Confused - just need to tell my story.

[capitalcity_girl21]

I am a 25 year old female who has been dating the same guy for 1 year now. This is my 3rd long-term relationship after dating someone for 3 years and then someone for a little over 2 years (different people). The day-to-day relationship is great and we love each other very much.

 

There have been two minor/major speed bumps (dependent upon how you look at it) that involved other women, emotional unfaithfulness (no physical), and a lot of lies. The first incident happened quite early in our relationship and involved someone that my boyfriend had been friends with before we met. It was quite painful for me to find out that they were having a 'secret' relationship over the phone. I was travelling a lot for work at the time so I still am not sure if they ever saw one and other during my time away.

 

I repeatedly asked him to stop speaking to her because it was apparent that the nature of their conversations were not completely innocent ... but yet he continued for another 3 months even after seeing the emotional and physical efffect his actions were having on me; and continually lying about it even though he knew that I knew the truth. So that was hard but I forgave him and got over it. I understand that no one is perfect and because I cared about him and felt like we had something good I thought the relationship was worth fighting for - although I struggled with this for quite awhile and we had many long discussions about ending things (always initiated by me).

 

He never stopped being affectionate and he never made me feel less than his ideal. But just the thought of the other woman (who I had never met) and their conversations was enough for me to feel insecure and pretty worthless. The woman eventually ended up moving back to South Africa (her home country) after her work visa expired and they have not spoken since. So things were great for a few months and I did not have the feeling inside of me that things were a little off - a feeling that had been plaguing me for the 4 months he carried on with the South African. Then something similiar happened again, this time with a girl that he had been engaged to when he was 18 and had not seen for 7 years. Long story short - they met up with one another behind my back, I found out, he lied about it and I told him it was over. End of story. He did not do anything with her (I believe this) but just the deceit and the lies was again enough for me to realize that I did not need this kind of aggravation in my life.

 

We were broken up for about 2 days and during that time I felt worse then I ever have in my whole life. Despite everything, this is the man I want to marry (and trust me, I am not a romantic by any sense of the imagination) but it is hard knowing that he can behave in this manner even though he acts completely loving and doting in our home life. We are supposed to be moving at the end of this year because he is in the military and will be getting restationed. I don't think I can move with him unless we get married however, I do not want to pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. I asked him once and he said no. When we were broken up he told me over the phone that he was going to ask me on our anniversary.

 

Well, our anniversary has come and gone with no proposal. I just fear that maybe he feels there is someone better out there for him ... or maybe he is unsatisfied with certain aspects of our relationship which is stopping him from wanting to truly committ. I don't know - but I can't give him an ultimatum because that wouldn't be right. You're either ready or you're not. I'm just afraid of moving and leaving my job and my friends and then having something happen and everything falls apart. Then I would find myself in a strange place with nothing. It is a scary thought.

[Artscrafter]

The problem is that he still has emotional attachments to the women in his past, and he's not being particularly honest to you about it. I notice that with the first woman, it stopped but not because of something he did. You're recognizing this problem, and it's giving you pause (otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.) But you love him and can't stand the thought of leaving him. Thing is, love has a frustrating tendency not to listen to reason.

I'm just afraid of moving and leaving my job and my friends and then having something happen and everything falls apart. Then I would find myself in a strange place with nothing. It is a scary thought.

You need to listen to the part of yourself that's saying this. You're unwilling to move along with him unless you get married - but are you sure you want that? It sounds like you've got some unresolved issues but you're under time pressure to decide. Be careful with this - hasty decisions can lead you to do something you may regret later. If you're afraid of moving with him and having things fall apart, how will marrying him fix this? If things are going to fall apart between you two, having pressured him into marrying you isn't going to make much of a difference to your chances of staying together. Then you'd not only be stuck in an unfamiliar place away from the life you know, but you'd also have to deal with divorce proceedings on top of that.

 

I'm not saying it's doomed to fail, but marrying him isn't the answer to the doubts you have. Especially if it's pressuring him into marriage. You just have to let him go at his own pace and hope for the best. If he's truly ready to commit before he ships out, great. If not, you'll have to decide whether leaving your present life is worth a chance with the guy.

[i.am.donna.kay]

Let him go....if you marry him....this behavior will continue. There are people that can never commit themselves completely. He gets off on the rush of attraction and someone else wanting him. I doubt it will ever change. My ex was like that....and guess who is knocking at my door after two different women. I let him back after the first.....the 2nd was just too much. Go forward at your own risk.