exjuicehead Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I dated the girl of my dreams 5 years ago. She left me then and I completely changed my life as far as career and success. I went from nothing to a $200k a year job in 3 years. We reconnected 8 months ago and started dating again. The mistake I made was that I didn't work on the issues that have caused problems in every relationship I have ever been in. She tried very hard to make me see the stupid things I was doing. I found the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and it completely opened my eyes but it was to little to late. We have been in no contact for 3 weeks tomorrow except I sent her this letter and a copy of the book. How big of a mistake was this? I sent it a week ago tomorrow, she hasn't responded and I haven't attempted to contact her either. Please read it and tell me how bad I **** up sending this. "I hope this letter doesn't upset you. Firstly, this is not an attempt to get you back. I understand your decision and why it had to happen, and secondly if you read this I am trusting you to keep the things I tell you in confidence. I am gonna share some things that I've only ever spoken aloud too to one other person, my new therapist in the last few weeks. This letter is about thanking you for opening my eyes and forcing me to evaluate myself deeply. You once said that you bring out the worst in me, and while I agree that you suffered through the worst qualities I had, the truth is both times we dated you forced me to learn and make the changes to make myself a better person. Five years ago when we split I decided that I had to change the things in my life as far as my career and direction. I was very successful at that, but I didn't make the effort to heal the wounds from my childhood because I didn't want to face them. This time you have forced me to take a hard look at myself and how I act in relationships. When you used to say that it was my demeanor I didn't understand what you were trying to tell me. I would scratch my head and think "What, I don't stand up straight?" "I don't seem happy?" I wanted to fix it, but I just didn't get what you meant. The last time we split up four weeks before you went to Dallas I started to look into relationships trying to figure out what it was that I was doing so incredibly wrong. I stumbled upon this book, and when I read the first few chapters the first time I broke down. It so encapsulated me and the all things I did in our relationship I was in shock. Here on the pages was everything I was feeling, the words described my mistakes and why I was making them to a T. Since then I have read this book six times and will continue too until I have beaten this. I have also joined an online support group for guys like myself, and I started seeing a therapist in (our town) twice a week. I slowed down with texting you those last three weeks because I was looking for the courage to break up with you. Not because I didn't love you, or didn't want you in my life. It was because I realized that I had to fix myself before I could ever give you what you needed. I couldn't expect you to stand by me through all of this after the things you had already been through this last year, it wouldn't have been fair to you. I couldn't bring myself to leave you though because I loved you, and you had become so much more loving to me in those last three weeks. Jumping into my arms, telling me you missed me and the other little things you were doing. I couldn't bring myself to let you go, so as I have so many times in my life I self sabotaged and forced you to do it. But once I did it I regretted it so much because I knew you were gone forever. If only I had had the courage to say these things to you and ask for time to repair myself. Once again, (Ex Girlfriend) really was right. It really was about my mother and the other abuse that happened when I was young. After the initial shock, I felt relief knowing that someone out there knew what I was feeling and had a solution to fix the things I was doing. As I read the pages I started to understand all the things I was doing, and how you percieved them. All the things I did were fear based, like coming to your house when we fought, I thought I had to fix things and make you happy when you were mad or you would stop caring. All of my actions I now realize were due to the fearful state I was in based on the core beliefs I had from my childhood. My childhood was so much worse than I have ever had the courage to tell you about, and because my memory is so good I remember each and every moment. I remember being held down and having water poured on my face to make me feel like I was drowning, or dish soap ***** down my throat while he sat on my chest for having said a cuss word. Or punched in the face for not calling (stepdad) “dad” I remember having to go to school and lie to cover the black eyes and say I was hit with a baseball. I remembered being 9 years old having him tell me he was going to kill me on leave me on the riverbank and no one would care. I remember trying to ask my friends parents for help and having them tell my mom who told Steve. He told me if I ever told anyone else he would kill me and whoever I told. And I remember wondering why my mother allowed him to do these things and so many others to me. I remember wondering why these things were happening to me and not to (my brothers). I couldn't understand what was so wrong with me. I couldn't believe that you really cared about me the way you did because my core beliefs were built on a childhood of abuse, abandonment, neglect and fear. I was told my whole childhood that I was bad, so although I wanted to believe I was a good, nice guy, internally I didn't truly believe it. And if I didn't believe it, how could you? I couldn't have a healthy relationship with you because my core beliefs weren't healthy. The last time we spoke through text, I said that you texting other guys was just a symptom of a bigger issue. You thought that I was saying that you had a bigger issue, but I was talking about myself and the realizations that came from reading this book. Before that I lied to myself and convinced myself I was fine, and that our issues were because of you. The reason I am saying thank you is because I know how hard you tried and wanted it to work between us. You once said that you were damaged, maybe, but I was damaged too. If you hadn't tried so hard I would have never been forced to start the journey to fix myself. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I now know the answers to the questions I have carried my whole life. I have made the decision to no longer lie to myself, and to realize that I am worthy of someones love. I am worthy of a really great woman that I can have a real connection with. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I am happier internally than I have been in a long time. Now that my eyes have been opened to these issues I can get them fixed. I feel free of those old fears because I understand them now and how to handle them. I now know the things that happened to me when I was young weren't my fault on a subconsious level. I really hope that your feelings for me doesn't stop you from reading the book, once you do all of my actions will make a lot more sense. It has honestly changed me profoundly in just the six weeks since I first picked it up. I know the title is off putting but after the first few pages you'll understand what Dr. Glover means by nice guy. My biggest regret is that I didn't find it sooner. If I had fixed these issues before, I honestly believe we would still be together. My actions killed your attraction for me instead of making it grow and I see that now, how could you fall in love with someone doing the things I did? I just couldn't comprehend at the times the things you were trying to tell me. We had so much in common and it could have been so much better if I only understood then the things I do now. You won't hear from me again after this. I hope your Thanksgiving was amazing, and that you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I am sorry for any and all pain that I caused you. I care about you a lot, and I only wish you success and all the love you deserve. I hate that it took losing you to realize these things, but I hope someday you can forgive me and see that I was just a damaged person trying to figure out the things I was never shown as a child. I'll always love you unconditionally, and cherish our fun times together and the opportunity to learn from from our relationship. One of my absolute favorite memories will always be you coming up behind me at the airport when I came to visit the first time, and the rush of love I felt standing there just holding you in my arms. The movies are for (her son), we never got to finsh watching them together. Tell him Happy birthday for me. Thank you for trying so hard, and making me see."
PegNosePete Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 What does it matter, if she's not going to hear from you again anyway? NC. 1
Author exjuicehead Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 Just because I won't be contacting her doesn't mean I never want her to contact me. I really cared a lot for this girl and after these realizations I know it was mostly my fault that we didn't work... We also live 1/10th of a mile from each other and work out at the same gym because its the only one in our area with child care. In fact a big part of our relationship and probably the best part was working out together. I am not contacting her because she was really mad when we split. I had went through her phone and found her texting an ex.. Actually she was basically ignoring him, but I freaked out over it like I did a hundred times before over the tiniest things like this because I wasn't confident in myself. She felt betrayed that I went through her phone and said it was the last straw.
Author exjuicehead Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 Very much so, but I have started to talk to other women to try and move on.
PegNosePete Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Well, my guess is she'll see the letter and delete it. And even if she does open it, she'll see the length, and then delete it. So did it make you seem weak? Probably not, because she probably didn't read it.
Redhead14 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I dated the girl of my dreams 5 years ago. She left me then and I completely changed my life as far as career and success. I went from nothing to a $200k a year job in 3 years. We reconnected 8 months ago and started dating again. The mistake I made was that I didn't work on the issues that have caused problems in every relationship I have ever been in. She tried very hard to make me see the stupid things I was doing. I found the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and it completely opened my eyes but it was to little to late. We have been in no contact for 3 weeks tomorrow except I sent her this letter and a copy of the book. How big of a mistake was this? I sent it a week ago tomorrow, she hasn't responded and I haven't attempted to contact her either. Please read it and tell me how bad I **** up sending this. "I hope this letter doesn't upset you. Firstly, this is not an attempt to get you back. I understand your decision and why it had to happen, and secondly if you read this I am trusting you to keep the things I tell you in confidence. I am gonna share some things that I've only ever spoken aloud too to one other person, my new therapist in the last few weeks. This letter is about thanking you for opening my eyes and forcing me to evaluate myself deeply. You once said that you bring out the worst in me, and while I agree that you suffered through the worst qualities I had, the truth is both times we dated you forced me to learn and make the changes to make myself a better person. Five years ago when we split I decided that I had to change the things in my life as far as my career and direction. I was very successful at that, but I didn't make the effort to heal the wounds from my childhood because I didn't want to face them. This time you have forced me to take a hard look at myself and how I act in relationships. When you used to say that it was my demeanor I didn't understand what you were trying to tell me. I would scratch my head and think "What, I don't stand up straight?" "I don't seem happy?" I wanted to fix it, but I just didn't get what you meant. The last time we split up four weeks before you went to Dallas I started to look into relationships trying to figure out what it was that I was doing so incredibly wrong. I stumbled upon this book, and when I read the first few chapters the first time I broke down. It so encapsulated me and the all things I did in our relationship I was in shock. Here on the pages was everything I was feeling, the words described my mistakes and why I was making them to a T. Since then I have read this book six times and will continue too until I have beaten this. I have also joined an online support group for guys like myself, and I started seeing a therapist in (our town) twice a week. I slowed down with texting you those last three weeks because I was looking for the courage to break up with you. Not because I didn't love you, or didn't want you in my life. It was because I realized that I had to fix myself before I could ever give you what you needed. I couldn't expect you to stand by me through all of this after the things you had already been through this last year, it wouldn't have been fair to you. I couldn't bring myself to leave you though because I loved you, and you had become so much more loving to me in those last three weeks. Jumping into my arms, telling me you missed me and the other little things you were doing. I couldn't bring myself to let you go, so as I have so many times in my life I self sabotaged and forced you to do it. But once I did it I regretted it so much because I knew you were gone forever. If only I had had the courage to say these things to you and ask for time to repair myself. Once again, (Ex Girlfriend) really was right. It really was about my mother and the other abuse that happened when I was young. After the initial shock, I felt relief knowing that someone out there knew what I was feeling and had a solution to fix the things I was doing. As I read the pages I started to understand all the things I was doing, and how you percieved them. All the things I did were fear based, like coming to your house when we fought, I thought I had to fix things and make you happy when you were mad or you would stop caring. All of my actions I now realize were due to the fearful state I was in based on the core beliefs I had from my childhood. My childhood was so much worse than I have ever had the courage to tell you about, and because my memory is so good I remember each and every moment. I remember being held down and having water poured on my face to make me feel like I was drowning, or dish soap ***** down my throat while he sat on my chest for having said a cuss word. Or punched in the face for not calling (stepdad) “dad” I remember having to go to school and lie to cover the black eyes and say I was hit with a baseball. I remembered being 9 years old having him tell me he was going to kill me on leave me on the riverbank and no one would care. I remember trying to ask my friends parents for help and having them tell my mom who told Steve. He told me if I ever told anyone else he would kill me and whoever I told. And I remember wondering why my mother allowed him to do these things and so many others to me. I remember wondering why these things were happening to me and not to (my brothers). I couldn't understand what was so wrong with me. I couldn't believe that you really cared about me the way you did because my core beliefs were built on a childhood of abuse, abandonment, neglect and fear. I was told my whole childhood that I was bad, so although I wanted to believe I was a good, nice guy, internally I didn't truly believe it. And if I didn't believe it, how could you? I couldn't have a healthy relationship with you because my core beliefs weren't healthy. The last time we spoke through text, I said that you texting other guys was just a symptom of a bigger issue. You thought that I was saying that you had a bigger issue, but I was talking about myself and the realizations that came from reading this book. Before that I lied to myself and convinced myself I was fine, and that our issues were because of you. The reason I am saying thank you is because I know how hard you tried and wanted it to work between us. You once said that you were damaged, maybe, but I was damaged too. If you hadn't tried so hard I would have never been forced to start the journey to fix myself. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I now know the answers to the questions I have carried my whole life. I have made the decision to no longer lie to myself, and to realize that I am worthy of someones love. I am worthy of a really great woman that I can have a real connection with. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I am happier internally than I have been in a long time. Now that my eyes have been opened to these issues I can get them fixed. I feel free of those old fears because I understand them now and how to handle them. I now know the things that happened to me when I was young weren't my fault on a subconsious level. I really hope that your feelings for me doesn't stop you from reading the book, once you do all of my actions will make a lot more sense. It has honestly changed me profoundly in just the six weeks since I first picked it up. I know the title is off putting but after the first few pages you'll understand what Dr. Glover means by nice guy. My biggest regret is that I didn't find it sooner. If I had fixed these issues before, I honestly believe we would still be together. My actions killed your attraction for me instead of making it grow and I see that now, how could you fall in love with someone doing the things I did? I just couldn't comprehend at the times the things you were trying to tell me. We had so much in common and it could have been so much better if I only understood then the things I do now. You won't hear from me again after this. I hope your Thanksgiving was amazing, and that you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I am sorry for any and all pain that I caused you. I care about you a lot, and I only wish you success and all the love you deserve. I hate that it took losing you to realize these things, but I hope someday you can forgive me and see that I was just a damaged person trying to figure out the things I was never shown as a child. I'll always love you unconditionally, and cherish our fun times together and the opportunity to learn from from our relationship. One of my absolute favorite memories will always be you coming up behind me at the airport when I came to visit the first time, and the rush of love I felt standing there just holding you in my arms. The movies are for (her son), we never got to finsh watching them together. Tell him Happy birthday for me. Thank you for trying so hard, and making me see." I wouldn't say it makes you sound weak. You've expressed yourself and got it all out there. If it brought you closure to send it, great. If, however, you've sent it and are still looking for a response or acknowledgement, in your heart, you are hoping for reconciliation I'd say. I'd go no contact now. Even if she responds, don't answer back.
Author exjuicehead Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 Well, my guess is she'll see the letter and delete it. And even if she does open it, she'll see the length, and then delete it. So did it make you seem weak? Probably not, because she probably didn't read it. I mailed it and left a copy of the book along with movies for her son, his birthday is next week.
lilmissjava Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I think your attempt perhaps was too little too late, but hindsight is always 20/20. I believe everyone has their moments and I believe this girl catapulted you into digging deep within to find that self-awareness and how it so deeply affects you and those in your life. Although an eyeopener, it may take some time for both of you to process this because it is A LOT of past issues that YOU need to deal with on your own. Not a lot of people have the courage to do that and I commend you for it. She may or may not respond to any of this and you shouldn't assume that because she hasn't responded is because she didn't care. No one knows this, not even you. Only her. Do not let your past define you from here on. Whether we grow from those experiences while we're young or an adult, we have that chance to make our lives all the more better because we have been given that gift. Just keep giving all you have into making yourself a better person and to work through these issues in therapy and the support groups. Good luck. 1
Gaeta Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I dated the girl of my dreams 5 years ago. She left me then and I completely changed my life as far as career and success. I went from nothing to a $200k a year job in 3 years. We reconnected 8 months ago and started dating again. The mistake I made was that I didn't work on the issues that have caused problems in every relationship I have ever been in. She tried very hard to make me see the stupid things I was doing. I found the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and it completely opened my eyes but it was to little to late. We have been in no contact for 3 weeks tomorrow except I sent her this letter and a copy of the book. How big of a mistake was this? I sent it a week ago tomorrow, she hasn't responded and I haven't attempted to contact her either. Please read it and tell me how bad I **** up sending this. It's ridiculous. 5 years ago you lost her because of your issues. You reconnected 8 months ago and again you lost her because of your issues And now you want her to believe that you changed all of those issues in 3 WEEKS!! That long letter is something you should discuss with your shrink, not here, she's not your therapist. If I were her and I received that letter that would confirmed to me you have serious issues and to not reconnect with you again. 1
Redfisher Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Keep writing them but toss them in the trash after a few days...It will help you with your own issues.... 1
Author exjuicehead Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 I wouldn't say it makes you sound weak. You've expressed yourself and got it all out there. If it brought you closure to send it, great. If, however, you've sent it and are still looking for a response or acknowledgement, in your heart, you are hoping for reconciliation I'd say. I'd go no contact now. Even if she responds, don't answer back. I am in no contact and it hasn't been that hard. I still want to reach out but we split a month ago and it has gotten much easier. I wrote the letter and had initially planned to wait much longer than 2 weeks of no contact to send it. I sent it sooner than I had originally planned because something happened. On thanksgiving night which was about 3 weeks to the day since she and I last spoke my ex's neighbor who is also my ex's best friend randomly texted me and started asking questions that seemed like they were definitely coming from my ex. An issue my ex and I had was that I didn't stay consistent on my ADHD meds. Her neighbor randomly text me on Thanksgiving "Are you taking your medication?" I replied "Thats was kinda random, why would you ask me that?" her responses was "just asking." I didn't respond for a while and she said "Are you doing ok?" and I said "I'm amazing. Happy Thanksgiving." I assumed the questions were coming from my ex so I dropped the letter off with the book. Yes, I do regret it, but this girl was telling me these things the whole time and I was in denial blaming her for everything. Literally, 4 months ago she said verbatim "I think all of these issues you have trusting me come from your mother and the things she did." She was a survivor of childhood abuse and has PTSD from it, so she I assumed she would be more understanding of this stuff.
Author exjuicehead Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 It's ridiculous. 5 years ago you lost her because of your issues. You reconnected 8 months ago and again you lost her because of your issues And now you want her to believe that you changed all of those issues in 3 WEEKS!! That long letter is something you should discuss with your shrink, not here, she's not your therapist. If I were her and I received that letter that would confirmed to me you have serious issues and to not reconnect with you again. Thank you for your response. I at no point in the letter said that I was over my issues. I said that my eyes have been opened to the denial I lived in for years. I have started seeing a shrink, I have started reading self help books, I have started to realize that being molested, beaten, neglected and abandoned as child weren't due to me being me. I have realized that children are egocentric and believe all things that happen are somehow due to them. I have realized that I have been living life with the frame of mind that it was bad for me to love myself because I was told as a child that loving yourself was an abhorrent thing. I have realized that although I have a long journey in front of me I am worthy of a good woman. My problem has always been that I expect every girl to wake up one day and think "wow he's a piece of ****" I realize now that I am not a piece of ****, so yes in the 8 weeks since I first read the book I have made amazing progress, and that comes from my "shrink" not my personal opinion.
d0nnivain Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 You secretly hoped that this letter would send her running back into your arms. In the unlikely event that she even read it, I doubt it had much of an effect. Since you blew your 2nd chance, I think it's unrealistic for you to pine for her forever. Do what you need to do to implement the lessons you learned in the book & move forward in your life. If i had been the woman I am now when I was with the guy I lived with for a decade things might have been different but thinking that way is a life of regret, looking in the rear view mirror. The way I see it, even though that relationship ended, if it hadn't I would never have met & married DH who is a way better match for me anyway. Look forward, not backwards. 2
Redhead14 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I am in no contact and it hasn't been that hard. I still want to reach out but we split a month ago and it has gotten much easier. I wrote the letter and had initially planned to wait much longer than 2 weeks of no contact to send it. I sent it sooner than I had originally planned because something happened. On thanksgiving night which was about 3 weeks to the day since she and I last spoke my ex's neighbor who is also my ex's best friend randomly texted me and started asking questions that seemed like they were definitely coming from my ex. An issue my ex and I had was that I didn't stay consistent on my ADHD meds. Her neighbor randomly text me on Thanksgiving "Are you taking your medication?" I replied "Thats was kinda random, why would you ask me that?" her responses was "just asking." I didn't respond for a while and she said "Are you doing ok?" and I said "I'm amazing. Happy Thanksgiving." I assumed the questions were coming from my ex so I dropped the letter off with the book. Yes, I do regret it, but this girl was telling me these things the whole time and I was in denial blaming her for everything. Literally, 4 months ago she said verbatim "I think all of these issues you have trusting me come from your mother and the things she did." She was a survivor of childhood abuse and has PTSD from it, so she I assumed she would be more understanding of this stuff. She was a survivor of childhood abuse and has PTSD from it, so she I assumed she would be more understanding of this stuff -- Well, this information changes the picture. Abuse survivors are often closed off emotionally and are not capable of empathizing because of dissociation. So, your letter probably fell on deaf ears.
Versacehottie Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Just because I won't be contacting her doesn't mean I never want her to contact me. I really cared a lot for this girl and after these realizations I know it was mostly my fault that we didn't work... We also live 1/10th of a mile from each other and work out at the same gym because its the only one in our area with child care. In fact a big part of our relationship and probably the best part was working out together. I am not contacting her because she was really mad when we split. I had went through her phone and found her texting an ex.. Actually she was basically ignoring him, but I freaked out over it like I did a hundred times before over the tiniest things like this because I wasn't confident in myself. She felt betrayed that I went through her phone and said it was the last straw. Well what I bolded is the problem. I did just skim your letter to her. BUT it was a little dramatic good-bye letter. No offense, just a little melodramatic. I knew from reading your post and even buried within the lines of what you are saying to her that she is who you want. So then why by dramatically "good-bye" instead of what you should have done: dramatically beg her back. You say all the things she made you realize, you sound like you have potential to do better (at least with what I read) so instead of being passive and hoping she gets the hidden message that she is supposed to chase you, why not ask for what you really wanted? If you want something, the best way to get it is DIRECTLY. Plus with you saying you'd never contact her again now you are kinda backed into a corner. My post only has the explanation (probably for only part of it---what is this business with her phone??!??!?) unfortunately I don't have a solution for you. Good luck though. 1
Author exjuicehead Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 She was a survivor of childhood abuse and has PTSD from it, so she I assumed she would be more understanding of this stuff -- Well, this information changes the picture. Abuse survivors are often closed off emotionally and are not capable of empathizing because of dissociation. So, your letter probably fell on deaf ears. You may be correct. I felt like because she had said these things to me and knew some of the history of my childhood the fact that I made these realizations would make a difference. I understand that it is HIGHLY unliking that she and I will ever attempt to have a relationship again. Possibly friends down the road, but I know that we didn't speak for almost 4 years after we split last time. A large part of that was due to the fact that I moved across the country, but she is the type of person that sticks to a decision. I would be lying to say I don't want her back, but I am self aware enough to know that at this moment if we were to try again it would most likely end up the exact same way. I have to repair myself before I can be with her or anyone else seriously. A lot of this was me saying she was right and I wished I had listened sooner. I felt she deserved to know that.
Author exjuicehead Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 Well what I bolded is the problem. I did just skim your letter to her. BUT it was a little dramatic good-bye letter. No offense, just a little melodramatic. I knew from reading your post and even buried within the lines of what you are saying to her that she is who you want. So then why by dramatically "good-bye" instead of what you should have done: dramatically beg her back. You say all the things she made you realize, you sound like you have potential to do better (at least with what I read) so instead of being passive and hoping she gets the hidden message that she is supposed to chase you, why not ask for what you really wanted? If you want something, the best way to get it is DIRECTLY. Plus with you saying you'd never contact her again now you are kinda backed into a corner. My post only has the explanation (probably for only part of it---what is this business with her phone??!??!?) unfortunately I don't have a solution for you. Good luck though. I went through her phone and text messages. I found her texting an ex of hers. The messages were pretty much nothing more than, hey how are you, whats up with life blah blah blah. A lot of them she had completely ignored. I blew up because she had told me she wasn't talking to him at all. I went off, told her I was done, and was a little rude. Not mean, I never call names or become abusive, just basically saying things like don't ever contact me again, you deserve this guy and other stupid things. Once the rage puke passed I felt like I was being dumb and completely over reacted and I tried to talk to her through text. She wasn't responding and I started blowing her up asking her to talk to me. After about 15 texts messages she got pissed and responded "Leave me the **** alone." We speak again until the next when she texted me and said she was done, this was the last straw and to not contact her again. I agreed with her and said that was fine. A few days later her brother sent a group text including she and I and a few other people saying his phone was gonna be turned off because it was broken. I responded to the text saying "ok man, FB message me if you wanna hang out" She then said "He will not be hanging out with you, thanks." to the group text.. I responded to her directly and said "you mad?" She said "i'm not mad, I just want no contact with you." I immaturely respond "IDGAF" I saw her at the gym a couple days later and tried to talk to her but she walked away, gave me a dirty look, and completely ignored me. That will be 3 weeks tomorrow and we haven't seen each other except passing on the road and haven't spoken. The only contact we've had had been this letter. There is a good chance I will see her at the gym tomorrow, I have my kids and always work out on Saturday mornings because the kids care is open. She goes at this time usually, I haven't went the last three weeks to avoid her but I don't want to skip the gym. If she is there I plan to completely ignore her. Is that the best course of action? I was very beta male with her, pleasing, caretaking, telling her I loved her way more than she did me and so on.
Author exjuicehead Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 (edited) OK, so I had promised her brother that I would take him to see the new star wars when it comes out. He texted me and asked if we were still going so I told him only if it was ok with my ex and that I would ask her. We haven't had any contact since I sent the letter and book two weeks ago. The following is the conversation between her and I Look, I'm just gonna be direct and to the point with you. I ****ed up, I know I did. And I am in 100% agreement with you that our relationship needed to end. You aren't right for me and I'm not right for you in a romantic relationship. I know that I would never want to date you again and vice versa. Our relationship should have ended months before. I knew in my gut that we shouldn't try again after California and I was right. But, I do value the friendship we shared and how we talked about things.. I do value the relationship I had with (her kids). All I would like from you is to be friends. Not FWB, not friends that may date again. Just friends. I promised (her brother and son) I would take them to see the new Star Wars movie when it comes out on the 18th. I'm taking (my kids) to see it and I would still like for them to go. You and I don't even need to see each other if you wish. I really am sorry EX GF. I didn't want either of us to get hurt Her response - No. please leave me alone and my family My response - Ok, I don't get why you're being like this. If I was saying let's try again it would make sense, but I'm not. I'm not going to try to convince you, I just don't get why you are being so cold towards me. We broke up, **** didn't work out. No big deal, but why hold a grudge? you said yourself you still love me as a friend and care about, are you just trying to protect yourself? Her response - You broke all trust. As a friend as well. So I do not need you as a friend. I don't need you as anything. Not even an alliance. I'm not holding any grudge. I am perfectly happy with my choice and I just want to act like I do not even know you. I'm am not doing this to protect myself from anything. I have nothing to protect myself from. I have made my choice based off your actions. I don't ever want to try to understand you or "be cool" with you. I have made that choice. I'd appreciate it if you would just leave me and my family alone. No hard feelings. Just do not want you in my life at all. I have no feelings for you anymore. Not as a friend or a person. ME That's kinda harsh. I don't want this to turn into an argument, what I did was wrong and I accept that. I'm sorry you feel that way and I'm sorry I destroyed the trust you had in me. We both did things to hurt each other and I should have been direct in speaking my mind to you before it ever got that far. Her OK goodbye ME Fine EX GF, like I said, if you change your mind and would like a friendship eventually I'm open to it. Take care, and I hope you have a merry Christmas. This is how it went in our entire relationship when it was an argument me trying to talk and be cool and her being rude and short. My question is after the couple of hours that have passed I want to respond to her with this You know what the old Me would sit here and be ok with you acting like a little bitch. But **** that, you wanna act like I broke YOUR trust? That ****s really hilarious. You were texting other guys and lying to my face about it. You sending lee the little hug emojis and ****, sending Bryan pics of your ass. How pathetic. I'm ok with us being splitting up, in fact I'm thrilled that I don't look at you like I used too. I now see you for what you really are. I'm ok with not being friends. I only wanted to be friends because I love your kids. Because now that I'm healing myself and beginning to have a proper self image, I realize how much better I am than you. All you have is your looks. No career, no future, no integrity, the only chance you have is to marry a rich guy. You're basically your mother except she's legitimately crazy. You're just a bad person. So, when you **** up with whoever it is unfortunate enough to date you next, don't contact me again afterwards. Who you are inside honestly disgust me. I just don't know if i should send it. I feel like it would be good for me to tell her off and finally stand up for myself instead of being the nice guy all the time. Edited December 7, 2015 by exjuicehead
Versacehottie Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Um, don't send that. Honestly, I think you are playing out the breaking up process by including her in every bit of your own personal roller coaster about it. I think she has been at least in this phase very clear and level-headed about wanting contact to stop. What do you hope to achieve by insulting her and causing more drama? I'm worried she might get a restraining order on you and no one needs that kind of problem in their life. I think you need to seek out proactive ways, separate from contact with her, to work through your thoughts and feelings. Good luck
TheTraveler Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 (edited) Yes, it made you weak sending that. What was all that? Next time, write all that down and put it away in a drawer. Edited December 7, 2015 by TheTraveler
Truth34 Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 Well, my guess is she'll see the letter and delete it. And even if she does open it, she'll see the length, and then delete it. So did it make you seem weak? Probably not, because she probably didn't read it. I don't think that people just delete stuff like this. I mean, for cripes sake, I read the whole thing and I don't have any connection to the situation at all. That's like saying people don't read books because they are long. A lot of people really cared for the person who writes these letters. And I doubt the majority of these letters just get canned without a second glance. Of course, if the person who sent the letter constantly does this, or it ended on terrible terms and there is no longer a single caring bone left in the receivers body, I can see it.
Author exjuicehead Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 I didn't send the last message being a dick to her. Our entire conversation was on instagram message and I noticed something. Last week I posted a very douchebag shirtless pic at the gym... About an hour after I posted it she posted one of some new guy... Shirtless same as me.. and she said he was her MCM... Fast forward to today, we had that conversation and about 15 minutes later she posted another picture of the same guy... two shirtless pics with the guys face covered and pic of what was appartently like the same guy and her together... except the shirtless pic guy looks way bigger than the guy she is in the pic with. Also, she didn't tag anyone in either pic, which is really weird. My response was to send her a message saying "Truthfully, I am really glad you found someone that you look happy with, thats all I could ever want for you and the kids." and then blocked her on everything..
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