Pompom Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 So, after 30+ years I'm finally in a real relationship. Technically he's perfect. He adores and accepts me the way I am and we have all the things in common that are important to me. I love spending time together. I genuinely enjoy his company. But I hardly manage to look at him. It's not that he's ugly, he is just so far removed from my type I consider sex a task to get over with because he's so great to me. I just find him unattractive and I know that's me, not him. I have been in love many times, with guys who were my type, but it never went beyond a fling while this guy wants all the things I want. But while I keep hearing "sex is only the dessert", this is a lie for me. I need sex and lots of it. I didn't do sex work all those years ago because I needed money, I needed to get laid 15 times a day by a wide array of men I got to pick and choose from, and ended up choosing largely those I'd model characters in an erotic novel after. And I also shudder at the statement that a good relationship can be devoid of passion. I don't want that. What do I need a sexual/intimate relationship for, if not for sexual passion? I can have children on my own. If I want a friend, I have those, and if I want sex, I have a standing army of f*ck buddies. I want a marriage or something like it, where my husband is both my best friend, and the love of my life as well as attractive, ie. turns me on without alcohol or foreplay. I don't want that sad life where I have the stability of a relationship, but no sexual satisfaction or physical attraction, but I also don't want to lose a guy who is otherwise the perfect match and the first to come along in 30 years which means statistically I will die alone if not with this one. To me, there is simply no joy to the thought of being stuck with a person when they don't raise my blood pressure and don't make me want to throw myself at them. I can't enjoy sex with a guy just because he's nice. Everyone's nice. When I have a crush on someone, my blood pressure rises, I get silly, I stutter, I feel hot, I think about him all the time and I just want to go Grey's Anatomy on him. This guy does not do that to me. I tried to believe all the nonsense about being able to enjoy sex without passion because at least, hey, he carries your groceries and plays ball with your kids, but since a person is able to enjoy passionate, hot, mindless sex with a total stranger, that is obviously not always true. I don't know what to do. He's perfect for me but in my mind I'm with someone else who does all the things to me that passionate feelings do. Should I bring up open relationships or polyamorous ones, see how he responds to that? I don't wanna lose him but I can hardly live my life without either passion, or the permission to seek it with other men, can I? I want a love story, not a roommate I happen to be raising kids with. I never thought I could be unfaithful, but yesterday an attractive guy just walked up and asked for my number and without thinking, I gave it to him. And I'm sure he'd make a sh*t boyfriend and a crappy choice to lose my current boyfriend over. I just don't know what to do.
almond Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Staying with him is unfair, and is getting very close to using him. You could bring up the idea of an open relationship, but it probably won't go very well. Don't stay with this man, marry him, then cheat on him and fk up his life. If he is as good as you say he is...he deserves better than that. Go and find someone that you're attracted to. Let him go to find someone that is attracted to him. 3
PrettyEmily77 Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 If you're still not physically attracted to him even after spending time with him and getting to know him, how can he be perfect for you? Seems like you do know what to do - you should do it sooner rather than later, for your sake and his. 2
Author Pompom Posted December 5, 2015 Author Posted December 5, 2015 If you're still not physically attracted to him even after spending time with him and getting to know him, how can he be perfect for you? Seems like you do know what to do - you should do it sooner rather than later, for your sake and his. He's perfect in every way other than physical attraction. I don't cheat on him. And I'm not using him. I'm not letting him pay for more meals than the other way around and I'm not "keeping him warm". I'm not (anymore) a whore, so I'm not keeping a man around just to keep me fed. I want this relationship, I just don't know how to deal with the lack of "fire" for lack of a better word and I guess I'm hoping that this will still happen, I just don't see how it can. My personal opinion is that waiting for it to happen is a load of hopeful crap and people who tell me they weren't in love "right away" always sound like they just accepted the situation rather than be crazy about it, and I feel like they're just telling themselves this is the best they deserve and it makes me angry to listen to people smile and sigh like "But he's nice and good with the kids", like, that's sad. I don't want that kind of life where practical benefits try to justify a lack of romance and passion, but for us having everything else in common, I need to find that attraction.
bu2002 Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 You need to end the relationship with this man. It never should've ended up at 'boyfriend' status. There's nothing else left to debate. End this now. 2
Heatherknows Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 So, after 30+ years I'm finally in a real relationship. Technically he's perfect. He adores and accepts me the way I am and we have all the things in common that are important to me. I love spending time together. I genuinely enjoy his company. But I hardly manage to look at him. It's not that he's ugly, he is just so far removed from my type I consider sex a task to get over with because he's so great to me. I just find him unattractive and I know that's me, not him. Going on one more date with this man is cruel. Break up ASAP or you'll feel like a prostitute for the rest of your life.
gaius Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 I do think a lot of women end up with guys they're not that into Pom. Even to the point you're talking about, and they make it work because they have other priorities. But if you're already giving other guys your number, if you can't even behave yourself right now when it's new I'm not sure that kind of thing is for you. You could always talk to him about maybe being with other guys but I'd be very surprised if that didn't cause the end of the relationship.
Heatherknows Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 I do think a lot of women end up with guys they're not that into Pom. Even to the point you're talking about, and they make it work because they have other priorities. But if you're already giving other guys your number, if you can't even behave yourself right now when it's new I'm not sure that kind of thing is for you. You could always talk to him about maybe being with other guys but I'd be very surprised if that didn't cause the end of the relationship. OMG...NO. She says she can "hardly look at him"...WTF. When I met my husband I didn't feel passion for him but I thought he was VERY VERY handsome and I loved looking at him. He's over 6ft with a great body, dark hair (now grey) squared off jaw and hazel eyes. So yeah, no passion but lots of other great stuff and he was very nice to look at. Pom is using her boyfriend because she doesn't want to be alone. That's mean. 1
Timshel Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Pom, I have the exact opposite dilemma......jk..... 1
AspenBaldwin Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Looks like you are just holding onto this one, until a better one comes around. 1
WomenWubber Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 "Technically he's perfect..." Seriously, that's all I needed to read.
thefooloftheyear Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 The OP actually sounds like most men....Women seem more tolerant about areas of compatibility that aren't 100% physical...Men are the ones usually in this situation.. Anyway. What will probably happen is that you leave this guy and find the one that makes you wet your panties, but he'll be a douche bag and you will have sellers remorse... I do wish you well.. TFY
Sunberry Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 This isn't fair to him. As someone has told me on here, he should be with someone who will want him just as passionately as they want him. I don't think sex should ever feel like a chore in a relationship. I don't think I will ever get into a relationship knowing I wasn't at least attracted to them. I could understand if they were slightly attractive and the attraction grew after months of talking, but if nothing then that's when I know it's hopeless and it's just going to end in resentment and non fulfilment. You may want to think about ending the relationship if you know it's not going to get any better...
PrettyEmily77 Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 The OP actually sounds like most men....Women seem more tolerant about areas of compatibility that aren't 100% physical...Men are the ones usually in this situation.. Anyway. What will probably happen is that you leave this guy and find the one that makes you wet your panties, but he'll be a douche bag and you will have sellers remorse... I do wish you well.. TFY ....or, and bear with me on this, she may find someone she is attracted to at all levels because not all guys that make women 'wet their panties' are douchebags .
whichwayisup Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 You need to end the relationship with this man. It never should've ended up at 'boyfriend' status. There's nothing else left to debate. End this now. I have to agree with this. You 'love' him and he's a great friend who has wonderful qualities but he isn't the love of your life, he isn't sexually turning you on, there's no passion or love connection there... Sadly as much as you care for him and it'll hurt him, you need to end it. You can't cling to him and hope some day you'll feel 'it' for him. It was never there to begin with. He deserves a woman who will love and adore him. Don't hang onto him because he's great with your kids.
thefooloftheyear Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 ....or, and bear with me on this, she may find someone she is attracted to at all levels because not all guys that make women 'wet their panties' are douchebags . I was being "tongue n cheek"....Of course they don't....but as a douche bag myself, I can speak authoritatively on this subject..... TFY 3
futureglory263 Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 you have a great relationship, just that the physical piece isn't there. while you have not mentioned how long you have been with him, you seem pretty sure that your physical feelings/attraction to him will not change. we've all heard people say that physical attraction can change over time (sometimes it can, but maybe it won't). and i've seen relationships where physical attraction grows, yet also (albeit more rarely) i've seen it the other way as well. but given what you've expressed, for the sake of not leading him on if this issue is giving you real reservation, it sounds like you need to consider whether you should proceed in this relationship, or at least consider holding back now from going to a deeper level. if you weren't already in a relationship with this person, i would have advised you to stay friends, as to not lead him on, and to proceed if the physical attraction comes about. personality-wise, compatibility-wise, etc. you guys are like butter and toast, and i will agree that it is exceeding rare. all too often, our world, movies, books, advertisements, etc. tells us that the only real love is the deep, passionate, heart-racing, flushing love. lets say that he meets your physical criteria as well. the rush of the emotional high of being in passionate love (as well documented in numerous psychological/relationship studes) lasts for several years at the most, sometimes as little as 18 months. What remains after is what you have build up below that- and if the relationship is healthy, what remains after the highs of passionate love is the love that is rooted in selflessness, in the self-sacrificial love that you have for the other person.
normal person Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Why are you even in a relationship with a guy you're not attracted to? You should've left it at "friends." He's perfect for me So there should be no problem. but in my mind I'm with someone else who does all the things to me that passionate feelings do. So what you're actually saying is that he's far from perfect for you. He only addresses half of your needs. Why are you lying to yourself? You have a very specific, intense desire, that's a big part of you and he can't fulfill it. If you care more about being satisfied sexually, break up with this guy and find someone who you're more sexually compatible with. If you care more about whatever else this guy brings to the table, stay with him. As it stands, you can't have both in this situation. You can try and bring up all that polyamorous stuff or whatever it's called with him, but I can't see any guy taking that very well. If he's not into it, stay with him and stop complaining or break up with him and stop wasting his time.
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