Do I have a right to be angry?

[laelithia]

I'm doing my best to process my recent "break up" in a healthy way, since my normal go-to is to start immediately dating someone else, but I've decided for multiple reasons that's not a good option right now.

 

Going forward, I'm wondering if I even have a right to be angry with my "ex"? I'm using quotations since we dated for only 3 months and the catalyst for the split was me asking if we were officially together or not. Clearly we were not! Anyway, I'm wondering about the anger part. Did he actually do anything wrong? Or is it my perception and I have to deal with that?

 

Here are the facts:

 

- we were intimate on the first date (a 4 hour one, but still. I was, of course, trying to get over another ex. Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, right? Not haha)

 

- his communication at the beginning (first month or two) was limited to setting up dates. No small talk or asking how I was, my day was going, etc.

 

- regular dates during the week (2-3 times, increased to about 4 near the end) in which we have dinners, see friends, spend the night together, etc.

 

- I met his best friend early on, then other friends, then his mom (who referred to me as a "great friend" to him... Maybe the first real red flag?)

 

- he met my friends, and eventually my family. This is a big deal because my mom is currently fighting for her life with a terminal cancer diagnosis (but is going trough with a stem cell transplant that may save her, but incredibly risky)

 

- 2 weeks after he met my family, we have a drunken version of "the talk" after he refers to me as his "special friend" when a stranger asks if I'm his girlfriend

 

- he proceeds to tell me that because I've pushed this so early, he had to divulge that he's not yet over his ex of 2 years ago but was working through it. However since I had now brought the topic up, he could no longer continue seeing me now that I knew about his ex

 

- he decides he needs time to think about "us". A few days pass and I contact him as I don't even remember the whole conversation as we had been drinking

 

- he shows up at my place with a few of my things, thus leaving there no point to discuss us dating. He had clearly made up his mind

 

- the next day he contacts my little brother to set up a meeting to discuss his career path (he had offered to help when he met my family, and mentioned it at our "break up" talk. I had said it was a bad idea to reach out to him, clearly he had disregarded my thoughts on the subject) and has since not followed up with him, even though he was the one to initiate the help

 

- he contacted me last weekend to come over. I stupidly did after being at a party (too much to drink again...) thinking we could talk about things, we never did

 

- sent me a link on Facebook that he thought "I would be interested in". Has a short conversation with me, but long enough to tell me that he was "sexually harassed" at a party by multiple women who had "grabby hands". When I reply asking if he enjoyed it, he ignores me

 

- he has not contacted me since

 

So, my question is, do I have a right to be angry with him? The main reasons I am is that a) I feel he led me on, b) he met my family knowing full well he wasn't intending for this relationship to become serious and c) after months of seeing and talking to each other regularly, he has completely cut me out of his life. Do I have the right to be angry with him?

Edited December 4, 2015 by laelithia

[almond]

The writing was on the wall from the very start. For the first two months, his contact was limited to setting up dates, where I assume you two were intimate.

 

He seemed to make things quite clear, and as soon as you told him that you had feelings for him, he ended it immediately.

 

He probably should have refused to meet your family, but you really should have "the talk" before introducing any men you're seeing to them.

 

The responsibility to care for yourself is yours, and yours alone.

 

Be smart. If a guy is serious about you, you'll know it. If you're wondering whether they are or not...then they're probably not.

 

 

Sorry to hear about your mother - don't be afraid to seek help if you need it. Therapy may be a good idea at the moment to help you work through all of this.

[brokengirl85]

OP: you have no right to be angry. You've always been a FWB for him, he has no feelings for you, thus he has no problem cutting you out.

 

Next time, please, get to know the guy before sleeping with him, otherwise you'll always be a plan B. Sorry

Edited December 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[laelithia]

The writing was on the wall from the very start. For the first two months, his contact was limited to setting up dates, where I assume you two were intimate.

 

He seemed to make things quite clear, and as soon as you told him that you had feelings for him, he ended it immediately.

 

He probably should have refused to meet your family, but you really should have "the talk" before introducing any men you're seeing to them.

 

The responsibility to care for yourself is yours, and yours alone.

 

Be smart. If a guy is serious about you, you'll know it. If you're wondering whether they are or not...then they're probably not.

 

 

Sorry to hear about your mother - don't be afraid to seek help if you need it. Therapy may be a good idea at the moment to help you work through all of this.

 

Thank you for the wake up call. I think deep down I likely knew he wasn't taking things further, but I wanted so badly to believe he was that I let it cloud my judgement. He actually initiated meeting my family, so I thought he was taking us seriously, however I guess not. I guess it doesn't matter, I have bigger things to focus on. Thanks again for your post!

[laelithia]

This comment of you is really rude. The fact that her mom has terminal cancer doesn't mean she cannot have a life for herself. Be kind, please! Besides, she is not asking your opinion about this, she wants our help figuring out about this guy!

Really, this forum is full of judgemental people sometimes

 

 

OP: you have no right to be angry. You've always been a FWB for him, he has no feelings for you, thus he has no problem cutting you out.

 

Next time, please, get to know the guy before sleeping with him, otherwise you'll always be a plan B. Sorry

 

Thank you for the support! I was not expecting that kind of judgement in a place I sought out for help.

 

I guess sometimes although it can be painful, the truth really can set you free. I kept misunderstanding now someone I cared about and who told me he cared about me "tremendously" could cut me out so easily, but I suppose it really was a FWB scenario dressed up as something more. I will be that much more cautious going forward with the next person I date. Thanks so much for your clearly stated and nonjudgmental opinion!

[new2dating123]

Im no expert but if i were you i would calm down and never include the sad details of your family life that soon . as a guy what i would like from a girl is more of an effort to show me how fun you can be , flirt and have a good time without sex so soon .

[Maggie4]

yes you sort of have a right to be angry with him because he was using you as a distraction to get over his ex, and for companionship. There's so much of that going on. And you also said you have jumped into relationships before just after break up. So you know how that goes.

But the way you did it, in this case, was to take a dating situation and pound it into a relationship by brute force. Maybe you wanted your Mom to see you have found a man, or you are feeling stressed in life and you need someone.

Look at it this way: This is something that wasn't going to last anyway. It just so happens he was the one who called it quits first. It could have been you who wanted to end it. It just doesn't sound like he was the love of your life. More like he was playing a part, then he didn't want to play anymore.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry about your mom. I lost mine a few years back & it really changes your life.

 

 

In the short run enjoy these holidays with her. I suspect that one of the reasons she wants you to "sort out your love life" is that she wants to know you are loved & protected when she's gone. That may not happen the way she envisioned so help her understand that you don't been a BF or H to be complete in your life even in her absence.

 

 

Your anger is an emotion just like happiness or guilt. It's what you feel. Emotions are not right or wrong, they just are. Anger is also one of the stages in the grieving process. It happens to be the one you are on now.

 

 

The end of a relationship is rarely the sole fault of one person. You both moved a little fast. I think from the beginning you wanted this more then he did & as a result you are now disappointed that it didn't work out.

 

 

Your idea to take a break from dating rather than follow your usual pattern of starting another relationship again is a good one. Throughout my life I typically went from one relationship to the next without any significant gaps. It was a pattern that worked for me because by the time I ended a relationship I was emotionally done anyway. Right before I met DH I took about a year off. Part of it was intentional & part was I decided not to settle. I wasn't even going to accept a date unless I wanted it to go somewhere. No more casual for me. It really helped clear my head.

[hippychick3]

I am sorry to hear about your mother, OP.

 

Anger would not serve you any purpose right now. It's disappointing that he didn't want you as his girlfriend but unless he was abusive or treated you badly, there's no reason to be angry. He gave you signals from the beginning that he really wasn't that interested. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself and respectful yourself enough not to "give yourself" to any man too soon who hasn't clearly indicated his interest. Block him from your life and allow yourself to be sad and move on. 3 months is a very short period of time. It won't take too long to get over this. All the best to your mom.

[Gaeta]

In all of this where did you look out for yourself? you let him run the show without ever bringing up what you wanted out of dating.

 

When it crawls like a snake, whistles like a snake, chances are it's a snake.

 

If a man treats you like a FWB chances are you are only that to him.

 

From day 1 you 'assumed' without clarifying with him.

 

To me meeting my family is a big deal so if I invite a man to come to my parents it's because I consider him long term but NOT everyone is like me. I have met men who wanted to come with me to my parents after meeting 2 times only. To them meeting family meant nothing! So once again you assumed...

 

If you need to be mad at someone than you should be mad at yourself.

 

That being said you are young and you have a lot to learn. When I was young I also thought it was other people's fault for hurting me or using me. I have since learn I am 100% responsible for what I let in my life. If I let a man treat me poorly it's on ME. If I don't clarify with him what I am looking for - it's on ME.

[Redhead14]

Her priorities are not lined up properly -- Her mother is going to pass away soon. That's where her focus should be. Not on some guy she's only known for 3 months and stressing over.

[losangelena]

Her priorities are not lined up properly -- Her mother is going to pass away soon. That's where her focus should be. Not on some guy she's only known for 3 months and stressing over.

 

I agree with you Red, but having gone through the pain of losing a parent (my dad), I can tell you that the drama of a relationship can be a kind of perverse distraction.

 

The day my dad died, the actual day, I spent three hours on the phone with the guy I was in a totally eff-ed up, codependent relationship with. Three hours that I could/should have been in my dad's room. Yet, I chose to spend it on the phone. I didn't realize it then, but now I see that the enormous shock/grief of my dad dying was too much to take in the moment and I was using that relationship to not fully confront it.

 

Is it ideal, no of course not but I think it's quite normal.

[VirtualHope]

I know this must be a really difficult time with your mom being so sick as well. And my thoughts and prayers for healing are with you and your family.

 

I totally understand your pain and frustration over the loss of your relationship.

 

Although our circumstances and backgrounds may be different, as women, we have a collective emotional need for romance and courtship. Even our need for security and physical protection by the opposite sex is gender-specific and altogether, this can make us extremely vulnerable to the situation you’ve just described.

 

We’ve all had relationships that at one time or another didn’t work. It seems this relationship may not have been what you were looking for. In most cases, no one person can take all the blame for break-up. Sometimes both people make choices for which they later regret. It’s okay to feel angry for a brief moment over words and actions of other people that hurt us, but the key is to move forward and focus on your unique worth as a person and as a woman. Because I believe in a loving Creator who wants so much more for us than we could ever know or begin to obtain on our own.

 

I desperately hope you will allow yourself time to heal. You definitely deserve it.

[Eighty_nine]

OP: you have no right to be angry. You've always been a FWB for him, he has no feelings for you, thus he has no problem cutting you out.

 

Wrong.

 

You have a right to feel anything you feel and no one can tell you otherwise.

But you also have a right to (and should) learn from this experience, about how you can avoid feelings like this in the future. (Not having sex too early, etc.)

[hippychick3]

I agree with you Red, but having gone through the pain of losing a parent (my dad), I can tell you that the drama of a relationship can be a kind of perverse distraction.

 

The day my dad died, the actual day, I spent three hours on the phone with the guy I was in a totally eff-ed up, codependent relationship with. Three hours that I could/should have been in my dad's room. Yet, I chose to spend it on the phone. I didn't realize it then, but now I see that the enormous shock/grief of my dad dying was too much to take in the moment and I was using that relationship to not fully confront it.

 

Is it ideal, no of course not but I think it's quite normal.

 

Yes. It's not uncommon to desperately hang on to a relationship for distraction and to help one cope with tragedy, no matter how dysfunctional that relationship (or lack of one in this case) is.

[Redhead14]

I agree with you Red, but having gone through the pain of losing a parent (my dad), I can tell you that the drama of a relationship can be a kind of perverse distraction.

 

The day my dad died, the actual day, I spent three hours on the phone with the guy I was in a totally eff-ed up, codependent relationship with. Three hours that I could/should have been in my dad's room. Yet, I chose to spend it on the phone. I didn't realize it then, but now I see that the enormous shock/grief of my dad dying was too much to take in the moment and I was using that relationship to not fully confront it.

 

Is it ideal, no of course not but I think it's quite normal.

 

I get what you're saying, however, a relationship should not be a distraction from a difficult situation, it should be a source of support and solace.

 

And, I love you, LA, but it is not "normal" to lean on a relationship for drama and distraction under any circumstances. That is unhealthy for both parties in that "relationship". Not only that, in this case, there really isn't a relationship and so it's even less healthy.

 

What would be more "normal" actually, is to push that situation away. That can be evidenced on these boards, in fact. There are tons of posts about dating partners who have been pushed away in a time of stress and difficulty.

 

Nevertheless, it is "a way" of dealing with it. It's not a matter of right or wrong, but it's just not the usual response or healthy way.

[kendahke]

 

So, my question is, do I have a right to be angry with him?

 

It's not a question of rights. You either feel what he's done rises to the level of offense or you don't. I think because you're here asking us if you should be angry, it hasn't--your pride is injured.

 

The main reasons I am is that a) I feel he led me on,

 

He didn't, not when your exact words for getting with him was:

"I was, of course, trying to get over another ex. Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else".

 

Joke or not, there's truth in jest. The die was cast when you did that.

 

b) he met my family knowing full well he wasn't intending for this relationship to become serious

 

Nothing outside of a direct conversation about intention, exclusivity and commitment should be construed as a contract to deliver on a future action. Meeting each other's families doesn't mean anything--rather, at the point where you did this (within 3 months of knowing one another and in the absence of the above mentioned conversation about intent, exclusivity and commitment), you both were trying to force the wobbly legs of a new relationship to run a marathon. Babies can't run marathons once they start cruising the furniture. Relationships are the same way.

 

c) after months of seeing and talking to each other regularly, he has completely cut me out of his life. Do I have the right to be angry with him?

 

Again, it's not a question of rights. Feelings "are". You're either angry or you're not, but you do have to own the part you willingly played in this. However, the fastest way for him to get over his ex (and you, too, for that matter) is to go THROUGH the uncomfortable feelings and resolve them once and for all. Using someone else to help you get over an ex never works--those feelings just wait for a lull in the action and they jump back on your head. That's probably what happened with him--he knew being involved with you wasn't helping him get over his ex, so it's just best that he sets you free so he can do handle and clean up his mess.

 

If all you wanted was to scratch and itch, then nothing wrong with doing that if that was your end goal in this interaction. Both he and his mom let you know that you were on the short list.

 

Should he have spoken up sooner about his intentions? Yeah, probably. Most people who are in turmoil don't speak up until they get to the brick wall and realize that big red stain and the pain in their head are related and they need to address their problem.

[losangelena]

I get what you're saying, however, a relationship should not be a distraction from a difficult situation, it should be a source of support and solace.

 

And, I love you, LA, but it is not "normal" to lean on a relationship for drama and distraction under any circumstances. That is unhealthy for both parties in that "relationship". Not only that, in this case, there really isn't a relationship and so it's even less healthy.

 

What would be more "normal" actually, is to push that situation away. That can be evidenced on these boards, in fact. There are tons of posts about dating partners who have been pushed away in a time of stress and difficulty.

 

Nevertheless, it is "a way" of dealing with it. It's not a matter of right or wrong, but it's just not the usual response or healthy way.

 

I don't mean "normal" as in "healthy," I just meant "normal" as in "typical," as in "not outside the realm of human experience."

 

I agree that it's not healthy!

[Redhead14]

I don't mean "normal" as in "healthy," I just meant "normal" as in "typical," as in "not outside the realm of human experience."

 

I agree that it's not healthy!

 

I understand. But it's not common either . . . Hey, you got through it all and more! You're a tough cookie, Cookie!

[mattelipstick]

I understand. But it's not common either . . . Hey, you got through it all and more! You're a tough cookie, Cookie!

 

Sorry, but count me as another who does not find this uncommon. I found myself clinging to several unhealthy relationships in the wake of my father's death. Very easy to pass judgment if you haven't walked in those shoes.

[PogoStick]

You have a right to be as angry as you want to be. That won't change whether you are a couple or not. It's over, and you should make sure it stays that way.

[Empyrea]

Sorry, but count me as another who does not find this uncommon. I found myself clinging to several unhealthy relationships in the wake of my father's death. Very easy to pass judgment if you haven't walked in those shoes.

 

Ditto! I do this too! We pick relationships that somehow fulfill our needs at that time. Maybe a healthy, committed companionship is just not it at present - especially when we're not really loving ourselves very much at the moment, or whatever the reason for not being ready for that. Instead, we might crave distraction (and drama is much better distraction than a normal, healthy relationship) from our everyday stresses, so we subconsciously find ourselves attracted to Mr Unavailable. Welcome to the human psychology.

 

And OP, you always have a right to feel whatever emotions you're feeling. I was in a very similar situation recently, and anger was one of many things I was feeling. I could rationally distinguish that I had no "right" to expect anything more from him and that he didn't particularly "wrong me" just because he wasn't that into me and also wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle things in a perfectly upfront manner as I might have hoped, but ultimately he meant no harm. And yet I am allowed to feel sadness, grief, and anger for all the promises, future plans, and a possible relationship which I had started to build up in my head. He broke my bubble, and I am angry at him for that, and sad for the loss of my bubble, but he didn't share my bubble or truly acknowledge its existence in my mind, so I can't hold him fully responsible. I should not have built it up so early in the first place.

Edited December 4, 2015 by Empyrea