Lucia16 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I love my boyfriend, he is 21 and I am 19. Everything is almost too good except for one thing: His hobby. He surfs since he was 15 and loves the ocean more than me (I learned to accept it) but I feel like this is destroying our relationship because now we have holidays and he prefers to stay with their parents (they live on the beach and all of them knows how to surf) and doesn't want to visit me in the city, not even 1 day. He hates the city but I love it. But expects me to visit him at the beach. He pays for my ticket and everything but I do not want to go because. 1-Trip is almost 2 hours and the beach is not my favorite place. 2-He goes to surf for 2 or 3 hours and let me waiting for him under the sun and alone. It sounds like a crazy reason but I am actually jealous of his hobby! is the only thing that stands between us and I am consider breaking up because of this. Maybe he will be better with someone that at least likes the beach.
Author Lucia16 Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 Have you tried surfing? Well.. first he tried to teach me how to swim because I was not even able to do that, now is better but water is not my element.
Oregon_Dude Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 You're ridiculous. You should be glad he's so passionate about something. Either learn to love the beach, or let him go to find someone who does. Which, rest assured, there will be plenty. Hot surfer dude? Yes please, say millions of women. 4
Ic1 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I think your reason would be a smart (not dumb) reason to call it off. From what you describe, you're the one doing all the compromises. He really never comes to you, and it's always go to him? I'd bring this up to him first, not about him dumping surfing, but him comming to visit you as much as you visit him. And the leaving you for a few hours while he does something only he enjoys... Not acceptable for any visitor, whether he's dating them or not! 7
Erik30 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 (edited) Seems like you guys aren't compatible. Surfing and the beach are a huge part of his life, and you're not into that at all. Making you wait for hours while he's surfing, and not willing to visit you, also is really selfish. Edited December 4, 2015 by Erik30 5
basil67 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 In your present situation where neither of you are willing to compromise, it's simply unworkable. If you were to stay together, your leisure time would be so unpleasant for the one who is out of their element. And don't under estimate the importance of having a partner who enjoys similar leisure time to you. I understand that you don't like water, but can you not enjoy time by the beach with a book? Walking by the water, listening to the waves? And him with the city? Will he not go and enjoy restaurants and shows? Sightseeing? Cultural activities? In short, unless both of you are willing to compromise and share time doing what the other wants - this is unworkable in the long term.
hippychick3 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Seems like you guys aren't compatible. Surfing and the beach are a huge part of his life, and you're not into that at all. Making you wait for hours while he's surfing, and not willing to visit you, also is really selfish. He's 21. Seems pretty normal for a 21 year old.
Empyrea Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I think it's actually a really smart reason. What I tend to do in that scenario, is be so totally smitten that I would just be overly accommodating and trying to make myself pick up a hobby or learn to like something that I don't really enjoy, and kind of lose myself in the process. I mean, in mature relationships it is of course possible to have different passions and give each other space to do our own thing, while still compromising and making time for each other as well. But these kids are so young, he probably hasn't learnt yet to take someone else's needs into account. He just wants to surf all day and have his girl waiting around with some TLC when he's done. And if that's not what she enjoys doing and he isn't willing to compromise then it's time to find someone with more compatible interests. 1
basil67 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I think it's actually a really smart reason. What I tend to do in that scenario, is be so totally smitten that I would just be overly accommodating and trying to make myself pick up a hobby or learn to like something that I don't really enjoy, and kind of lose myself in the process. I have also tended to learn the hobbies which a boyfriend liked. Some didn't work for me - I'm never going to enjoy watching sport! (Thankfully I have my own interests for when he's sporting) But I really took to other things that various partners have enjoyed - such as learning photography and skiing. Learning to enjoy what a partner enjoys doesn't always mean losing oneself. It can also have the opposite effect of finding a fabulous new thing and adding to your life. But overall I agree with you. If one can't find a way to either enjoy or work around the lack of connection, then it's a good reason to end things 1
mrs rubble Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 How can you hate the beach?? This is totally incomprehensible to me....I'm a surfer from a surfing family....your boyfriend probably can't understand why anyone could not like the beach either!!! 1
burnt Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I love my boyfriend, he is 21 and I am 19. Everything is almost too good except for one thing: His hobby. That's it? that's the only problem? That makes you a very lucky couple. It sounds like a crazy reason but I am actually jealous of his hobby! is the only thing that stands between us and I am consider breaking up because of this. Maybe he will be better with someone that at least likes the beach. His hobby is not the thing that stands between you and him. It's your perception. I do find it very troubling that you are jealous of his hobby. He has a hobby--it's a healthy thing and it's a part of who he is. You do NOT have to be actively involved in his hobby, but still can be happy for him for being passionate about what inspires him. And in turn, pursue what truly inspires you independent of him. It's actually a good thing for a couple to have somewhat different set of hobbies and interests--it brings a variety and can allow each person to shine in their own individual ways. Yes, there is a little bit of incompatibility between you two in terms of location; try to communicate with him that if you travel to meet him near the beach area, then he should also make time to meet you in the city area. If he takes 2-3 hours to go surfing, perhaps you can take that time to find something that you can love. He's not taking the whole day, it's only a few hours. Being in the presence of each other 100% of the time and having same exact hobbies in the long run can actually drive each other nuts sometimes. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to have the same interests/activities matched up to perfection. Loving someone includes allowing each other the room be themselves in their own ways. It'd be a pity if you are willing to break up with someone who you claim to love over such a small difference of interest.
Empyrea Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I have also tended to learn the hobbies which a boyfriend liked. Some didn't work for me - I'm never going to enjoy watching sport! (Thankfully I have my own interests for when he's sporting) But I really took to other things that various partners have enjoyed - such as learning photography and skiing. Learning to enjoy what a partner enjoys doesn't always mean losing oneself. It can also have the opposite effect of finding a fabulous new thing and adding to your life. Yeah, I agree. It's not like I've picked up things I found totally dull to begin with, but then a lot of those hobbies sort of fade out once the relationship is over, so that makes me think I was mostly doing it just to build a connection. But some things have stuck, and also it's just really fun to try different things. Anyway, now that I've been single for a while, I've made that into one of my goals - to truly attempt to distinguish what is it that I enjoy doing, just because I enjoy doing it, not because my bf does.
Author Lucia16 Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 How can you hate the beach?? This is totally incomprehensible to me....I'm a surfer from a surfing family....your boyfriend probably can't understand why anyone could not like the beach either!!! I do not hate the beach but after a few days I get tired. I am czech and I am used to cold winter and mountains. I like the beach but in small amounts.
Author Lucia16 Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 That's it? that's the only problem? That makes you a very lucky couple. His hobby is not the thing that stands between you and him. It's your perception. I do find it very troubling that you are jealous of his hobby. He has a hobby--it's a healthy thing and it's a part of who he is. You do NOT have to be actively involved in his hobby, but still can be happy for him for being passionate about what inspires him. And in turn, pursue what truly inspires you independent of him. It's actually a good thing for a couple to have somewhat different set of hobbies and interests--it brings a variety and can allow each person to shine in their own individual ways. Yes, there is a little bit of incompatibility between you two in terms of location; try to communicate with him that if you travel to meet him near the beach area, then he should also make time to meet you in the city area. If he takes 2-3 hours to go surfing, perhaps you can take that time to find something that you can love. He's not taking the whole day, it's only a few hours. Being in the presence of each other 100% of the time and having same exact hobbies in the long run can actually drive each other nuts sometimes. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to have the same interests/activities matched up to perfection. Loving someone includes allowing each other the room be themselves in their own ways. It'd be a pity if you are willing to break up with someone who you claim to love over such a small difference of interest. That is very true but what makes me sad is that he is not able to visit me but he expects me to do the 2 hours trip just so he can keeps surfing and the ignore me for so much time. He told me that he will come today and then cancel me, that was kind of painful. I told him and he just keep saying that he wants to spend time with me outside the city, but is a lie!
Versacehottie Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Listen, OP, knowing many surfers, you will not will this battle (not really sure why you are trying to but...). I guess your real complaint is that his hobby takes up too much time and when he does it, it highlights how wrong you are for each other. Actually I don't think hobbies have to match necessarily but you seem like you will end up in different directions in life. Sooooo at 19, I will say break up. Just accept that you are very attracted to one another, it was fun while it lasted but you should let each other go for each of your sake. Good luck 1
Oregon_Dude Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Here is the thing: women come and go. But the waves... the waves never leave you, brah. 2
xxoo Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I wouldn't break up over that. I mean, I love surfers , but I'm imagining that he's taking 3 hours to fish or something else I don't love. I'd do this: visit, but do things that are fun for you while he surfs. Then plan a time for the both of you in the city you love. If he is unwilling to do that, I might break up with him. I'm happy pretty much wherever the man I love is, but that should be mutual. 1
normal person Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 You're ridiculous. You should be glad he's so passionate about something. Either learn to love the beach, or let him go to find someone who does. Which, rest assured, there will be plenty. Hot surfer dude? Yes please, say millions of women. With all due respect, I think this is a really bad post. I think the OP is being pretty reasonable. If she's always going to see the guy at the beach (which she doesn't like) and he doesn't come to see her in the city (which he doesn't like), then she's the one doing all the compromising. Having "passion" for something is fine, but his passion is very clearly coming at the expense of the relationship. Plenty of people are passionate about things. It doesn't mean their relationships get better as a result. Interests are totally subjective. Someone who's vegan isn't obliged to sit around in the woods because her husband is passionate about hunting. OP, my advice: try your best to enjoy the things he enjoys. At the same time, he has to make an effort to do the same for you. One of you shouldn't be putting in all the effort and making all the compromises, you both should be doing an equal amount. If he can't do that, you're going to wind up being very unhappy, and you're probably not right for each other. If he can't ever prioritize you over surfing, he likely never will.
Gaeta Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 He is too young to understand there is a time for hobbies and a time for love that's why all of his time goes to his hobbies. You are too young to understand there is a time for hobbies and a time for love and that is why you want all of his time to be for love. As long as you won't learn to have your own hobbies while he's devoting time to his hobbies it's not going to work. 1
normal person Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 He is too young to understand there is a time for hobbies and a time for love that's why all of his time goes to his hobbies. You are too young to understand there is a time for hobbies and a time for love and that is why you want all of his time to be for love. As long as you won't learn to have your own hobbies while he's devoting time to his hobbies it's not going to work. Possibly. I feel like younger people are less burdened by responsibility. Seemingly they do things they want to do rather and feel less of a sense of obligation to do things they don't want to. To me it seems like this guy really just likes surfing more than he likes her. If he liked her, he'd make more of an effort to compromise and make her happy. He's not doing it. I don't think it has anything to do with him being young and not understanding that there's a time for hobbies and a time for love, I think it has more to do with being young and doing what you want. If he wanted to spend more time with her and make her happy, he would. He's 20, he knows how to manage time. He'd still rather spend all his time surfing.
Versacehottie Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 With all due respect, I think this is a really bad post. I think the OP is being pretty reasonable. If she's always going to see the guy at the beach (which she doesn't like) and he doesn't come to see her in the city (which he doesn't like), then she's the one doing all the compromising. Having "passion" for something is fine, but his passion is very clearly coming at the expense of the relationship. Plenty of people are passionate about things. It doesn't mean their relationships get better as a result. Interests are totally subjective. Someone who's vegan isn't obliged to sit around in the woods because her husband is passionate about hunting. OP, my advice: try your best to enjoy the things he enjoys. At the same time, he has to make an effort to do the same for you. One of you shouldn't be putting in all the effort and making all the compromises, you both should be doing an equal amount. If he can't do that, you're going to wind up being very unhappy, and you're probably not right for each other. If he can't ever prioritize you over surfing, he likely never will. Hmmm, well didn't she say her bf was 20. He's not doing much different than other 20 year old guys: probably not going to prioritize much over his hobby. Sounds like he's respectful and he's even spending time with his family, which doesn't sit well with the OP. I just think they are ill-suited at least now if she can't cut him some slack. As she said, his whole family surfs and still does. Growing up around exactly this, I can tell you his hobby is not going anywhere. There is plenty of room for girlfriends and wives in the surfing lifestyle, but same as other things when one person isn't willing to compromise or see the other's POV, things probably won't work out well. I would guess she wants to spend more time with her guy than he is willing to give. Probably too much time. Being together, to her, means lots and lots of time and she probably doesn't have enough of her own hobbies and friends to let him live his life. Surfing does take up several hours and lots of people go every day. A lot of that is first thing in the am, like 5am! She sounds bothered that he wants to be down at the beach (with his family) and that's wanting different lifestyles. Ok, good luck with whatever you decide to do OP.
smackie9 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Take it from me it's all about compatibility. His number one passion is surfing, it is shared by his family too.....and it makes total sense to be with someone who is just as into it as he is....you are not. Hun this is what dating is all about, you get to a point whether it is a perfect fit for the long haul or not. In your situation you have discovered this is rubbing you the wrong way, and is making you unhappy. It's not a stupid reason to want to move so you can find someone more suitable to your wants and needs, like a nice well dressed city dweller that enjoys hitting the night life, and shopping. You are only 19, you have many more men to try out....go for it, go and explore your options. Me and my husband share 4 main passions, cars, music, beer, and we are both musicians. It can't get any better than that for the last 25 + years we have been together. 2
scooby-philly Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I think you've received some sound advice thus far. Some people though, have been quick to judge or to point out things with pretty unreliable advice. Let's break down what you said... (which is all we have to go on) You say he is 21 and you are 19...... Is this your first relationship or first serious one since turning 18 or so? (age does lend DIFFERENT (not better) perspectives) You said he surfs. You said you learned to "accept the water". That's something that people in relationships do for each other. He hates the city, and will not even visit it for "1 day". And...you LOVE the city. As 1 or more people commented, it does appear that in this regard you are compromising and he is not. Does he compromise elsewhere? What I mean is you can't just say "he doesn't compromise on this therefore we should end it. If he compromises other places and not here that's not fair. If it really bothers you, you need to let him know....not just that you feel bad but you are thinking of breaking up with him. He may not realize the level of your frustration and dissappointment. Second, you need to discuss between yourselves "lifestyle" and "lovestyle". Everyone has different views and expectations on how a relationship should work and how different parts should work. One area (and on a site like EHarmny they come out and ask) - how much time together do you need. Do you not get enough time with him except for weekends or holidays? Maybe he feels like he has enough time with you, and maybe you don't feel like you have enough time with him. You don't know until you ask. Third - you have to talk to him about surfing in particular. What I mean, is if it's not something you enjoy (and sometimes hobbies can't be shared - but not in thise case) then you need to discuss how he can follow his passion in lieu of how it makes you feel. Everyone is allowed a hobby in a good relationship. Sometimes people share 1 or more hobbies. Sometimes there isn't - but just like anything else I said above, it's an expectation. If you want to spend the majority of your free time with a partner and you can't stand to make the trip, be alone for several hours, etc. it's not going to work. I responded because I'm a guy and yet I can relate somewhat to your situation. I broke off a year long relationship with a woman about 4 1/2 months ago. She was a surfer & snowboarder. I'm a hiker, a photographer, and reader, a video game player, and a traveler. Some of our interests overlapped, but I tried learning to ski last year and it wasn't fun nor did I learn. I had no problem with her having hobbies, and no problems with these particular hobbies. And that's even though I do like someone balanced enough who can have a job/career M-F and wants to have a family (she had 2 kids already - dad has custody) but still likes spending time with me - I do enjoy intimacy, affection, sharing time together. What I had a problem with was her understanding of how a relationship worked and what a responsible adult does. I think I'm pretty balanced as most humans go - good job, interest in my career/field, a few hobbies, family, friends, etc. (Not a saint by any stretch of the imagination) but well balanced. She basically wanted (and was used to) doing whatever she wanted, when she wanted to with no communication, no sorting out of daily stuff, and no mutuality. Specifically, she would harp on my for being late for things, but she didn't have to be on time as an example. Also, we had done skiing locally 4-5 times last year (I paid for her kids to take lessons & ski too), she went on a 6 hour trip once, I went with her on another 6 hour trip once, she went once a week after work with a group she belong to to a local place that was open till 10/11pm and then she and I went up to Canada for skiing (before I even tried to learn) over NY's last year. All that and then her grouped scheduled a trip for end of Feb/beginning of March for another run up 6-8 hours away. Costs like 400-500 for the room, tickets, etc for like 3 nights/4 days of boarding. Plus there's eating - 100-200 worth, drinking, etc. She spend close to $1,000. She said at one point when the group first posted the event "I'm not going. I've been all this time and I don't have the money". She got laid off right before the trip. What did she do? Go on the trip. She has no savings. She's from a foreign country & while a resident alien (she got married to ex/father of her children here) she's not a citizen. She is 40k in debt from going back to school (only obtained an associates' after 5 years) and owes like 17k on her car (no credit, no money, 27.% APR). And.....she's 39. All that and all i ever said was "I don't care about the debt, I don't care about you still being in school for another 2-3 years to get your bachelor's. All I care about is you pay your bills and don't add to the debt. So.....she went on the trip. Now as you can tell - it took several months, more fighting, more disrepect, more b.s. before I ended it. Suffice to say I learned that people are sometimes incompatible because of how they view the world. I'm younger than her. I had to move back in with my folks after my previous relationship ended (I had lived with her) and because I spent 6 years as a missionary making no real money. Now, I save money for a house. I put a decent amount of money away for retirement. I pay my car bill, car insurance, medical insurance, life insurance, phone bill, buy groceries, etc. I still go out and have a drink once in a while. I buy books. I travel a bit. And I still have money. My point, our lifestyle and view of the world was not the same. I have hobbies, and my hobbies aren't free either. You can have hobbies. But she only wanted someone to fill in the gaps when she wasn't active and wanted someone who didn't demand any accountability or responsibility from her. You have to decide and discuss with him where your values and views and expectations are in the areas I mentioned before - time spent together, passions, etc. Start there.
kassy Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I've been on the other end of this, not surfing but cycling. Honestly it's time to break up. I have come to a point where if the guy doesn't have a time consuming hobby (surfing, running, climbing etc) then the chances are pretty good that at some point the other person will get jealous. Which is fine, it's simply incompatible. Also think of holidays... There is a good chance his ideal holiday is surfing in Hawaii or something, and unlikely to be yours. Sure relationships where people have totally different interests can work, but that takes compromise from both sides. This isn't a phase he's going through, he will surf for the rest of his life, it is a big part of his life. The compromises you want him (not unreasonably) to make he's not. Should that be acceptable to you and your needs, I would say no. I would advise you move on and find someone you have more fun with doing things you mutually enjoy as well as have your own separate hobbies
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