Riptide91 Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 After reading another post on here it got me thinking more and more about dating and relationships and just how strange it all really is. I have been feeling a little down as my recent ex and I broke up a while ago, it was a short relationship but I fell fast for her and cared for her deeply. We ended on good terms and I don't feel a need to go NC, and believe me I've been on here before, last year about my LTR with my other ex that completely destroyed me, so I would know. Anyways, I never treated my ex from a year ago as well as she deserved which I think was the reason she left me. So when I set out and healed my soul and mind, I vowed to treat the next woman I dated with kindness and love that she deserved. I gave this new girl my full commitment and effort, which when I look back I don't think I really regret. What I do regret is thinking this would change how a woman thought of me. Now that I'm here sitting alone, single again, I don't believe that women much care whether they are treated with complete kindness or not. I think either they're into the relationship or they aren't, whether it's easy, hard, fun, a struggle, it's all up to them. In fact, I'm feeling a bit cynical that being a completely nice and caring person is even worth it. Yes, I know that since I got dumped twice doesn't give me a reason to be a jerk to women, which isn't what I'm saying. Rather, I don't think I'll ever give someone that much of myself again. My ex even told me she had never been treated as well as I treated her, and that any woman would be lucky to have someone who had as kind of heart as I. At this point I feel like it's better to be one of the people who keep themselves from really feeling anything and just staying mostly neutral to the feelings in relationships until far into it. I'm far from quitting dating, as I do enjoy the company, and I find it fun to date and be with someone. I would say I'm a romantic at heart, but I don't verbally express it well sometimes. But is it wrong to let these past failed relationships cloud how I look at relationships in general or is more along the lines of, "you live and you learn." Lastly, I've said this before but I honestly do think that "nice guys finish last".
Blanco Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 It is fully possible that you and this girl didn't click. Unless someone wants nothing more than to have someone who's always nice to them, then there has to be some substance or common ground for the relationship to flourish. I see some guys complain constantly about how "girls don't want a nice guy." Well, maybe some girls like the bad boys, but it's important to recognize that being "nice" isn't usually enough to maintain a relationship. Also, ask yourself why you're being nice. I'm not necessarily questioning your sincerity with this behavior, but I think it's more common than people realize for someone to be nice to another person with the subconscious idea that this gives them some control over the person (i.e. "If I clean Linda's car without her asking me to, I'll bet she won't ever want to leave me!") If you plan to take a break from dating, I suggest reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy." Sounds like this book could really be applicable to your situation: Being nice for the wrong reasons.
Author Riptide91 Posted December 5, 2015 Author Posted December 5, 2015 It is fully possible that you and this girl didn't click. Unless someone wants nothing more than to have someone who's always nice to them, then there has to be some substance or common ground for the relationship to flourish. I see some guys complain constantly about how "girls don't want a nice guy." Well, maybe some girls like the bad boys, but it's important to recognize that being "nice" isn't usually enough to maintain a relationship. Also, ask yourself why you're being nice. I'm not necessarily questioning your sincerity with this behavior, but I think it's more common than people realize for someone to be nice to another person with the subconscious idea that this gives them some control over the person (i.e. "If I clean Linda's car without her asking me to, I'll bet she won't ever want to leave me!") If you plan to take a break from dating, I suggest reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy." Sounds like this book could really be applicable to your situation: Being nice for the wrong reasons. Thank you for your reply. I actually see where you are coming from and it may have some relevance however I don't feel so much that we didn't click, rather that our timing was off. We have a lot of the same dreams, goals, morals, and hobbies. We never had any problems with our relationship out of the ordinary. I'm starting to think maybe I just feel this way because I'm scorned that I didn't get what I wanted. I don't think I was being nice for the wrong reasons. I was kind and compassionate because I felt that she deserved to be treated right. She hasn't had the nicest of ex's so I think I wanted to make it clear I wasn't one of those people.
Blanco Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 OK, but you said: What I do regret is thinking this would change how a woman thought of me. That right there shows you were hoping how you treated this girl would give you leverage. (i.e. her desiring a relationship with you more) It would obviously be dumb to stay with someone who didn't appreciate you no matter how kind you were, but at the same time, it's not fair to expect that someone will always want to be with us just because we do nice things for them.
K2z Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Women want security and (loving) leadership first and foremost. "Nice" comes way down the list IMHO. 1
Blanco Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Honestly, I think the only time when being really nice is enough for someone is much later in life when you're just looking for good companionship and things such as having kids, buying a house, building a family and life together are either off the table or of much less importance. Otherwise, you need to bring a lot more to the dance if you want the other person to stick around.
Author Riptide91 Posted December 5, 2015 Author Posted December 5, 2015 OK, but you said: What I do regret is thinking this would change how a woman thought of me. That right there shows you were hoping how you treated this girl would give you leverage. (i.e. her desiring a relationship with you more) It would obviously be dumb to stay with someone who didn't appreciate you no matter how kind you were, but at the same time, it's not fair to expect that someone will always want to be with us just because we do nice things for them. That's not quite how I meant that. I meant that to mean more along the lines of I wanted to show her that I wasn't a "bad boy" or an egotistic ******* like her last boyfriends, rather I was a nice guy. I don't think it had to do anything with gaining leverage over her to make her want me more. I think people decide for themselves who they want, and being nice wouldn't change that. If I worded it to seem that I feel being nice is way into a woman's heart that's completely off from what I wanted.
Author Riptide91 Posted December 5, 2015 Author Posted December 5, 2015 Honestly, I think the only time when being really nice is enough for someone is much later in life when you're just looking for good companionship and things such as having kids, buying a house, building a family and life together are either off the table or of much less importance. Otherwise, you need to bring a lot more to the dance if you want the other person to stick around. More or less this kind of answers what I want. We dated because we clicked well and enjoyed each other's company. We were close in the fact that we shared many things in life, she didn't date me because I was nice, and I see that now. I think the me being nice is really irrelevant to the whole situation, I'm a nice person in general, we just couldn't make it work right now. I appreciate your responses!
slider1985 Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 After reading another post on here it got me thinking more and more about dating and relationships and just how strange it all really is. I have been feeling a little down as my recent ex and I broke up a while ago, it was a short relationship but I fell fast for her and cared for her deeply. We ended on good terms and I don't feel a need to go NC, and believe me I've been on here before, last year about my LTR with my other ex that completely destroyed me, so I would know. Anyways, I never treated my ex from a year ago as well as she deserved which I think was the reason she left me. So when I set out and healed my soul and mind, I vowed to treat the next woman I dated with kindness and love that she deserved. I gave this new girl my full commitment and effort, which when I look back I don't think I really regret. What I do regret is thinking this would change how a woman thought of me. Now that I'm here sitting alone, single again, I don't believe that women much care whether they are treated with complete kindness or not. I think either they're into the relationship or they aren't, whether it's easy, hard, fun, a struggle, it's all up to them. In fact, I'm feeling a bit cynical that being a completely nice and caring person is even worth it. Yes, I know that since I got dumped twice doesn't give me a reason to be a jerk to women, which isn't what I'm saying. Rather, I don't think I'll ever give someone that much of myself again. My ex even told me she had never been treated as well as I treated her, and that any woman would be lucky to have someone who had as kind of heart as I. At this point I feel like it's better to be one of the people who keep themselves from really feeling anything and just staying mostly neutral to the feelings in relationships until far into it. I'm far from quitting dating, as I do enjoy the company, and I find it fun to date and be with someone. I would say I'm a romantic at heart, but I don't verbally express it well sometimes. But is it wrong to let these past failed relationships cloud how I look at relationships in general or is more along the lines of, "you live and you learn." Lastly, I've said this before but I honestly do think that "nice guys finish last". Wow...I can totally relate to your situation. My last brief dating experience failed mainly due to timing. i was a kind, compassionate, person. I'm just that type of person. I did nice things for her because i wanted to not because i was trying to impress her or keep her. I also gave this new girl my full commitment and effort that i never gave my ex from a previous relationship. Both failed. I keep getting dumped as soon as they get wind that i wanted more they couldn't commit and dumped me. I get this feeling that when they finally have my attention they decided they want to hold out for something better. I vow never to open myself up again until they make the move. "Nice guys do finish last".
Author Riptide91 Posted December 5, 2015 Author Posted December 5, 2015 Maybe we should change the quote. I don't think that all nice guys finish last, perhaps it's nice people who care for others, but forget to care for themselves first finish last. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who wouldn't give a second glance to the "bad boy" types just because they know that isn't what they want. I think that sometimes it becomes easy to become infatuated with someone or the idea of someone and forget you always have to love yourself first. 1
makemineamac Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 This is also called "give to get" which is an expectation we subconsciously put in place and we let it cloud our relationships. I'm doing this for you, so I expect 'whatever' from you.(I've been guilty of this before as well.) Can you see how how you're talking about this might make that apply?
brokehrt Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Maybe we should change the quote. I don't think that all nice guys finish last, perhaps it's nice people who care for others, but forget to care for themselves first finish last. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who wouldn't give a second glance to the "bad boy" types just because they know that isn't what they want. I think that sometimes it becomes easy to become infatuated with someone or the idea of someone and forget you always have to love yourself first. Thank you for saying this. I realize this was part of my problem. Not loving myself. How can you love someone that hates themself? oh boy... more regret, more pain.... shudder...
Mumbles Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Women want security and (loving) leadership first and foremost. "Nice" comes way down the list IMHO. As I fast approach fifty and having had my fair share of relationships including 2 marriages (last one still current) I couldn't agree more. Its pretty much -all- about the above. Asshats often display what looks like strong leadership (though its just as often in reality a lack of confidence being masked), which is not to say that leaders are all asshats of course, by no means, but it can explain some of the weird pairings one always sees which make you scratch your chin and wonder why she stays. And the security thing, both financial and physical - extremely important. I'm naturally slim, about 165-170lb (75kg) is a good fighting weight for me. My current wife prefers bigger, and the odd thing about that is that this preference is not simply about being 'built', she prefers me at 80kg+ (176-180lb) even if that translates into me being fatter. Of course bigger and ripped is good, but she doesn't actually care, so long as there is physical 'presence'. Everything else comes way down the list in the preference list. The thing I learned when I had to 'rebuild' myself, mostly mentally, after my divorce was that I needed to pursue my own goals in career/business, physical fitness and life path and then, surprisingly to me, ladies would line up to jump on the wagon. I am definitely in the 'nice guy' space, always have been, its my personality. But don't let this override your direction and independence. Believe in yourself, follow your own path, be gentle, kind and loving, girls respond to this in droves.
Meli22 Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 The best thing you can do is just be yourself. The right person will love you for who you are. If you put on an act or pretend to be a certain way so that women are more attracted to you, that's game playing. You're not going to everyone's cup of tea and that's fine. I've dated guys in the past who were nice people but for me that attraction wasn't there. That doesn't mean to say if they changed I'd be more into them. 1
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