Anchovy Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) I'm 27, male, I got talking to a 22 year old girl via the internet in February. We have been in contact just about every day since. She had actually been married for a couple of years and it was ending due to her now Ex-husband going off with someone else. So, aside from going through the process of getting over that, she has also been out there dating a lot of different people, usually not seeing any of these dates more than twice. Anyway, we got to know each other from Feb. 2015 onwards, texting constantly, skyping all night till the sun came up. We ended up meeting in early June (we live a reasonable distance apart and both were having times of upheaval and busyness). Our first meeting was great (we booked a hotel room and spent two full days and nights together). We've since met five more times at the new flat she moved into on her own, with me staying over for 3 or 4 days at a time. And always both of us really enjoying it - we'll be meeting again in a week. Our situation has been that we have monogamous, no-strings sex and intimacy, but without the other hassles and stresses that a relationship involves. In short, a friends with benefits deal. The thing is I am really keen on her and would love to have more with her. I find her so beautiful and such a lovely, fun person to be around. I think about her every day and miss her when I'm not with her. At this point I'd be really, really sad if she was no longer interested in me. We haven't made a big thing of it, but we have exchanged the very occasional quiet "I love you". With her saying it first I might add, first through drunken texts and but eventually when sober too. So, yesterday I wrote her out a long (2 sides, compact handwriting) letter that basically explains how highly I think of her and all the good I see in her, and that I'm willing to wait as long as it takes for her to get bored with her single freedoms and want to be serious with someone again. Just making it clear that I would be that someone if she ever wanted. However, I'm a bit scared to give it to her. I'm worried that it might not be received well due to her thinking I'm trying to escalate things when she's not ready. And I know that right now it's out of the question. So I don't want to alienate her. I just feel like I have this amazing person standing right in front of me and if she goes off with someone else without me spelling it out to her, I'll be so full of regret. What should I do? Edited December 3, 2015 by Anchovy
smackie9 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 She is just fresh out of a marriage....I doubt she will be interested in anything serious. It's possible if you turn serious you will end up a rebound, and she will have to let you go. You should back it up a bit and let her have some breathing room, till she adjusts to her new life.
Author Anchovy Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 She is just fresh out of a marriage....I doubt she will be interested in anything serious. It's possible if you turn serious you will end up a rebound, and she will have to let you go. You should back it up a bit and let her have some breathing room, till she adjusts to her new life. This is what I'm afraid of. This marriage of hers has been effectively over since early 2015 though so it's not a FRESH fresh breakup. Actually in my letter I stress that I'm not trying to talk her into changing her situation any time soon, just that I'm ready whenever she is.
smackie9 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 This is what I'm afraid of. This marriage of hers has been effectively over since early 2015 though so it's not a FRESH fresh breakup. Fresh enough....and it was a marriage not a bf/gf. They walked down the aisle in front of friends and family, professed their undying love/commitment through their wedded vows....big difference.
smackie9 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Do you not think she already knows this??? I would most certainly would.
Author Anchovy Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 Fresh enough....and it was a marriage not a bf/gf. They walked down the aisle in front of friends and family, professed their undying love/commitment through their wedded vows....big difference. Actually... this is going to strange but although she got married, she hid it from her family. They still don't know. She's at university hundreds of miles away from where she grew up and kept it a secret, for whatever reason. She did love her Ex though, she was with him five years from age 16.
oberkeat Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Actually... this is going to strange but although she got married, she hid it from her family. They still don't know. She's at university hundreds of miles away from where she grew up and kept it a secret, for whatever reason. She did love her Ex though, she was with him five years from age 16. She sounds like damaged goods. I'd steer clear of her.
Author Anchovy Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 She sounds like damaged goods. I'd steer clear of her. I know how that must've sounded and I was surprised too, but I get why she did it (didn't want to marry at 19 in the first place but her boyfriend pushed for it). Unless she's a very skilled actress then she's a great person by my estimation, I trust her.
d0nnivain Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Don't you dare give her that letter! It will ruin everything. It's too much. Things may be wonderful from your perspective but I have bad news for you -- you may be a rebound. Just because her "hidden" marriage was "effectively" over does not mean she's emotionally over the end of a 5 year relationship that transitioned her from childhood into her early 20s. Based upon her young marriage & it's relative short life, plus the fact that she hid it from people, you really have to question her maturity & decision making abilities. Back off. Continue doing what you are doing but save the heart pouring letters for much later, say after the ink is dry on her divorce decree
Author Anchovy Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 Don't you dare give her that letter! It will ruin everything. It's too much. Things may be wonderful from your perspective but I have bad news for you -- you may be a rebound. Just because her "hidden" marriage was "effectively" over does not mean she's emotionally over the end of a 5 year relationship that transitioned her from childhood into her early 20s. Based upon her young marriage & it's relative short life, plus the fact that she hid it from people, you really have to question her maturity & decision making abilities. Back off. Continue doing what you are doing but save the heart pouring letters for much later, say after the ink is dry on her divorce decree Hmmm ok. Votes stacking up in the 'No' column. I was really leaning towards giving it to her too.
smackie9 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I was really leaning towards giving it to her too. That's because you are so focused on your own feelings.....and they are clouding your better judgement. 1
smackie9 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Actually... this is going to strange but although she got married, she hid it from her family. They still don't know. She's at university hundreds of miles away from where she grew up and kept it a secret, for whatever reason. She did love her Ex though, she was with him five years from age 16. She's probably still not over him. 1
Author Anchovy Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 She's probably still not over him. She says she'll always love him on some level but wants nothing more to do with him at this point. He still tries to contact her but she wants none of it.
d0nnivain Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 She's not ready for your out pouring of love. Hold off.
Author Anchovy Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 That's because you are so focused on your own feelings.....and they are clouding your better judgement. Her feelings are paramount in all of this, they're the reason I've posted this question. I'm almost definitely not going to do it now though, I will wait a few more months I think. 1
kismetkismet Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 She says she'll always love him on some level but wants nothing more to do with him at this point. He still tries to contact her but she wants none of it. I hate to say it, but wanting nothing more to do with someone doesn't mean you have no feelings for them anymore. It can just mean that rationally you know that the relationship is over, despite your complicated feelings for them. Knowing you don't want to be with someone and being over someone are two very different things. I don't think you should necessarily say NOTHING, but i think the super long tell-all letter will be way too intense and might frighten her off. There is a pretty high chance that she's not fully over her previous relationship (though it doesn't sound like a typical marriage) but it's worth having a conversation about. Have a conversation with her next time you see her about if she sees a future with you etc. or if she's even in a place to think about that. Tell her that you are interested in taking it a step further, but fully understand if she's not ready. Don't tell her you will "wait as long as it takes" because doing so is not very smart, and implying you will is even less smart. You can talk to her about wanting to take things to the next step, but lower the intensity of your approach so that she doesn't feel so much pressure etc. and be prepared not to hear exactly what you want 1
Author Anchovy Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 I hate to say it, but wanting nothing more to do with someone doesn't mean you have no feelings for them anymore. It can just mean that rationally you know that the relationship is over, despite your complicated feelings for them. Knowing you don't want to be with someone and being over someone are two very different things. I don't think you should necessarily say NOTHING, but i think the super long tell-all letter will be way too intense and might frighten her off. There is a pretty high chance that she's not fully over her previous relationship (though it doesn't sound like a typical marriage) but it's worth having a conversation about. Have a conversation with her next time you see her about if she sees a future with you etc. or if she's even in a place to think about that. Tell her that you are interested in taking it a step further, but fully understand if she's not ready. Don't tell her you will "wait as long as it takes" because doing so is not very smart, and implying you will is even less smart. You can talk to her about wanting to take things to the next step, but lower the intensity of your approach so that she doesn't feel so much pressure etc. and be prepared not to hear exactly what you want Ok, duly noted. But regarding this bit: "Don't tell her you will "wait as long as it takes" because doing so is not very smart, and implying you will is even less smart. " Why is that so terrible if it's true? That's what I intend to do.
Glitters Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 This is similar to my situation a few years ago except with some differences. I was in middle of divorce when I met my current husband and started dating. We kept it low profile , no one knew we were together till my divorce was final. My marriage was long over before the divorce was even filed even though we lived together so filing the divorce was just a formality and the law can sometimes take time , more than we anticipate. My current husband stood by me during the entire time and he says he is glad he did. He had told me early on that he doesn't want anyone else to come take me before he did. These things sound cheeky , it was what it was and it worked. My ex was abusive but I worked on myself. It doesn't make me ' damaged goods'. It makes me who I am. Everyone has a past that has molded them who they are today. OP, while I agree don't write lengthy pages but do tell her how you really feel and if you are sure that you want to go ahead and seal her before anyone else does, tell her and be there. Instead of telling her you will wait, become a constant part in her life without her realizing, if you get my drift. You don't want to be fair weather , do you ? People do remember who was with them in tough times but they never forget who wasn't ! My current husband was not a rebound ! Not everyone is. In short , I would advice to go ahead but keep a bit short.
Author Anchovy Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 This is similar to my situation a few years ago except with some differences. I was in middle of divorce when I met my current husband and started dating. We kept it low profile , no one knew we were together till my divorce was final. My marriage was long over before the divorce was even filed even though we lived together so filing the divorce was just a formality and the law can sometimes take time , more than we anticipate. My current husband stood by me during the entire time and he says he is glad he did. He had told me early on that he doesn't want anyone else to come take me before he did. These things sound cheeky , it was what it was and it worked. My ex was abusive but I worked on myself. It doesn't make me ' damaged goods'. It makes me who I am. Everyone has a past that has molded them who they are today. OP, while I agree don't write lengthy pages but do tell her how you really feel and if you are sure that you want to go ahead and seal her before anyone else does, tell her and be there. Instead of telling her you will wait, become a constant part in her life without her realizing, if you get my drift. You don't want to be fair weather , do you ? People do remember who was with them in tough times but they never forget who wasn't ! My current husband was not a rebound ! Not everyone is. In short , I would advice to go ahead but keep a bit short. OK. Actually quite a bit of the length of the letter is me trying to qualify it by saying I'm not trying to pressure her into anything any time soon, or asking for any sort of promise. Just spelling out what I've been quietly hoping for. And also that if she doesn't see me like that and never will, then she can feel free to tell me and I'll adjust my hopes accordingly.
Glitters Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Like I said , do it but keep it a bit short. Write a couple of times then edit. If you won't spell it out , she won't know. If she doesn't know , nothing will come out of it. You need to know if you are in or out. So, it's both ways. It's important for her and you both and beating around the bush sometimes ends in misinterpretation and misunderstanding. Be clear in what you desire. I'm all for telling as it is just a bit short but true
Author Anchovy Posted December 6, 2015 Author Posted December 6, 2015 (edited) Like I said , do it but keep it a bit short. Write a couple of times then edit. If you won't spell it out , she won't know. If she doesn't know , nothing will come out of it. You need to know if you are in or out. So, it's both ways. It's important for her and you both and beating around the bush sometimes ends in misinterpretation and misunderstanding. Be clear in what you desire. I'm all for telling as it is just a bit short but true I'm going to wait a while. I think I have time. She's in no rush. I'll give it a couple of months, maybe Valentine's Day might be a good time. If I get any indication that the time is running out I'll let it all out, but for now I will wait. Edited December 6, 2015 by Anchovy
Glitters Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 She's in no rush = not desparate. That makes her more attractive Are you ready for the hassles and stresses that come with a relationship? What you have now is stress free but once your feelings are out , then begins the real stuff . Want to deal with them ? You are developing emotional attachment.
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