AliMc Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I guess I have a simple question that is an age old one that causes much debate. Nonetheless I would appreciate peoples opinion based on my particular circumstances. My soon to be ex husband is a car nut. He along with about 10 of his mates bought a factory and use it as a base to work on their project cars. I have always fully supported him in this. Anyway things weren’t going great with us and I had a feeling he was cheating so I had a friend of mine rig the factory with some microphones and cameras in the hope of catching him on the phone or talking to his mates about anything that he might have been doing behind my back. I got a lot more than I bargained for. It didn’t catch him saying anything, far worse, it caught him with other women. What was worse though was that it was not just him but most of the guys there and these two women seemed to just swap around like an orgy. A lot of these guys are the husbands and partners of my friends. I have footage from 10 different nights in all and on each occasion at least one of the guys there was with these women. In all I saw 7 of them have sex with these women, 4 of them the partners of my friends. Not that it really matters but we do know these women as they are part of the “car club”. I confronted my ex and said I knew about one of the women and gave him the chance to tell me all with the promise that I would consider staying if he told me everything. He admitted to the one I knew about and denied there ever being any others. I told him I knew he was lying and left. I didn’t explain it, I just left, I have no time for him anymore. It’s over between us, there is no chance of reconciliation, I don’t even want to try. The question I have is what do I do about divulging what I know? I have always said that I would never get involved but now that I actually have to make that decision I don’t believe I can sit across the table from my friends and not tell them. That sounds like it should be an easy decision then but years of thinking otherwise is making me toss and turn over this decision. My ex does not know how I found out and no-one knows about the cameras. I can still access the feed and this is still going on two weeks later. They just work on cars and when they take a break bang these two women. It is truly disgusting, it is not even in private. Look, I’ve probably shared more than I needed to but among other things I wanted it off my chest. The real question for me is where to from here? Do I become the bearer of bad news and ruin 4 other relationships or do I stick to what has always been my belief and stay out of it. I know from past conversations that one of them has said she would not want to be told by her friends. She would want to know but would be too embarrassed if it was us telling her. I thought about approaching each of the guys and giving them an ultimatum to tell by a certain date or I will. I am happy to do that but I am still not sure I could follow through with telling if the deadline was exceeded. On a totally self absorbed note, I can’t believe that every single one of the “men” from my close group of friends is cheating. I thought we were a normal group of people but it seems not.
CarrieT Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Personally, I would make copies of every single tape and send them to the wives/girlfriends of these guys... 13
Smilecharmer Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Hi, I would want to know. Better to be alone than with someone who doesn't love you so they cheat. If they are your friends, tell them but be prepared for backlash. 3
Author AliMc Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 Personally, I would make copies of every single tape and send them to the wives/girlfriends of these guys... You see that is exactly what my first thought was. But for so many years all I hear from people and all I read is saying don't get involved. I'm not sure why but I guess I took that on board. Now I feel compelled to tell but I don't want to regret it and lose friendships over it... shoot the messenger type thing. Then equally if I don't tell I would feel such guilt catching up with the girls knowing what their partners are doing. I know I shouldn't feel guilt, it is not I that has done anything wrong but I feel very conflicted.
Author AliMc Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 be prepared for backlash. This is why I am worried. Why should I cop the backlash? I end up losing friends over this while these guys stay in their messed up world continuing on with what they were doing. Where is the fairness? I don't expect my girlfriends to hug me and say thanks for telling me but I would hate to lose any of them as friends just because our partners and a bunch of losers. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I would tell. I would always tell. With evidence of course. Chips fall where they may. 6
Author AliMc Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 You couldn't do it anonymously? I can't see how. Am anonymous person tells 4 of my friends that their partners are cheating just after I split from mine for the same reason. If I was to produce evidence (the videos) then they show where it all happened at the factory. I think it would be too easy to connect some dots. It's certainly worth some thought though if I can figure out a way to really remain anonymous.
dreamingoftigers Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I can't see how. Am anonymous person tells 4 of my friends that their partners are cheating just after I split from mine for the same reason. If I was to produce evidence (the videos) then they show where it all happened at the factory. I think it would be too easy to connect some dots. It's certainly worth some thought though if I can figure out a way to really remain anonymous. This thread makes me seriously think that men generally cheat. It's not the only thing, but its kind of the final thing. If they aren't "actively cheating" then they are glued to porn or flirting around or whatever. And I know "women cheat too" blar de blar. But I don't think the numbers line up anywhere near close. So many men want loyalty but totally don't reciprocate. You probably won't be able to be "anonymous." But who cares what a bunch of douchebags think of you anyhow? You didn't make them cheat. You just caught them unexpectedly and now you see them risking your friends with STDs and a whole host of other BS.
CarrieT Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Are you friends with these women at all? I think you should have a small get-together. Tell them why you are getting divorced but explain that through the process of learning about your husband's infidelities, you discovered things about the others' husbands and were unsure about whether or not you should divulge. Do it in a group setting and give them the option of leaving if they don't want to know. Then show them the videos... 6
almond Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I'd be very careful with the video footage. If you have bugged their factory and recorded video and audio without authorisation, you (and the friend that placed the equipment) could find yourself in serious trouble. Seek legal advice before proceeding. If you do end up sharing this footage with the wives, I'd go with the story that the tapes were sent to you anonymously. 8
dreamingoftigers Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 This thread makes me seriously think that men generally cheat. It's not the only thing, but its kind of the final thing. If they aren't "actively cheating" then they are glued to porn or flirting around or whatever. And I know "women cheat too" blar de blar. But I don't think the numbers line up anywhere near close. So many men want loyalty but totally don't reciprocate. You probably won't be able to be "anonymous." But who cares what a bunch of douchebags think of you anyhow? You didn't make them cheat. You just caught them unexpectedly and now you see them risking your friends with STDs and a whole host of other BS. I want to apologize for making the above post. I was very heavily triggered last night and fuelled those feelings here. It wasn't fair to say that about men in general, given the extreme actions of some. I am sorry to anyone who was offended. 2
BetrayedH Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I'm in the "tell" camp. These women deserve to know, just like you deserved to know. You're not ruining four relationships. They're already ruined. You either tell them or wait for them to get a car groupie tramp STD. I get the unfairness of potentially losing a friend or two over something that's obviously not your fault. Unfortunately, it's a real possibility. Statistically, 90% of betrayed wives make at least an initial attempt to reconcile. Men are about 80%. Sadly, we just aren't prepared for the shock and kinda scamble to do damage control for a marriage we never intended to lose. And typically the wayward spouse goes into damage control mode, too, saying whatever is necessary to keep the marriage together. Over time, most of these reconciliation attempts fail (only about 35% remaining married and only half of those reporting the marriage as "happy") but in the short term, you're not likely to be considered a friend of the marriage. All that said, what kind of "friendship" is it if you're sitting there over lunches and wondering who'll get syphilis first? Or wondering which one is giving oral to her husband right after he took his member out of some floozie at the car shop? Meant gently, I think a real friend wouldn't be able to sit and watch that happen. Tell them privately, show them the proof (unfounded accusations will lead to gaslighting and the betrayed spouse will believe a spouse before someone else almost every time), be kind and empathetic, offer to be there for them. And then let the chips fall where they may. I do agree with the poster that said to consult an attorney first. Many states require "two-party consent" to record a conversation. Even those that require just one-part consent typically require that you're one of the two parties involved in the conversation. With so many parties involved, it seems you might have someone upset enough to sue over being illegally recorded. 2
central Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I would ask them individually if they would want to know - hypothetically - if their husband is cheating. Use yourself as an example, saying you found out about your ex and would have wanted someone to tell you, but not everyone wants the same thing. If they say no, leave it alone. If they say yes, then offer to send them the video proof. 1
minimariah Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I would ask them individually if they would want to know - hypothetically - if their husband is cheating. Use yourself as an example, saying you found out about your ex and would have wanted someone to tell you, but not everyone wants the same thing. If they say no, leave it alone. If they say yes, then offer to send them the video proof. ^ this. BUT -- i would tell them, either way... to be honest. they're all basically gangbanging these two women and then come home to their partners and listen... STDs are REAL. they're basically putting your friends lives at risk with their promiscuity - think about that. 2
minimariah Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I thought about approaching each of the guys and giving them an ultimatum to tell by a certain date or I will. I am happy to do that but I am still not sure I could follow through with telling if the deadline was exceeded. i wouldn't recommend - not a chance in hell they'll confess and they will make YOU look like a bad guy. 2
VeveCakes Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Yes you should tell them. They are at risk - for STDs and possibly having a husband who gets another woman pregnant. This is disgusting behavior. 3
GunslingerRoland Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 The problem is a group of people can quickly start doing something that is absolutely horrible, but as long as everyone is involved, it becomes the new norm. It's sad that it destroyed your relationship and will probably destroy these other relationships too. I think "tattling" on the men, can backfire. However I'd let them know that your husband had the affair, and that you had heard that the women were sleeping around with other men. Let the women do their own finding out if their husbands were involved or not.
lana-banana Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 As much as I would advocate telling in this situation, PLEASE seek a lawyer's advice first. Depending on where you live you may have broken a lot of laws; in parts of the United States recording without permission is a felony. Honestly your best bet may be to get an STD test for yourself. I mean, you should do that anyway. But if you've been exposed to something an STD test might force him to fess up. Take care of yourself. 7
BetrayedH Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 i wouldn't recommend - not a chance in hell they'll confess and they will make YOU look like a bad guy. Even if they do tell, it'll be some minimized version of the truth. You'll have no idea if they got to the "real" truth. And the chances of them telling the real truth - yeah, about zero. You'll be in the same position of trying to determine if you confront the lies that were told. 2
DrReplyInRhymes Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 As much as I would advocate telling in this situation, PLEASE seek a lawyer's advice first. Depending on where you live you may have broken a lot of laws; in parts of the United States recording without permission is a felony. Honestly your best bet may be to get an STD test for yourself. I mean, you should do that anyway. But if you've been exposed to something an STD test might force him to fess up. Take care of yourself. EDIT: Quoted for agreement Definitely speak to a lawyer first, one-way party consent is a thing, but I would have to say something, this is a far cry from a simple fling, Protect yourself as anger is often a product of such passionate betrayal, Especially with such hard evidence, videos and all, in your portrayal. Personally, if they aren't my friends, I'd share no information to them, For they chose their partners, and may even know of this mayhem, But if your friend(s) is the one being kept, unknowingly, in the dark, I think you should absolutely share that information, even knowing what it could spark. 1
No Limit Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 (edited) As much as I would advocate telling in this situation, PLEASE seek a lawyer's advice first. Depending on where you live you may have broken a lot of laws; in parts of the United States recording without permission is a felony. This. Then you may invite your friends over and watch the videos together; prepare a lot of kleenex, NO ALCOHOL (!!!). But you should definitely tell; and get tested for STDs ASAP. Your friends should do the same of course; and make sure they don't just run to their husbands with accusations, tell them to do it like you - ask them, give them a chance to spit out the truth. If nothing comes of it, ditch and dump. DO NOT APPROACH THE MEN. Otherwise you'll give them time to cover their tracks. Edited December 4, 2015 by No Limit 1
serial muse Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 I can't see how. Am anonymous person tells 4 of my friends that their partners are cheating just after I split from mine for the same reason. If I was to produce evidence (the videos) then they show where it all happened at the factory. I think it would be too easy to connect some dots. It's certainly worth some thought though if I can figure out a way to really remain anonymous. Well, you could claim that someone told you anonymously, too. Even your husband doesn't know how you knew. My advice would be to, in order: 1. consult a lawyer about the legality of the taping 2. decide, based on that advice, whether to tell anonymously or not I would want to know. In fact, I did want to know (and after I found out, I left my cheating exH). 1
Author AliMc Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 Thank You for all the replies. They have confirmed what deep down I knew I wanted to do, to tell. I noted that whilst I should tell, I should tell with evidence to avoid a case of he said / she said. That makes perfect sense but it also opens the whole issue that many have touched on in that the legality of the recordings may be an issue. What should have been an easy decision now becomes something I need to seek legal advice over! Wow. One of my friends in questioning her relationship now that I have ended mine. I told her I got an anonymous note in the mail and that I just confronted him and he admitted it. That is actually close to the truth except that the anonymous letter is the footage. I hope she does the same with the same results. I had already decided that I was going to tell after that until I read all the concerns over legality. I will be telling anyway I have decided but I just might not be able to show the footage. Some very non-professional legal advice I did get is that because I am a part owner of the factory that I can just claim that I put the cameras in for security. Of course I will seek more professional advice. Thanks to all the people that said I needed to get tested for STD's, I am already on to that. Out of anger and for revenge after I left my ex I made a few bad decisions so it's not just the STD's from my husband that I need to worry about. I'm not very proud of it because I believe I am better than that. 3
loveflower Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 OMG....is this a novel or something straight from a porn site? It corrupted my mind and resigned being alone forever...
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