notmakingsense Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 I have been absolutely miserable for the last few days. 4 nights ago I told her I couldn't see her any longer because she said she wanted to meet other people. She cried, we hugged, we ended it. I've been with her (in and off-again-on-again) relationship for 1.5 years. I think she's the one for me, so I have been down in the dumps. So -- last night, she calls me. I was practically speechless -- so can think of nothing else to talk about other then surface chit-chat. We ended the conversation by her saying "Anyway, I just wanted to say Hi", and me saying, "Thanks for calling. I've been thinking about you a lot, and it is good to hear your voice." Then -- about 10 minutes later, she phones me again -- and it rings twice and stops before I could answer it again. I decided not to call her back. Damn -- this really sucks. I guess that this means that she's conflicted and wants to keep in touch -- or, she is simply checking up on me on a Saturday (date) night to make sure I haven't moved on yet? So... should I use this opportunity to go back after her? Should I continue to keep my distance? I don't really want to have a "don't call me unless you have changed your mind" kind of talk.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense So -- last night, she calls me. I was practically speechless -- so can think of nothing else to talk about other then surface chit-chat. We ended the conversation by her saying "Anyway, I just wanted to say Hi", and me saying, "Thanks for calling. I've been thinking about you a lot, and it is good to hear your voice." My advice is not to tell her you miss her. Show her you are strong and are getting along fine without her. Don't pick up all her calls either. And when you do talk, act like you're busy and have things to do. Then -- about 10 minutes later, she phones me again -- and it rings twice and stops before I could answer it again. I decided not to call her back. GOOD! Damn -- this really sucks. I guess that this means that she's conflicted and wants to keep in touch -- or, she is simply checking up on me on a Saturday (date) night to make sure I haven't moved on yet? She's making sure you're still on her string and you basically let her know as much. So... should I use this opportunity to go back after her? Should I continue to keep my distance? I don't really want to have a "don't call me unless you have changed your mind" kind of talk. Here's the issue I see. If you rush right back to her, what have either of your learned? What has changed? The problem with reconciling relationships and why they fail is nothing is resolved after a breakup. The LAST thing you want to do is rush right back to where you left off because I guarantee you the only result will be another breakup. Universe has a great post on getting back with your ex. It takes time. It's not something that should be rushed into. It should be slow and calculated in the sense that you want to make sure that you're getting back together for all the right reasons. Also, people take time to change. What was the reason for the breakup? You need to solve the underlying issues that caused the breakup. Once you do that, you can enter back into the relationship as friends, albeit slowly. Get to know each other again. You'll be able to show her that you have changed (if you needed to) or she can do the same. If you do that, the chances for success go up dramatically.
Author notmakingsense Posted May 29, 2005 Author Posted May 29, 2005 Thanks CIOC She's making sure you're still on her string and you basically let her know as much. Why does everyone on LS assume that this is the case? Can't she simply be conflicted about her decision to let me go? In this situation, I'm the one that said I couldn't continue to see her because she wasn't ready to commit to me. What if she's internally confused and reaching out? Couldn't I be blowing it by not capitalizing on that situation? In other words, she's the one breaking the NC -- not me. Shouldn't I be receptive? I understand your point about the underlying issues not being solved -- so I guess we would need to work that out -- but I also don't want her to get the impression that I'm not a willing partner in that idea. Know what I mean?
suegail Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 It could be a little of both: she's not completely sure she wants to let you go and if that will be the right thing to do and she wanted to check on what the status is with you, see if you were out and about. She may wish you weren't offering her only one option. On one hand I can see why it would be hard for you to see her and have her interested in seeing others, but on the other hand, when you're both as young as I'm assuming you are (and I could be wrong) I guess I don't see the harm in allowing someone you do care for to have freedom to date others. If you care for her this much, why break all ties? Why not let her see you and make those times with her as good as possible, and let her make the comparison? just my thoughts - - good luck
scarlyjones Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Thanks CIOC 1.Why does everyone on LS assume that this is the case? 2. I couldn't continue to see her because she wasn't ready to commit to me. Answers: 1. Because its true. Thats why they ALWAYS call.... If we ALL on LS think that,.....dont you think that theres a good chance its true? 2. You essentially didnt dump HER. You JUST said she wasnt ready to commit to you. That means she dumped you (so to speak). Now she calls you a few days later (I mean seriously,.....what heart mending could really have been done in four lousy days?) She knew you would still be missing her. She wanted to hear you say that. We women do that. Call us attention whores. Whatever. We need that attention. Especially after we break up.
BrotherAaron Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 You're doing fine. If she says she wants to see other people, then you have no reason to be hanging around in the background trying to do little tricks to impress her and hope she notices. She sounds confused, and you did a good thing by removing yourself from that confusion. If she is calling you because she is internally conflicted, you can rest assured that she will continue to be internally conflicted for a while. You need to let her figure her **** out without you. Love doesn't fade overnight, and ignoring a few phone calls won't hurt. If she wants you back, she needs to let you know that she can commit to you - and only you. You don't have to bring other people into your relationship.
johan Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 My advice is not to tell her you miss her. Show her you are strong and are getting along fine without her. Don't pick up all her calls either. And when you do talk, act like you're busy and have things to do. I think this is bad advice. I think it's better to never "act" any way or try to "show" her things. Don't alter your behavior in any way for her. You aren't losing anything at all by telling her you miss her. If it's true, then she should know, and you have to know that whatever decision she makes in the end, she made with full information about your feelings. She should know you love her and miss her, if it's true. She's making sure you're still on her string and you basically let her know as much. I doubt that's why she called. And you said the right thing. I wouldn't conclude anything about the reason she called except that she wanted to talk to you. If she had something important to say, she would have said it. If you figure out she's stringing you along, then tell her not to call anymore. Don't pretend. There's a big difference between showing her you are strong and just putting on an act.
whichwayisup Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 She is calling you to see how you are or just to hear your voice, it's because she MISSES you. It doesn't mean she's playing a game! She's attached to you anyway, and it's hard no matter who breaks up with who, especially under your circumstances (didn't end badly) so I'm sure her calling is just partially out of habit and also because she DOES genuinally care about you. Is there a chance she will come back to you? I mean, is this a perminate breakup? And if she did ask you back, would you?
Author notmakingsense Posted May 30, 2005 Author Posted May 30, 2005 Thanks everyone. At least I know that there is more than one viewpoint on this. I would take her back if she asked me -- and if I knew she wasn't just stringing me along. That's because I love her dearly -- and I know she is attached to me. Anyway, I was out all day long at a blues concert and drunk-dialed her. She tried to call me back, but I didn't hear and she didn't leave a message. I'm going to try to get her to see me -- call me reckless -- I guess I am, but I have to keep trying as long as I think there is a chance. Of course, I won't hound her -- but I will make it obvious that I want her. I'm not quite ready to give in yet
scarlyjones Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 Just dont go to the point of embarrassing yourself. Dont be spineless. You deserve better than that !!
Author notmakingsense Posted May 30, 2005 Author Posted May 30, 2005 Thanks Scarly -- I'll try to keep some amount of decorum about me. For all I know, she's out with someone else -- in which case, I'll just tell her to have a good time -- then, back to NC.
scarlyjones Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 I broke up with my BF about 4 months ago.............I know its hard. I cried,....cried,....and then I believe thats exactly when I cried some more. But you will OK. If you really TRUELY think theres a chance,............then I say GOOD LUCK to you!!! But be sure that there IS a chance and its not just you acting on HOPE. Or that you just cant envision a life without her. Because if you need to let her go,....life WILL go on.
Author notmakingsense Posted May 30, 2005 Author Posted May 30, 2005 I don't get that. I mean -- I truly think there is a chance -- but -- it is me acting on hope also. I can only assume that, since she knows what my feelings are, she wouldn't have called me unless she is trying to figure out whether or not there is a chance as well. So.... how do I know when to let her go? I'm figuring that it will be when she (and I) stop callling each-other -- or, either one of us has found someone new. Yes, I know life will go on. But -- I just can't shake the fact that I think she's the one for me -- and I have to fight for that as long as I think that fighting for it will result in something.
scarlyjones Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH,...yes, but,..if shes the ONE for you............then you really dont HAVE to chase her, eh? HUh? God will provide. I know that THAT doesnt mean you can just sit on your azz in your house playing x-box and the ONE will find YOU, but, if she is the right one for you,....then I believe things will eventually work themselves out. She may well have needed time to clear her head and shes now thinking with that clear head and thats why shes calling you now. My point is,....to answer you question,....the time to stop chasing her is when she starts dating others. That means she is physically trying to put you in her past. It may not work but you need to respect that if she does.
Author notmakingsense Posted May 30, 2005 Author Posted May 30, 2005 Ok then -- I think we are both saying the same thing. Things will work out if she's the right one -- but I'll stop trying when it becomes obvious that she has moved on. As long as she calls me -- I'll assume that she hasn't moved on yet. Anyway -- I'm very vulnerable right now -- after an afternoon of drinking. I'm not stupid-drunk, but I also don't have any willpower. I just want to see her.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 Originally posted by johan I think this is bad advice. I think it's better to never "act" any way or try to "show" her things. Don't alter your behavior in any way for her. You aren't losing anything at all by telling her you miss her. If it's true, then she should know, and you have to know that whatever decision she makes in the end, she made with full information about your feelings. She should know you love her and miss her, if it's true. If she is stringing him along, then by telling her he misses her he is only leaving the door open for her to come back anytime she wants. I should have stated it better. He shouldn't allow her to string him along. However he manages to do that. I doubt that's why she called. And you said the right thing. I wouldn't conclude anything about the reason she called except that she wanted to talk to you. If she had something important to say, she would have said it. If you figure out she's stringing you along, then tell her not to call anymore. Don't pretend. There's a big difference between showing her you are strong and just putting on an act. Agreed.
scarlyjones Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 Well then maybe you shouldnt be getting all drunk at this point. Maybe you hold off on that til you feel you're over her more or until you know what the heck it is she wants right now. Booze just makes you feel worse about lost loves anyway. I bet 95% of people who think they're using booze to take their minds off of their lost loves,...end up drunk-dialing that night and making an embarrassing ass out of themselves
Author notmakingsense Posted May 30, 2005 Author Posted May 30, 2005 Yes -- you are right! Definitely causes one to make some decisions they may otherwise be more reserved about! Here is an update. I finally got a hold of her last night. She told me that when she called me the night before, she was really missing me -- and she wanted me to come over! She said that if I had called her back again, or IMd her, or something, that she would have likely done so (invite me over). She said "it must not have been meant to be". Like somehow, now it is my fault for not pursuing her further.... She acted pretty nonchalant about the whole thing -- and now, I'm feeling a little pissed about it all.
suegail Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 Here comes the game - - and 'thank you for playing.' No, don't even go there. Just be nonchalant right back at her. Remember that she was the one who picked up the phone and called. She'll call again.
Mz. Pixie Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 Gosh- NMS! You were doing so well................ She needed a ego fix- who knows whats going on behind the scenes- her other bf may have been busy or whatever- yada yada. So, who does she call to get that ego fix. I'm with whoever said not to answer all of her calls- be BUSY!
ConfusedInOC Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Yes -- you are right! Definitely causes one to make some decisions they may otherwise be more reserved about! Here is an update. I finally got a hold of her last night. She told me that when she called me the night before, she was really missing me -- and she wanted me to come over! She said that if I had called her back again, or IMd her, or something, that she would have likely done so (invite me over). She said "it must not have been meant to be". Like somehow, now it is my fault for not pursuing her further.... She acted pretty nonchalant about the whole thing -- and now, I'm feeling a little pissed about it all. Dude, I am sorry to hear this. This is why LC (low contact) is better for people who want their ex's back than NC. Whatever you do, don't beg or plead with her. I think she's playing head games with you to some extent. You need to remain confident and self-assured. You can bend a little, but don't break. You're actually showing her you've changed and you're not dependent on her. That's a good thing. Give it some time and see what happens.
prissymissy Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 She is playing games, that is what we women do the best...we want what we can not have, now that you are not talking to her, she is concerned and wants to know whats up. Ignore her, move on put a block on her telephone number, SHE WILL LOVE THAT!!! Good Luck, you seem like a great guy!
Author notmakingsense Posted May 31, 2005 Author Posted May 31, 2005 Ugh. Here is an update everyone. She called me yesterday and we got together for dinner. We talked a lot, kissed alot, but didn't have sex. Although the passion was there, ahd we both wanted it, she says that she has to keep herself removed from that. It was spoken about in a very round about way, but basically, she is committed to seeing others while she still wants to see me. There is no hidden agenda. She is quite clear that she feels that I may be the one, but she isn't finished with the dating part of her life, and so she needs to maintain a little distance in order to allow that to happen. In the week previous, I had put up an on-line dating profile. She is extremely interested in how I'm spending my time without her, and somehow this came up. When we were together, tears appeared in her eyes -- and when we talk about it now, she speaks of it as something that is "fair for me to do" (while she is out dating). In yet another conversation today -- we flipp-flopped between being serious and not -- she got a flash of 'tit-for-tat' and has posted her profile as well. Still talking further -- she spoke of this somehow being good -- because she does need a challenge. So again, no hidden agenda. She is actually echoing everything you women are telling me on here! We are undenyingly great together -- but I guess she needs to convince herself some more. The biggest question for me now is whether or not I have the stomach to keep up with our relationship. She claims that she still wants to see me. Yes, I know, this is tantamount to keeping me waiting in the wings.... but my approach to dealing with that is to get busier in my life, and to start dating others. I may start a whole other post on this subject, but has anyone been through a retraction in a relationship for further discovery -- only to find that you came back together again?
Mz. Pixie Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 Okay- NMS- All that's happened is- you are basically gaining nothing. The relationship has not changed in the way you wanted it to. You did nothing but go back to the way it was prior to your telling her you needed more. In reality- she's gotten everything she wanted- except for maybe knowing you're dating others. You ended up settling. She's still not committed to you and is still giving you crumbs. Sorry to be so harsh but geeze.
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