she really did go out of state for the holidays and has spent the last week hacking up a lung. However, she's not communicating any of that to the guys she's talking to. The guys she's supposedly so interested in dating. She's a self-sabotager though, when it comes to dating. I think she gets scared off by the idea of putting herself out there and intimacy (emotional), and will take things to a certain point and the drag her feet or make it overly complicated. That's why she works all the time, too, the perfect excuse to not get into a relationship.

Yeah, I forgot to mention (the OP said they were in college, yes? Said she was studying for a test?

Listen...if this is the case...college is probably the #1 point in anyone's life where the opportunity to not only MEET but to do plenty of dating...college will probably be the BIGGEST dating pool you WILL ever come across (if you go to college)

I showed plenty of concern for her school commitments. I said that her education comes first and that scheduling a date after her exam might be a better idea than something during her study break. I seem to be damned either way with this.

If you say, "I'm not here to date, but focus on my classes/studies." is feeding you a line of BS/not into you. Usually women who say this....a few months later, you'll see them getting romanced and their study buddy. LOL

I know tons of people that took full time courses in universities and time to flirt, go to parties, date and socialize and still wound up doing well in college.

Colleg is THE hook-up place that you'll come across in your life. After that....your pool goes way down.

Edited December 6, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst

December 6, 2015

That is exactly what I'm saying Ruby. I have a right to come on these boards and complain because I have done everything humanly possible proactively to bring the right woman into my life, without success. Getting a girlfriend for me is a matter of things that are outside of my control changing i.e. luck. For women, it is different. All they have to do is stand there and wait for a decent man to approach, and be receptive to his attempts to schedule a date. But many refuse to do that. They sit back, reject men like myself who are making an effort, then complain that they cannot find a man, as in the examples I cited. That makes no sense to me, and is inherently contradictory. That does not sit right with me.

Where you go wrong is assuming it is any different for women looking for a relationship. There is no "standing there and waiting" for women or for men. Sure, women can get attention from guys without much effort, especially if they are physically attractive. But much of that attention is from guys who are responding to the woman's looks and who are perhaps not very good-looking themselves, or who are pushy or rude because they see attractive women as objects and evince no real interest in getting to know these women beyond what they offer with their looks. Those guys usually are ignored.

Finding someone when the object is just to find SOMEONE is not that hard, for either gender. Women can settle for the horny guy who thinks she's hot; men can settle for the low-self-esteem girl who is flattered by any male attention. But the game changes when a man or woman is at a stage when only the RIGHT kind of opportunity presents itself. At this point in my life, for example, I want a guy who intrigues me first with his looks, manners and charm, and then reveals something inspiring, something that tells me he is a hard worker, a man with passions, and a man who knows how to connect emotionally with people he cares about and values that kind of connection. In the past two years, I have had 10 men be actively interested in me--"actively" in that they actually asked me on a date. Some of them were not interesting enough to me to bother going on a date; the rest of them I dated once or twice and just didn't feel it. It was clear to me with all these guys that they frankly are not good enough. I don't think I'm being unfairly picky; I just think I finally have reached a stage in my development as a person where I value myself too much to waste time on anyone who doesn't seem a match for my intellect, introspective capabilities or values. I know I have a great deal to offer in a relationship and I want to see some sign early on that a guy has things to offer on a par with what I have. I'm an attractive woman and so it's reasonable, in my opinion, for me to expect that the guy be attractive, too. Since I am not superficial generally, I can overlook looks if they show something really attractive personality-wise. The guys who have come my way these past two years did not fulfill any of these criteria. And I haven't encountered any men recently who inspire me to want to pursue them.

Am I frustrated at times that I am single, when I'd love with all my heart to have a great relationship with a great guy? Sure. But like all of us, I have to trust that what I seek will present itself in time, so long as I live true to my values, remain open to meeting new people, and continue working to expand myself as a person. The only surefire way to never finding a good relationship is to get bitter and give up. It's hard; it's not easy for anyone.

December 6, 2015

That's exactly what I believe. Unless a woman is working 60hours a week, is disabled, or disfigured, there's no reason in the world she should have a hard time finding a man in real life. Not unless she refuses to meet her suitors halfway.

Would you please address this:

Do you HONESTLY believe that if a woman is really interested in a guy who approached her, that she'd refuse to meet him halfway and then complain about it?

I have never heard of that happening. It probably does sometimes though. It would be weird.

Refusing to meet a man she does not like halfway? Of course, it happens all the time.

Just because you think of yourself as a decent good looking great catch, and you might well be!!! that still doesn't mean that a woman has to go for you.

Do you get this at all??:confused:

December 6, 2015

Would you please address this:

Do you HONESTLY believe that if a woman is really interested in a guy who approached her, that she'd refuse to meet him halfway and then complain about it?

I have never heard of that happening. It probably does sometimes though. It would be weird.

Yes, it's true. I posted some links to threads where women are doing this exact thing earlier in this thread. It is indeed weird.

December 6, 2015

Where you go wrong is assuming it is any different for women looking for a relationship. There is no "standing there and waiting" for women or for men. Sure, women can get attention from guys without much effort, especially if they are physically attractive. But much of that attention is from guys who are responding to the woman's looks and who are perhaps not very good-looking themselves, or who are pushy or rude because they see attractive women as objects and evince no real interest in getting to know these women beyond what they offer with their looks. Those guys usually are ignored.

Finding someone when the object is just to find SOMEONE is not that hard, for either gender. Women can settle for the horny guy who thinks she's hot; men can settle for the low-self-esteem girl who is flattered by any male attention. But the game changes when a man or woman is at a stage when only the RIGHT kind of opportunity presents itself. At this point in my life, for example, I want a guy who intrigues me first with his looks, manners and charm, and then reveals something inspiring, something that tells me he is a hard worker, a man with passions, and a man who knows how to connect emotionally with people he cares about and values that kind of connection. In the past two years, I have had 10 men be actively interested in me--"actively" in that they actually asked me on a date. Some of them were not interesting enough to me to bother going on a date; the rest of them I dated once or twice and just didn't feel it. It was clear to me with all these guys that they frankly are not good enough. I don't think I'm being unfairly picky; I just think I finally have reached a stage in my development as a person where I value myself too much to waste time on anyone who doesn't seem a match for my intellect, introspective capabilities or values. I know I have a great deal to offer in a relationship and I want to see some sign early on that a guy has things to offer on a par with what I have. I'm an attractive woman and so it's reasonable, in my opinion, for me to expect that the guy be attractive, too. Since I am not superficial generally, I can overlook looks if they show something really attractive personality-wise. The guys who have come my way these past two years did not fulfill any of these criteria. And I haven't encountered any men recently who inspire me to want to pursue them.

Am I frustrated at times that I am single, when I'd love with all my heart to have a great relationship with a great guy? Sure. But like all of us, I have to trust that what I seek will present itself in time, so long as I live true to my values, remain open to meeting new people, and continue working to expand myself as a person. The only surefire way to never finding a good relationship is to get bitter and give up. It's hard; it's not easy for anyone.

As long you acknowledge your role in your inability to snag a man, I think it's all good. I think you have passed up a lot of decent guys who could have made you very happy, because of your "standards". This goes back to my point about a lot women being their own worst enemy when it comes to getting the dating life they deserve.

December 6, 2015

OP, you are thinking WAY too hard about this stuff. Please give your brain a break, or better yet a vacation.

She is JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

I have been single for 11 YEARS and it has nothing to do with me not willing to come halfway. If I am interested in meeting a man I will make it happen no matter how busy I am.

Life is all about motivation.

If she is not motivated in meeting you MOVE TO NEXT.

Stop putting women in the same basket.

Your post should have ended this thread. It sums up why romantic interest (or any other kind of interest) isn't as complicated and confusing as the OP thinks. It's really quite simple.

Many people can easily tell when a person is truly interested in someone.

December 6, 2015

OP, you are thinking WAY too hard about this stuff. Please give your brain a break, or better yet a vacation.

Your post should have ended this thread. It sums up why romantic interest (or any other kind of interest) isn't as complicated and confusing as the OP thinks. It's really quite simple.

Many people can easily tell when a person is truly interested in someone.

these threads are kinda fun to read when you're bored though

December 6, 2015

I do think we are being somewhat harsh on the OP here.

I don't think people here are acknowledging how frustrating this situation looks from the OP's vantage point.

??? REALLY? The subject of this thread is: WHY WOMEN STAY SINGLE. This is not a guy talking about his frustration, it is a guy pointing his finger at women and blaming his own personal failures on MY entire gender. At the same time, completely dismissing any troubles ANY woman has gone through in dating or love.

You can't talk about women TO women so ignorantly and receive empathy from us.

December 6, 2015

. Follow the examples of guys who are having positive results. Adopt their belief systems, their mannerisms, their techniques. I don't want to downplay the obvious either because even good looking assh*les can make it to date one, so work on your look too. Sorry, this is brutal honesty. Women will meet you halfway under those conditions: ie copy guys who have NO PROBLEM getting women to meet them halfway. Or lower your own standards in terms of the women you are willing to date.

There is nothing those men are doing that I have not done or tried. In fact, as I've said before, many dudes have put up a lot less effort than I have and had gorgeous women fall into their laps nonetheless. It comes down to luck, nothing else. Many guys have obviously had more luck than myself in finding a woman who has no interest in flaking, ghosting, stringin' along, or playing games with them. Its unfortunate that those are the only women I've encountered, but maybe my luck will change one day.

December 6, 2015

The odd thing here- to me at least- is that tomorrow is Sunday.

She had her big exam today. If she's anything like me, she's an exhausted blob at the end of finals.

My BF said he found it odd that she said she could move her schedule around Sunday, but OP never proposed anything to do Sunday that she would move her schedule around to accommodate.

This happened with the last girl, when delaying until after Thanksgiving was brought up. I just think you quit too soon and think the worst when you don't need to. But of course it's your call.

December 6, 2015

As long you acknowledge your role in your inability to snag a man, I think it's all good. I think you have passed up a lot of decent guys who could have made you very happy, because of your "standards". This goes back to my point about a lot women being their own worst enemy when it comes to getting the dating life they deserve.

Why do you think women have these "standards"?

December 6, 2015

I think both men and women who are perpetually single and can't find a relationship are this way for the same reason: they go for people who are not interested in them and waste their time, and reject people who are interested in them and actually really available for a relationship . So you and the "women" have more in common than you realize.

Nothing to do with meeting halfway or other details like that. They just don't get that "HE/SHE is just not that into you"

December 6, 2015

As long you acknowledge your role in your inability to snag a man, I think it's all good. I think you have passed up a lot of decent guys who could have made you very happy, because of your "standards". This goes back to my point about a lot women being their own worst enemy when it comes to getting the dating life they deserve.

How do you know that those guys would have made her happy if only she relaxed her standards and settled for less than what she thinks she should? A guy who has enough emotional intelligence would be bothered by this eventually, knowing that she is settling. Everyone deserves to be with someone they are excited about and who is excited about them! Going into the relationship with the attitude of "alright this one will do because im just so desperate to be with someone. Never mind that they dont meet my criteria" is not a good basis for a solid relationship. The thing that was there originally, that little thing that made them feel like you are not the right person will carry on staying there and bothering them.

Im not sure you realise but you are very patronising towards women. It is like you are saying "ah you poor women, you simply dont know whats good for you. So let us guys decide what it is good for you. That will make you happy". Come on. Grown up women can tell what makes them happy, and feeling like they are settling for less in order to finally get out of the single market is a sure fire way to unhappiness in the long term.

A few pages ago you quoted a girl who came up with a list of qualities that the guy she would be happy to settle down with needs to have. The list is very reasonable in my opinion. Stuff like no racist, not agressive, over his x, emotinally healthy etc. I want all those things and they are non negotiable either, apart from the guy giving me presents bit. I dont care much about gifts. But all the other stuff is standard. No way unrealistic. So which one of those standards should she let go in your opinion?

The original girl your thread was about is someone who has met you in person. But still you say she hasnt even had time to get to know you and to be able to make an informed decision. I think you are missing the point. Meeting someone even for a very short time is perfectly enough to decide that someone is NOT right for me.

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