Bobbi7 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 This is what I've encountered on OLD, I start messaging a guy that I have interest in, he askes me, "what are you doing tonight?" This is like a trap question, if I answer, no plans-he wants to meet up that same night. Instead of "planning" the first meeting, like "when are you free next week? How does next Thursday work?" Do you find this appropriate? I always tell them, I'm busy when the what are you doing right now comes up...because I like things planned out.
J21 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I think you have to play it by ear. Some people don't care to go back and forth messaging and would much rather see if chemistry exists in a face to face interaction. I think that would save both of you time in the case it did not work out. (Assuming you guys sent messages back and forth for a however long you feel comfortable before eventually meeting)
lilmissjava Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 (edited) I prefer that messaging for a few days before making plans to have that first meet. No longer than that though, otherwise you risk a growing attachment that may leave you disappointed after you finally meet. My reasoning is that I live in a rural area and takes some time to have those first meets, and like you, think that planning is everything. I suspect some guys are multi-dating and/or want to get to know each other in person, don't like to message/text etc. A myriad of reasons. If a guy wants to meet me that fast, I would question his motives of doing so. Edited December 4, 2015 by lilmissjava
Redhead14 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 This is what I've encountered on OLD, I start messaging a guy that I have interest in, he askes me, "what are you doing tonight?" This is like a trap question, if I answer, no plans-he wants to meet up that same night. Instead of "planning" the first meeting, like "when are you free next week? How does next Thursday work?" Do you find this appropriate? I always tell them, I'm busy when the what are you doing right now comes up...because I like things planned out. This is OLD. The first meeting should be short and public. A couple of drinks, just to confirm that they are who they say they are and look like their pictures and decide if there is enough there at first blush to want to have a real date. So, if you're available and it's convenient, why not just eliminate or confirm it's a good match right away? Instead of going down the whole IM, email, chatting for a while only to find out that you're not that into him after you meet in person. While you're doing all that IMing, chatting, etc., you're kinda building them up in your head and idealizing only to be disappointed later. Yeah, he seems "out of the gate", but just see what he's like in person. Listen to your gut. Don't go home with him or get in his car. Pay for your own drinks and either let him know you'd be interested in seeing him again or tell him you don't think you two are a good match. If he asks you out again great. If he calls at the last minute for the real date though, decline and offer another day and time, etc. In other words, if he thinks that just because you met him on short notice for the first time that you will do that going forward, this is your opportunity to show him what you want. If he "gets" it, then go from there.
PogoStick Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Why is that a trap question? It's normal conversation in my opinion. Asking what are you up to, is a chance to learn more about the person. If he asks you out ASAP, what's so hard about saying "I'd like to meet you in a few days, but tonight I just want to relax at home"? 2
salparadise Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 The best thing is to meet as quickly as possible for a drink or coffee or a casual meal so you can determine if there is mutual interest. Same day is fine. The sooner the better so you can avoid the mistake of investing in a fantasy. You can eliminate people by messaging, but you can never determine if there is chemistry that way. When I meet someone online and she want to "get to know me better" by extended messaging, I just say nah, not interested in trying to convince you that I'm worth meeting. Next. When I found my absolutely wonderful girlfriend online, I asked her out in the first message and she accepted immediately. We scheduled it for a couple of days later, and we didn't message in-between. This is the best way to avoid 99 percent of the online bull$hit. 5
losangelena Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Why is that a trap question? It's normal conversation in my opinion. Asking what are you up to, is a chance to learn more about the person. If he asks you out ASAP, what's so hard about saying "I'd like to meet you in a few days, but tonight I just want to relax at home"? I agree. Trap question, what? If he says let's hang out tonight, just tell him you'd prefer to have some time to get ready and throw out a different night that works for you. You have an opinion and a voice—leverage them to get a little power in the situation. You're not obligated to go along with what a guy wants if that's not what you want. Anyway, it's a good test too to see how accommodating/flexible they are. If they get upset at that request and don't want to meet, then great, next them. But if they're willing to wait, that's good. Just re-read your message and it looks like you're already doing that. I don't see the problem here. State your boundaries, it's not a big deal. 4
hippychick3 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 This is what I've encountered on OLD, I start messaging a guy that I have interest in, he askes me, "what are you doing tonight?" This is like a trap question, if I answer, no plans-he wants to meet up that same night. Instead of "planning" the first meeting, like "when are you free next week? How does next Thursday work?" Do you find this appropriate? I always tell them, I'm busy when the what are you doing right now comes up...because I like things planned out. Messaging back and forth was pretty much a quick screener for me to see if it was worth meeting up (in addition to profile pics and info). It didn't take more than several back and forth for me to figure out if he was worth meeting. Then I wanted to meet as soon as possible for either a coffee or drink...short time (there were a few exceptions to this but for the most part). There was no point in wasting hours and hours messaging someone if there was no chemistry or attraction in person. The first meet up is just that. A meetup, not a date. Kinda like a second screening.
Ic1 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 (edited) I'm actually with OP on this one. Asking to meet ASAP within 24 hours of a first message? A bad sign. Not that a week of back and forth messaging is necessary, or even good, just that someone with no patience who wants it to go fast... I wouldn't even mind the topic of meeting to come up that night (after some chatting). It would have to be planned ahead, not necessarily a huge first date. Eg: "Would you be up for a drink after work on Friday?" Edited December 4, 2015 by Ic1 1
d0nnivain Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I wouldn't immediately dismiss a guy who wanted to meet quickly but during the brief time I was on OLD I needed 1-2 e-mails & at least a phone call before a meet. Based on where I live & the distance between me & the men I was talking to, a quick spontaneous last minute meet wasn't really possible. But if I lived in a big city & a guy suggested this as long as I wouldn't have to go more than say 1/2 hour out of my way to make the meet happen, I see nothing terribly wrong with it, depending on the time of day, my other plans & how interested I was. Somebody who suggest this at 5-7 p.m. OK fine. After 9 . . . sounds too much like a booty call. Leaving your house to go meet a potential suitor seems more productive then spending another night in front of the TV or computer
salparadise Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 The first meet up is just that. A meetup, not a date. Kinda like a second screening. Exactly. Obviates the need for less effective methods. Phone interviews... ur ah, no thanks.
oberkeat Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 This is what I've encountered on OLD, I start messaging a guy that I have interest in, he askes me, "what are you doing tonight?" This is like a trap question, if I answer, no plans-he wants to meet up that same night. Instead of "planning" the first meeting, like "when are you free next week? How does next Thursday work?" Do you find this appropriate? I always tell them, I'm busy when the what are you doing right now comes up...because I like things planned out. OP, I've seen your posts on these boards complaining about being single and not having a man. Yet, when a guy requests a date with you, you hesitate or blow him off or overthink things. That makes no sense to me. Don't you see the inherent contradiction there?
truth_seeker Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 This is OLD. The first meeting should be short and public. A couple of drinks, just to confirm that they are who they say they are and look like their pictures and decide if there is enough there at first blush to want to have a real date. So, if you're available and it's convenient, why not just eliminate or confirm it's a good match right away? Instead of going down the whole IM, email, chatting for a while only to find out that you're not that into him after you meet in person. While you're doing all that IMing, chatting, etc., you're kinda building them up in your head and idealizing only to be disappointed later. Yeah, he seems "out of the gate", but just see what he's like in person. Listen to your gut. Don't go home with him or get in his car. Pay for your own drinks and either let him know you'd be interested in seeing him again or tell him you don't think you two are a good match. If he asks you out again great. If he calls at the last minute for the real date though, decline and offer another day and time, etc. In other words, if he thinks that just because you met him on short notice for the first time that you will do that going forward, this is your opportunity to show him what you want. If he "gets" it, then go from there. I gotta tell you, over the years hanging out with different people, doing business with different people, any time a guy was very aggressive in getting things done fast, hounding you for something, just all up in your face about doing this or that, all of them were scumbags out for themselves. OP - be cautious of men who are aggressive and try to persuade you.
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Unless he's asking you to meet up at 2:00 a.m. I don't see the problem either. We've seen thread after thread on here of people asking what the appropriate time is to meet online dates and the answer is often unanimous, the sooner the better. If he's asking you out after 11pm, don't bother because it's probably just a booty call. If you like the guy but are declining because you need everything to be planned out just right, this makes you sound like a control freak and no one enjoys a control freak. If you're declining because you're not all that interested in him to begin with then I'm not sure why you bothered exchanging numbers to begin with. Personally, I think you're overthinking it too much. Dating is supposed to fun, especially the first meet and greet. No strings, no fuss, no problem. Good luck.
smackie9 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 From a woman's perspective, we have to worry about our safety and I wouldn't want to just meet up with a person I hardly had time to talk to. Sure you meet in a public place, BUT usually through some conversations, you can get an idea if they have a s hitty attitude, or are pushy, etc. I find a gentleman would ask a lady if she would be interested in meeting up, and let her pick the time and suggest a place. Call me old sckool but this approach would put a woman more at ease. I think OLD has taken the gentile practices out of dating. It's a hurry up and lets bang, or you are just another option of many, etc. I feel people are taken advantage of.....make me so glad I'm still happily married. 4
losangelena Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 From a woman's perspective, we have to worry about our safety and I wouldn't want to just meet up with a person I hardly had time to talk to. Sure you meet in a public place, BUT usually through some conversations, you can get an idea if they have a s hitty attitude, or are pushy, etc. I find a gentleman would ask a lady if she would be interested in meeting up, and let her pick the time and suggest a place. Call me old sckool but this approach would put a woman more at ease. I think OLD has taken the gentile practices out of dating. It's a hurry up and lets bang, or you are just another option of many, etc. I feel people are taken advantage of.....make me so glad I'm still happily married. Yes, it's very Jewish, isn't it? Sorry, I couldn't resist ... 1
Gaeta Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 You're trying to find problems where there's none. I have had tons of first date that were done on the spur of the moment. Got in touch at 6 am while at home getting ready for work and met at 5pm on that same day after work. I once was sitting home and this man sent me a message saying we're 10 mins apart it's Saturday about we go grab a coffee. An hour later i was sitting in a coffee shop with him and we ended up dating for 1 year. Online is a tool for you to make contact NOT to create a connection. You like his pictures! You like his profile! just go grab a coffee with him, period. 2
Gaeta Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 From a woman's perspective, we have to worry about our safety and I wouldn't want to just meet up with a person I hardly had time to talk to. meh.... If I am not mistaken you are in a relationship therefore not on the dating scene and have not been for a while. That's the kind of things we heard 10 years ago when online dating started being serious. Yes you just meet up with a stranger. You take your own car show up in a public place and have a coffee. Nothing unsafe about this. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 My ideal guy would ask me to meet up in the first 3 messages. Same night is fine if I have no prior plans and am in the right mood. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 To me, it's pretty much the same as if you had been out and about and met him randomly somewhere -- sitting at the bar and he sat next to you and you two struck up a conversation.
hippychick3 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 My ideal guy would ask me to meet up in the first 3 messages. Same night is fine if I have no prior plans and am in the right mood. I agree. I hated the long drawn out emails/texts before the suggestion to meet. It's a waste of time.
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 My ideal guy would ask me to meet up in the first 3 messages. Same night is fine if I have no prior plans and am in the right mood. If we've learned anything about OLD is the PLETHORA of options made available to both men and women. Men in particular, often come down with a bad case of ADD when it comes to shopping for women online which means if you're interested in a guy who shows some interest you need to strike when the iron's hot otherwise he's on to the next pleasing pic. It's not MY ideal way to date but if you're doing the OLD thing, that's how the game is played.
oberkeat Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 If we've learned anything about OLD is the PLETHORA of options made available to both men and women. Men in particular, often come down with a bad case of ADD when it comes to shopping for women online which means if you're interested in a guy who shows some interest you need to strike when the iron's hot otherwise he's on to the next pleasing pic. True for women, but not for men. Finding a decent woman online is like walking through the Sahara desert looking for water. Women online have so many more options than guys, they basically get to take their pick.
Gaeta Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 True for women, but not for men. Finding a decent woman online is like walking through the Sahara desert looking for water. Women online have so many more options than guys, they basically get to take their pick. False. There may be more men online but they are not of any better quality. Out of 100s of messages I get maybe ONE is deserving of my attention and when I met him it's a complete let down for various reasons. Lets not start this debate again. Quantity does not mean quality. 3
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