Silver_star Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I am the dumpee. He wanted to be friends right after the breakup and I told him I need time. He reached out quite a lot despite this request for time. Anyways... He recently told me he is dating again, nothing too serious but dating still. That was pretty much my cue to keep moving along, and stop thinking he is going to come back to me. (One of my exes tried for a long time to get back with me after a BU so I think I thought that may happen here too). Meanwhile I have been on one date, and it felt forced because I was not ready. I feel like I have gained weight instead of lost weight. I didn't get the opportunity at work like I thought I would, and meanwhile he is thriving at work and making tons of money (and bragging about all his new purchases). He is still on my IG account and a lot of random girls have been commenting on his photos flirtatiously now. I cant stop comparing myself. I'm constantly wondering now if the new girl(s) are way better than me, and if he is being constantly bombarded with texts from girls wanting to date him. I still have him on this pedestal even though fundamentally I know he is not that great. Is this normal? Is this more about my ego?
kidm Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 He is still on my IG account Therein lies the problem. Social media is toxic! People are just putting on a show to get validation/approval. More often than not, the reality is much different. Why would you continue to subject yourself to something that obviously brings you pain and self-doubt? Delete him from IG and live your life as best as you can.
Nickr3023 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I am the dumpee. He wanted to be friends right after the breakup and I told him I need time. He reached out quite a lot despite this request for time. Anyways... He recently told me he is dating again, nothing too serious but dating still. That was pretty much my cue to keep moving along, and stop thinking he is going to come back to me. (One of my exes tried for a long time to get back with me after a BU so I think I thought that may happen here too). Meanwhile I have been on one date, and it felt forced because I was not ready. I feel like I have gained weight instead of lost weight. I didn't get the opportunity at work like I thought I would, and meanwhile he is thriving at work and making tons of money (and bragging about all his new purchases). He is still on my IG account and a lot of random girls have been commenting on his photos flirtatiously now. I cant stop comparing myself. I'm constantly wondering now if the new girl(s) are way better than me, and if he is being constantly bombarded with texts from girls wanting to date him. I still have him on this pedestal even though fundamentally I know he is not that great. Is this normal? Is this more about my ego? Yup all completely an ego thing. We want to believe that we're the best possible person to the one we loved......unfortunately that's not always the case. In most cases...we're better. Gotta get rid of him on IG and stop torturing yourself. I've even started blocking people on Facebook that would potentially put up pictures of her, I just don't want to see her face at all, because as soon as I do I get a lump in my throat. I know because she's a perfect 10, that she's going to have multiple suitors all over the place, while I feel like I'm gonna have to struggle just to find any girl even remotely interested in me.
Author Silver_star Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 Yup all completely an ego thing. We want to believe that we're the best possible person to the one we loved......unfortunately that's not always the case. In most cases...we're better. Gotta get rid of him on IG and stop torturing yourself. I've even started blocking people on Facebook that would potentially put up pictures of her, I just don't want to see her face at all, because as soon as I do I get a lump in my throat. I know because she's a perfect 10, that she's going to have multiple suitors all over the place, while I feel like I'm gonna have to struggle just to find any girl even remotely interested in me. I should just delete the IG. I guess part of me thinks it would be petty, but it's not really. It hurts a lot to see these winky faces on his photos from girls who I think are pretty and I immediately feel bad about myself like I wasn't good enough. I imagine them together, and it's all downhill from there. I thought maybe a few months more and I wont even care. I have few exes (I didn't love them, but I had dated) on my IG and I became indifferent to them, I even like some of their photos from time to time when they come up on my feed if they are funny, or show a pet. I don't go looking for them, but its just kind of good to see they are doing well when I see it.
Nickr3023 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I should just delete the IG. I guess part of me thinks it would be petty, but it's not really. It hurts a lot to see these winky faces on his photos from girls who I think are pretty and I immediately feel bad about myself like I wasn't good enough. I imagine them together, and it's all downhill from there. I thought maybe a few months more and I wont even care. I have few exes (I didn't love them, but I had dated) on my IG and I became indifferent to them, I even like some of their photos from time to time when they come up on my feed if they are funny, or show a pet. I don't go looking for them, but its just kind of good to see they are doing well when I see it. My ex of 9 years that I lived with and was 2 weeks from buying her a ring, it took almost 3 years, but we talk at least once a week now. She's engaged and is obviously happy, and I'm happy for her. I forgave her for cheating on me and leaving me suddenly even after I gave her a 2nd chance. That helped with my psyche a lot was just forgiving her, but it took 2 years to do that. But we've talked about my most recent breakup and she's even offered advice and tried to help me through it. So it's possible to get to that point with ex's even after how horribly things ended......but it takes a long time to make that happen. We we're nearly 2 years no contact before I felt ready to forgive her and move on with my life.
anonymousbear00101100 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I know that feeling. My ex told me she made out with some guy and has hung out with him every day, and he's just one of three or four other guys who like her. Meanwhile, the three or four girls who have come up to me and given me numbers, and would all normally be quite attractive to me, just don't excite me. I feel like I never want to message them back. I feel like I'm losing even though I keep telling myself it's not a competition. You're not alone OP. 1
Amelie1980 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I cant stop doing it either. Wondering who he is seeing. It doesn't help that I lost my job too. I feel like a piece of garbage that no one will love.
Author Silver_star Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 My ex of 9 years that I lived with and was 2 weeks from buying her a ring, it took almost 3 years, but we talk at least once a week now. She's engaged and is obviously happy, and I'm happy for her. I forgave her for cheating on me and leaving me suddenly even after I gave her a 2nd chance. That helped with my psyche a lot was just forgiving her, but it took 2 years to do that. But we've talked about my most recent breakup and she's even offered advice and tried to help me through it. So it's possible to get to that point with ex's even after how horribly things ended......but it takes a long time to make that happen. We we're nearly 2 years no contact before I felt ready to forgive her and move on with my life. Did YOU reach out to her when you were ready? How did you get back in touch?
Author Silver_star Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 I cant stop doing it either. Wondering who he is seeing. It doesn't help that I lost my job too. I feel like a piece of garbage that no one will love. Hey, I completely understand. I keep on reminding myself that I am very loveable, and worthy of love. I know this deep down. I mostly just compare myself to the other women who seem interested in him now, instead of looking back and wondering what HIS damage was in the relationship. I am looking at the others who see something in him too, and that is kind of fuel for me to think that either there is something wrong with me, or maybe there is a pattern to the kind of women he chooses, and they are all very naïve and fall under his spell quickly. Like I said, he is an average looking guy. I fell for him very fast, and I think it had to do with how quickly he showed interest in me.
Nickr3023 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Did YOU reach out to her when you were ready? How did you get back in touch? Quick rundown, as this was my prior breakup to the current one I'm dealing with. Basically she cheated, we stayed together for 2 years, she left. We went NC for a couple months, then we wanted to try again, didn't work, then we went NC for just about 2 years. After we had broken up, I decided to do something I always wanted to do and that was start my own business. Something I would not have done if I was with her, as I couldn't take the risk of wanting to take care of her while also getting rid of my income for essentially however long it took to get my business going. So on the 2 year anniversary of my business (and actually being successful), I felt it was time to forgive her because if it wasn't for her leaving, I wouldn't have been able to accomplish everything I have. So I messaged her on Facebook a very heartfelt message telling her that after all this time I feel I can finally forgive her for everything that happened. I was finally comfortable with the fact that she left, that she was with the guy that she left me for, and that I could see her happy, and it didn't make me feel anything. It was when I knew I felt indifferent to it without emotion that I could comfortably talk with her about just about anything. I won't say that we're friends, but we talk occasionally to see how the other one is doing. 2
Author Silver_star Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 So I messaged her on Facebook a very heartfelt message telling her that after all this time I feel I can finally forgive her for everything that happened. QUOTE] Did you have her on your FB the entire time?
Nickr3023 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Did you have her on your FB the entire time? No I had her blocked for an almost solid 2 years, then unblocked her and messaged her.
Amelie1980 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Hey, I completely understand. I keep on reminding myself that I am very loveable, and worthy of love. I know this deep down. I mostly just compare myself to the other women who seem interested in him now, instead of looking back and wondering what HIS damage was in the relationship. I am looking at the others who see something in him too, and that is kind of fuel for me to think that either there is something wrong with me, or maybe there is a pattern to the kind of women he chooses, and they are all very naïve and fall under his spell quickly. Like I said, he is an average looking guy. I fell for him very fast, and I think it had to do with how quickly he showed interest in me. I feel very unloveable and I dont think I deserve love now from anyone. With my ex the women he went out with all seem problematic somehow. Most of them older and not as good looking as me.
anonymousbear00101100 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I feel very unloveable and I dont think I deserve love now from anyone. With my ex the women he went out with all seem problematic somehow. Most of them older and not as good looking as me. The guys my ex has told me about I dont think are as attractive as me. She's even told me that I'm probably the most physically attractive man she will ever be with. But this some how makes it worse because that means she's rejecting me as a person. On a level, we all want to be seen as attractive and we think our exes left us for some hot new person. But in the end, it really is what's on the inside that matters, no matter how cliche that sounds.
Liono84 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 IG is the absolute worst. I deleted all social media contact with my ex from day 1. She still follows me on IG but I don't followe her anymore. I'm thankful she's on private. Unlike FB, even if you block someone on IG, you can always still look at there pictures if their account is on public. If this is the case with you, and the temptation is too much, I would highly recommend just deleting the app altogether for the time being for your own well being. Looking at pictures and keeping tabs with an EX is a definite set back.
Nickr3023 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 The guys my ex has told me about I dont think are as attractive as me. She's even told me that I'm probably the most physically attractive man she will ever be with. But this some how makes it worse because that means she's rejecting me as a person. On a level, we all want to be seen as attractive and we think our exes left us for some hot new person. But in the end, it really is what's on the inside that matters, no matter how cliche that sounds. It's not necessarily that they're even rejecting you as a person, they could just be rejecting the relationship that's all. My ex told me I still love you, were still physically attracted to each other, she told me i'm a fantastic man who can get any girl I wanted........it just so happens that I met her at the absolute worst time and she wasn't ready for the type of love that I was giving her. She was still grieving over her divorce and me being there made it worse because she felt like she was jumping immediately into something serious again.
Author Silver_star Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 IG is the absolute worst. I deleted all social media contact with my ex from day 1. She still follows me on IG but I don't followe her anymore. I'm thankful she's on private. Unlike FB, even if you block someone on IG, you can always still look at there pictures if their account is on public. If this is the case with you, and the temptation is too much, I would highly recommend just deleting the app altogether for the time being for your own well being. Looking at pictures and keeping tabs with an EX is a definite set back. I wish I had done that from day one. It almost seems now if I do it than that proves I am too hung up on him (which I kind of am). I hate him having that last laugh at me. I will delete the IG app, and he is also on my FB (which has been worse because although I have hid his status updates and don't frequent his page, I see his chat icon is green and I lose my ****, starting to wonder if I should log off or talk to him or if he is going to talked to me) its a bit of a tool to become obsessive. I have removed it off my phone. I am going cold turkey.
anonymousbear00101100 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 It's not necessarily that they're even rejecting you as a person, they could just be rejecting the relationship that's all. My ex told me I still love you, were still physically attracted to each other, she told me i'm a fantastic man who can get any girl I wanted........it just so happens that I met her at the absolute worst time and she wasn't ready for the type of love that I was giving her. She was still grieving over her divorce and me being there made it worse because she felt like she was jumping immediately into something serious again. That makes. The thought that comes back every once and a while that seems to comfort me is "It wasn't me, it wasn't her, it was us." We just stopped getting along. It just sucks because I really care about her and want her to be happy, and I know we just could not be happy together, but my ego still needs her attention and my heart still needs her affection.
Nickr3023 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I wish I had done that from day one. It almost seems now if I do it than that proves I am too hung up on him (which I kind of am). I hate him having that last laugh at me. I will delete the IG app, and he is also on my FB (which has been worse because although I have hid his status updates and don't frequent his page, I see his chat icon is green and I lose my ****, starting to wonder if I should log off or talk to him or if he is going to talked to me) its a bit of a tool to become obsessive. I have removed it off my phone. I am going cold turkey. Yes you need to get rid of all that. I even blocked a few of my friends that are her best friends because I didn't want to see them posting pictures of her either. I explained to them and they both understood. But you need to get rid of any and all things that torture your mind. Block him on Facebook, delete him on Instagram. Delete the app altogether if you have to. It's truly the only way to start healing.
Author Silver_star Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 That makes. The thought that comes back every once and a while that seems to comfort me is "It wasn't me, it wasn't her, it was us." We just stopped getting along. It just sucks because I really care about her and want her to be happy, and I know we just could not be happy together, but my ego still needs her attention and my heart still needs her affection. It does suck. There is no debating that. I want my ex to realize I was the best thing in his life like he told me once before and come running back to me begging for another chance... We don't always get what we want in life. But you don't need her, you want her. There is a difference.
Blanco Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 C'mon, people. Deleting/blocking your ex on social media is like Recovery 101 stuff. Years ago, I kept an ex on FB. I hid her, but of course, would check her page periodically. She didn't post much, but if she ever posted a picture of her out and about, I felt lousy. I didn't make that mistake again. With my last ex, I deleted and blocked her from FB within an hour of knowing it was over. She's not on IG or anything, but if she was, I'd block her there, too. She's a private person online, but I don't want even a hint of what she's doing with her life, whether it's making dinner of getting banged on the Golden Gate Bridge. None of it will help me. And that first ex I mentioned? She and I are good friends today. It took years, but we got there. It's sincere, too. I felt awful for her when her last relationship ended, whereas I would probably do a jig if I found out my most recent ex was single again. Stop torturing yourselves, people. 1
Nickr3023 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 C'mon, people. Deleting/blocking your ex on social media is like Recovery 101 stuff. Years ago, I kept an ex on FB. I hid her, but of course, would check her page periodically. She didn't post much, but if she ever posted a picture of her out and about, I felt lousy. I didn't make that mistake again. With my last ex, I deleted and blocked her from FB within an hour of knowing it was over. She's not on IG or anything, but if she was, I'd block her there, too. She's a private person online, but I don't want even a hint of what she's doing with her life, whether it's making dinner of getting banged on the Golden Gate Bridge. None of it will help me. And that first ex I mentioned? She and I are good friends today. It took years, but we got there. It's sincere, too. I felt awful for her when her last relationship ended, whereas I would probably do a jig if I found out my most recent ex was single again. Stop torturing yourselves, people. You and I are exactly alike! I think it's in this thread, same with my ex from a few years ago. she's engaged now, and we talk here and there, but it took years of no contact to get there. 1
Liono84 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I wish I had done that from day one. It almost seems now if I do it than that proves I am too hung up on him (which I kind of am). I hate him having that last laugh at me. I will delete the IG app, and he is also on my FB (which has been worse because although I have hid his status updates and don't frequent his page, I see his chat icon is green and I lose my ****, starting to wonder if I should log off or talk to him or if he is going to talked to me) its a bit of a tool to become obsessive. I have removed it off my phone. I am going cold turkey. You're way too caught up in whose winning these games. Who the F cares about what he's going to think or whose going to have the last laugh when it's killing you inside and postponing your healing process. Right now, you gotta heal you, because no one else can. They have inflicted pain by breaking up with you, and that was out of your control, but prolonging that pain in suffering is all on you, and only you can stop that. If you continue to have avenues where you can check up on your ex through social media, you will not heal. For me, I know there is no way I could have resisted still being remaining friends through social media because I would obsess over it, therefore, I deleted all contact with her. I also knew having her number who also pose too much temptation on my part, so I also deleted it. You gotta do the same,. 1
anonymousbear00101100 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 It does suck. There is no debating that. I want my ex to realize I was the best thing in his life like he told me once before and come running back to me begging for another chance... We don't always get what we want in life. But you don't need her, you want her. There is a difference. I'm starting to feel better honestly. I'm so glad I didn't message her at 4 in the morning like I almost did. Both of us seem to be having similar problems. We want the validation from our ex because we've put all of our self worth into the relationship, and if they don't need us, we see ourselves as less of a person. At least that's how it seems to be for me.
anonymousbear00101100 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 C'mon, people. Deleting/blocking your ex on social media is like Recovery 101 stuff. Years ago, I kept an ex on FB. I hid her, but of course, would check her page periodically. She didn't post much, but if she ever posted a picture of her out and about, I felt lousy. I didn't make that mistake again. With my last ex, I deleted and blocked her from FB within an hour of knowing it was over. She's not on IG or anything, but if she was, I'd block her there, too. She's a private person online, but I don't want even a hint of what she's doing with her life, whether it's making dinner of getting banged on the Golden Gate Bridge. None of it will help me. And that first ex I mentioned? She and I are good friends today. It took years, but we got there. It's sincere, too. I felt awful for her when her last relationship ended, whereas I would probably do a jig if I found out my most recent ex was single again. Stop torturing yourselves, people. I've blocked my ex on FB, but I don't have an IG, so I can't block her there. When I'm weak I just google her IG account and there she is. She rarely posts anything anywhere, so it usually does me no harm except self loathing for being weak.
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