heartsane Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I feel like I am drowning with an issue that has been severely upsetting me since my boyfriend and I started dating one year and three months ago. I am hoping to find any advice on here as my friends haven’t had much relationship experience. My boyfriend has a set of four ‘best friends’ whom are all girls - some of which he has known since he was 6 years old (he is 20 and I am 21) and they are a huge part of his life. Both himself and I have agreed that they are basically his ‘sisters’ (despite the fact he made out with one of them when he was 17 when he was still in the closet and hadn’t come out as gay). He is a super social guy. When he is not with me or at work, he is with his friends. Going out to parties, events, beach, or just spending time at their own homes together. At first, he would bring me with him to hang out with his friends. During this time I spent a lot of time with him and his friends. This has now changed and I reject any offer to spend time with him and his friends together. Every time I was with them I would leave feeling so unwanted, irrelevant and upset. Whenever he’s with them, he spends the whole time with a glow around his head. He is so happy. He laughs so much, he jokes so often, he is such a vibrant person. He is only like this with me to a certain extent. There are too many examples and I don’t want to make this an essay, but I’ll provide some of the main ones. In the group situation, when it was just me and him he would panic and try and find his friends, as if my company isn’t enough. He would text his friends after only one day of being with me one on one with me, sending “I miss you guys. Sorry for being a **** friend”. Or after two days of being together, his closest friend (and most demanding) told him that she NEEDED to speak to him privately. So I went home just so they could, to find out it was about a little fight she had had with a friend. When we are out, he will spend the most time talking to them. When I attended his best friends birthday, I waited at the venue for three hours (after the time we had agreed to meet) by myself, walking around aimlessly before he arrived. He apologised and said that “her sisters took ages to get ready”. When we went on holidays together overseas, the first day we were there he texted his best friend “I hate this, I want to go home”. I don’t know how to approach this issue. I have talked with him an uncountable amount of times. We had a massive talk face to face last night because I told him it was getting to the point where I can’t do this anymore. He cried, the first time I’ve seen him do that. So he obviously really cares for me. But I hardly see him, and he sees his friends more than he sees me because I can’t handle being with them all together. I feel like I am a ‘part time’ lover. He responded saying that he always has difficult balancing me out between his friends and his family, and that when he is with his friends he feels a certain level of guilt. He also said that because he isn’t 100% comfortable with his sexuality, in front of friends he tends to treat me more of a friend, and that this is changing as he loves me more and more. He explained to me that although he loves his friends a lot, and that he has a lot of fun with them, I meant more to him than anyone else, that I am his priority, and that he would do anything to make sure he doesn’t lose me. “I am the happiest when I am with you”. He stated that he feels the most like himself with me, and that I was his other half. He kept saying “I wish I could prove that I enjoy your company more than any of my friends”. He tells me that he feels the same way of ‘irrelevance’ when he is with my friends, even though I make such an effort to keep him as the priority (because it’s natural instinct, I really want to). But I still have so much internal anger, no matter how much he says he loves me, I can’t control what I am feeling. Is it jealousy? Is it insecurity? Or is it something on his side that needs to be fixed? He is an extremely social person, and I don't want to change that. That is him as a person. And he is a beautiful soul. So how can we make this work?
lchf Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Judge a person's actions and not his words. If he doesn't appear invested in spending time with you, and doesn't seem to change his actions after the million conversations you've had about it, it's safe to assume he has little respect for your time and you as a person. I would NEVER let my friends keep me to the point that I made my GF wait 3 hours by herself. That alone is ridiculous. It's also not your job to fix him, and one can be social and be in a relationship, but what you've described is taking it too far. Just look at what it does to you. It's breeding resentment and anger which cannot ever be healthy. If he truly valued your company over his friends then he would've taken your grievances seriously and paid more attention to his relationship. If he hasn't done that then his words mean jack. Sorry for your situation.
kassy Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Tough one. You may love him but he makes you feel unimportant and insignificant. His relationships with his friends sounds unhealthy and unlikely to change. If I was you I'd find someone else. You are getting little scraps of love from him. I mean away on holiday with you and texting friends saying he hates it and wants to be home.... That is so hurtful. I don't see that this is going to change sorry.
contel3 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I'm really sorry. I agree with the others, this is unlikely to change. He is still very young and immature. Never stay with someone who makes you feel like a second priority.
PogoStick Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Too long to read. But in my college days I used to say "if you make me choose between my friends and you, I'll choose my friends". I still think that's a safe assumption. It's not a matter of who he loves more. It's a matter of can you get along with his friends. If you try to force a separation you're making a mistake. 1
justabottle Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I feel like I am drowning with an issue that has been severely upsetting me since my boyfriend and I started dating one year and three months ago. I am hoping to find any advice on here as my friends haven’t had much relationship experience. My boyfriend has a set of four ‘best friends’ whom are all girls - some of which he has known since he was 6 years old (he is 20 and I am 21) and they are a huge part of his life. Both himself and I have agreed that they are basically his ‘sisters’ (despite the fact he made out with one of them when he was 17 when he was still in the closet and hadn’t come out as gay). He is a super social guy. When he is not with me or at work, he is with his friends. Going out to parties, events, beach, or just spending time at their own homes together. At first, he would bring me with him to hang out with his friends. During this time I spent a lot of time with him and his friends. This has now changed and I reject any offer to spend time with him and his friends together. Every time I was with them I would leave feeling so unwanted, irrelevant and upset. Whenever he’s with them, he spends the whole time with a glow around his head. He is so happy. He laughs so much, he jokes so often, he is such a vibrant person. He is only like this with me to a certain extent. There are too many examples and I don’t want to make this an essay, but I’ll provide some of the main ones. In the group situation, when it was just me and him he would panic and try and find his friends, as if my company isn’t enough. He would text his friends after only one day of being with me one on one with me, sending “I miss you guys. Sorry for being a **** friend”. Or after two days of being together, his closest friend (and most demanding) told him that she NEEDED to speak to him privately. So I went home just so they could, to find out it was about a little fight she had had with a friend. When we are out, he will spend the most time talking to them. When I attended his best friends birthday, I waited at the venue for three hours (after the time we had agreed to meet) by myself, walking around aimlessly before he arrived. He apologised and said that “her sisters took ages to get ready”. When we went on holidays together overseas, the first day we were there he texted his best friend “I hate this, I want to go home”. I don’t know how to approach this issue. I have talked with him an uncountable amount of times. We had a massive talk face to face last night because I told him it was getting to the point where I can’t do this anymore. He cried, the first time I’ve seen him do that. So he obviously really cares for me. But I hardly see him, and he sees his friends more than he sees me because I can’t handle being with them all together. I feel like I am a ‘part time’ lover. He responded saying that he always has difficult balancing me out between his friends and his family, and that when he is with his friends he feels a certain level of guilt. He also said that because he isn’t 100% comfortable with his sexuality, in front of friends he tends to treat me more of a friend, and that this is changing as he loves me more and more. He explained to me that although he loves his friends a lot, and that he has a lot of fun with them, I meant more to him than anyone else, that I am his priority, and that he would do anything to make sure he doesn’t lose me. “I am the happiest when I am with you”. He stated that he feels the most like himself with me, and that I was his other half. He kept saying “I wish I could prove that I enjoy your company more than any of my friends”. He tells me that he feels the same way of ‘irrelevance’ when he is with my friends, even though I make such an effort to keep him as the priority (because it’s natural instinct, I really want to). But I still have so much internal anger, no matter how much he says he loves me, I can’t control what I am feeling. Is it jealousy? Is it insecurity? Or is it something on his side that needs to be fixed? He is an extremely social person, and I don't want to change that. That is him as a person. And he is a beautiful soul. So how can we make this work? Firstly, how did you managed to find out the texts? Did he show you? Secondly, he needs to find out his sexuality, and this is up to him. Lastly, this guy is not showing you the respect you deserve! 3 hours? Seriously! If I were you, I'd have left that place!
xcupid Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 He might "care for you" but you're not his priority and his actions don't match what he's telling you. He needs to grow up. And you need to establish boundaries of what's acceptable and what's not acceptable in the relationship.
kendahke Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 IF he's still trying to figure out his sexuality, then he perhaps isn't emotionally ready for the rigors of a romantic relationship, hence him always seeking out his friends whenever he's not in their company. He may say you're a priority, blah blah blah, but his actions are saying you are the option and are always second to his "sisters". So, your choice is to remain and just be yet another "sister" to him or bounce and find a guy who is up for the rigors of relationship. 1
Gaeta Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 He is nowhere mature enough to be in a relationship. He has a lot of 'figuring out' to do for himself. I don't care about all those fancy words he's telling you he still treats you very poorly. If I were you I would let him go and find someone that has a good sense of self and by the same will enhance your life.
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