Surfergirl87 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I'm going crazy. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'll try to make this short: He came on strong, and we started dating a month after we started texting. He travels a ton for work, and we don't live close, but we make it work and have spent plenty of time together. So we have excellent chemistry, and three months in he says he loves me, cares about me, and says he isn't sleeping with anyone else. He got pretty emotional on a few occasions. Then he started to distance himself. Now before he would text me several times a day, telling me about his day and asking about mine. He went on a business trip and I so I asked him why it was now 4 days in between texts. He said he's super busy and he loves me. OK. Every few days he would check in and say he missed me and such. Then he went home and we got back to normal. Then he went away again and things feel different. His Facebook is full of girls, but he's a well known tattoo artist and has fans. So I brought it up and we got into a huge fight and he ignored me but came back after a week. We chatted a little and he was on my Facebook liking posts. I texted him the next day and I haven't heard anything in over a week. I keep thinking either he's lost interest or he's with someone else. What's weird is he keeps coming back when we've gone says without speaking or have had a fight. I'll ignore him and he will pop up now and again but we've never gone this long without speaking. He's been burned in the past and I'm not sure how to go about this. Should I wait until he's home and talk to him? Should I try to text him again or should I ignore him? It is very possible he's incredibly busy and he has some family issues causing him stress, but sending a text takes all of 2 seconds. It's so hard to have someone treat you so well and shower you with love and then they stop. I've been beside myself because I fell for him very hard. He's always super affectionate when we are together, very sweet and polite. I just don't know what to do.
Author Surfergirl87 Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 He runs hot and cold with me! Lol. I may add he almost always initiates conversations and makes an effort to see me when he's not travelling. Even when he was out of the country he did ask me to join him but I had work obligations. I just don't know why after I Love You he distanced himself. His job is incredibly stressful and busy, but still, I don't think I'm demanding too much.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I wouldn't be able to continue with someone who blows hot and cold like this. Some distance could be expected when he's away on business, but not several days at a time. A full week of silence doesn't support his claims of loving you. Saying "I love you" followed by a week of silence is bullcrap. I would honestly be wondering if he's got someone else with him on these trips or who exactly he is doing business with. I would speak face-to-face when he comes home. Explain how this inconsistency is confusing. Ask him to help you understand what is going on. Define what your boundaries are for yourself. Ask yourself whether his answers and behaviour are within your acceptable boundaries or not. 1
hippychick3 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 He is clearly communicating with you how he feels about you through his "non"actions. There is really nothing to talk to him about. He will tell you what you want to hear to keep you on the hook, but it won't change how he feels. You can't talk someone into loving you. You deserve someone who initiates and maintains consistent contact and doesn't allow you to guess how he feels about you. A man who turns cold at any point is a man who is no longer interested. 3
Redhead14 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 He is clearly communicating with you how he feels about you through his "non"actions. There is really nothing to talk to him about. He will tell you what you want to hear to keep you on the hook, but it won't change how he feels. You can't talk someone into loving you. You deserve someone who initiates and maintains consistent contact and doesn't allow you to guess how he feels about you. A man who turns cold at any point is a man who is no longer interested. A man who turns cold at any point is a man who is no longer interested. -- That is not always the case. Men sometimes get overwhelmed by emotions, especially if they've taken a big step forward, like telling a woman he loves her. They pull away to get a grip on those emotions and to get centered again. When this happens, it's best for the woman to let him take some space. Not a month, but up to maybe a week. If he starts coming on strong again, that's "where" he's been. If he doesn't, then it's about lost interest. If she doesn't give the space and keeps reaching out to him though, it delays or even prevents, him from "recovering". If they do this often or for longer periods of time, however, there's something else going on and it's best for the woman to move on. 2
sportygirl89 Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 This reminds me of my Mr.Big. Remember Mr. Big from sex and the city? Hot and cold.
hippychick3 Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 A man who turns cold at any point is a man who is no longer interested. -- That is not always the case. Men sometimes get overwhelmed by emotions, especially if they've taken a big step forward, like telling a woman he loves her. They pull away to get a grip on those emotions and to get centered again. When this happens, it's best for the woman to let him take some space. Not a month, but up to maybe a week. If he starts coming on strong again, that's "where" he's been. If he doesn't, then it's about lost interest. If she doesn't give the space and keeps reaching out to him though, it delays or even prevents, him from "recovering". If they do this often or for longer periods of time, however, there's something else going on and it's best for the woman to move on. That is caving... And yes, that is normal. I don't define that as going "cold". Not responding to your girlfriend in over a week is beyond caving. That is cold. 3
smackie9 Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 There’s no point in being with someone who blows hot and cold because it’s not a mutual relationship, it’s all on their terms, and you can never really know where you stand because they persist in undermining you and the relationship.This is unhealthy and demeaning. 1
Charlie Harper Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Make a date of expiration, for example, send him on text every 3 to 4 days nothing special and wait, this december is a super month to send greetings and such, if your expiration date is set for example after new year (Jan 4), and things don't go back to a better situation its time to move on. You can be super busy, but this month is filled with holidays ...so he should be able to get back to you...maybe he is married...
Erised Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 Forget hot and cold. Is that the relationship you want to be in? A guy who goes cold is not that interested. He wouldn't risk losing you even with stuff going on if he was.... especially when it is still so relatively early. I'd give him space and consider making that space permanent unless he comes with something impressive and one amazing explanation. I wouldn't hold your breath. A text does take two seconds,even if it's just, "I'm so stressed, I miss you, sorry I'm not much on the chatting this week." 1
Author Surfergirl87 Posted December 5, 2015 Author Posted December 5, 2015 He's not married-he's a bit well known and I would have found out by now. I've met some of his family and friends as well. Other girls? Very possible, but he's denied it when I've hinted. I think it's obvious now. Call me crazy, but when you've been dating 6 months and have said I love you and spent a lot of time together, when a girl texts something sweet it shouldn't go ignored. I'm done. I've erased his number and if he comes back I'll ignore him. It's just made me think that I did something wrong or I'm not good enough or pretty enough. Before him I was pretty confident and happy. I thought he was the icing on the cake, then I fell in love and it all went to hell. The funny thing is when we are together he's totally normal, not shady, not hiding his phone and 100% present with me. I just feel like I did something wrong and I always respected his space and was supportive when he would talk to me.
Author Surfergirl87 Posted December 5, 2015 Author Posted December 5, 2015 This reminds me of my Mr.Big. Remember Mr. Big from sex and the city? Hot and cold. What's funny is that he's a lot like mr big- handsome, older, well off, charming but I've seen his vulnerable side many times and comforted him. I should go watch that season of sex and the city again and see how similar my situation is. He's done little disappearing acts before but never for a week. He always would come back (this is while he was away) and say he missed me. This sucks. I'm really heartbroken. I've never felt this way about someone before.
Author Surfergirl87 Posted December 5, 2015 Author Posted December 5, 2015 A man who turns cold at any point is a man who is no longer interested. -- That is not always the case. Men sometimes get overwhelmed by emotions, especially if they've taken a big step forward, like telling a woman he loves her. They pull away to get a grip on those emotions and to get centered again. When this happens, it's best for the woman to let him take some space. Not a month, but up to maybe a week. If he starts coming on strong again, that's "where" he's been. If he doesn't, then it's about lost interest. If she doesn't give the space and keeps reaching out to him though, it delays or even prevents, him from "recovering". If they do this often or for longer periods of time, however, there's something else going on and it's best for the woman to move on. The only reason I put up with this in the first place is because I knew he was scared of how he felt, since he's had bad relationships in the past and tends to bottle up his feelings because he's away so much. I do think he loved me at one point but I'm not really sure what the hell happened. I would rather he had been straight with me and break it off rather than just fade out. He's too old for that ****.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 He's not married-he's a bit well known and I would have found out by now. I've met some of his family and friends as well. Other girls? Very possible, but he's denied it when I've hinted. I think it's obvious now. Call me crazy, but when you've been dating 6 months and have said I love you and spent a lot of time together, when a girl texts something sweet it shouldn't go ignored. I'm done. I've erased his number and if he comes back I'll ignore him. It's just made me think that I did something wrong or I'm not good enough or pretty enough. Before him I was pretty confident and happy. I thought he was the icing on the cake, then I fell in love and it all went to hell. The funny thing is when we are together he's totally normal, not shady, not hiding his phone and 100% present with me. I just feel like I did something wrong and I always respected his space and was supportive when he would talk to me. I think you're doing the right thing by calling it off. He's showing you he can't offer you the type of relationship or presence you're seeking. It's too distressing and prevents the relationship from ever really progressing.
Author Surfergirl87 Posted December 5, 2015 Author Posted December 5, 2015 I think you're doing the right thing by calling it off. He's showing you he can't offer you the type of relationship or presence you're seeking. It's too distressing and prevents the relationship from ever really progressing. I'm just really upset because we got very close until he started pulling away. The sad part is I heard girls are talking and he's been screwing around. We never had the talk, but we did both say to each other we weren't sleeping with other people.
Author Surfergirl87 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Posted December 23, 2015 Update. It's bad. So after not hearing from him while he was traveling, he texted me saying he was home. We spoke for a while and he asked me to see him. I went on his newly private Instagram. He claimed it was because things got freaky and he was being cautious. It led me to a girl who is barely legal and young enough to be his daughter. Photos of them in his hotel and him commenting. Turns out he tweeted one of the photos. A week ago. Mr "I don't fall in love" I confronted him and he called me crazy. He started calling but I blocked him. Why don't he end things with me when we fought weeks earlier? Why didn't he stop contacting me?!
Buddhist Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I'm going crazy. I can't eat, I can't sleep. And that is your cue to get out of that relationship and go work on yourself. It's not all him here, if you're being emotionally jerked around by a little distance there's something going on with you that needs to be addressed as well. Yes the hot/cold routine is a game some men play in order to keep women they aren't emotionally invested in tied to them. But it's only your insecurities which allows that game to play out. If you didn't have them, you would cut him loose and find someone else.
Buddhist Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Update. It's bad. Why don't he end things with me when we fought weeks earlier? Why didn't he stop contacting me?! Because he wants you as a second option for when the first one doesn't pan out. It's up to you to take responsibility for your own life and look after your best interests. No-one else will ever do that. Learn this lesson now.
Redhead14 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 He runs hot and cold with me! Lol. I may add he almost always initiates conversations and makes an effort to see me when he's not travelling. Even when he was out of the country he did ask me to join him but I had work obligations. I just don't know why after I Love You he distanced himself. His job is incredibly stressful and busy, but still, I don't think I'm demanding too much. This happens very often with emotionally, let's say reserved men, that is a big step and they will pull away a little sometimes after saying it the first time in order to get his feelings in check. If he was being sincere and is genuinely in love with you, he will come back and probably a little stronger. Don't chase him. Give him some space. Let him reach out to you first if he is going to. He may not because it's just too overwhelming for him or he "just said it", but if you chase him or try to pull him back, he will pull away harder. Sit back and relax. Wait this out. If he doesn't come back, so be it. But ride it out. Chasing him will put too much pressure and especially if he really is stressed and busy. If he was just telling you that he was stressed and busy, he won't be back. Then you'll know.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 This happens very often with emotionally, let's say reserved men, that is a big step and they will pull away a little sometimes after saying it the first time in order to get his feelings in check. If he was being sincere and is genuinely in love with you, he will come back and probably a little stronger. Don't chase him. Give him some space. Let him reach out to you first if he is going to. He may not because it's just too overwhelming for him or he "just said it", but if you chase him or try to pull him back, he will pull away harder. Sit back and relax. Wait this out. If he doesn't come back, so be it. But ride it out. Chasing him will put too much pressure and especially if he really is stressed and busy. If he was just telling you that he was stressed and busy, he won't be back. Then you'll know. Check out OP's update a few posts up. He was with another girl. OP, he didn't end things with you earlier because why would he? He wanted to have a few options. Unfortunately, he tried to make you one of them. Good for you for blocking him. Keep it that way.
Redhead14 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 That is caving... And yes, that is normal. I don't define that as going "cold". Not responding to your girlfriend in over a week is beyond caving. That is cold. Caving can and does last longer than a week sometimes depending on the circumstances. But usually it lasts longer because the woman chases him into the cave which, in essence, extends the period of caving. If she left him be, he likely would have come out sooner. But, there's no way to know for sure what would have happened if she didn't chase him. So, really, it best not to chase him and sit back and see what happens. It is ok for her to reach out to him in a light supportive way during this time but not push or try to discuss the relationship or whatever issue there is for the guy. When/if he is ready to really discuss things, he will do that. If he keeps going, she should let it go. It's very difficult, but in the end, it's best for her to let him go. She could possibly pull him back because he had a moment of weakness, but she will go through this a number of times until he just plain disappears.
hippychick3 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Caving can and does last longer than a week sometimes depending on the circumstances. But usually it lasts longer because the woman chases him into the cave which, in essence, extends the period of caving. If she left him be, he likely would have come out sooner. But, there's no way to know for sure what would have happened if she didn't chase him. So, really, it best not to chase him and sit back and see what happens. It is ok for her to reach out to him in a light supportive way during this time but not push or try to discuss the relationship or whatever issue there is for the guy. When/if he is ready to really discuss things, he will do that. If he keeps going, she should let it go. It's very difficult, but in the end, it's best for her to let him go. She could possibly pull him back because he had a moment of weakness, but she will go through this a number of times until he just plain disappears. Again, this was not a situation in which the man was caving. He was cold. There is no justification for this man's behavior.
dobielover Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Busy men I've dated who've managed to text me daily: A surgeon, literally between transplants. "Successful surgery, exhausted. 8 hours to prep until the next one. Time for a nap. Hope your day is going well, sweetheart." A SWAT officer, in between a hostage thing and executing a search warrant. "Fun day! But looking forward to cracking open a beer with you later!" A trial attorney, half-way through a 6 week long trial. "This is never gonna end. Ugh. Miss you!" An airline pilot on a schedule that had him away for 4 weeks doing cross-Atlantic to the Middle East flights and all over Europe and enjoying every minute of it. Sent me pics daily of his food, his drinks, sights he was seeing, with notes, "This would be so much better if you were here," and the like. Never missed a day, even in their busiest times, to keep in touch, even if just a short note at the beginning or end of the day. And that was from the very beginning of dating. Months in, a break in that pattern would be unacceptable. Days? Never ever. A week? Oh hell no. That would not be okay with me. What this guy is doing is complete crap. 1
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