Issue or normal?

[Erised]

I just started dating a new guy a few months ago.

He is a professor at a local university.

 

I found out a month ago that he has dated several former students.

 

I told him this seemed ethically inappropriate, and he said that there was no rule against it former students, only current, and that he saw nothing wrong with it if he was not in a direct position of authority. (He is in his mid 30's.)

These young women also made the first explicit move.

 

He recently told me he sometimes masturbates to thoughts of his students. I don't mind him fantasizing about other women, at all, find it a little arousing and love the honesty, but again even if he is not acting on this, the ethics of not at least trying to quell these fantasies bothers me a little. I'm not sure if these are very feminine sensibilities.

 

In my field, it's much less of a power dynamic than created by student-teacher, and it's still considered a bit untoward to pursue a client or a former client. I would not breech that line.

It is possible I have more options, as well.

 

I worry this is a sign of weak boundaries and divergent ethics/morality. Then I think I may be a little quick to the gun because we get on quite well otherwise.

We have stimulating discussions, lively debates, excellent sex, fun out and about, similar goals, etc.

 

I'm still recovering from a being a bit gun shy as it were when it comes to relationships and commitments, and cannot say unequivocally that is not lending excess weight to my concerns.

[smackie9]

If it was me in this situation......I couldn't date someone who doesn't see an issue with crossing the line between student and teacher. And for him to admit he masturbates to fantasies about his students.......ick. I can see why you are conflicted. You are already so emotionally invested.......

[Ami1uwant]

I think something is missing here.....

 

It's standard rules on professors not allowing to date their students.

 

At universities there is an exception to the rule of dating students...this generally applies to people who you happen to meet not through a class and the two people are near the same age, like a young professor in his early 30s happens to meet a woman on his own and it happens she is a student at the university but he never was her teacher.

[Erised]

I think something is missing here.....

 

It's standard rules on professors not allowing to date their students.

 

At universities there is an exception to the rule of dating students...this generally applies to people who you happen to meet not through a class and the two people are near the same age, like a young professor in his early 30s happens to meet a woman on his own and it happens she is a student at the university but he never was her teacher.

 

 

There is not at his, and when I googled I found many universities in the US do not have any formal rules when there is no direct supervision.

Some do, but apparently very many do not.

[Lois_Griffin]

Ewww. He sounds like a creep.

 

You say, "I wouldn't breach that line," and that's because you have something called ethics. Those who don't have ethics have no problem jerking off to these young students or dating them the second they're out of his class.

 

I repeat. Ewww.

[BluEyeL]

I'm a professor and this makes me wonder about my colleagues. One of them left his wife and kids and is currently dating a student. He left the wife for the student. Of course is a secret relationship, one everyone knows about. I knew about the affair but did not know he left the wife and kids. I found out from my cleaning lady, she's working for his wife . She says she has another identical situation, a family leaving right on my street.

 

I would be concerned in your shoes. I'd worry that if I stayed with him and got married and had kids, at some point he's going to act on these fantasies or whatever and leave me in the dust. I would have a hard time trusting him.

[d0nnivain]

How former? Not in his class that semester or already graduated? If they graduated, I see no problem. Otherwise, yeah, his ethics or lack thereof would bother me.

[LydiaLong]

I dated my former professor years after I was in school. I think you should have fun with him, enjoy the stimulating conversations, but don't get serious about him. He seems like a bit of a player, and he'll never make you happy. That's my opinion.

[Wewon]

How former? Not in his class that semester or already graduated? If they graduated, I see no problem. Otherwise, yeah, his ethics or lack thereof would bother me.

 

Agree, as well as how big is the age difference?

 

This guy could be in his 30s dating a former student that is 28 or someone that's 19.

[Myragal]

I don't have any ethical issues with profs dating former students...if they are adults. Could be 65 and 19. Their choice. Women have brains and can make choices.

 

However, I can also make my own choices. I would not date him myself. Honesty is nice but not a virtue unto itself...the issue being discussed is what determines my respect for a man. I personally would not be with a man who dated former students nor one who discussed his fantasies about students.

 

I would feel uncomfortable and probably insecure. I would also have a suspicion if all of these students were 'former'.

 

End of th day. Each to their own. I personally don't date for just fun, discussion, etc. For me it is always about investment in a potential life long relationship.

Edited December 5, 2015 by Myragal

[Mrin]

I've been thinking about your predicament for the last few days. I'm not even going to touch on the morality or ethics of the issue as I think the other posters have that well in hand.

 

What I will address is the fact that he seems to seek out this imbalanced power dynamic. We do what we most comfortable with. From your previous posts, I doubt the power dynamic between you and him is as unbalanced as with his normal MO. In fact, it is probably tilted your way. So this will be all new for him.

 

It will either be great or unnerving. Only time will tell. I myself realized that I prefer to date women about 5 to 10 years my junior. Basically because I prefer to be in the role of the cynic. I find cynical women to be off putting.

 

But in the end this really comes down to how it occurs for him - not you. He might love it. Or he might not. Just realize that you're changing the game for him and results may be entirely unexpected.

 

Good luck!

 

Mrin

[LoveRefreshed]

Having been in the teachin biz at the college level, I am well aware of the rules. All universities say that professors/TAs may not engage in a private relationship of any nature with their immediate students. Not students of the university. They make no rule because in the end- what matters and makes it unethical isn't an age or education difference, rather the position of power the professor has. That power dynamic is removed when the professor is not charged with task of evaluating the performance of said student.

 

It is set up that way, as private lives are private and who we date and can date should not be dictated by any institution. So long as people have free will (no one assuming any position of power over the other) then there is nothing amoral about your boyfriends fantasy.

 

Fantasies are fantasies. Girls fantasize about two guys at once, massive cocks, and for some, even sexual assault. He fantasizes about 20 year old students (yeah, sounds so strange for a guy). It doesn't mean he is going to act on it, just like you girls don't drop their panties every time a guy with a 10" coke can sends you a pic of his wang.

 

Also, age difference nothing. Men are programmed to reproduce, women who can reproduce are between 16 and 45. Since I have gone through puberty, I have found 16 through 45 year old women attractive. He's not fantasizing about a relationship with a 18 year old. The maturity differences are the issues for those age gaps, not the physical biology.