SwordofFlame Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Yeah, I know women who have done it repeatedly. This one woman I was talking to has had a series of relationships that ended in disaster because the dude was no good to begin with (drugs, kids from a previous relationship, and ex lurking in the background, dropped out of college, etc). But she dated him because he was "exciting". :rolleyes: While in the relationship she complained that there was always drama, always headaches with this guy. Yet when a nice stable polite guy, like this architect she met, tries to score a date with her, she always turns them down and hooks up with the exact type of deadbeats she just ended a relationship with, and the cycle starts all over again. I'm like, "Well, don't you think maybe you would stop dating a**holes?" Does no good, though. I think deep down most women care nothing about anything that's on this list. All that matters is "spark", "excitement". I admit as a guy, sometimes you also look past certain red flags if the woman is really hot and flirty...just saying.
truth_seeker Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Since I have started dating again, I am seriously wondering if my expectations are too high. After a really bad relationship I made a checklist for my new potential partners: - no history of abusive relationships (or cheating) - treats people decently - no lies - no jealousy, not controlling - not arrogant - not racist (or sexist) - solid education - no psychological illnesses (this is negociable, if the person is medicated) - stable - polite - I must find him attractive - introduces me to his friends - wants to spend major events with me - doesn't treat me like an option - gives me presents (sounds weird, but for me giving presents is like saying "I love you". Doesn´t have to be anything big, a fruit from the supermarket is enough...it's mostly about the thought) - no exes lingering around - doesn't try to rush me into a relationship (I need more than two dates to know if I want to sleep with a guy. This is also negociable.) - has a life outside the relationship - respects me - no criminal record - no substance abuse (alkohol included) Since I've started applying these standards I've been weeding out more or less....everbody. Your thoughts? Would any of those be negoociable for you? I would add spelling to the list... but that's negotiable 1
Keenly Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Love is not something you set out to find with a list of qualifications. Love happens. 100 bucks says when you meet the right person, your list will go right out the window. Also, no history of abusive relationships... You'd reject a guy because he was abused? 1
truth_seeker Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Also, no history of abusive relationships... You'd reject a guy because he was abused? I think she meant the guy having a history of abusing women.
Ami1uwant Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I admit as a guy, sometimes you also look past certain red flags if the woman is really hot and flirty...just saying. We are talking about relationships that actually lead to something....not sexual flings. 1
pteromom Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 - no history of abusive relationships (or cheating) - I would mark this as a "red flag" vs. a dealbreaker. It is possible they were in a relationship with a very dysfunctional or abusive partner - that doesn't mean they would bring that to you. Same with cheating. People can cheat, learn, and never cheat again. - treats people decently - of course - no lies - agree - no jealousy, not controlling - agree - not arrogant - agree - not racist (or sexist)- agree - solid education - I would replace this one with "has goals and a plan for life and is actively working on those." Because it is possible to be very responsible and successful without a solid education. - no psychological illnesses (this is negociable, if the person is medicated) - I would mark this as another "red flag" area. You have to see how they handle their illness and how it might affect you. - stable - agree - polite- agree - I must find him attractive- agree - introduces me to his friends - Ehhhhh. Maybe his friends are real jerks and he's embarrassed of THEM. Maybe they are judgmental or rude to girlfriends. I wouldn't make this a dealbreaker. Another "red flag" that needs to be weighed with everything else going on. For example - if he is going out with these friends 3 times a week and they don't know you exist, that's a far cry from his high school friends he sees once a month and they are all on his social media with you, etc. - wants to spend major events with me - Depends on what else is going on in his life. Does he have children? Does he have to spend some major events with his family? - doesn't treat me like an option - agree - gives me presents (sounds weird, but for me giving presents is like saying "I love you". Doesn´t have to be anything big, a fruit from the supermarket is enough...it's mostly about the thought) - this is something you have to communicate. It's not intuitive for a lot of guys, and you have to explain that receiving gifts is one of your love languages, give him lots of examples, and see what he does. - no exes lingering around - This makes YOU sound like the jealous/controlling one that you said you didn't want. - doesn't try to rush me into a relationship (I need more than two dates to know if I want to sleep with a guy. This is also negociable.) - This SHOULDN'T be negotiable. No rushing. - has a life outside the relationship- agree - respects me- agree - no criminal record- Depends on what it is and when it was. - no substance abuse (alkohol included)- agree 1
sandylee1 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Love is not something you set out to find with a list of qualifications. Love happens. 100 bucks says when you meet the right person, your list will go right out the window. Also, no history of abusive relationships... You'd reject a guy because he was abused? I'm guessing she means guys who do the abusing. I agree love happens......but you need certain qualities and should do a mental list of the kind of guy or girl you want for a serious relationship. You don't want to fall in love and find out he's a girlfriend beater..
pteromom Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 A relationship is more like: There are some things about him that make me feel crazy attracted to him. Can I handle/accept the **** I don't like about him? Actually THIS sounds young.
newt Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Just seems like a man who fits all of that will be dating or messing around with several women because of being so high in demand.
Chelsea5019 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 These are all perfectly reasonable expectations. Not one of them is outside of anyone's control! Even attractiveness is mostly in our control.
Redfisher Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Just seems like a man who fits all of that will be dating or messing around with several women because of being so high in demand. Not sure if I like this statement.....But I value your views.
radwimps Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 - no history of abusive relationships (or cheating) - I would mark this as a "red flag" vs. a dealbreaker. It is possible they were in a relationship with a very dysfunctional or abusive partner - that doesn't mean they would bring that to you. Same with cheating. People can cheat, learn, and never cheat again. - treats people decently - of course - no lies - agree - no jealousy, not controlling - agree - not arrogant - agree - not racist (or sexist)- agree - solid education - I would replace this one with "has goals and a plan for life and is actively working on those." Because it is possible to be very responsible and successful without a solid education. - no psychological illnesses (this is negociable, if the person is medicated) - I would mark this as another "red flag" area. You have to see how they handle their illness and how it might affect you. - stable - agree - polite- agree - I must find him attractive- agree - introduces me to his friends - Ehhhhh. Maybe his friends are real jerks and he's embarrassed of THEM. Maybe they are judgmental or rude to girlfriends. I wouldn't make this a dealbreaker. Another "red flag" that needs to be weighed with everything else going on. For example - if he is going out with these friends 3 times a week and they don't know you exist, that's a far cry from his high school friends he sees once a month and they are all on his social media with you, etc. - wants to spend major events with me - Depends on what else is going on in his life. Does he have children? Does he have to spend some major events with his family? - doesn't treat me like an option - agree - gives me presents (sounds weird, but for me giving presents is like saying "I love you". Doesn´t have to be anything big, a fruit from the supermarket is enough...it's mostly about the thought) - this is something you have to communicate. It's not intuitive for a lot of guys, and you have to explain that receiving gifts is one of your love languages, give him lots of examples, and see what he does. - no exes lingering around - This makes YOU sound like the jealous/controlling one that you said you didn't want. - doesn't try to rush me into a relationship (I need more than two dates to know if I want to sleep with a guy. This is also negociable.) - This SHOULDN'T be negotiable. No rushing. - has a life outside the relationship- agree - respects me- agree - no criminal record- Depends on what it is and when it was. - no substance abuse (alkohol included)- agree I completely agree with this. It is a long list of expectations but not particularly "high" expectations. Just a lot of them, lol. You're not looking for a "perfect man", it sounds like you're looking for a man with "no faults". Men with no faults are hard to come by and are in high demand. Put "attractive" in the list of expectation and you might be competing against tons of women. You might meet some nice man who might break 1 or 2 of the rules on the list. I suggest listening to them and understanding their perspective before denouncing them as incompatible.
io2iio Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) It depends on where you are in your life and what you have to offer to the man. If you have expectations, men will also have expectations too. Edited December 3, 2015 by io2iio
WomenWubber Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 They seem fair to me. Just keep looking and don't forget that men have expectations too.
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