DeterminedHusbanb Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I'be had a wonderful hottie for 17 years. Our sex used to be incredible, and still is when we do it. However, I realized that it was more me doing everything. Even though she doesn't ask for the extras, I give them and she loves it. Also, I'm the one setting up dates, always talking sexy, hugging, grabbing and complimenting. If there is anything I think she wants in bed, I make sure she gets it. She doesn't do the same. I told her that she was lazy in the relationship. She agreed that she had become lazy. I told her that she never does anything extra for my pleasure(I think she knows how horny I am for her, so she doesn't have to). I questioned her weeks after the first talk, and she smiled and said "honey, you just make it so easy for me to be lazy". If I back off, I might not get anything. So ladies could she be shy? Just lazy? A princess? Do you ladies start sex sometimes? Use all your skills to pleasure your partner? What do you suggest to get her turned around?
Ic1 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 she smiled and said "honey, you just make it so easy for me to be lazy" This response could be a very bad thing. It's context is a major factor, but she could be using you! Satisfaction of a fulfilling relationship with no work she has to do, and she's not afraid to tell you her use of you!?!? The other two ways I could see her meaning is her trying to be romantic: eg "you're so nice to me sweetie." Which wouldn't be good either, because she'd think that to be an effort. Then she could also be trying to tell you: "Give me a chance to!" So back off a bit?
Author DeterminedHusbanb Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 100% sure she is not saying "give me a chance". If I don't try, nothing will happen, but when I do she finishes and really liked it. So why not show you want it. Why not give me the extras?
d0nnivain Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I'be had a wonderful hottie for 17 years. . So ladies could she be shy? What do you suggest to get her turned around? Shy? After 17 years with her Husband? No I don't think that's it. Since she told you that you make it easy for her, after almost 2 decades she may think she has fulfilled her wifely duty by just showing up. You need to tell her some of what you have told us, that you want her to initiate more & you want her to be more active. Ask nicely & reward "good behavior" with praise.
smackie9 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Take her to get lessons from a dominatrix. She will learn how much fun it is to take control, and be the aggressor.
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I am a woman who initiates any kind of sexual playtime more often than most men I've been with. If I'm into you, I'm into you and sex is just one glorious way I show how I feel about you. Having said that, because I have a high libido and am not afraid to initiate I've found myself in a similar predicament as you. I love to shower my men with affection and am eager to please him and fulfill his every desire but sometimes that backfires to the point where they end up just sitting back and take, take, take, often forgetting to give, give, give. Thankfully I'm a resourceful woman and am still able to get what's mine no problem but it can be frustrating sometimes. And I really don't want to be that person who starts playing games in the bedroom by holding back what comes naturally. That only builds resentment in the long haul. The only way around this is honest and brutal communication. Relationships are a two way street and if you're not feeling appreciated or fulfilled in the ways YOU need, perhaps you need to rethink your relationship. Otherwise accept what is. Good luck. 2
katiegrl Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I did not read where he said they were actually married. He said he still sets up all their *dates* ....which leads me to conclude they are not married....I could be wrong. I don't think she's shy though...what she IS .... is complacent. OP, you said you have backed off and she still doesn't step up. How long have you backed off for? Obviously it's not long enough. My advice would be to back off....indefinitely. In time, IF she cares, she will miss you and realize that either SHE does something, or she won't see you! You need to be strong here.....she is right .... YOU are making this all too easy for her to sit back, do nothing and let you do all the work. You have already talked to her to no avail. Time for action .....or NON-action. Back off and stick to it! If she fails to ever step up, then she doesn't give a shyt and you should move on. If you are, in fact, married, then this would not apply. Can you clarify whether or not you're married, living together or have just been dating for 17 years?
SwordofFlame Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I did not read where he said they were actually married. He said he still sets up all their *dates* ....which leads me to conclude they are not married....I could be wrong. I don't think she's shy though...what she IS .... is complacent. OP, you said you have backed off and she still doesn't step up. How long have you backed off for? Obviously it's not long enough. My advice would be to back off....indefinitely. In time, IF she cares, she will miss you and realize that either SHE does something, or she won't see you! You need to be strong here.....she is right .... YOU are making this all too easy for her to sit back, do nothing and let you do all the work. You have already talked to her to no avail. Time for action .....or NON-action. Back off and stick to it! If she fails to ever step up, then she doesn't give a shyt and you should move on. If you are, in fact, married, then this would not apply. Can you clarify whether or not you're married, living together or have just been dating for 17 years? I think he's married cause he has the word husband in his username. 1
katiegrl Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 (edited) I think he's married cause he has the word husband in his username. Good point.... which makes much of my post pretty much moot...although backing off indefinitely on doing all the initiating is worth a shot. Leaving gets a bit more complicated. OP, have you considered couples counseling? Edited December 4, 2015 by katiegrl
Author DeterminedHusbanb Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 Yes, ladies I'm married to her, and love her and have the hots for her, etc. Thanks so much and I'd like to hear more suggestions. Not interested in taking her to a dominetress, I don't want that in a lady. Some of you say hold off the trying. That is hard for me, then she will make sure that I accidentally see her naked and I instantly cave in. When I have held out, without noticing what she is doing??? She touches more and rubs across me more. Will steaming her up for a few days without giving it to her make her come after it or anger her?
d0nnivain Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 . Some of you say hold off the trying. That is hard for me, then she will make sure that I accidentally see her naked and I instantly cave in. When I have held out, without noticing what she is doing??? She touches more and rubs across me more. Will steaming her up for a few days without giving it to her make her come after it or anger her? Where's my 2x4 when I need it to hit you in the head? I'm kidding but duh, when she makes sure you "accidentally" see her naked & touches you & rubs you -- newsflash she IS initiating! 2
Ic1 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Some of you say hold off the trying. That is hard for me, then she will make sure that I accidentally see her naked and I instantly cave in. When I have held out, without noticing what she is doing??? She touches more and rubs across me more. You say she's not trying??
Glitters Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 From the first post I get the gist that this has been the story for all the 17 years ? If it had always been like this , why complain now ? 1
katiegrl Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Where's my 2x4 when I need it to hit you in the head? I'm kidding but duh, when she makes sure you "accidentally" see her naked & touches you & rubs you -- newsflash she IS initiating! I agree! It's subtle ....which is her style obviously. And it works apparently too...so why change what works? After 17 years, you want to change her now? Why? This is your dynamic... your dance. Every couple has their own dance and this is yours. You are still HOT for her (she for you)...you're having great sex.....stop complaining... accept her style of initiating..... and enjoy!
Author DeterminedHusbanb Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 Ok ladies.......hit me with a 2x4, men don't always pick up on subtle hints. Remember, you have finer tuned emotions, pick up more, etc. She admitted her laziness. Sounds like some of you are angry?I wasn't complaining!!! Ok, I'll be more attentive to subtle hints. Now that I got help with that, I also mentioned she takes a lot, lot more than she gives. Suggestions here?
Author DeterminedHusbanb Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 And Michelle ma Belle, sorry someone didn't recognize how blessed and fun you must be. 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 The only way around this is honest and brutal communication. Relationships are a two way street and if you're not feeling appreciated or fulfilled in the ways YOU need, perhaps you need to rethink your relationship. Otherwise accept what is. Good luck. So if he brutally communicates and she still doesn't change - his recourses are only to dump his marriage or to accept lackluster sex?? I don't think that many people feel inspired to step up their sex game because of being cornered. I am not against the brutal communication but my question is, where does it leave the married people when he says it and nothing changes?? Talk about building resentment.
Author DeterminedHusbanb Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 Really though, is her subtle actions really trying or just saying maybe available? Is it really vanity or unladylike to make your desire we'll known?
Mrin Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I agree! It's subtle ....which is her style obviously. And it works apparently too...so why change what works? After 17 years, you want to change her now? Why? This is your dynamic... your dance. Every couple has their own dance and this is yours. You are still HOT for her (she for you)...you're having great sex.....stop complaining... accept her style of initiating..... and enjoy! This. This is so spot on. You have to realize that you and her have a very well established dance. Now you want to change that. That's okay. But here are some suggestions on how to actually change it: 1. Don't say things like, "you don't....". Or "you are not doing....". Those all come across as criticisms. Because they are. When faced with a criticism, especially from a relationship partner and certainly on a topic such as this, it is only human for the shields to go immediately up and for the listening to shut down. Don't do that. It is pointless. You may be saying things that you need to say but she's not listening at that point. 2. Instead say, "I want you to....". You need to tell her exactly what you want without any negatives or criticisms. Just tell her how you want to change the dance. 3. The most erotic part of a woman is her brain. Use that. Passionate lovemaking starts hours and even days before the first garment hits the floor. 4. Make a fantasy bag: each of you write down 5 or so fantasies, fold them up and put them in the bag. When you feel so inclined, one of you draws out a fantasy and you do it. 1
Author DeterminedHusbanb Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 Good stuff Mrin! I did ask once and she said she don't fantasize or have fantasies. I can't believe it, maybe too shy to tell or thought too bad to tell. I love the bag idea. Now it will just be getting her to talk.
Redfisher Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I am a woman who initiates any kind of sexual playtime more often than most men I've been with. If I'm into you, I'm into you and sex is just one glorious way I show how I feel about you. Having said that, because I have a high libido and am not afraid to initiate I've found myself in a similar predicament as you. I love to shower my men with affection and am eager to please him and fulfill his every desire but sometimes that backfires to the point where they end up just sitting back and take, take, take, often forgetting to give, give, give. Thankfully I'm a resourceful woman and am still able to get what's mine no problem but it can be frustrating sometimes. And I really don't want to be that person who starts playing games in the bedroom by holding back what comes naturally. That only builds resentment in the long haul. The only way around this is honest and brutal communication. Relationships are a two way street and if you're not feeling appreciated or fulfilled in the ways YOU need, perhaps you need to rethink your relationship. Otherwise accept what is. Good luck. I see how that can happen, I'm the same as you in a way and love doing that for my girlfriend... And it payed off as she gives me oral all the time for no reason and does not ask for anything back..I asked her why and she said because you make me feel wanted and you do it for me... So I'm lucky I guess.
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 So if he brutally communicates and she still doesn't change - his recourses are only to dump his marriage or to accept lackluster sex?? I don't think that many people feel inspired to step up their sex game because of being cornered. I am not against the brutal communication but my question is, where does it leave the married people when he says it and nothing changes?? Talk about building resentment. Well what options would you suggest? I mean, if you're with a partner with whom you've communicated your concerns and are doing YOUR part in the relationship but they show little to no desire to meet your YOUR needs or even meet you half way for more than a nano second, what do you do? When I was going through this in my marriage my therapist asked me a question that changed my life; if this is as good as it will ever be, is it good enough? I've talked about this life-changing question a million times on here because it's a powerful question to ask oneself about anything in life. As far as I see it, he has two options; if he answered yes then he needs to stop bellyaching and dwelling on what he's not getting and appreciate what he has. If he answered no then he needs to make some very hard decisions to change his predicament. 3
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I see how that can happen, I'm the same as you in a way and love doing that for my girlfriend... And it payed off as she gives me oral all the time for no reason and does not ask for anything back..I asked her why and she said because you make me feel wanted and you do it for me... So I'm lucky I guess. Honestly, I don't mind all that much. I do what I do because I genuinely love doing it. Most of the men I've been with have never been with a woman who wanted sex as much or more than they do so I can see how they can feel spoiled after a while. What woman doesn't want to keep their man happy after all? It helps that I do get a lot of pleasure from pleasing my partners but I also enjoy sitting back and being spoiled every now and again too
Redfisher Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Honestly, I don't mind all that much. I do what I do because I genuinely love doing it. Most of the men I've been with have never been with a woman who wanted sex as much or more than they do so I can see how they can feel spoiled after a while. What woman doesn't want to keep their man happy after all? It helps that I do get a lot of pleasure from pleasing my partners but I also enjoy sitting back and being spoiled every now and again too And you deserve to be spoiled now and then...I get a kick out of married men who bitch about not getting sex a lot, when it's clear they do not do anything to deserve it. ( not you OP, other dudes) I've found cleaning the house and doing laundry are two of the largest forms of foreplay.... 1
Keenly Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Taking your clothes off doesn't exactly count as effort. 1
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