K2z Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 No need to make this about me in particular. But when it ends, sometimes it's your fault. You cheated: that's kind of obvious. But less obvious is when you took for granted, were oblivious, missed the signs. When it's your fault, how do you forgive yourself? 1
DrReplyInRhymes Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 No need to make this about me in particular. But when it ends, sometimes it's your fault. You cheated: that's kind of obvious. But less obvious is when you took for granted, were oblivious, missed the signs. When it's your fault, how do you forgive yourself? By allowing yourself to understand the mistake that you made, and to never repeat it again, to stay well-behaved. 5
Nickr3023 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I'll admit when I was 18 and had my first real girlfriend, after about 4 or 5 months, I didn't want to be with her anymore. Because of my immaturity and lack of experience with relationships I didn't know how to get out.....so I cheated. I will always remember the look on her face when I told her, and in the 15 years since then, I've had a 3 year relationship, a 9 year relationship, and another 1 year relationship.......and not one time has the thought ever crossed my mind to cheat again. I vowed that I would never make someone feel that way ever again. And as karma, my last 2 relationships ended because I was cheated on.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 By learning from it and not making the same mistake twice. Breakups can be an invaluable tool for self-discovery and growth if you allow them to be.
JTwelve Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I'm in the same boat, and I feel like a troll. I feel horrible. I wasted her time and took her for granted. I'd do anything to fix it now though, but I'm pretty sure she'll never let me.
20legend Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 took for granted, were oblivious, missed the signs. When it's your fault, how do you forgive yourself? I am searching for the answer myself. I am 4 days post BU of a 10yr relationship (my first long term relationship at that) feeling pretty destroyed at the moment, and I believe that I am guilty of the above, and the more that realisation starts to sink in, the more I am starting to really beat myself up over my conduct (never, ever unfaithful though) The fact that it took her to have the balls to end it, and that ultimately it didn't have to come to this, is making it so much harder to accept that basically - I fluffed it, big time, and have now lost her after so many happy years together.
Author K2z Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 I am 4 days post BU of a 10yr relationship 4 days? I would tend to label that "Hail Mary" territory, but I don't know the specifics of your situation. Meaning maybe there's a way you can demonstrate a willingness to clean up your act, pay more attention. 10 years ought to give you some leverage in asking for that... but again, I don't know. Mine got married within seven months of walking out my door.
Author K2z Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 I'm in the same boat, and I feel like a troll. I feel horrible. I wasted her time and took her for granted. I'd do anything to fix it now though, but I'm pretty sure she'll never let me. It's the guilt. And the looking back at yourself, and the lax, "whatever" attitude you see yourself demonstrating towards her, that is torture. Not realizing what a treasure you had, not tending a very fragile plant. Not having a sense of urgency about her concerns, and the warning signs. I want to just go back and slap some sense into my past self. And seeing some random guy standing next to her at her wedding. As if I've slipped into a parallel universe. That should be ME standing there.
20legend Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 She said that she had been unhappy for a while, I realise now that I was too dumb/naive to see until it had actually got to a point where she had reached her limit. She is pretty adamant that it's over and has moved out, I am willing to do anything to sort this out and give her the happiness that she deserves (and have told her so in no uncertain terms) but she is insistent that it's how it has to be and that our future together is non-existent. I have no other real relationship experience to draw upon and am in the wilderness as to how I could make a difference to her stance without now being able to have the opportunity to prove to her that I have had the wake-up call, seen my own short comings, and would from this day forward be the partner that I should have been all along. So as it stands, I only have myself to blame.
Author K2z Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 Write her a letter. Not on a word processor -- in pen and ink, in your best high school penmanship. Bleed on that page and make every word count. (Of course you can draft it on a computer, but copy it out.) That way she'll have words she can read over and over, and not dismiss so easily. More importantly, when she reads (and hopefully re-reads) the letter, she'll hear its contents in her own internal voice, not yours. 1
darkbloom Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 You should apologize. Like genuinely without an expectation of anything from her. Also, more goes into an apology than just "I'm sorry." Google how to deliver a true apology. And then you should treat everyone with a little extra kindness and vow to never hurt anyone like that again. You've got to send out a lot of positive energy in the world to balance out all the negative. 1
mightycpa Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I'll point out the obvious: lots of relationships survive neglect, being strung along and even cheating. If yours didn't, then it's not your fault that (s)he couldn't hang in there. What it means is that you didn't have what you thought you had, and that means it probably wasn't going to last anyway. Therefore, your transgressions are not that big a deal in the big picture. There was going to be some catalyst eventually. Maybe a new person, a tragedy, a death or just time. Something would have split you up, so, it might as well have been you. I think you also have to ask yourself if the shoe were on the other foot, would you have bailed, or could you forgive them? Either way, it should become obvious you're not suitable for each other. 4
NVO Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I'll point out the obvious: lots of relationships survive neglect, being strung along and even cheating. If yours didn't, then it's not your fault that (s)he couldn't hang in there. What it means is that you didn't have what you thought you had, and that means it probably wasn't going to last anyway. Therefore, your transgressions are not that big a deal in the big picture. There was going to be some catalyst eventually. Maybe a new person, a tragedy, a death or just time. Something would have split you up, so, it might as well have been you. This is word guys. I've been where you are now and believe me: stop beating yourself up because you've done nothing wrong. Sometimes you are just being you and I believe that if you did not do things with cruel intentions, and on purpose, you don't have to worry about this. Learn from what you see as your mistakes and apply them next time. Picture this: you're next girl / boy will be blown away by your capacities as a boy / girl friend because you were allowed to make these mistakes right now. If someone bails on you when you two hit the first rough ride of your relationship, it just wasn't meant to be. Or do you think people who are together for 60 years have happy days all along?
Author K2z Posted December 5, 2015 Author Posted December 5, 2015 Sometimes you are just being you and I believe that if you did not do things with cruel intentions, and on purpose, you don't have to worry about this. Yeah. Good wisdom, but two sided. Maybe I was not cruel- but I was negligent, I was arrogant. I remember I was engrossed in a PSP video game at one point when she was trying to talk to me about getting married and making long term plans... the most douchebaggey thing possible. So I am haunted. I took for granted. I relaxed, when I should have striven. Now there is no opportunity to strive, and I still cannot relax.
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