livingon Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 I wanted to write an email to him so much today on my 1st day NC. Telling him he is a bad person who played people's feelings, he should stop his sex addiction, doesn't he know he will suffer, he may be a charmer now, but not forever. It is an unsent email, I knew he will not reciprocate my care and concerns. He will be so happy to know that I wanted to contact him again. NO, every minute and sec passed, I feel sad, I keep on writing and it becomes a draft mail. I swam in the rain today. Yesterday after being so hurt by his unkind words, I went for my swim and I swam 3 full laps, wow, I am amazed by myself, if my coach knew I can swim a lap, he will jump to joy.
Chronotrgr Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Your on day 1 of NC, that's probably the hardest day, I'm on day 3 and it isn't much easier as I too am fighting my hand not to contact her, simply because its upsetting that she hasn't contacted me, there's a lot that I would like to say to her but it's honestly better left unsaid, even if just for the sake of saving face and keeping my dignity in tact. I envy you, I love swimming, I swim quite often, other than that I go on long bike rides, unfortunately the weather here is terrible and I'm still reeling from the effects of the flu so bike riding and swimming are sadly out of the question, at least for now. Keep on fighting that urge, its hard work but you'll find your self esteem again, handling a break up in good fashion will make you feel like a seasoned well respected warrior.
Author livingon Posted December 5, 2015 Author Posted December 5, 2015 You write long bike rides, he is a biker, I wanted to forget him !! Why I feel so weak, I am so......so tempted to write to him. Please, I have to go on, do not attempt to show my concern any longer, i have to keep reminding he is too cruel to me. Yesterday, I told him not to contact me anymore. He lies too much.
Chronotrgr Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 I'm a cyclist I should have phrased that a bit better, there's nothing wrong with being weak, it's a strength in it self to be vulnerable enough to let yourself feel and be aware of your feelings, the hard part is knowing you want to say something but for your own good, shouldn't, the hardest part though about being mentally abused and subject to mental cruelty is the aftermath, the abused feel attached to the abuser, almost as if the abuser is the only one person who can take the pain away because the abuser is the one causing the conflict within yourself, its important to recognise that and bare it in mind as a key reason for not breaking contact.
Author livingon Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 Yes, he is a cyclist as well. Morning, my mind is so fresh, past few days I couldn't figure out why he treated me in such manner. Now, I am so clear. It is all for sex, this is his way of punishing me as I refused to listen to him, I should do what he says and give him what he wants. I am not a slave..he wants to own my mind and body. Thanks for your enlightening words. I am now so tempted to tell him off, I see through his devious plots to lure me to give my entire self to him.
Chronotrgr Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 My apologies, I shouldn't have phrased it at all lol, some people really don't have a reason for treating other's in manipulative and disrespectful ways, or they do but their reason's aren't justifiable by any means, it sounds to me like he was a controlling person and probably possessive to boot, I know that feeling, I have been on both sides of the fence, once as a stupid teenager vying to get my own way all the time and going to the extremes to get it, and now as a grown man having it done to me. The most empowering thing you can possibly do is nothing, you must tell yourself you deserve better and you must believe that, being alone is better if the alternative is being treated in the ways he has treated you, maybe you think it would soothe your soul if he apologised, a part of me feels that way in my situation as well, but I know for sure if my ex did apologise it would count for nothing, just word's being spoken by a person I can no longer trust.
Author livingon Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 I flopped, I break my NC simply to tell him to break his addiction. I know he won't be bothered but I believe there will be one day he will realise it is really a big sin and he needs to stop. Slap me for wanted to reach out to him so much. So used to communicate to him, now I must stop.
Chronotrgr Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 I know how you feel, I've been finding it hard trying to maintain NC, it's hard when you have a lot of feelings trapped inside, I'm not going to personally do this as I feel I've missed my opportunity now but you could send him a letter/email, write down everything you feel and blow off all that steam, after that, hit block and restart no contact, I mean.... There's no cast iron rules after all.
preraph Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 You will be so glad you went NC and worked on getting on with your life because you won't look back on it with this sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that he walked away with your self-respect and dignity as well. Don't LET him take that. Don't GIVE that to him. You just keep right on working it out physically by swimming and putting your best foot forward to keep your life and work and social life active and moving along, and your self-esteem will gradually build back up.
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