I miss her and I am crumbling. I am in so much pain.

[brokehrt]

A quick disclaimer: This post will be long and sappy. I am in so much pain and I truly need to tell my story. I am in need of repair and closure that I likely will not get. My apologies for what I'm about to subject you to, but I am not sure how to proceed in life.

 

15 years ago, I met the love of my life. We dated for a few months and she moved on. At the time she was very young and I understood. I didn't expect her to get wrapped up with me before she even turned 21. I was a few years older. I loved her almost at first sight. Our first date, I knew I was in trouble. I fell hard and fast for her. The breakup stung but I was ok with it after a month or 2. We remained in contact, and she eventually let her feelings known for me once I was already hooked up with another girl. She told me she loved me and she wanted to be with me again. Not trusting her entirely and also wanting to give the new girl a chance, I said no, and we weren't in contact for quite some time. But we did check in with each other and hang out very occasionally.

 

A few years went by, and my life was in a different direction. I was single, and back in college and determined to succeed. I was doing incredibly well. She walked back into my life after all that time and this time she wouldn't let me go. We were in love. Head over heels in love and we were the cutest couple in the world. We were both single parents of girls a year apart. We were all over each other in public. We talked on the phone for hours, had all the same tastes in music, tv, pop culture, even the things we didn't agree on were fun. Infatuation, Love, adoration. It became nearly unconditional pretty quickly. I know this is a similar story. This happens to a lot of people. But THIS. I am telling you, this is a once in a lifetime thing. SOULMATES. I trusted her with all my heart and every minute with her got better and better. Every encounter we had was magical for 5 years. For me, it never stopped. I never stopped glowing for her. Every feeling I had for any girl before her melted away. I felt as though I had always loved her. And I KNEW in my soul that she loved me. She was better at showing it, and better at making me happy than I ever could have been to her. I tried, and I did make her happy, just by being there. Her love was the best thing I had ever felt, and I am a single dad. I love my child more than anything. But this was a romantic love that is too big even for the word "romance". It was a connection of stars. Corny? yes. Don't care. If you're rolling your eyes, you've never had this, and I'm not sure if I envy you or pity you. No one can understand a connection this deep and this perfect unless they've been there.

 

At the five year mark, things got complicated. I graduated college with high honors and was in good shape to start a career. Unfortunately, the economy had tanked and there wasn't much out there. I lost my mother suddenly to cancer, and was diagnosed with Lyme disease, after a year of falling over dizzy and becoming increasingly disoriented. I had an infection in my brain, an MRI revealed. Things went from magic to garbage almost overnight.

I didn't handle it well. At first I took it and tried to make it motivate me. I started forcing myself onto a career that was too demanding and had a short supply of jobs. I didn't make it. My health was getting worse too. All my spare money was spent on different doctors, expensive pills, treatments. That became my life. After a 106 fever and a trip to the hospital, I was bedridden for 5 months or so. That is when I lost it. I have had multiple nervous breakdowns in the past 5 years or so, but looking back, this is where I first went bad.

I was lucky enough to land a job doing a somewhat field-related but low paying job at a place that I had worked as a kid. It was ok, but not challenging, and I didn't try. I had moved in with my dad, unable to support myself financially. My daughter was with me in his house. It was embarrassing. I hated my hometown. I was mercilessly bullied as a kid for well over a decade. Almost all through high school. I was ill and without a proper brain, in the house that I grew up in. My mother's ghost was everywhere. I lost it. The depression grew on me like a bad fungus. My demons stabbed at me every time I went to the store, and there were a lot of them. And now I was watching my child approach puberty and deal with the same awful small town people that I could never quite shake from my psyche. I was strong and confident for a long while, but this turn of events sucked it all out of me and landed me back in my kid suit (if that makes any sense) I was stripped of my strength, my sharpness, my confidence and a growing self hatred that I somehow embraced. I do not know why. I can't believe I let myself become so messed up. I started smoking weed for comfort, and it gave me a lot. But It wasn't helping me out of the hole I had fallen into, just helping me sleep in the dirt. It was great for my symptoms and really helped me deal with the disease. But I became dependent after a while.

 

I should now mention that this all took place over the course of about a year or so. My girl stood by me. She cared for me and did what she could to ease my suffering. She was still in school, and running around a lot. I loved her so much. Unfortunately I lacked the confidence anymore to show her properly. The self hatred I mentioned was growing so fast, and looking in the mirror was difficult. I started believing that there was no possible way she could love me. No way she didn't see what I saw when I looked at myself. no way she could look at me the same ever again. My love for her was making me feel guilty and needy. I didn't feel like a man anymore. What was wrong with her? Why would she keep coming back? I was a sick diseased broken person, with nothing going for him....

 

She loved me. She wanted good things for me and she did what she could to make me feel good. I was offered a chance to propose to her and I took it. She said yes. But we were broke. We couldn't work out a wedding. I had spent every dime I had on doctors and pills and was still sick. This pushed me further into a depressive coma. Simultaneously, my daughter began to have serious issues. She was unraveling after years of watching me unravel. I was over. I lost my mind for real. I screamed at her. I flew off the handle and raged over things that needed to be dealt with sensitively. I went crazy, literally. Cold winters crippled my sick body. when it was warm, I'd have anxiety attacks over grass and ticks. I became twitchy and panicky. I went to fight or flight mode every time I stepped outside. All I could see was a dead mother, diseased ticks crawling everywhere, horrible people, and most of all, myself. A penniless dreamer approaching 40 with not a damn thing to show for decades of work and struggle. And student loan debt to boot. I had become a horrible person. I didn't know how to make it ok. I couldn't.... and she stuck with me. She showed me what love she could. I was less accepting of it and encouraged her to move on many times. I kept trying to give her an out, as if I wouldn't feel worse without her. The guilt of being so ****ty was killing me. I could not bear to know that this person that I loved so much, that had took such an investment in me, the person who I looked at and saw myself with until death was seeing the "real me"- some insecure loser who couldn't get out of bed. That wasn't the real me. It wasn't. But I couldn't turn it off. I had depressed myself into a subhuman.

 

It wasn't all bad. We had ups and downs. We decided to move in together after I got a bit more stable. As we were moving in together, her father passed away. Our time living together was not good. I sunk further into depression and we fought a lot. I fought with everyone around me. At this point, all I wanted was to crawl under a rock and die. I wasn't functioning like a human being. I cannot believe how far into the abyss I fell. It is killing me to know where I let myself go.

We moved apart, and continued to try to heal a strained relationship. There were some beautiful moments, but still a lot of strife. At this point, I lived in a kind of gross place, which was all I could afford, but still not cheap. I was so ashamed of my situation.

 

A year after we moved apart, I moved away. Far away to a warmer climate. I had talked about this for years, since we were first together. We always agreed that we'd move here. She was 100% supportive of it until the end. She said she knew I had to leave and that hopefully she would join me when the time was right for her. Believe me, I know what it sounds like. I do. Perhaps it is exactly that. But this relationship was strong. I felt that if I moved and got my head straight, she would see a better me, and not be able to stay away. Yes, we had been fighting. But the general consensus was that she wanted to follow me.

 

Moving helped me in a few ways. The paranoia and anxiety attacks lifted. My job transformed into something with a bit more promise. I started acting boldly and more confidently again. I was quickly shedding the depressed, angry, crazy person that was dragging me to hell. I still have so far to go, but I have come so far in so little time.

 

She was coming to visit, and she told me she wanted to be here in a year's time, which really put me over the edge. I was so incredibly happy. I went from depressed and suicidal to winning the superbowl singlehandedly. I wanted to share it all with her. I had so much I felt to be thankful for, and I was proud to have found the power to turn things around. But I wasn't all there. I still had my old habits. My pride was still too strong.

 

The visit was nice for me, but she felt I was not all there, which I wasn't. I did try very hard for her while she was here but she wanted more from me emotionally. We fought. She left angrily and I tried so hard to understand but succumbed to my bad habits. I became prideful and paranoid. I refused to visit her back at her home. I assumed that she was just writing me off, that she had planned it like this. She tried to tell me she was hurting and I tried to convince her it was fine. She should move here, be with me, I could work this out. I had changed so much. I was fixing the way I was with my daughter (our relationship is much better, with a long way to go but the ugliness is behind us). I could fix us too. WE could fix us. We fought a lot. I kept changing my mind about visiting. I fell into my old patterns and I couldn't accept her pain. I didn't want to believe I was hurting her more, again. Especially when I had some good progress in life for the first time in a long time.

After a few weeks of not talking she dumped me after we fought again. I was trying to control a situation that was out of anyone's control and she lost her patience. She let me go. That was 7 weeks ago and I have not slept more than 3 hours at a time since. I love her so much. I don't know how to let go of her. I wake up crying, reaching for her. She is in every thought, every second of every day. I know I was wrong. I know I was a bad partner for years. I tried the best I could but was weighed down and crippled by depression and illness. Every bit of happiness I had in the past 5 years were the moments she gave me. I don't know how to be happy without her. I don't know how to live without her. I can't listen to music, I can't watch anything at all. It all makes me think of her. I am in so much pain and I am so ashamed to say that I brought this on myself. I was trying to get better. I was trying to change. I HAVE changed. So much in so little time. But I don't think she loves me anymore. She won't talk to me. She has likely blocked me from her life. She is probably moving on, which I don't know how to do, or if I can. I have loved her for so long and I always knew that she was the one for me.

 

I've broken every breakup rule in the book. Texted her, wrote a long letter of apology and explanation and telling her I love her. I sent flowers. I asked if I could come see her and apologize. I have no idea if she even opened or sees what I'm doing. I Love her so much. I have no idea what to do with this love. It was toxic for years and now all I can do is let it fill my heart until it feels like I'll burst. I was wrong I know that. But I can't stop this. I can't stop loving her. I can't believe that we couldn't have worked this out. That is how strong our love was. She's my best friend. The greatest love I've ever known. I can't think about other girls or even any girls. It makes me sick.

 

I don't care if I'm doing this wrong. I don't know how to do anything else. All I want is to fix this. I want her to know I'm sorry, that it wasn't me. It WASN'T. I'm not that person. I AM the guy she fell in love with. Things got impossible for me and I folded. The shame from that alone made it all worse. My thinking was distorted. My life was crisis after crisis. I'm changing. I'm doing therapy, meditation, CBT. I couldn't even leave my house some days back where I was. I was in a coma. And now, I'm more depressed than ever. Every time I have a realization it makes me more depressed. I want to stop hating myself. And I am sorry to say I want her back. 7 weeks ago she dumped me and I can't let it go. I need this pain to stop and it won't. My health is at risk over sleep. I have tried prescription drugs to no avail. I'm up 3 hours later, drugged. I don't know what to do. I am sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. You meant the world to me and I wish I showed you better. You deserved it…

 

I've read other posts here. I know how some of you are. I'm not interested in games and "rules". I know I am idealizing her. But she WAS fantastic. She is. She was great to me. She has her faults but I could give a damn. I love her through and through. I might have stopped showing it properly but I never stopped loving her. I feel like I know in my heart that we belong together. MAybe I'm delusional. But we were right for each other. We went through a lot together. I wish it didn't have to end now. Things could be better. Different. I would show her every day what she means to me and I'd never forget to be her man.

 

I don't know what else to do or say. I can't unstick this from my heart. I need sleep. I'm trying to work this out. I try to talk to friends or family. I don't know if anyone knows how much I love her. It doesn't seem human. I know we were right for each other. I'm so sorry baby. I know I'm crazy. Please forgive me. I would do anything...

[Nickr3023]

The grief you feel is incredibly normal. I'd say at this point you're in the bargaining stage of grieving. It seems like in a way you've accepted it as you keep using the past tense with everything. You say you knew you WERE right for one another. And I'll bet at one point there's no doubt you were right for one another. The saddest thing in life, especially in relationships, is when they seem to just run their course. When there's no huge bang at the end of anger or hatred, where it's just indifference and more sadness than anything. So many people here will understand your pain and your grief. But it sounds to me like you could really benefit from some professional counseling. I was so against it when someone suggested it to me, it seemed like the most unmanly thing to do. And then I went, and balled my eyes out to a complete stranger, and they just got it. And they knew all the right things to say to make me think logically. Your entire story is emotionally charged, meaning the left side of your brain (the logic), is completely non-existent. I truly hope you can start healing because it sounds very much like you refuse to see any other option other than fighting your way back into her life.....which sad to say is probably not going to work. First thing you gotta do is just take a step back and start thinking logically about this and try and take emotion out of the equation for at least a little while. I wish you luck.

Edited December 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[brokehrt]

The grief you feel is incredibly normal. I'd say at this point you're in the bargaining stage of grieving. It seems like in a way you've accepted it as you keep using the past tense with everything. You say you knew you WERE right for one another. And I'll bet at one point there's no doubt you were right for one another. The saddest thing in life, especially in relationships, is when they seem to just run their course. When there's no huge bang at the end of anger or hatred, where it's just indifference and more sadness than anything. So many people here will understand your pain and your grief. But it sounds to me like you could really benefit from some professional counseling. I was so against it when someone suggested it to me, it seemed like the most unmanly thing to do. And then I went, and balled my eyes out to a complete stranger, and they just got it. And they knew all the right things to say to make me think logically. Your entire story is emotionally charged, meaning the left side of your brain (the logic), is completely non-existent. I truly hope you can start healing because it sounds very much like you refuse to see any other option other than fighting your way back into her life.....which sad to say is probably not going to work. First thing you gotta do is just take a step back and start thinking logically about this and try and take emotion out of the equation for at least a little while. I wish you luck.

 

I wouldn't say I see no other option. I just feel so grief stricken right now that is all I can possibly think of. I wake up reaching for her and crying. I spent an hour meditating a few days ago followed by Kundalini yoga (talk about unmanly). And it was great. I was sad but I felt like I could at least get through the day. that night at 4 am, I'm awake crying after a dream about her. All vivid dreams of every type. The worst are the ones where I am holding her, telling her I love her, how special she is and I'll never leave her again. Then the cycle repeats. I can't get anything done and I either lay in bed until noon, trying to work from my computer or I'm up pacing around until I can sit still long enough to try breathing. but, as far as options, I don't have many. I have to pay bills and deal with my recent move and new life. ****.

 

I have no idea what she is thinking. I don't have facebook. I'm assuming she's blocked me from email and phone because I've tried contacting her every way possible. Or she is just ignoring me. Ugh. It's true I want her back. But I also want her to believe me when I say I'm sorry and that I have changed. I HAVE. I want her to know, whether she goes on without me or not that I am the person she fell in love with. I was in a bad way. But I can't stand to think she remembers me as the awful person she dumped. I'm not. I'm still the person she loves. And I love her more than anything, even if I let my love get toxic. I'm definitely not perfect. It just seemed like I failed a test I didn't know I was taking and now I have nothing but a lesson learned and a shattered heart. I don't know how to not believe it could've been different. If I was more aware and less depressed it could have. I love her. I know she loves me. But I think she just couldn't take all of this. too much crazy. Jesus, I am so sorry.

 

I don't think I've accepted it. Maybe ... My head keeps telling me to but my heart says no. She has a big network of support, friends and family alike. I do not. I've burned a lot of bridges in the past few years. I have some family members. They're great. My friends vary from "GET HER BACK MAN" to the more common "Get a new girl! Screw her man! I've been there!" Nope, no you haven't. I've been through breakups and rebounds. That was something else entirely. This? Nope. No way can I even look at another girl right now with anything but a fake smile. I guess it's a plus that I can still recognize pretty girls, but I really don't give a crap. Being so far away and broken up, I don't know that I could do anything at all to even try to fix things. But I have tried anyway.

 

I have gone to counseling quite a bit, but I can't continue right now. I'm broke. Single parent, health issues.. yea. I have taken some Antidepressants but stopped out of fear. Meditation and yoga will have to do for now. But it's not stopping the dreams. Or her face in my head 24-7. You are right though, I do need help.

Yup, I'm just about all emotion. My logic is being saved to deal with my kid. And I am getting by with that, though she can definitely see I'm in pain.

[K2z]

I second professional counseling. And keep talking here. You are embraced by a community of fellow members in deep and serious pain. Crazy subsides a little with some time. Care for yourself.

[brokehrt]

I second professional counseling. And keep talking here. You are embraced by a community of fellow members in deep and serious pain. Crazy subsides a little with some time. Care for yourself.

 

If there was a way to get professional help for free I'd be there twice a week. I want this bad stuff out of me. I want to make sure I never act that way again. I can't ever be that person again. I need to stop hating myself. Not there yet. Not sure how to be.

[Nickr3023]

I wouldn't say I see no other option. I just feel so grief stricken right now that is all I can possibly think of. I wake up reaching for her and crying. I spent an hour meditating a few days ago followed by Kundalini yoga (talk about unmanly). And it was great. I was sad but I felt like I could at least get through the day. that night at 4 am, I'm awake crying after a dream about her. All vivid dreams of every type. The worst are the ones where I am holding her, telling her I love her, how special she is and I'll never leave her again. Then the cycle repeats. I can't get anything done and I either lay in bed until noon, trying to work from my computer or I'm up pacing around until I can sit still long enough to try breathing. but, as far as options, I don't have many. I have to pay bills and deal with my recent move and new life. ****.

 

I have no idea what she is thinking. I don't have facebook. I'm assuming she's blocked me from email and phone because I've tried contacting her every way possible. Or she is just ignoring me. Ugh. It's true I want her back. But I also want her to believe me when I say I'm sorry and that I have changed. I HAVE. I want her to know, whether she goes on without me or not that I am the person she fell in love with. I was in a bad way. But I can't stand to think she remembers me as the awful person she dumped. I'm not. I'm still the person she loves. And I love her more than anything, even if I let my love get toxic. I'm definitely not perfect. It just seemed like I failed a test I didn't know I was taking and now I have nothing but a lesson learned and a shattered heart. I don't know how to not believe it could've been different. If I was more aware and less depressed it could have. I love her. I know she loves me. But I think she just couldn't take all of this. too much crazy. Jesus, I am so sorry.

 

I don't think I've accepted it. Maybe ... My head keeps telling me to but my heart says no. She has a big network of support, friends and family alike. I do not. I've burned a lot of bridges in the past few years. I have some family members. They're great. My friends vary from "GET HER BACK MAN" to the more common "Get a new girl! Screw her man! I've been there!" Nope, no you haven't. I've been through breakups and rebounds. That was something else entirely. This? Nope. No way can I even look at another girl right now with anything but a fake smile. I guess it's a plus that I can still recognize pretty girls, but I really don't give a crap. Being so far away and broken up, I don't know that I could do anything at all to even try to fix things. But I have tried anyway.

 

I have gone to counseling quite a bit, but I can't continue right now. I'm broke. Single parent, health issues.. yea. I have taken some Antidepressants but stopped out of fear. Meditation and yoga will have to do for now. But it's not stopping the dreams. Or her face in my head 24-7. You are right though, I do need help.

Yup, I'm just about all emotion. My logic is being saved to deal with my kid. And I am getting by with that, though she can definitely see I'm in pain.

 

Well put as much positive energy into your child as you can. Don't let them see you suffering. And if you want her to see that you're changed that you're a new man just for the sake that she remembers you in a more positive light.......then that's gonna take a little while to accomplish. Please don't take this the wrong way but right now you sound very desperate and your head is spinning in 500 different directions, which by the way, I think most people here understand that feeling. If you can't seek professional help, like another poster said, don't hesitate to continue talking to people here. We're not professionals, but we all know every single feeling and emotion you're going through, because we're all going through them too. The helplessness, the depression, the anxiety, the dreams, the hopelessness, the thought that we'll never find someone again.

 

It's even weird for me because I'm struggling over a girl that I loved for a year.....but it was only 3 years ago that my ex of 9 years cheated on me and left me for another guy (she's actually engaged and we talk semi-regularly and I'm happy for her. Amazing what time can do), yet I can't seem to remember back to all these feelings. I know they were there. Every single one of them. I was in love with that girl. I was 2 weeks away from buying her a ring, and when she left I didn't know how my life would go on. How could possibly live in this house that we lived in together. Fast forward 3 years, and here I am, getting over another woman I loved that ended the same exact way. I guess my point is, over time, and a lot of pain and sorrow and agony, things do get better. I'm living proof of it. And I know I'm going to get through this episode again, and hell there's unfortunately another chance that I meet another amazing woman, fall for her, and end up with another broken heart. That's sadly how life works. But you have a life, and you have a kid.....you gotta pick yourself up, man up, dust yourself up, and make you better. You say you're a better person......but to a few strangers in here, you sound like you're going out of your mind. Take some time to step back from the situation, look at it from an outsider without any emotion. See if you can tell yourself without any emotion that this was a perfect relationship. I treated her perfectly. She treated me perfectly. There was never anything wrong. We were perfect for each other from the day we met, to the day we broke up. My guess would be, just like each and every person on here......that it simply isn't the case. When we break up, or when people change, when we want to get back together with them, we want to get back together with the person they used to be. The person you originally fell in love with. Unfortunately more often than not, that person doesn't exist anymore. And if it's not your significant other, then she's saying the same thing about you. But there's still hope for you. My aunt has been married twice. She's lost 2 husbands to death. One of a heart attack, another 10 years later from cancer. Yet even in her 60's, she's chosen to love life and still go out on dates and meet people and do the stuff that us in our 20s, 30s, and 40s, are saying is impossible. Just get yourself together and keep talking to people on here. It'll get better. I find it helps me to help other people, that's why I'm talking to you. See if it helps to try and help other people. You'll be amazed at the advice you give, and then you'll say......why the hell can't I take my own advice?????

[brokehrt]

Well put as much positive energy into your child as you can. Don't let them see you suffering. And if you want her to see that you're changed that you're a new man just for the sake that she remembers you in a more positive light.......then that's gonna take a little while to accomplish. Please don't take this the wrong way but right now you sound very desperate and your head is spinning in 500 different directions, which by the way, I think most people here understand that feeling. If you can't seek professional help, like another poster said, don't hesitate to continue talking to people here. We're not professionals, but we all know every single feeling and emotion you're going through, because we're all going through them too. The helplessness, the depression, the anxiety, the dreams, the hopelessness, the thought that we'll never find someone again.

 

It's even weird for me because I'm struggling over a girl that I loved for a year.....but it was only 3 years ago that my ex of 9 years cheated on me and left me for another guy (she's actually engaged and we talk semi-regularly and I'm happy for her. Amazing what time can do), yet I can't seem to remember back to all these feelings. I know they were there. Every single one of them. I was in love with that girl. I was 2 weeks away from buying her a ring, and when she left I didn't know how my life would go on. How could possibly live in this house that we lived in together. Fast forward 3 years, and here I am, getting over another woman I loved that ended the same exact way. I guess my point is, over time, and a lot of pain and sorrow and agony, things do get better. I'm living proof of it. And I know I'm going to get through this episode again, and hell there's unfortunately another chance that I meet another amazing woman, fall for her, and end up with another broken heart. That's sadly how life works. But you have a life, and you have a kid.....you gotta pick yourself up, man up, dust yourself up, and make you better. You say you're a better person......but to a few strangers in here, you sound like you're going out of your mind. Take some time to step back from the situation, look at it from an outsider without any emotion. See if you can tell yourself without any emotion that this was a perfect relationship. I treated her perfectly. She treated me perfectly. There was never anything wrong. We were perfect for each other from the day we met, to the day we broke up. My guess would be, just like each and every person on here......that it simply isn't the case. When we break up, or when people change, when we want to get back together with them, we want to get back together with the person they used to be. The person you originally fell in love with. Unfortunately more often than not, that person doesn't exist anymore. And if it's not your significant other, then she's saying the same thing about you. But there's still hope for you. My aunt has been married twice. She's lost 2 husbands to death. One of a heart attack, another 10 years later from cancer. Yet even in her 60's, she's chosen to love life and still go out on dates and meet people and do the stuff that us in our 20s, 30s, and 40s, are saying is impossible. Just get yourself together and keep talking to people on here. It'll get better. I find it helps me to help other people, that's why I'm talking to you. See if it helps to try and help other people. You'll be amazed at the advice you give, and then you'll say......why the hell can't I take my own advice?????

 

 

I AM out of my mind. I've lost it completely. That doesn't mean I haven't learned and changed. I have. I am depressed. I have been for a long time. But I have learned. I will never do that to another person again. My mind is spinning in 1000 directions and keeps coming back to her. Because I can't stop loving her. I can't stop dreaming about her.

 

This was not a perfect relationship. There's no such thing. I changed because I got sick and depressed. She changed too. I still loved everything about her. I just sucked at showing her. She wasn't all perfect and she had her faults. But I don't care. I should have been big enough to see past them. I often did. But like I said, my frame of mind was bad and I often did not. I didn't treat her good enough. I love her so much.

 

I do need help. I have health problems and mental health issues as a result. I have no money as a result. I'm not someone who has a rosy outlook for the future, because the present has been unbearable for years. It's worn me down. It is what killed this relationship. And because of these things, I can't stop asking why. And insisting that the person she dumped isn't me. I've been buried under so much crap for years and every time I dig myself out, I get more dirt heaped on me. Emotional support is great, but without about $50000 I will likely fade away. I don't see another woman falling for me, nor do I want that at ALL right now. I am really in a bad place in life. I don't blame my love for dumping me. But I can't stop wanting her back. I love her.

[broken2828]

You lost her by falling apart. Don't fall apart again. Be strong. Show her your strength. Fix all the problems that drove her away from you, and most of all take care of your daughter.

[brokehrt]

You lost her by falling apart. Don't fall apart again. Be strong. Show her your strength. Fix all the problems that drove her away from you, and most of all take care of your daughter.

 

 

I'm falling apart right now, but I swear I'll never act out the way I have again. My problems seem impossible to fix. My health just keeps getting worse.

[Alcoholicex]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Our stories mirror each others in a way that I can relate to your ex. I was with a man for 8 years who was unlovable for most of our relationship and I tried to love him anyway. It took me a LONG time to realize my love wasn't the cure for his problems. My story ended in a way in which yours doesn't have to. All I wanted was for him to fix his own problems. That didn't mean financially. I didn't need his "stability" I needed him to be emotionally and mentally available to accept what I was offering. Unfortunately, for me when he finally did all of those things I waited a near decade for, he decided to give the better version of himself to someone else. He told me I was just a painful reminder of his past pain and all the times he had ****ed up. When he finally healed he realized I wasn't the answer to his problems anymore. And the love you described is spot-on accurate to how we felt about one another. For 8 years he was 100% convinced he could never love someone as much as he loved me. But in the end, he obviously didn't. I was a crutch. And I stayed and gave him all those years of my life for nothing. The point I'm trying to make here is.. If this woman loves you as much as I believe she does (she would HAVE to to endure what your described) she most likely did not walk away to start a brand new life without you in it overnight. I'd definitely bet she's feeling every ounce of pain you are but FINALLY realized she could not love your pain away. And she couldn't. And if you love her the only thing left to say to her is that you'll be working on the best version of yourself and you hope one day you can be together and then do that. She will know the truth. The people that love us the most can see us so much better than we can see ourselves. She just probably can't hear what you have to say right now because no one changes that drastically in 7 weeks. I noticed you didn't mention therapy. If you don't go, start. There's nothing harder than putting our faith in a professional and believing they might know us better that we know ourselves but it helps enormously. Good luck. I hope you feel better soon.

[brokehrt]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Our stories mirror each others in a way that I can relate to your ex. I was with a man for 8 years who was unlovable for most of our relationship and I tried to love him anyway. It took me a LONG time to realize my love wasn't the cure for his problems. My story ended in a way in which yours doesn't have to. All I wanted was for him to fix his own problems. That didn't mean financially. I didn't need his "stability" I needed him to be emotionally and mentally available to accept what I was offering. Unfortunately, for me when he finally did all of those things I waited a near decade for, he decided to give the better version of himself to someone else. He told me I was just a painful reminder of his past pain and all the times he had ****ed up. When he finally healed he realized I wasn't the answer to his problems anymore. And the love you described is spot-on accurate to how we felt about one another. For 8 years he was 100% convinced he could never love someone as much as he loved me. But in the end, he obviously didn't. I was a crutch. And I stayed and gave him all those years of my life for nothing. The point I'm trying to make here is.. If this woman loves you as much as I believe she does (she would HAVE to to endure what your described) she most likely did not walk away to start a brand new life without you in it overnight. I'd definitely bet she's feeling every ounce of pain you are but FINALLY realized she could not love your pain away. And she couldn't. And if you love her the only thing left to say to her is that you'll be working on the best version of yourself and you hope one day you can be together and then do that. She will know the truth. The people that love us the most can see us so much better than we can see ourselves. She just probably can't hear what you have to say right now because no one changes that drastically in 7 weeks. I noticed you didn't mention therapy. If you don't go, start. There's nothing harder than putting our faith in a professional and believing they might know us better that we know ourselves but it helps enormously. Good luck. I hope you feel better soon.

 

 

I swear I have a long way to go but that is exactly what I am trying to do. Unfortunately I am so depressed right now I can barely get out of bed. I can't stop thinking about her. I love her so much. I was a good person before I unraveled. I hate myself so much for treating her the way I did. I have been transformed by illness and I am not as attractive anymore. I don't have the energy I used to have. I want to stop being sick. I keep telling myself that she is better off, that she will find someone with more money and better looks. But She truly did just want more attention from me. When she was mourning I wasn't there for her. I was tending to myself and being miserable.

 

She is an amazing woman. And I wish she was still with me. But how long would it have taken for me to come back to myself if she hadn't left me? I wouldn't be here on my knees begging to have another chance. I can't even believe what happened to me, what I let myself do and become. It is my fault. I'd marry her today I swear. I never even understood marriage but I would marry her.

 

I really wish I could forgive myself. There's no way I could turn her down if she came back into my life at any point. I do not think she will to be honest. I don't even know if she feels the pain anymore. I really hope she doesn't feel this way because I wouldn't wish this on anyone. This pain is worse than severe illness. It is a nightmare. She may have been mourning this relationship for a while now. Because I checked out and left... She didn't try to stop me. If she waits any years for me I will be amazed. I am telling you, I CAN NEVER LOVE SOMEONE the way I love her. I can't. I will never find someone who makes me feel that way. I am mystified by it. I'm saying this to you because you seem to understand. And you are giving me false hope!

 

Therapy needs to happen. As I've said I am broke and getting broker by the day. But I don't think it can or should wait. I have contacted a therapist, specializing in CBT and seems like a good match for me. I will likely see them after the holidays but probably once a month or so. All I can afford. I will suck every ounce of recovery I can out of those sessions. I want badly to change. And to be a real person again. Really. I want that more than I want my love back. But I fear that this regret won't go away. Especially if I never hear from her again. I love her so much. I want her forgiveness as much as I want her love. Her love SHOULD HAVE been enough to help me get my act together. Why did I have to get stomped to wake up? I'd rather be asleep because this is unbearable. I'm so sorry. I am sorry. I am a good man. I was hurting too much and I turned bad.

 

-thank you for your reply. I hope my story turns out different. But I don't know. I have high doubts.

Edited December 6, 2015 by brokehrt

[marky00]

Hey man... My Story is similar to yours.

 

9 year LDR, been broke up about 8 months.

 

about the 7th year, some vets convinced me to give an operation to my dog for an issue that I dint think was serious enough but they kept insisiting it was so I relented and went ahead with it. Well, a couple of months after the procedure my dog (who was a great friend) became death in both ears.... he could no longer hear me.

 

Well as u can imagine this event had a profound effect on me and changed my world severely. I couldn't face euthanising my old friend even though in hindsight I probably just postponed putting him down out of guilt for my allowing the operation to occur in the first place.

 

Anyway, amongst becoming a carer for my dog, I was running a business as well and my gf overseas was simply just sitting back watching me capitulate.

 

Before that event the love was there both sides and we had great plans. She did stick it out for about 18 months but as it was LDR i shielded her from the core of the issue... I didnt want to expose her to the drama.

 

During that period, I did become emotionally sick, I pretty much carried the world's problems on my shoulder. I did manage to grow my IT business so I was still trying in a way but there was self-hatred for sure.

 

Anyway, all she told me at BU was that during that period she had some "thinking time". By that I guess she means, I needed to step up to the plate and quit being down about the past and find a solution for my dog or put him down.

 

What made it more difficult was that she really wasnt interested in coming to help me and it was hard to make plans to visit her coz I needed to organise family members to babysit my dog.

 

Anyway the long and the short of it is, She broke up with someone who was changed by a life event. I was working through it (initially in the wrong way). I did become a stronger person once I finally put my dog down. Unfortunatlely, I guess she had seen enough self-hatred for that 12 months and had made up her mind. Not that she really saw it in person, but I guess in our phone calls and stuff she must have picked up on my inner sorrows.

 

If she didnt have a new bf, I definately would have picked up the phone and ask her to factor that life event into her decision. Its really tough when someone walks because your going through personal issues. I suppose she saw the darkest side of me and that was enough for her to walk.

 

Well actually she broke with me in 2013 but I managed to get a second chance. I put in place a lot of positive thinking, called her 3 times per week, made financial contributions, organised holidays, grew my business and amazingly soldiered on with my dog (setting up webcams around the house so I could work more freely etc). Ok she got to saw my capabilities and was impressed but I suppose she still felt the self-love wasn't there. Maybe she was right.

 

Worst thing now but is everyone on this site says go self-improve yourself. Well at BU i was a very good version of myself. She put me back to square 0 and Im now supposed to climb out of this hole again to apparently retain my self-respect etc.

 

I wish for my own sanity we could just have a proper chat and im willing to acknowledge my role and what happened. But how can I do this if she doesnt really care. I think her ways (Thai culture) of simply burying the past and not wanting to engage face-on what happened is just so disappointing.

 

Anyway.. so yeah our stories were similar although I think my Ex sounds a little more cold and selfish that your was.

Edited December 6, 2015 by marky00