BPD ex just told me she is pregnant (her 2nd child at age 20).

[Justaguy99]

Expa, she was a master manipulator. Although, sometimes I think she wasn't even conscious or aware of her underlying motivators and what she was doing.

 

Mighty, I'm definitely going to seek custody ASAP. I've already spoken to a lawyer, I just need to save the money up to make the initial payment. I'm currently a student and my part time job is barely enough to get by on as it is. But in the near future I plan on fighting for her. She makes it seem like her new boyfriend and her situation is so great, but I see right through it. I just don't get how someone can be so delusional. The guy will end up cheating on her while she is pregnant, and eventually they'll depart. And I can make a fair assumption he won't be around much for the kid. Also, as you mentioned, her parents don't support her whatsoever.

 

BC, you're right. I do just try to keep it about my daughter. I was doing very well for a while, but she seemed to have turned up the heat on the things she was saying and doing to get a reaction out of me. But at this point, she has done and said so much that I'm kind of just numb to anything by now. I'm never surprised at this point

[lollipopspot]

She goes to a small college, and was already on the verge of dropping out and missing all of her classes because she could hardly take care of my daughter but she won't sign custody over to me. She doesn't have a car and claims to never be able to get rides anywhere, so she even has a warrant for a supposed traffic ticket because she couldn't get to court and they wouldn't continue over the phone. She always says she doesn't have money, and is very emotional often...

 

And I'm huge into child development (maybe my favorite area of study). So I was very well aware of how people are molded and how she probably had some deep rooted issues from such a tumultuous upbringing, but I think it made her more alluring to me. She was like a diamond in the rough. I couldn't believe that SHE came from THAT family. I was absolutely astonished. And I was patient when her abandonment issues surfaced because I understood. That made me love her even more to. I could see the pain in her eyes and I could connect with her spiritually it felt like, and it created such a soft spot in my heart for her. I wanted to make her feel so loved and protected. But I never could fulfill her. It ate away at me so much after a while.

 

If you're into child development, you'll know that your daughter's psyche is being wrecked by a very damaged primary caretaker, and you'll do everything you can to minimally get 50/50 custody.

[BC1980]

BC, you're right. I do just try to keep it about my daughter. I was doing very well for a while, but she seemed to have turned up the heat on the things she was saying and doing to get a reaction out of me. But at this point, she has done and said so much that I'm kind of just numb to anything by now. I'm never surprised at this point

 

You have to draw a hard line if she keeps trying to get into personal business with you. Tell her that you would rather just keep it about your daughter and hope she can respect that. Tell her that her personal life is really of no concern to you. If she keeps trying to push your boundaries, hang up the phone. Limit the time you actually talk to her. I hate to say it, but maybe using text is the best way. That way, you can simply ignore her if she is saying anything that has nothing to do with your daughter.

 

I know it's difficult. I work at the same place as my ex, so we have the occasional run in. It was really difficult to assert boundaries at first. He would just keep on trying to talk personal business with me, and I basically walked away and acted like I didn't hear him one day. He never bothered me after that. But it was very hard at first. A part of me felt like I was being really mean to him, but the truth is that this guy had been awful to me. So why was I so concerned about him? You really need a strong resolve to be successful with NC if you must see the person, and it can be difficult in the beginning. But you start to gain momentum with time.

[Justaguy99]

Lollipop, I'm about to have her for about 5 weeks during my Christmas break for school. I have her every weekend, but after I graduate in May, I definitely have her at least 50/50 and most likely more.

 

BC, she definitely tries to make me aware of her personal life often. Even if subtle, but I feel being very tactful on her part. And it's interesting you just mentioned that. I had just told her right before I read your comment that I don't need to know anything about her life, no matter how minor or seemingly insignificant. For instance, earlier she asked if she could keep my daughter until later tonight so they could put up a Christmas tree. And a few days ago I asked if I could talk to my daughter so she could hear me, and she said later on because she was eating at a Mexican restaurant. I told her, though, that I know need to know specific details, unless I specifically ask. All she had to say earlier today was "can I keep her for a few hours longer", or however much longer. Unless I specifically ask WHY you want to keep her longer, it's unnecessary. Or like when she said she was eating at the Mexican restaurant. All she had to do was say they weren't home at the moment, and would call me later to talk to my daughter.

 

Do you think that's going too far though? Because I just seriously don't want to know ANYTHING about what she is doing unless it's absolutely necessary in regards to my daughter. Unless I ask SPECIFICALLY why she wants to keep her longer or why I can't talk to her.

[BC1980]

It may be taking it a little too far not to

ask her to tell you why. You might need know "why" one day. I was thinking more along the lines of no chatting about anything else, like her family, school, ect. Now, if she had started to go on about being at a Mexican restaurant and how much fun they were having, I don't need to hear that.

[Justaguy99]

BC, yea, that's understandable. At this point I just feel like I don't even want to hear even the most minuscule aspect of her life though unless I ask for that information as it relates to my daughter. I wish I didn't even have to see her ever. I just need to find and maintain the right balance I guess.

[AspenBaldwin]

Even if she is insane she is the mother of your child, you'll be seeing a lot of her in the coming years so why not arrange for some sort of truce between you two. For the kid's sake.