How to accept what you'd rather fix

[anonymousbear00101100]

I’d really like us to have another shot. We’ve broken up and gotten back together 3 times already, and a fourth time is just kind of ridiculous. I know that. But this was our first time trying long distance, and we just weren’t prepared for the challenge.

 

I made mistakes. I stopped being myself. I spent my days sitting in my room texting her while my friends went out and lived their lives. We talked about the future and how we wanted to spend our lives together, but neither of us was concerned enough about the present and being individuals within our relationship.

 

We both started to get depressed, and that caused us to start arguing all the time. She started failing in class. She got frustrated and started to hate herself. She wasn’t happy anymore. Neither was I, but I was oblivious to the changing condition. I should have seen the signs. I should have reached out and told her what was happening and what needed to change. Instead I just let it continue.

 

She had it harder. Her schedule was so full and busy and just too much for her. She couldn’t handle fixing our struggling relationship on top of everything. Had I just recognized the problem first and reached out, things would have been different. But instead she got there first, and she felt it was easiest to just end it.

 

I badly want to reach out to her, but I know I can’t. I’ve begged and I’ve yelled and I’ve cried. Nothing I say will help her or me. And the most frustrating part is, even if she still wanted to be with me, I don't think I would be able to trust her or feel secure in our relationship in the same way that I was before we broke up.

 

I feel so helpless. Neither of us were happy, but I feel like we should have been. I know I deserve to be with someone who would have said “Hey let’s fix this” rather than “Hey let’s end this”, but right now, that just doesn’t help. I’ve been told if I just fight this for a little while, I’ll come out the other side happier and stronger, but like a drug addict, that just isn’t enough motivation. I still feel like things should be different, and with better communication it would be. That’s probably just naive.

 

The worst part is I know she still cares about me, but she is just done trying. Maybe I should just be done trying too. I've kind of stopped hating myself and stopped hating her. I want us both to be happy, I just wish it could be together. I feel more at peace with the current situation, no longer jealous or competitive. However somewhere in my gut believes this isn't the end. I guess I just haven't accepted that it's over yet, and I just don't know how to.

[Meli22]

I’d really like us to have another shot. We’ve broken up and gotten back together 3 times already, and a fourth time is just kind of ridiculous. I know that. But this was our first time trying long distance, and we just weren’t prepared for the challenge.

 

I made mistakes. I stopped being myself. I spent my days sitting in my room texting her while my friends went out and lived their lives. We talked about the future and how we wanted to spend our lives together, but neither of us was concerned enough about the present and being individuals within our relationship.

 

We both started to get depressed, and that caused us to start arguing all the time. She started failing in class. She got frustrated and started to hate herself. She wasn’t happy anymore. Neither was I, but I was oblivious to the changing condition. I should have seen the signs. I should have reached out and told her what was happening and what needed to change. Instead I just let it continue.

 

She had it harder. Her schedule was so full and busy and just too much for her. She couldn’t handle fixing our struggling relationship on top of everything. Had I just recognized the problem first and reached out, things would have been different. But instead she got there first, and she felt it was easiest to just end it.

 

I badly want to reach out to her, but I know I can’t. I’ve begged and I’ve yelled and I’ve cried. Nothing I say will help her or me. And the most frustrating part is, even if she still wanted to be with me, I don't think I would be able to trust her or feel secure in our relationship in the same way that I was before we broke up.

 

I feel so helpless. Neither of us were happy, but I feel like we should have been. I know I deserve to be with someone who would have said “Hey let’s fix this” rather than “Hey let’s end this”, but right now, that just doesn’t help. I’ve been told if I just fight this for a little while, I’ll come out the other side happier and stronger, but like a drug addict, that just isn’t enough motivation. I still feel like things should be different, and with better communication it would be. That’s probably just naive.

 

The worst part is I know she still cares about me, but she is just done trying. Maybe I should just be done trying too. I've kind of stopped hating myself and stopped hating her. I want us both to be happy, I just wish it could be together. I feel more at peace with the current situation, no longer jealous or competitive. However somewhere in my gut believes this isn't the end. I guess I just haven't accepted that it's over yet, and I just don't know how to.

 

Acceptance that it's over for me is knowing that you're more invested than the other person is. If I'm with someone and they're having doubts or not sure they can commit anymore, I'm out. There's a difference between caring and actually wanting to be with someone.

[marky00]

Oh yeah man I hear you.

 

Im am a fixer believe me.

 

9 year relationship, had 2 semi-breakups, the 3rd one being the final one that broke us up permanently.

 

First breakup 3 years in I was the dumper... I wasn't feeling fulfilled in the LDR and some local girl started chasing after me which put me in a bit of mess. Anyway I dumped her and confessed at same time, but like 3 or 4 days later I had a big change of heart and told her I wanted to fix things. I know that sounds pretty crazy. I didn't handle that situation well but her unwavering inner brick wall kind of just led to an explosion on my end. I know you should never breakup with some to get leverage. All I know is when I sent her that email I was just feeling so depressed and annoyed about the relationship, but i wasn't ready to breakup with her... I know that now.

 

7 years into relationship she broke up with me over phone. I flew to her country unannounced 2 days later and asked her to breakup with me face-to-face. Reason for this was that I had been stuck at home for a long time with my business and my elderly dog and so I needed to mobilize myself and show her I could be mobile. Well anyway.... I think the act shocked her and she agreed to continue the relationship. Lots of people on here always say don't chase etc .... well... on this occasion it worked. Sure, her respecting you is no1 but no2 is showing that you do care and want to try. Dealing with NO1 is not easy but NO2 is very much fixable.

 

So yeah anyway, sound like ur relationship was like mine where u were the fixer. Like my Ex, you probably know she needs a bit of a a nudge and tempation to be want try and fix something.

 

Im 2 months NC but yeah it tough with my EX because even in the early days when she said i was a 10/10 she just had that personality where she expected me to do the groundwork. So now the relationship is over, she isnt going to change. This makes things more difficult because if they had a more up-front and wanting to get involved personality, we could truly trust their silence and move on.

[Nickr3023]

I’d really like us to have another shot. We’ve broken up and gotten back together 3 times already, and a fourth time is just kind of ridiculous. I know that. But this was our first time trying long distance, and we just weren’t prepared for the challenge.

 

I made mistakes. I stopped being myself. I spent my days sitting in my room texting her while my friends went out and lived their lives. We talked about the future and how we wanted to spend our lives together, but neither of us was concerned enough about the present and being individuals within our relationship.

 

We both started to get depressed, and that caused us to start arguing all the time. She started failing in class. She got frustrated and started to hate herself. She wasn’t happy anymore. Neither was I, but I was oblivious to the changing condition. I should have seen the signs. I should have reached out and told her what was happening and what needed to change. Instead I just let it continue.

 

She had it harder. Her schedule was so full and busy and just too much for her. She couldn’t handle fixing our struggling relationship on top of everything. Had I just recognized the problem first and reached out, things would have been different. But instead she got there first, and she felt it was easiest to just end it.

 

I badly want to reach out to her, but I know I can’t. I’ve begged and I’ve yelled and I’ve cried. Nothing I say will help her or me. And the most frustrating part is, even if she still wanted to be with me, I don't think I would be able to trust her or feel secure in our relationship in the same way that I was before we broke up.

 

I feel so helpless. Neither of us were happy, but I feel like we should have been. I know I deserve to be with someone who would have said “Hey let’s fix this” rather than “Hey let’s end this”, but right now, that just doesn’t help. I’ve been told if I just fight this for a little while, I’ll come out the other side happier and stronger, but like a drug addict, that just isn’t enough motivation. I still feel like things should be different, and with better communication it would be. That’s probably just naive.

 

The worst part is I know she still cares about me, but she is just done trying. Maybe I should just be done trying too. I've kind of stopped hating myself and stopped hating her. I want us both to be happy, I just wish it could be together. I feel more at peace with the current situation, no longer jealous or competitive. However somewhere in my gut believes this isn't the end. I guess I just haven't accepted that it's over yet, and I just don't know how to.

 

I see that you and I are very alike. I see you posting on other people's stuff and giving the best advice on the same exact scenarios....and then when it comes to yourself you're completely lost on what to do. It's very annoying how the heart and mind don't like to play well together. If she loved you, then you'll always have a piece of her heart....just as she will with yours. But it doesn't mean that it's meant to be. Some people are brought into our lives to just teach lessons. I believe I was brought into my ex's life to save her from herself right when her divorce happened. It's hard to accept that we we're never meant to be together because that's what it felt like and that's what I wanted to believe. But in the end, I met her for a reason, and unfortunately it wasn't to be my soulmate for the rest of my life. You have to look at it the same way. Why do you think you met her? What did she teach you? What did you teach her?

[anonymousbear00101100]

Oh yeah man I hear you.

 

Im am a fixer believe me.

 

9 year relationship, had 2 semi-breakups, the 3rd one being the final one that broke us up permanently.

 

First breakup 3 years in I was the dumper... I wasn't feeling fulfilled in the LDR and some local girl started chasing after me which put me in a bit of mess. Anyway I dumped her and confessed at same time, but like 3 or 4 days later I had a big change of heart and told her I wanted to fix things. I know that sounds pretty crazy. I didn't handle that situation well but her unwavering inner brick wall kind of just led to an explosion on my end. I know you should never breakup with some to get leverage. All I know is when I sent her that email I was just feeling so depressed and annoyed about the relationship, but i wasn't ready to breakup with her... I know that now.

 

7 years into relationship she broke up with me over phone. I flew to her country unannounced 2 days later and asked her to breakup with me face-to-face. Reason for this was that I had been stuck at home for a long time with my business and my elderly dog and so I needed to mobilize myself and show her I could be mobile. Well anyway.... I think the act shocked her and she agreed to continue the relationship. Lots of people on here always say don't chase etc .... well... on this occasion it worked. Sure, her respecting you is no1 but no2 is showing that you do care and want to try. Dealing with NO1 is not easy but NO2 is very much fixable.

 

So yeah anyway, sound like ur relationship was like mine where u were the fixer. Like my Ex, you probably know she needs a bit of a a nudge and tempation to be want try and fix something.

 

Im 2 months NC but yeah it tough with my EX because even in the early days when she said i was a 10/10 she just had that personality where she expected me to do the groundwork. So now the relationship is over, she isnt going to change. This makes things more difficult because if they had a more up-front and wanting to get involved personality, we could truly trust their silence and move on.

 

Yep exactly. She was not confident in her decision, just too stubborn to want to try again. I'm still holding out hope that over winter break, when the stress of her life has cooled off, I'll go home and she'll want to be with me. But I know that most likely won't happen, and I wouldn't want to break NC to hurt myself more. I kind of just need a way to realize it's definitely over, but her personality leads me to believe it's not.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Went on a date tonight with some girl I hadn't met before. She was very pretty and really nice and we had tons in common.

 

But the entire time I just didn't want to be there. I'd rather have been in my room, talking on the phone with my ex. I can't see myself happy with anyone else. It's only been three weeks, but I don't think that feeling is going away any time soon.

 

I don't think getting back together with her is possible, but I really wish it were. I feel like she isn't happy either, but she probably is. This sucks.