Author notmakingsense Posted May 31, 2005 Author Posted May 31, 2005 You aren't being harsh. Just telling the facts. Pretty bad, huh? You are right -- not much is different, but we are closer friends, I am going to start to date others, and she's being more honest about what the heck she is up to. I'm going to see if I can stuff my emotions about her into some closet and try to get on with my life. I'm hoping that I can stick it out to see if she finds someone better, but in the mean-time, I'm going to get busy with life. Mz Pixie -- you know my history. Do you think I can pull this off without going no-contact?
incubus075 Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 I feel your pain man. I know you want to run after her and make sure she knows how you feel, BUT you do need to back off a little and (I hate this part) actually play a little bit of "the game" with her. Youve got to mix in a little nice with being a bit of a dick. Its sad but the whole nice guy thing doesnt work all that well. Believe me, Ive lived it. And being super available for her (ie desperate to have her back) isnt that desirable. I know its hard but keep it low key. You can slip in some I miss yous here and there and some other small stuff but then pull back some and see if she follows the bait. I dont know how its gonna turn out but I wish you luck. I working through something very similar. It does get a little bit easier with time but it still sux.
Author notmakingsense Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 Thanks Incubus -- That's the key, isn't it? You gotta be a little bit of a dick. I started another thread about this in the dating section. She's actually told me that she likes more of a challenge -- spelled it out for me in plain english! If that's not a hint, I don't know what is.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 I certainly hope so but based on your history I'd say no. Honey, you're what they call P whipped with a capital P. I still love ya though!
Merin Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense You aren't being harsh. Just telling the facts. Pretty bad, huh? You are right -- not much is different, but we are closer friends, I am going to start to date others, and she's being more honest about what the heck she is up to. I'm going to see if I can stuff my emotions about her into some closet and try to get on with my life. I'm hoping that I can stick it out to see if she finds someone better, but in the mean-time, I'm going to get busy with life. Mz Pixie -- you know my history. Do you think I can pull this off without going no-contact? NMS... I know you don't want to be anyones second choice... don't be!
ConfusedInOC Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Thanks Incubus -- That's the key, isn't it? You gotta be a little bit of a dick. I started another thread about this in the dating section. She's actually told me that she likes more of a challenge -- spelled it out for me in plain english! If that's not a hint, I don't know what is. No, you don't have to be a d*ck. That won't work either. Playing hard to get is really not "playing" at all. It means you have goals, hobbies and friends that take up your time. There's no trickery involved. Women want men who have goals, friends and basically a LIFE of their own. There's nothing women dislike more than a needy, clingy man (trust me, I know!). If you have goals, things you want to do in life, lots of hobbies and friends to share them with, you'll naturally start becoming more attractive to females. Alpha had some good pointers on how to treat women. Most of his points were accurate. It just didn't specify how to go about doing it and my message above is the most logical way.
Author notmakingsense Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 Thanks everyone.... By saying I need to be "a dick" -- what I'm really saying is that woman (like my ex) like it when a guy is a bit of a sassy hard-ass (in a funny kind of way). That, in combination with having a significant life outside the relationship is a winning combination for a woman like her. In my case, I have some serious issues -- and I am the first to recognize that I don't have enough of a life outside my relationships. What I plan on doing while working on that, is to "fake it until I make it." I don't want to be anyone's second choice... I guess that if she ever comes around, I'll have to make a judgement call as to whether or not I'm really a second choice, or if she simply knows more about herself and I have become her first choice. Also -- just to be clear -- I am going into "low contact" mode (as CIOC puts it). I'm not going to be trying very hard to spend time with her, and (this is tougher), I will try to not be as available if she reaches out. In fact, I think that for a guy like me, I'd do better to simply always make her be the one to initiate any kind of contact. At this point, she knows I'm completely in to her -- I don't think she'll get the impression that I'm less interested any time soon.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense By saying I need to be "a dick" -- what I'm really saying is that woman (like my ex) like it when a guy is a bit of a sassy hard-ass (in a funny kind of way). That, in combination with having a significant life outside the relationship is a winning combination for a woman like her. Having a significant life outside of her is the key. Everything else will fall into place from there. In my case, I have some serious issues -- and I am the first to recognize that I don't have enough of a life outside my relationships. What I plan on doing while working on that, is to "fake it until I make it." That's half the battle right there. Congrats. I suspect you have the same problems I did. I know I've been saying this a lot but buy the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert A Glover. It will definitely open your eyes to what you did wrong in the relationship and show you how to make sure your needs are met first. If they aren't, there is no way you can be confident, self-assured and the kind of guy women are attracted to. I don't want to be anyone's second choice... I guess that if she ever comes around, I'll have to make a judgement call as to whether or not I'm really a second choice, or if she simply knows more about herself and I have become her first choice. Definitely don't settle for being second best in anyone else's life. Also -- just to be clear -- I am going into "low contact" mode (as CIOC puts it). I'm not going to be trying very hard to spend time with her, and (this is tougher), I will try to not be as available if she reaches out. In fact, I think that for a guy like me, I'd do better to simply always make her be the one to initiate any kind of contact. At this point, she knows I'm completely in to her -- I don't think she'll get the impression that I'm less interested any time soon. Make sure when she reaches out to you that you get back to her in some fashion. Don't do it right away, don't always be available (and you won't be when you have a life and hobbies outside your Ex.) She shouldn't know that you are completely in to her. That'll keep her away from you. She has to know you are busy, have a life, have goals, have friends and are having a good time. That in and of itself will make you more attractive to her. Low Contact mode is good for what you are doing. No Contact should be used only if you want to make a clean break and be done with her.
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