ms_goldilocks Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Hi guys. I've been in a relationship with an amazing guy for 6 months now and everything is going great. However, we are having "tensions" that often lead to arguments. I can be a pain in the a*s sometimes because I can give him a hard time about little things and it makes me feel guilty and I always end up apologizing. But we also have real arguments. We are two different types, which is not a problem - he is very spontaneous and lives day by day while I love planning and knowing what I'm gonna do each day. This isn't bad, because we can learn from each other. The relationship is still new, so do you think it's something that will get better with time? We are both stubborn and proud, so the arguments usually get worse than they should because none of us wants to admit when we're wrong about something.. I really wanna avoid those small fights and arguments.
PaperCrane Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Need a little more details about what and where with these arguments. Typically though, a very spontaneous person and a very planned person can go well in balancing each other but it takes a lot of understanding.
Author ms_goldilocks Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 It's mostly misunderstandings because on part takes something too personally. But it's mainly because of his lack of effort when it comes to show up on time when we plan something. For example, last night I texted him asking what time he wanted me to be at his place today and we agreed that 11am is best and that he would text me when he wakes up so I know he isn't asleep, as I don't have a key. So I woke up at 8am this morning, got ready, went downtown to run some errands, and it was 10.50am and I hadn't heard from him. So I went to the library waiting for him to call or text. And he woke up at 12! I was angry because we agreed on 11. I was so mad that I didn't wanna go to his house, he ended up coming to the library all moody and cranky because, apparently, he made breakfast and everything and I didn't wanna come.. I know it seems ridiculous, but I expect him to set the alarm and wake up on time when he knows I'm gonna come and I don't have a key -_- And also, we had a huge argument last month because I said "Don't be so stupid" JOKINGLY and he took it too personally.
pteromom Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 For example, last night I texted him asking what time he wanted me to be at his place today and we agreed that 11am is best and that he would text me when he wakes up so I know he isn't asleep, as I don't have a key. So I woke up at 8am this morning, got ready, went downtown to run some errands, and it was 10.50am and I hadn't heard from him. So I went to the library waiting for him to call or text. And he woke up at 12! I was angry because we agreed on 11. I was so mad that I didn't wanna go to his house, he ended up coming to the library all moody and cranky because, apparently, he made breakfast and everything and I didn't wanna come.. I know it seems ridiculous, but I expect him to set the alarm and wake up on time when he knows I'm gonna come and I don't have a key -_- If he doesn't think being on time is important, that is part of who he is and won't change. And also, we had a huge argument last month because I said "Don't be so stupid" JOKINGLY and he took it too personally. Uhhh I would take that personally too. That's a very rude thing to say. It's not a joke. It's a put-down. Stop that. I can be a pain in the a*s sometimes because I can give him a hard time about little things and it makes me feel guilty and I always end up apologizing. Stop that too. You know you are doing something bad, and you just keep doing it? Would you want him giving you a hard time about little things all the time? Unless you can both stop being stubborn and proud, and instead get to a place where you try to work TOGETHER to resolve issues in the relationship, no, it will not get better. You are a team, not competitors. You have to act like it. 1
Author ms_goldilocks Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 If he doesn't think being on time is important, that is part of who he is and won't change. Uhhh I would take that personally too. That's a very rude thing to say. It's not a joke. It's a put-down. Stop that. Stop that too. You know you are doing something bad, and you just keep doing it? Would you want him giving you a hard time about little things all the time? Unless you can both stop being stubborn and proud, and instead get to a place where you try to work TOGETHER to resolve issues in the relationship, no, it will not get better. You are a team, not competitors. You have to act like it. I agree that some things I say can be rude, but my intention is not to hurt him. I know that my bf is not stupid! He is the person I admire the most for his intelligence, and it was said in a context where he was teasing me and we were both laughing. And I ended up apologizing because I know that what I find funny might not be funny to him. When I told him that I felt angry because of him not trying to be on time, he said that he would change, which I didn't ask for. I don't want to change him, I know what he is like that. I simply want him to tell me "I will let you know when I wake up and you can come then" instead of just making plans the day before.
Wewon Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 It's mostly misunderstandings because on part takes something too personally. But it's mainly because of his lack of effort when it comes to show up on time when we plan something. For example, last night I texted him asking what time he wanted me to be at his place today and we agreed that 11am is best and that he would text me when he wakes up so I know he isn't asleep, as I don't have a key. So I woke up at 8am this morning, got ready, went downtown to run some errands, and it was 10.50am and I hadn't heard from him. So I went to the library waiting for him to call or text. And he woke up at 12! I was angry because we agreed on 11. I was so mad that I didn't wanna go to his house, he ended up coming to the library all moody and cranky because, apparently, he made breakfast and everything and I didn't wanna come.. I know it seems ridiculous, but I expect him to set the alarm and wake up on time when he knows I'm gonna come and I don't have a key -_- And also, we had a huge argument last month because I said "Don't be so stupid" JOKINGLY and he took it too personally. I consider being late, particularly when the time was agreed upon, to be a point of concern. If 11 didn't work for him then he should have said so. And apparently like most chronically late people he figured that when he was ready then that starts the clock on your day, who eats breakfast at noon?! I don't deal well with people that are unapologetically let for everything. Most people who are always late assume that it stems from pathological love of watching a clock, but its because it sets everything else off and causes problems, like a person preparing a big breakfast that people don't want to eat because its noon. People often say that opposites attract and there's this theory that if you put two opposites together that they will compliment each other and become some unstoppable uber-couple, but all I ever see is people struggling with each other's respective nature. I think that its important to pair off with someone that you're on the same page as.
pteromom Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 I agree that some things I say can be rude, but my intention is not to hurt him. Oh I know. But you know that he takes those kind of comments differently than you intend them, so the kind thing to do is to just not make those kinds of comments. That is how there is growth in a relationship - there is a disagreement, you both share how you see things, and you both make adjustments to make it better. He may agree to try to not take things personally, but FEELINGS are much more difficult to control than actions, so in this case, the easier solution is for you to just not make jokes that are put-downs to him. When I told him that I felt angry because of him not trying to be on time, he said that he would change, which I didn't ask for. I don't want to change him, I know what he is like that. I simply want him to tell me "I will let you know when I wake up and you can come then" instead of just making plans the day before. Since you know you can't really count on him to be where he says he will be, you should structure your plans where you aren't counting on him. Separate cars, putting things on his calendar with reminders that come up on his phone, etc. What can you do to at least remove yourself from being at the mercy of his lateness and irresponsibility?
pteromom Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 I consider being late, particularly when the time was agreed upon, to be a point of concern. If 11 didn't work for him then he should have said so. And apparently like most chronically late people he figured that when he was ready then that starts the clock on your day, who eats breakfast at noon?! This is true, but he's not here asking for advice, so the only advice we can give is helping her deal with it, and helping her be better in HER part of the relationship. He's certainly not blameless. People often say that opposites attract and there's this theory that if you put two opposites together that they will compliment each other and become some unstoppable uber-couple, but all I ever see is people struggling with each other's respective nature. I think that its important to pair off with someone that you're on the same page as. You will never find anyone who is on the same page as you about EVERYTHING though. You have to go into a relationship with an attitude of understanding and acceptance. You have to think about the top few things you prioritize, and focus on finding someone who meets those, but you'll never find your clone...which would be boring anyway because there would be no learning or growth.
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