MidwestUSA Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Absolutely. My sniffer is super sensitive. Like, dog sensitive, lol. My doc also told me my hearing on the low end is freakishly good. As good as a five year old's. I can hear earthquakes before they happen... And can sometimes make out the lyrics of songs being played at a bar a mile away. No kidding. But yea, if the guy doesn't smell good to me... There is almost always an underlying health condition at play. I can distinguish the UPS truck from the mail truck. When they are a block over. I'll say to my husband 'here comes UPS' and he'll look out the window, LOL! They aren't on our street yet, but two minutes later, yep! My ex and I slept in the same bed (that was all) at the end. I couldn't even face him, the cloud of organic compounds coming out of his mouth was so bad. As a nurse, I find I can simply walk into a patient's room and determine they have pseudomonas. Some of it is a learned skill, but the sniffer helps. 1
Author candie13 Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 Well alrighty then, Samsonite Sally! luuuv it! If I could change the thread title, I would :lmao: 1
StBreton Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 personal attacks not welcomed on the thread. Either substantiate your input and insert something insightful in those empty little comments or yours or step out. Mods will be requested to join in my efforts to keep this thread and conversation civil. Have a lovely day ! I was just about to chime in that this thread is one of the best and most informative I've read in a while. Thanks for starting it off. Agreed with your comments to Chelsea. Not sure what the problem is Chelsea but enough with the poster bashing. 1
RedRobin Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) I completely agree. The problem, however is that most people who went through baggage prefer to hide them under a table and let them there, rather then go through them. Worse, some not even talk about them, hide and lie to "get the girl". The moment a guy tells me to my face about his issues, his past, his scars and talks, I think anything else becomes irrelevant. Because that person is honest. I will never judge a person because they've been through sh*t. I will judge a person if they minimize the sh*t they've been through and never dealt with it, but dump it on their next partner. ALL people do this. EVERYONE makes their next partner pay for the not solved issues they got stuck with, from their past. So if at least they're open to it, that would be... Heaven. At least, i'll have someone to talk and have a fight with, rather than spend 6 months with a guy who hides his true nature from me and then be served with the "surprise" - no one can keep an act for too long and truth usually surfaces. How do you know that the person who lets loose with all his issues, past, scars, and talks is being honest? To me, that could be just as big a smokescreen as someone who says they have 'no baggage'. Or someone going for faux intimacy based on sharing our boo boos in life prematurely or with no context. I really don't need or want to hear it all. I want them to deal with things that affect them, and I want them to share what they think will affect me or us as a couple. Man, life is too short to be going on and on about all of our life travails. I really don't like the term baggage... To me, life is full of experiences. I am not about to say that anything I have experienced counts as negative or 'baggage'. It just is. That's not discounting. I just don't think I am a special flower for going through this or that. We can't judge someone else's pain... But we do have a right to decide who we let in our lives. For sure, if I told a guy I don't want to date someone who is promiscuous or cheated on a past partner, I expect him to bow out if the relationship... If he wants to save face. I don't need to ask 50 questions and grill him. I won't. But if I find out later he has that history, or anything else I'd consider nonnegotiable and told him I won't deal with...Yea, he's out and not in a good way. Just an example... Edited December 3, 2015 by RedRobin
Author candie13 Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 How do you know that the person who lets loose with all his issues, past, scars, and talks is being honest? To me, that could be just as big a smokescreen as someone who says they have 'no baggage'. Or someone going for faux intimacy based on sharing our boo boos in life prematurely or with no context. I really don't need or want to hear it all. I want them to deal with things that affect them, and I want them to share what they think will affect me or us as a couple. Man, life is too short to be going on and on about all of our life travails. I really don't like the term baggage... To me, life is full of experiences. I am not about to say that anything I have experienced counts as negative or 'baggage'. It just is. That's not discounting. I just don't think I am a special flower for going through this or that. We can't judge someone else's pain... But we do have a right to decide who we let in our lives. For sure, if I told a guy I don't want to date someone who is promiscuous or cheated on a past partner, I expect him to bow out if the relationship... If he wants to save face. I don't need to ask 50 questions and grill him. I won't. But if I find out later he has that history, or anything else I'd consider nonnegotiable and told him I won't deal with...Yea, he's out and not in a good way. Just an example...hey, I am absolutely against crossexaminations, I want love and chemistry and butterflies in my stomach as much as the next girl. And yeah, baggage is bloody baggage, because it's heavy and yet we don't let go of it. Aaaand... however uncomfortable, i actually think it's better to talk about stuff than hide it. Example - last guy I dated for 5 months was divorced. I should have asked all the questions I've had MUCH earlier on and not wait for him to open up and share. Invasive? Perhaps, a bit. I would have realized much sooner that the man had been wishy washy about marriage to get me to out with him and actually was pretty much dead set against it. "maybe after I have a child or two" was his answer after 5-6 months. F*ck, no. I had touched the subject before - first 2-3 months, just random check - and trust me, the answer was anything but that. Had I had the courage to have a full conversation about him about his divorce, about how he took his divorce and key learnings ... his firm and obstinate position against marriage would have flashed through his words. Key learning: yeah, it's scary to talk about sensitive matters... but guess what, the devils lay exactly there. In our face. We're just too scared to confront them because we sort of like living in our own little dream world... until one day when we can no longer deny or ignore the reality.
RedRobin Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 hey, I am absolutely against crossexaminations, I want love and chemistry and butterflies in my stomach as much as the next girl. And yeah, baggage is bloody baggage, because it's heavy and yet we don't let go of it. Aaaand... however uncomfortable, i actually think it's better to talk about stuff than hide it. Example - last guy I dated for 5 months was divorced. I should have asked all the questions I've had MUCH earlier on and not wait for him to open up and share. Invasive? Perhaps, a bit. I would have realized much sooner that the man had been wishy washy about marriage to get me to out with him and actually was pretty much dead set against it. "maybe after I have a child or two" was his answer after 5-6 months. F*ck, no. I had touched the subject before - first 2-3 months, just random check - and trust me, the answer was anything but that. Had I had the courage to have a full conversation about him about his divorce, about how he took his divorce and key learnings ... his firm and obstinate position against marriage would have flashed through his words. Key learning: yeah, it's scary to talk about sensitive matters... but guess what, the devils lay exactly there. In our face. We're just too scared to confront them because we sort of like living in our own little dream world... until one day when we can no longer deny or ignore the reality. I don't see his situation as baggage. I'd say he wasn't honest about his goals and plans. Whole different animal. It is important that people have frank discussions about what they are looking for. Definitely. No room for being wishy washy there. So he lied about being open to marriage? Lots of guys who haven't been divorced lie about that. People lie about lots of things. Doesn't mean it is because of some deep seated issue or trauma. I am not saying it is right... But I also don't plan on spilling my guts to strangers just to prove a point. ...Studies have shown that men lie 8 times as much as women to protect themselves, while women more often lie to protect others. If you want to protect yourself against liars, I recommend watching this... Very informative. I think we do socialize men to lie... And women are socialized to rationalize it away. This has nothing to do with baggage and all about cultural expectations.
BC1980 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 A lot of people have rightly pointed out that the older we get, the more trauma we go through. It's just a fact of life, and it's all in how you handle it. I think there are red flags early on, and, sometimes, it takes awhile before the red flags begin to pop up. I went on a two dates with a guy, and, on the second date, he talked a good bit about his ex wife. She cheated on him, and I could tell he wasn't over it. Add that to the fact that he had a history of being unemployed for months at a time and no clear life goals. I wasn't interested after that. I think you need to go with your gut.
truth_seeker Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Red flags of emotional unavailability that you might otherwise miss: revolving door of friends (no long, long-term friendships), bounces from hobby to hobby and cannot sticking to one long term, doesn't get along with more than one or two people at work or has a history of trouble at work or changing jobs. Huh? Most of my friends from childhood, teenage years I don't even hang out with anymore. The friends I do have, I hardly see because of work or they're married, have their own lives. I guess that's why I'm single?
new2dating123 Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I too really enjoy and get alot out of the very long term posters here . The experience you have is very valuable . I have a comment about ''baggage'' .... I am a guy who does not have any . been single for years and just dont have any . Free & clear of it .
Author candie13 Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 I don't see his situation as baggage. I'd say he wasn't honest about his goals and plans. Whole different animal. It is important that people have frank discussions about what they are looking for. Definitely. No room for being wishy washy there. So he lied about being open to marriage? Lots of guys who haven't been divorced lie about that. People lie about lots of things. Doesn't mean it is because of some deep seated issue or trauma. I am not saying it is right... But I also don't plan on spilling my guts to strangers just to prove a point. ...Studies have shown that men lie 8 times as much as women to protect themselves, while women more often lie to protect others. If you want to protect yourself against liars, I recommend watching this... Very informative. I think we do socialize men to lie... And women are socialized to rationalize it away. This has nothing to do with baggage and all about cultural expectations.Thank you for the linked, I love Ted talks, watched it and enjoyed it. I... have no idea if he plain out, intentionally lied or if it's the experience of his divorce that stuck around like a foul scent. I've dated commitment phobes and he wasn't one. I've dated me who were liars and he didn't seem the type. Research says that men who married once are much more inclined to marry a second time. He was very committed to me and to the relationship, this why I was so thrown off base when marriage subject emerged. I actually tend to believe to 90% that it's not his bad marriage but the experience of divorce that traumatised him. I wrote a post on another thread, called "my boyfriend doesn't know if he ever wants to get married" where I was giving lengthier details about this situation. I believe that there are some difficult situations about their partner's past and most people, out of delicacy, prefer to avoid that talk and let their partner talk and come to them... well, in my case, if that doesn't happen soon - in the first 2-3 months of dating, than that will never happen and it's in your best interest to make it happen. Not because you want to dig the dirt out and want to find out the sleezy details, but to hear him talk about the past and understand how and if he had digested it. This - to me, together with childhood trauma and relationship with his parents - are the biggest things that I try to keep an eye on, when dating someone new.
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