candie13 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) So I've been dating for a while now and finally starting to get the hang of it. I'm a 35 years old woman, no kids and never married, with some long relationships behind me - one of 7 and another one of 3 years. So here's my question and my awareness: as far as dating in the 30+ age group, I can't stop not noticing that while there are some decent people out there, a lot of them have some serious / significant emotional traumas and some seem to live with those traumas better than others. It is normal to have some baggage and past failed experiences, don't get me wrong, however some people lived and digested those failures better than others - basically, some people - men and women - look and talk like normal people, but on the inside... there's a whole different story (anger, resentment, fear, hear, abandonment and self worth issues, etc). Those ones are unable and incapable of building an authentic relationship - even if they wanted to. Unless they chose to work on their past failures - and relive all the trauma to be able to forgive and thus get over whatever happened in the past - most people are happy to let the horrible experiences in the past and not deal with them - but hang onto the fear, anger and resentment etc as key learnings. of course, if everyone could read people, dating and relationships would be an easy job. It's not the case, one needs to spend time to get to know the other person - too bad that in that process, a lot of time and emotions are spent and invested. What is your coping strategy and what are the signs that you especially pay attention at, to cross out those emotionally damaged people that on the long run would be a loss of time ? Edited December 3, 2015 by candie13
RedRobin Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I look for stability, healthy life habits, and people with solid social networks. Those people... Even when they have been traumatized... Will bounce back because they have the tools and habits to do so. Evidence of substance abuse, lack of moderation in any major area of life... Would be my first clue that there are deeper issues I don't want to be involved with. They also are likely not as resilient in the long run. Not a good bet. 4
Author candie13 Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 I can make out - more or less - those ones. Like abuse of alcohol or substances . Same thing for womanizers - it's like a pattern, escapism of some sort. I was inquiring about more sensitive stuff like ... emotional unavailability or signs they did not digest their big relationship, failed marriage. You know, highly functional emotionally damaged people... do these exist or is this just a myth? I like your point about solid social network, that's a great one.
contel3 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Besides the classics (history of abusive relationships, irrational jealousy, drug abuse, criminal record...) I watch how consistent the person is in his actions. Not only regarding me and how intensely he pursues me but how he acts with other people. How does he treat his family and friends? When he says he wants to change something about his life, does he really follow through or is it just words? Does he have integrity? Is he empathetic? I think that by looking out for this traits you can already weed out most "bad seeds". Someone who has too much baggage is usualy incapable of being consistent and empathetic to others. Of course there are exeptions, but thats a risk you have to take. 4
ManyDissapoint Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Don't discount those of us with emotional baggage. We have strong shoulders. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 The main red flag for me in early dates is inconsistency of any kind: from flaking on dates to more subtle evidence of hot/cold behavior, stories of their past that don't quite match up and dishonest facts about themselves. I also look for evidence of stable employment and long term relationships. My early dates are more like police work than dates, I am not even going to begin to get invested until all the things above check out. On the bright side, there are people out there like myself that work through their traumas and are actually much more balanced at 30+ than they ever were in their 20s. 2
Redhead14 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) So I've been dating for a while now and finally starting to get the hang of it. I'm a 35 years old woman, no kids and never married, with some long relationships behind me - one of 7 and another one of 3 years. So here's my question and my awareness: as far as dating in the 30+ age group, I can't stop not noticing that while there are some decent people out there, a lot of them have some serious / significant emotional traumas and some seem to live with those traumas better than others. It is normal to have some baggage and past failed experiences, don't get me wrong, however some people lived and digested those failures better than others - basically, some people - men and women - look and talk like normal people, but on the inside... there's a whole different story (anger, resentment, fear, hear, abandonment and self worth issues, etc). Those ones are unable and incapable of building an authentic relationship - even if they wanted to. Unless they chose to work on their past failures - and relive all the trauma to be able to forgive and thus get over whatever happened in the past - most people are happy to let the horrible experiences in the past and not deal with them - but hang onto the fear, anger and resentment etc as key learnings. of course, if everyone could read people, dating and relationships would be an easy job. It's not the case, one needs to spend time to get to know the other person - too bad that in that process, a lot of time and emotions are spent and invested. What is your coping strategy and what are the signs that you especially pay attention at, to cross out those emotionally damaged people that on the long run would be a loss of time ? The fact is the older a person gets the more they are "exposed" to traumatic and hurtful things. If these things happen later in life and they've developed the coping skills to deal with them, then they usually do just fine. The people who have been abused or traumatized as children or very young adults, didn't have the coping skills and/or support necessary for them to be able to process it all. Those issues that are created in them as a result of that are now engrained in them as part of their egos and psyches. It is basically built into them. Some of these people do well anyway and push forward with their lives and some people are locked in the past. It isn't their fault and they usually don't get past it all unless there is some other earth shattering event or life experience with causes them to more or less be "awakened" to the fact that they are not the whole person they should be. Some people with these underlying/engrained issues function very well on the outside and until someone really gets to know them, all that "stuff" is hidden for a long time. It is extremely difficult for a "layman" to identify things early in another person. Sometimes there are tell-tales sometimes but you'd really have to know what to look/listen for. Referring to these people as "damaged goods", however, is disrespectful and insensitive way to look at them. Oftentimes, they are very good-natured people with good hearts who are going through life without all the joy and happiness they should have and deserve. Yeah, they don't make good relationship partners, generally, but they do deserve to have that. Unfortunately, other people don't have the skills or patience, etc. to give that to them either. I would not recommend trying either. It's a good idea to touch on conversations surrounding each other's childhoods early in the dating scenario. If they are reluctant to go down memory lane or say they don't remember much, that is a clue right there. Don't push them to discuss at that point and just continue to observe. Edited December 3, 2015 by Redhead14 7
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Ahhh...baggage. At this point in my life I'm kind of brutal about zoning in sooner rather than later and will often ask about past relationships. I know this may be a faux pas in many dating books but when you get to be my age and have done all the work to get to a great place in one's life, I don't feel the need to waste anyone's time by dancing around important and life altering questions. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they speak about their ex's and past relationships. Are they still angry or bitter? Do they insult or speak poorly of their ex? Do they fault the entire demise of their relationship(s) on their ex's and take no responsibility for the part they might have played? And on and on. You can also gauge their communication abilities. Do they look uncomfortable speaking about personal details? Do they try and change the subject or dodge questions? Do they look into your eyes when they speak or shift their gaze often or altogether? Do they listen and ask questions as much as they talk? Etc. These have been MY method of weeding out prospects for one reason or another and it's been quite effective over the years. I've done MY work after all and I'm looking for someone whose done theirs. 5
AspenBaldwin Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 A bit cruel to refer to people as 'damaged goods'. You meet someone and you can have a great time or not, but looking back at it with the idea of having spent time and emotions as if the other person involved had not, sounds a bit self-centered. 1
smackie9 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I don't think it's self centered but being cautious. I totally get where you are coming from OP. Some people purposely hide their unresolved issues which is unfair like you said, you find out after you are emotionally invested. If I was single today, you bet I would be wary of a "messy" divorce, "never had a LTR", "single for 6 years", "got to go to my AA meeting, or I'm in therapy", "My ex was a crazy bi tch nut job", "I hate my family", "Haven't talked to my kid in 2 years", etc. Damn rights, me no like no drama. 4
truth_seeker Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 What is your coping strategy and what are the signs that you especially pay attention at, to cross out those emotionally damaged people that on the long run would be a loss of time ? I have no baggage (no ex-wife, no kids, no debt, nothing) I'm in my 30s and consider myself an anomaly. When I feel things aren't right, I go talk to someone. I clear my head. I feel better. I'm back on track. I really believe every person should have someone they can talk to - preferably a therapist. If money is an issue, stop by your local Church and go to confessional. Costs nothing and you can get what's bothering you out of your system. At one time I dated a woman who was divorced. It last about 4 months. At first I was ready to bail but then said to myself give her a chance, as no one is perfect. As time went on I noticed a pattern with her: happy, joyful, moody, horny, suicidal, calm, happy, etc... same fricken broken record. I came to the conclusion that she needed a therapist NOT a boyfriend. She couldn't let go of the past and brought it all onto me. People really need to heal before getting involved with another person or you're just going to poison the new person you're dating. 2
Author candie13 Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 Well, people, you come up with a more respectful yet short & catchy title thread that conveys the big idea :D !
dobielover Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 There's the obvious: full court press and hot pursuit right from the beginning before they even know you, inconsistency, bitter comments about their past relationships. Red flags of emotional unavailability that you might otherwise miss: revolving door of friends (no long, long-term friendships), bounces from hobby to hobby and cannot sticking to one long term, doesn't get along with more than one or two people at work or has a history of trouble at work or changing jobs. 1
Author candie13 Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 Just a short line to say thank you for this amazingly insightful responses to this thread! I'll respond shortly! Really, thank you, all !!!
Redfisher Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Baggage....We all have it, As long as you are not swinging it I can see past it. 2
jen1447 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 What is your coping strategy and what are the signs that you especially pay attention at, to cross out those emotionally damaged people that on the long run would be a loss of time ? In the case of my BF, I didn't turn away at all but salvaged him instead. And he was unsalvageable. Some ppl really are beyond reach I'm sure, but depending on who's doing the reaching and what they're willing to give and what they expect, many 'throwaways' can actually be gotten to. 1
jen1447 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Baggage....We all have it, As long as you are not swinging it I can see past it. Rather epic.
LookAtThisPOst Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Ahhh...baggage. At this point in my life I'm kind of brutal about zoning in sooner rather than later and will often ask about past relationships. I know this may be a faux pas in many dating books but when you get to be my age and have done all the work to get to a great place in one's life, I don't feel the need to waste anyone's time by dancing around important and life altering questions. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they speak about their ex's and past relationships. Are they still angry or bitter? Do they insult or speak poorly of their ex? Do they fault the entire demise of their relationship(s) on their ex's and take no responsibility for the part they might have played? And on and on. You can also gauge their communication abilities. Do they look uncomfortable speaking about personal details? Do they try and change the subject or dodge questions? Do they look into your eyes when they speak or shift their gaze often or altogether? Do they listen and ask questions as much as they talk? Etc. These have been MY method of weeding out prospects for one reason or another and it's been quite effective over the years. I've done MY work after all and I'm looking for someone whose done theirs. If you go around looking for fault, you will find it. Anyhow, everyone has some kind of baggage or another. I mean, there are certain thresholds that have a tipping point for you, but typically one finds out about it once they've had their time invested. I dated a woman a couple of months last year and realized after we got intimate, she suffered some kind of panic attack. Apparently, she had a history of an abusive ex-husband from 10 years ago, and was anticipating me acting the same way. It eventually caused a problem for us dating as this was an unresolved issue. Though, we were physically intimate (kissing and such, but nothing sexual), I suppose nipping it in the bud at that point was good. Interrogating them and looking closely at how they respond as if you're a human lie detector at the beginning stages of dating is a bit overdoing it, yes? Though, if I do hear if a woman says on a first date, voluntarily states she has "panic attacks", I typically don't get involved with her further as my ex had the same issue. You really have to take things with a grain of salt and not be too dismissive. I think I recall seeing someone saying that "Well, everyone has issues to a certain extent." Which is true, but it depends on how much of that you're willing to handle? I know WWII veterans that had wives that dealt with their PTSD all through the course of their marriage, because you marry someone in spite of their issues not because of them. (I think that's how the saying goes, may be in reverse, lol) Something about how much you're willing to accept their faults, regardless. 3
Author candie13 Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 A bit cruel to refer to people as 'damaged goods'. You meet someone and you can have a great time or not, but looking back at it with the idea of having spent time and emotions as if the other person involved had not, sounds a bit self-centered.see, I disagree there. Some of those people are aware of their past trauma, but they would hide it and play pretend. The unknowing party will give them the benefit of the doubt and fall inlove. And then, after they've started to believe & invest emotionally, they get the real Story - Drama, Trauma, whatever, no commitment, no marriage, no children, more children, hidden wives or divorces, you name it. See, the withholder of truth knows the whole story and also gets to know their partner. They usually are aware that there's a risk that the relationship won't hold so they don't invest half As much, because they know they are not telling the truth to begin with. Is my approach self centered? Nope, it is self preserving. I am not judging anyone because they've had dufficulties. Everyone did. very very few worked through their sh*t and trauma and managed to truly let go & move forward with life. And those who didn't will lie about it or conceal it. Those are the most dangerous ones, because they are uncapable of true intimacy, yet they fake to everyone that they are - sometimes even to themselves. I've spent a fortune in therapy, I am doing serious work on myself and my past was in no way trauma or drama free. But I've put in all the self work, i am honest & transparent about it and I have no dead bodies hidden in my closet. I want the same transparency & willingness to Face their past & their fears from my partner . Seems fair to me.
Redfisher Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Rather epic. Right? Between my girlfriend and I we could fill a few suitcases..But I think that brings us even closer and more understanding....Cheers. 2
Rejected Rosebud Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Right? Between my girlfriend and I we could fill a few suitcases..But I think that brings us even closer and more understanding....Cheers. It just depends on how you deal with your baggage, it doesn't have to make a person "damaged goods." I don't have personal experience but one thing I would def be on the lookout for is alot of blaming of the other people and evidence of bitterness, I would never want to be with anybody like that. An older person I know dated a lot OLD and met many divorced women, if they started talking about all the bad stuff their exes did it was "next" really fast! According to him it happened alot.
Redfisher Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 This thread has me thinking about what a wise man told me once ( My neighbor while drunk) "Is the F@#*ing you are getting worth the F@#*ing you are taking" Simple but true.... 2
Redfisher Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 It just depends on how you deal with your baggage, it doesn't have to make a person "damaged goods." I don't have personal experience but one thing I would def be on the lookout for is alot of blaming of the other people and evidence of bitterness, I would never want to be with anybody like that. An older person I know dated a lot OLD and met many divorced women, if they started talking about all the bad stuff their exes did it was "next" really fast! According to him it happened alot. Very true, I'm 41 and most women I date are out of bad relationships and Do talk a lot about it...I don't mind a little talk about it, You can learn a lot.
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 If you go around looking for fault, you will find it. Who said anything about looking for fault? I'm nothing if not a VERY open and tolerant person and I completely understand that everyone comes with some amount of baggage and unresolved whatever from past relationships including family stuff. I totally get it. I'm not looking for perfection for heaven's sake BUT I am looking for someone who also gets it. Someone who is comfortable with communication and honesty and who can speak about past relationships and experiences including their part in all of it, be it good or not so good, with maturity, grace and thoughtfulness. That's where the magic begins.
Author candie13 Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 This thread has me thinking about what a wise man told me once ( My neighbor while drunk) "Is the F@#*ing you are getting worth the F@#*ing you are taking" Simple but true.... You always have a choice, poster. If you like it difficult, you're gonna get it difficult. There are some awesome people with tragic pasts and some horrible people with tragic pasts. And then there's people who dealt with it and get on with life. Guess whom am I gonna pick as a partner?
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